There's sex in this chapter. Giggity...

After seeing Jax, it took everything in her body not to chase him down. Those feelings made her hate herself. She wasn't a desperate woman, and she'd always been alone in one way or another. Except with him. And there it was, she never felt alone, vulnerable or afraid with him. Jax had centered her, and in the few minutes he held her under the parking lot light, she felt it again. She had never been able to fully let him go and that was something she struggled with all the time. Especially now, with the knowledge that Jax had a family and moved on.

She's seen him everywhere now. Or the phantom of him. She'd be at a gas station and watch him zoom by, unaware of her. She'd be at a small cafe in town and see him dismount his bike with his club behind him and walk into a building. Tara felt on fire every time she saw him. One time she was in Edmonds when he strolled in and spotted her right away. He sauntered over to her, that Jax smile on a hundred watts, and pointed at the items in her basket.

"Can you cook now?"

"I could always cook," she rolled her eyes, smirking at his mocking. She wasn't sure if he was merely joking or flirting.

"I didn't say burn, I said cook."

"I can boil water," she replied, trying to control the feelings welling up in her. God, she was turning into a puddle just standing next to him.

Jax playfully shrugged, then pulled two cans of soup off the shelf and dropped one in her basket.

She looked at him quizzically and he just smiled, tossing up and catching the can in his hand.

"Microwave is safer."

Then he winked at her and walked to the register, leaving her there, pining for more like a god damn school girl. He looked at her once more before leaving the store, but she tried not to make eye contact. She busied herself with looking at cereal she would never buy until she heard his bike pull off. Then she stood in the aisle like an idiot, face flushed, breathing out of control. Damn him. She hated how he could always walk away and not express any of the tension she was feeling.

His hold on her was just as strong as ever, and that had Tara's mind spinning. How could someone hold you to them when they aren't even physically with you? Jax always held a special place in her heart, no question. First love dies hard. She was so young, yet her feelings for him were always stronger than anything she ever experienced. She could say she loved him even more than her father. At least Jax made her feel like more than just a burden.

Her relationship with Jax had developed at light speed. He had become more than her boyfriend; he was her touchstone, her lover, her family, and her best friend. When she left Charming, left him, it broke her way more than she allowed herself to realize. Tara had always thought she was strong and with the distance and time, she would get over Jax and Charming. She was determined to make that happen. But as months and years past, and other lovers and friends filtered in and out of her life, Jax remained. Jax remained inside this closed part of Tara, a part she reserved only for him. She closed off a place in her soul and refused to let anyone else into that place. It was his. She was his, once.

In Chicago, when the nurses would chatter and gossip about their boyfriends and crushes, Tara would stiffen and try to smile, feigning empathy to their dramatic petty relationships. She hadn't been able to relate to their predicaments, as her time was spent reading medical books and taking extra shifts. But ever so often, she would peek into that closed off place and find herself smiling. Those nurses didn't know a love like the one she experienced. Hadn't had someone like Jax, who'd put his hands on either side of their face and stare with want right into their eyes. Hadn't had a man tell them they were beautiful and meant it right down to every cell in their body. Didn't know the love of a man that made them shiver simply from memory.

With Josh, she had tried to grow up, ignore the feelings pulling her in every direction but towards him. She wanted to believe that she could move on, that she could love someone as much as she ever allowed herself love him. But Josh made it difficult. Tara knew obsessive love. She had it within her. She was obsessed with all things Jax Teller and vice versa. But she never felt like that love was destructive and damaging. With Josh, his obsession with her was counterpoint to her resistance of him. It wasn't alluring or all consuming. Her obsession with Jax stemmed from her ability to be her whole self around him, to experience a happiness and freedom she never had before. Jax's fingers all over her, within her, his mouth on hers, those things made her soar high above all the bullshit of drunk daddies, tests, judging eyes, and loneliness. With Josh, he sought to control her. To keep her tethered to him and only him. That wasn't love.

That was prison.

She focused on her ceiling fan, the soft sounds of the blades slicing through the air. She wasn't afraid, she just wanted a distraction because she'd read enough books to know the first time you had sex hurts. Jax was hovering over her, his hair shorter now that his mother made him get a haircut, but he looked just as beautiful as ever. He's concentrating on slipping on the condom, and she's taking the moment they aren't touching to ready herself.

The first time was going to hurt.

She's fooled around and touched Jax enough to know he's substantial in size for his age, that he's incredibly hard and ready, and she's expecting it to be painful. They'd made it this far, six months without sex, and Tara finally felt that it was time. She herself had grown beyond simple heavy petting and groping; she needed to feel him everywhere. When she whispered she wanted him after a particularly intense make out session, he pulled back a little and stared at her, blue meeting green. His lips brushed against her ear as he whispered, "Are you sure?"

She let her hands show him how sure she was. Now he was poised at the ready, laying between her milky thighs, his body hard against hers. He was waiting, watching her. Watching her eyes focus beyond his shoulder, focusing on something behind him, above him.

"Babe," He dipped his head to that sensitive spot on her neck, his lips soft and pressing hot on her skin. "Are you really sure?"

"Yes," she said simply, allowing her fingers to move on the skin of his back again, drawing him in even closer. She could feel him on her thigh, hard, pulsing, and waiting.

"Look at me," he requested in a tender voice, almost breaking. She never thought she'd experience that, Jax Teller, the sexual savant, begging her to look at him. "Look at me, Tara."

Her eyes moved to his face, so close it's almost out of focus. She looked at him, her lips red and swollen, slightly parted. She was unable to speak, scared to say anything, because she didn't want to ruin the moment. Tara needed to be here, to feel this. Her time with Jax had been the best time of her life, and she'd give him anything, including her virginity and her love. Jax had taught her how to be herself, how to love herself, love him, and let him love her. He was her teacher, and this was going to be his best lesson. Tara needed to take a moment, to look beyond the heat and passion of the situation, and to realize what this all meant.

She was about to give herself to Jackson Teller.

She was hyper aware, of Jax, of the heat between them, of the cool sheets on her back, the air from the fan, and the silence of the house because her father was in the drunk tank tonight. Jax hadn't pressured her, only meant to lay with her as she tried to get over her anger over her father embarrassing her again. But laying with him, letting him hold her just took over all of her emotions. She needed him, needed him in a way she couldn't explain or put off any longer.

Jax's blue eyes were burning into hers and he leaned down to kiss her fully; his hands were snaking up her sides, taking her hands in his and placing them around his neck. She linked her hands and dissolved into the kiss, the torturous slowness of it, the feel of his tongue massaging hers was overwhelming.

He moaned loudly, and then she felt him reach down between them, guiding himself to her. Her eyes closed, and she listened for the fan again, as she felt him push deeper and deeper inside of her. The invasion, as uncomfortable as it was, didn't make her want to stop, it made her want him to push further-faster.

She sucked in her breath, and he pressed his forehead against her and heavily breathed out, "I love you."

Before she could reciprocate, she felt him fill her; the pain was there and gone before she could register it. She gasped involuntarily and her fingers dug into his shoulder blades.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay," he whispered, kissing her again and moving to her neck. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you."

It was only when he kissed the tear running down her cheek did she realize she was crying. "I know," she whispered.

Jax held his position, allowing her to adjust to him, but soon, she felt him slowly pull back and then shallowly move forward again. She slammed her eyes shut, the pain was there again, then it wasn't, and now there was something else. Tension...but a good kind. His breathing was heavy and he tilted his head back a little, his eyes slightly closed. He was moving, and moving, and she could feel the slickness of her skin on his. Tara let her heavy lids part a bit, looking at his face as he made love to her, noticing his eyelashes were blonder than she ever realized.

"Oh god," he whimpered, and pushed her deeper into the mattress.

She looked in wonder at his face, his beautiful face, and wondered what he was thinking. She knew Jax wasn't a virgin, this was far from his first time, but he seemed swept away by it more than she understood. His eyes were closed and his bottom lip in between his teeth as he pumped into her, his fingers on one hand kneading her skin, the other hand, intertwined in her hair, gently fisting it.

She felt the tension building, the movement somewhere deeper than he even was, the pit of her stomach tightening and coiling as he moved above her.

"Jax," she cried out a little, she wasn't there, whatever she's feeling wasn't there yet, but she felt something.

"Yea, babe...oh fuck," he groaned into her ear, changing angles and completely devouring her mouth. She's gone. She was reaching the edge and she could feel herself dangling over it, a tingling feeling shoots through her, everywhere, even her finger tips.

She sucked in a deep breath, and suddenly another, until she was panting and moaning louder than she ever thought possible. Jax, who had been so gentle at first, had hit a stride, and it was evident considering how her headboard banged repeatedly against the wall. She loved him, loved him, loved him so much and this was just another way she could show it. Now he had something she could and would never give anyone else, and he was making her remember it with every stroke and every kiss.

Her eyes were wide open now, looking at the ceiling above her, past that, towards the sky...thanking whatever god or deity made Jax for her.

"How'd you hook up with this loser?"

Jay Richardson was an agent like Josh, and had invited them to his home for a dinner. Josh bugged her for weeks to go, and finally she relented because couples do things like go to dinner with other couples. Jay and his wife were nice, white bread people with vanilla lives, right down to the cardigan and khakis Jay wore. His wife Lindsey, had a smile permanently etched on her face, and Tara felt like she was in the twilight zone.

Lindsey handed Tara a glass of wine and sat on the couch next to her husband. They were both waiting for a romantic story and all Tara had to offer them is how she was forced to go to a bar and Josh happened to be there. Josh touched her knee expectantly, and she took a sip of the wine to calm her nerves and smiled.

"Still trying to figure that out myself."

The couple laughed and Josh chuckled and took a sip of his wine. He patted her knee again and glanced sideways at her as if he was still expecting her to answer.

"We, uh...met at a bar," she said, clearing her throat.

"Uh oh," Jay laughed and Josh chuckled.

"It's not like that!" Josh shook his head. "Tar-Tar here was just so beautiful, prettiest girl in the room. Sitting all by herself. Like she was waiting for me," Josh added. "To think I wasn't going to even go that night. I wanted to do paper work. But I ended up going and look at what I found."

Tara fought the urge to roll her eyes.

"It was meant to be," he said, looking at her intensely.

Lindsey and Jay took in the couple and said "Aw!"

Tara however, wanted to run away. Josh making their introduction sound so mythical and beautiful was just too much. It wasn't that way at all, and Tara had a hard time acting as if she was as enthralled with him as he was with her.

She took another sip of her wine.

"You got a good one here, Tara. Best agent in the field, " Jay pointed.

Tara wondered why him having a stellar ATF record would matter as far as a relationship.

"She knows," Josh moved his arm to engulf Tara and pull her to him. "Never been this happy. Have you, Tara?"

She looked over to him, and couldn't shake or nod her head. She didn't want to hurt Josh or embarrass him. But she couldn't lie either. She had been happy once, a long time ago with a different person. In a different time, where they were meant to be.

Her shift ended and Tara was dead on her feet. She just wanted to get home, shower, and collapse in a heap on her bed. Anyone whose shift ended at 2 am would agree. She climbed into her rental car and headed back towards home. The streets of Charming were almost abandoned, and the darkness of the night wasn't helping her stay alert. She turned on the radio and switched between stations until she found some music she could tolerate. Pulling up to a red light, Tara tapped her fingers against the steering wheel and regarded her surroundings. Her eyes landed on a spot that gave her bad vibes, one that she repeatedly had to go into and drag her father out.

The Hairy Dog looked just as gross as ever, with Charming's unsavory milling outside. She shook her head, angry the place was still standing when she noticed something near the side entrance. She'd seen a woman, blonde and curly, talking to a guy, rubbing her arms and rocking back and forth. The man towered over the woman and shook his head but she seemed to have convinced him of something because he opened the side door and let her in. Tara glared at the scene, and only noticed the light turned green when a car behind her honked. She pulled forward, moving slower than the trailing car liked, but she was pretty sure who she just witnessed go into the side entrance of the bar.

There was no mistaking the pregnant belly she was sporting. She just saw Wendy Case.

Gemma Teller-Morrow was not someone she felt compelled to endear herself to. She had tried, relentlessly tried to make Gemma like her. Nothing was more important to her than getting on the good side of Jax's mother, but that side was hidden and locked away and Tara didn't know how to find it. She was respectful, courteous, and tried to mind her p's and q's around that woman, but Gemma would only cut her eyes at Tara. Gemma played nice nasty for Jax's sake, occasionally threw Tara a bone of affection, only to draw it back and slice her with a comment or two later.

Tara never understood why Gemma hated her. She loved Jax, loved him more than she loved anything or anyone. She treated him well and he doted on her. He'd started coming to school more just because Tara was there. But Gemma looked at Tara as a threat from the beginning. First she complained they were too young. Tara was confused by that. Jax was too young to be in love, but by the club's standards, not too young to drink beer, smoke weed, get tattoos, and fuck random girls. When that didn't deter Jax or Tara, the complaint morphed to they spent too much time together. Which was true.

Every waking hour they were together or fretting about being together. Mostly Jax. His need for her was insatiable and Tara felt the same. When that didn't work, Tara became the distraction, distraction from his club, from his job, from his home, from everything. She pushed effectively to have Tara sent away, but Jax only clung to Tara more.

"You think he loves you?" she asked a sixteen year old Tara.

"I...I do," Tara answered. He told her he did all the time.

She watched the woman take a drag of her cigarette and smile. "Lust feels alot like love baby. Teenaged hormones are fickle and Jax has had alot of girls around here feeling all giddy like you do."

"Mrs. Teller, I know Jax has been with other girls-"

"He's been with a lot of girls, sweetie. Hell he's our own little club whore. I'm just glad no one's giving me a grandbaby yet," she smirked. "Including and especially you."

Tara gulped and looked behind her to see if Jax was finished his shift at the garage. She had just slept with Jax and she wasn't comfortable with his mother knowing or insinuating that fact. That was between her and Jax and she wanted it to stay that way. Tara wanted to leave, to flee.

"We love each other. For real."

"Sure you do, baby. We all believe that at some point."

Tara didn't like the mind games and manipulations Gemma played. She played them well too. Gemma could get in your mind and screw up the truth so much you'd question your own beliefs. Tara knew Jax loved her. She felt it. But here this woman was dropping seeds of doubt and watering them whenever she could.

Tara didn't want or like to talk to Gemma. The woman had done enough damage to her self esteem during her teens. But she had to tell her what she saw.

She didn't want to go to the shop, didn't want to see Jax. She didn't want to tell him what she had seen, didn't know how he would take it, but surely Gemma would try to figure out what Wendy was doing. She was seven months pregnant, no way should she be hanging around The Hairy Dog at 2 am. Charming was small, and St. Thomas was smaller, and she found out Gemma had a cardiology appointment that week. She waited for her as she exited the doctor's office and Tara felt like a bundle of exposed nerves as she approached her.

"Gemma?"

The woman stopped and gave Tara a full body scan as she approached. "Is this a coincidence or you stalking me?"

"I needed to speak to you, if you don't mind?"

"Bout what?" Gemma crossed her arms.

Tara shifted nervously and looked around her. "I'm not trying to start anything or put out any rumors, but I wanted to know if what I saw was something of concern-"

"Spill it. I don't have all day."

"I saw Wendy, the other night, going into The Hairy Dog."

Gemma eyed her suspiciously. She said nothing just looked at Tara. Her brain was working, Tara could see it.

"It was 2 am. She went in the side entrance."

Gemma cocked her head. "What's it to you?"

"Excuse me?" Tara recoiled.

"So Wendy went into The Hairy Dog. So what?"

"She's pregnant, Gemma."

"Yeah she is, with my grandbaby. Jax's baby," Gemma nodded at Tara. "What? Like I don't know your intentions. You want to throw Wendy under the bus to get back to Jax."

Tara frowned and sighed heavily. She knew this was a bad idea. "No. This isn't about Jax."

"It's always about Jax, baby."

"This isn't. What we had is ancient history. I don't even know Wendy. I just think a severely pregnant woman with a history of addiction shouldn't be at a seedy bar at night. You just want to ignore this because it's coming from me."

"How do you know she's an addict?"

"Who around here doesn't fucking know?" Tara spit out, then admonished herself for letting Gemma get to her. "Maybe I should tell Jax."

"Yeah, maybe. But that'd just prove my point," Gemma snorted.

"And just what is your point, Gemma?"

"I'm suspicious of you... yeah, sure.I have a right to be. Because maybe you just want to ruin the best thing that happened to Jax since you left," Gemma replied.

Tara looked down at her hands. This was a mistake of epic proportions. She was not trying to hurt Wendy or Jax. She was trying to head off something horrible. "I don't want to ruin anything for him. I am happy for him. I am happy he's happy."

"Go sell that shit somewhere else," Gemma sneered. "Isn't that why you came back?"

"I came back to work and finish my father's estate," Tara clarified, anger creeping back into her voice. Gemma Teller was always a bitch, but she was hoping she could get through to her on this.

"Well then, stop playing Tara Knowles, P.I. and stay out of Jax's business. Your fairytale ended when you flew to San Diego. I'll worry about Wendy...and Jax," Gemma replied, putting on her glasses and stomping away in her boots.

Tara rolled her eyes as she watched her leave and felt a heaviness in her chest.

Maybe you just want to ruin the best thing that happened to Jax since you left.

She didn't want to believe what she was doing was remotely close to that, but she had to wonder why she was compelled to tell Gemma about Wendy. If Wendy was a recovering drug addict, The Hairy Dog would be beacon to her addiction. Tara was fully aware of what went on there. If Wendy was using, then she was putting her life and her baby's life in danger. Tara hated her for doing that. How she could be carrying something so precious and beautiful, like a baby, Jax's baby...and hurt it was beyond comprehension. But regardless of how Gemma took the information, Tara knew she had planted a seed of doubt with Gemma. Hopefully, Gemma would heed her warning, and get down to the bottom of it before it was too late.

She walked back to her floor of the hospital. A nurse at the desk beckoned her over to sign some paperwork.

"Oh and you got a call."

"A consult?" Tara sighed as she drew her name out on the paper.

"Nope, a doctor from a Chicago. Didn't leave his number, just asked if you were working here and accepting new patients."

She looked up. Dr. Steiger maybe, hopefully. The other alternative was too scary to comprehend. "Did he leave a message?"

"No," the nurse replied before answer the ringing phone.

Tara clicked her pen and set it down. She couldn't shake the unease that washed over her.