Ghostwolf88 : Thank you. I think I've finally find how I will end things. I hope you won't be disappointed.
J Shute Norway : It's actually very hard for me to imagine how people can be affected by homesickness. I've left my family's home about 6 years ago, and I never missed it (and we're on really good terms, so, no drama here). All I can do is extrapolate from the people I know and what I read.
Gallowaychi : In the beginning, I was more into fanfic sequels than AU. Then I realised that the AU had a way to use the material in very inventive way. This fic is the result of that. As for waking up curled up and stuff... Erh... Well... You'll see.
Foxlover91 : I was a bit afraid that people might be put off by it.
Chapter 10 - Facing the Past
Judy was waiting at Bunny-Burrow's train station for her ride. Gideon had promised he would be able to pick her up, and it wasn't as if a cab would have been an option. She glanced at her phone and realised he was already fifteen minutes left.
The main reason why she was anxious for her friend to arrive was because she didn't want to risk getting recognized by anyone yet. She wanted her arrival to be a surprise. Not because she thought it would be a good surprise, but because she knew her parents and family weren't happy about the way she had left. She'd rather not give them time to prepare the speech they were sure to give her about responsibility and decency.
She heard the motor of an ageing truck before she saw the vehicle that emitted it. She immediately recognized what she had baptized the cake-mobile years ago.
She waved at him and hopped on the passenger seat as soon as Gideon parked the truck.
"Hey Gid." She greeted, giving him a quick side hug.
"Hey Judy." He greeted back. "Sorry to be late, I wos taken wid' paperwork, you know how it is."
The bunny smiled. "Organization was never you thing."
"I'm good a bakin' c-c-cakes. The rest… Not so much."
The vehicle started moving again, leading the two passengers toward the town. It skirted it, and took a few backroads, the fox purposefully avoiding the town center.
"You're taking the long way around." Noted Judy.
"Ya told ya wanted to stay discreet until ya met wid' yer family."
She nodded. "We could still have gone through town."
"Better safe than sorry."
They arrived to a small pink house the bunny recognized as her friend's childhood home. It was perched on a small hill and a bit removed from the rest of the town. She still remembered how eerie the place had felt in her childhood, with the unkempt garden and it gloomy vegetation. Her and her friends sometimes dared themselves to approach and enter the garden. Now, and since Gideon had inherited it, the place looked so different she still had a hard time getting used to it.
"Have I ever told you that I love what you've done with the place ?"
"Only once every t-t-time we invited Ethan and ya fer dinner." He said, smiling at the compliment.
The fox helped her take her suitcase out of the car and inside the house, holding the door for her as she entered.
"Honey, our guest is here !" He called, while closing the door.
As on cue, an apron wearing vixen entered the hallway. "Hey, Judy !" She greeted, hugging the bunny. "I'm so glad you're here !" She took a step back and observed her from head to toe. "You look good… Maybe a bit tired, but good, you know ?"
"I just got out of a nasty cold, so that could explain that." Judy answered, before giving the vixen a once over in turn. She had always been very lean, which was quite a feat given her husband's profession, but she looked like she had put on a couple. She noticed another thing too. "Your fur looks really good." Judy remarked. "You look-"
"Pregnant." The vixen stated with an excited smile. "I'm pregnant !"
"OH MY GOSH ! This is wonderful news ! But wait, since when ? I wasn't even gone for a month !"
"We'd say about two months." She answered. "But we haven't told the kids yet, so shhhh."
As on cue, a trio of small vulpines that weren't older than eight bursted into the hallway. "Hey, it's auntie Judy !" Said the older one.
"Louis ! Alex ! Juliette ! I'm so glad to see you !" Judy smiled opening her arms to the group of cubs that pounced at her, almost making her toppling down. "Wow, you're not so small anymore !" she huffed, glad to feel Gideon's paw in her back to keep her steady.
…
"So, you're going to see your parents ?" Hester asked, taking a spoonful of the strawberry cake Gideon had baked.
"Yeah, but I'll go see Ethan first. I don't want him to learn that I'm here by anyone else. I don't want him to think I'm avoiding him."
"How long will you be here ?" Asked the male fox.
"Three days, including today."
He lifted one of his eyebrows. "That's awfully short, couldn't yer boss give ya more time."
"He wanted to, but I negotiated for less. I've barely been working there for a month, and we're swamped with work. I need to be back as soon as possible."
"Judy on duty is at it again ! Don't overwork yerself. Ya ain't twenty anymore." The fox joked.
"Y-yeah, you're right." Judy smiled back, though the joke had hit way too close to home.
…
"Ready ?"
Judy was ready to ring the doorbell. Gideon was by her side. She had told him he didn't have to come, but he had wanted to be here for support. And she was glad he had.
Her finger pushed the button, and they heard the chiming through the wooden door. A glass wearing female bunny opened the door, which Judy recognized at Ethan's mother. She was a couple of decade older than Judy and so lean it seemed a gust of wind could take her away. Despite that she had an air of severity to herself.
"Judy." She stated more than she greeted.
"Mary, it's nice to-"
"What are you doing here ?" She asked with thinly veiled hostily.
Judy winced. She hadn't expected Ethan's mother to still be staying at her old home. She chose to be direct in her answer. "I wanted to talk to Ethan."
"He isn't home at the-"
"Mom, who's at the door ?" Came Judy's ex-husband's muffled voice from the living room.
It was the elder doe's turn to wince. She and Judy's gaze started battling. The two does had butted head a couple of times. The both of them could prove as headstrong as each other, a fact that Gideon knew all to well as his best friend had complained to him about her more than a couple of times.
"Please Mrs Jumpsky. I realise ya ain't too pleased wid' Judy at the m-m-moment, but this won't make it any better."
The elder bunny turned her gaze toward the fox and squinted her eyes. The Gideon she (and most of the town) had known wasn't as diplomatic as the fox she was seeing. And she had to admit, what he was saying was reasonable enough. "Alright come in." She huffed.
She led them toward the living room to find Ethan sitting on the sofa with a book.
"Hey, Ethan." She greeted.
"Judy ? What are you doing here ?"
"I'm going to see my parents, but I wanted to check on you first."
She took a couple of tentative steps toward the sofa, and he scooted aside to give her some space. "Please sit." He invited.
Mary was staring at the two younger bunny. She drew a curt disapproving breath before disappearing in the kitchen. "I'll prepare some tea."
"I'll give ya a paw." Declared Gideon, not wanting to intrude on Judy and Ethan before joining Mary in the kitchen.
"Hope they won't fight." Muttered Ethan.
"They better not. I wouldn't want to have to bring Gideon to the hospital."
Ethan chuckled. "Yeah, that's probably what would happen. How are you doing ?"
"I'm doing fine… Well, I was sick a couple of days ago, and the doctor thought it was because I was a bit depressed about the situation with my family. So I came here to clean the air with my parents."
The male bunny bit his lips. He knew enough of Judy's parents and their views on the situation. "Maybe talking to them isn't the best thing to do to lift your spirit."
"It's more about the weight on my shoulders. Besides, I'm more worried about your mother at the moment."
The male bunny snorted. "Yeah, she's a piece of work. If it makes it better, she isn't mad about what you did, but more about who you did it to."
Judy didn't really know what to say to that. It made sense, but it wouldn't make it easier to mend their (previously already rocky) relationship.
"She'll come around, I'll make sure of it." He reassured her. "Beside, in her own word, she knows how it feels to spend years married to a bunny she could barely stand."
"Ethan, I-"
He lifted a paw. "I know you didn't feel that way. I'm just giving you her point of view."
Judy stared at him before closing her eyes to push away the lump in her throat. "I don't deserve that much from you."
"I still care about you." He simply said. "And I know you still care about me. Otherwise you wouldn't have taken the time to come and see me." He added a bit smuggly. She knew he was using it as an act to hide the pain, but she didn't point it out. Instead she took his paw to show her appreciation.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." He blinked and looked down. "You're still wearing your wedding band."
She looked down and blushed. "Yeah… I know should take it away but…"
He looked at her inquisitively.
"It's stupid." She stated while he kept staring at her. "Okay… I just can't get rid of it. I'm not even sure I want to. Because, what happened between us… It's not insignificant. I mean, I might not have fallen in love with you, but you were my husband, and the father of my children… It's what it means to me. It's a part of my life, one I feel good about. Does that make sense ?"
Ethan was still staring at Judy. He blinked, and discreetly wiped a tear with his thumb. "It does make sense. I mean..." He put a paw under his shirt and took out a silver chain that passed through a ring. "I haven't really got rid of mine." He didn't point out that wearing her ring could be a deterrent to other mammals. He still loved her, and was jealous enough to indulge in that much pettiness. Beside, he was sure she had already considered it.
"Tea is ready." Declared Mary, right on cue, coming back with a plate of biscuits while Gideon was carrying a tray with a teapot and four cups.
…
Judy had managed to convince Ethan to not come with her. She wanted to face her family alone, and even though she appreciated the idea of having more moral support, she felt like she had to do it by herself.
"Could you wait for me in the truck ?" She asked.
"Ya don't want me to come wid' ya ?"
She shook her head. "It's between them and me."
"Arright. Just, if they breakout the torches and pitchforks, don't try ta fight back. Just make a run for the truck."
She shot him an annoyed glance. "It's my family we're talking about."
He nodded with the corner of a grin. "Glad we're on t-t-the same page. I'll keep the engine runnin'." The portly vulpine parked the truck in front of Judy's house. "Good luck." He said, anxiously watching her get to her childhood home's door.
She was about to push the button, but as she was expecting, the door opened before she even had the chance to do so. As one of the most traditional family in the burrows, most of its members lived on the same farm, which meant the galleries under it were akin to ones of a bunker. It also meant there were enough eyes on surface levels at all time to keep them from any surprise visit.
The two faces that appeared when the door opened were her father's and mother's, both sporting blank expression.
"Hey, may I come in ?" She asked meekly.
They didn't answer but moved away, leaving her some space to get through. As she entered, she noticed the house was unusually silent. There were a lot of muffled chatter, which guessed she was the topic off, but otherwise it was almost eerie. Since none of her parents had made a sound, she made her way to the dining room and sat on one of the wooden chair.
This wasn't the silence treatment, and she knew it. It was the storm brewing. Her mother was preparing one of her famous speeches, the kind that would hit at all insecurities used to leave her dazed for several minutes. She could have prevented it by talking first, but she'd rather let her vent. The less she would have to say, the easier things would be. At least she hoped.
Her father sat in front of her and looked up, expecting his wife to do the same. Instead she put her paws to her hips and her gaze turned into a cold glare.
Here we go.
"What were you thinking ?! What are you thinking !? Coming back like nothing happened, with your little smile and your proud steps ! Do you think you can just waltz in and out of your family like that ? This isn't something you can just throw away, Judy ! Do you know how worried you made us ? How hurt Ethan and your children are ? How could you do that ! We repeated time and time again that family was the most important thing, and you just left ? Like that ? we're so disappointed in you. We thought you had learnt, that you had given up on all your stupid dreams ! Because that's all they are ! Dreams ! Life isn't a fricking fairy tale ! You had settled, you have children ! Children, Judy ! This isn't something you can just throw away ! Don't they mean anything to you ? How could you do that ! This isn't how we raised you !" Her gaze turned to her husband. "And you ! Aren't you going to say something."
"He doesn't need to. You pretty much nailed it." Judy shot back, taking a page from Nick's snark book.
Bonnie Hopps turned her fiery gaze toward her daughter. "You think this is the right time for jokes ?"
Judy decided to ignore the rhetorical question. "I haven't abandoned my family. I mean, I might have been more than a bit harsh on Ethan, but I didn't just get out of his or my children's lives."
"Well, from where I'm standing, it's exactly what it looks like."
"Maybe you should try to look at it from somewhere else, then."
"And from where should I look at it, pray tell ?"
"Have you tried from my point of view ?"
Bonnie squinted her eyes.
"Are you even capable of that ?" Judy added.
The elder bunny gaped. She looked like she had been slapped in the face. "You don't get to talk to me like that, young lady !" She retorted as soon as she had found her bearings again.
"I get to talk to you however I like, mom. I followed every single advice you ever gave me, took every chance you wanted me to, because I got to a place where I thought it was the only thing I could do ! I married, I settled, I popped out a couple of kids, that I love, by the way, don't ever forget it, I got a pretty house in a perfect neighbourhood with a flowery gardens and boring neighbours ! And do you know how all this made me feel ? Do you even care about it ?"
"Judy, I'm warning you-"
The younger bunny got up from her seat. "Do you even care ?"
"Of course I care !" Bonnie shouted back. "You're my daughter, of course I care about how you feel !"
"Then how do you think I felt ?"
"I..."
"Fulfilled ? Happy ? Complete ? How ?"
"Judy-"
"HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT ?" Every ounce of anger she had ever felt toward her own condition was shooting out of her at that moment. She knew it was unfair to aim them at her mother, as she had been the one making the choices that had put her in that position. It was unfair because her mother hadn't been the only one that had set out to squash her dreams, the other culprit sitting right next to her with his head in his paws, his gaze riveted on the wooden table.
"This wasn't the life I wanted, mom." She said, as her mother didn't answer. "It shouldn't have taken so long to realise it, but it simply-"
"No. I refuse to believe that." Cut her mother. "I won't believe you pretended to be happy for so long just to change your mind in a second twenty years later. No one does that."
"I wasn't miserable all the time, mom. Katie and Evan helped a lot. There were times I was genuinely happy. But the family life, it was never for me. It felt like I was slowly dying."
"I don't believe that. It's just your mid-life crisis speaking. Soon, you'll realise what you're throwing away. You need to see it before it's too late, Judy. Otherwise you'll regret it for the rest of your life."
Judy sighed. "You don't get it. You never got it. You never got me. I mean, I'm not surprised, you have dozens of children, you could never really have time for every single one of us… But I thought you would at least realise we could know what we wanted for ourselves."
"You don't get to say that I don't understand you, when you're the one pushing us away !" Bonnie reacted.
"I'm not pushing you away. I made a choice that you don't want to accept." She felt like she was sixteen again, when she had decided to major in criminology, and had almost been thrown out of the house for it. This time, though, he mother couldn't dangle that threat over her head.
"Because your choice is wrong !" She answered, throwing her hands up. "You almost tore yourself apart because of your little phase when you were a kid. But you have responsibilities now, Judy ! You can't just turn your back on that !"
"I'm not turning my back on my responsibilities, mom. My kids are big enough to take care of themselves, and they know I'll be there for them if they need me."
"That's easy to say right now, I hope you'll be true to your words when it happens !" He tone was so near venomous that Judy winced.
"I… I didn't think you thought so little of me." She muttered, her ears falling.
As she realised what she had just implied, Bonnie put her paws to her mouth. "I didn't mean-"
"We both know what you meant." Judy sighed. "You think this is just an impulse, that I'm being unreasonable, and that I will only act accordingly. This isn't a phase mom." She said, her sentence sounding like an echo of the past. "The last twenty years were a phase."
"Judy, please, think this through..."
"Bonnie. Let it go." It was the first time Stu's voice was heard since the beginning of the conversation. His daughter blinked. She had expected her father to try and stay neutral at best and take her mother's side at worse.
"What ?" Came Bonnie's strangled voice.
"It's her decision. I'm not saying I like it, but as a parent, I know I have to live with it and help her make the most of it."
Judy's mother raised her paws in disbelief. "It's a decision that won't do her any good ! It will only hurt her and everyone she cares about."
"Don't pretend you never realised how hurt she was when the Mammal Inclusion Initiative was disapproved. She mopped for weeks, and she wasn't the same afterwards. Now she has a chance for something else !"
"But that doesn't excuse-" The elder doe protested.
"And it's not her place to judge her for it, Bon. I know it hurts, and it hard to understand. Hell, I have a hard time wrapping my head around it myself… But do you think she would have ever done something so rash without a damn good reason ?" He got up in turn and took his wife's paws. "It's Judy's we're talking about, Bon. Judy, terror of bullies ! Judy on duty !"
"I-" Bonnie tried.
"This life was never for her. It's was what we wanted for her." Stu said soothingly. "But not what she wanted. We don't need to get anything else than that. She'll never be like you, or anyone else. And that's fine. We can either blame her and reject her for that decision, or try to make it work. I know what I'm going to do." He stated, shooting a supporting smile to his daughter.
Judy quickly rounded the daughter and hugged him. "You're the best."
"I have years of being the worst to catch up on." He muttered.
Bonnie was staring at both of them in confusion. "I don't get it." She said blankly. "I just don't get it. You're simply giving up…"
Judy disentangled herself from her father to approach her mother. She took her paws while looking for her words. "I'm not giving up. If anything, I'm taking a chance. I'm trying something new."
"But how can you know it will work out ? What if it fails ?" Bonnie asked, dismayed.
"Then I'll try again. Mom, I was safe all my life, and it just wasn't for me. I want to be happy for a change. It's not something that I'll find here with Ethan, but out there, trying to make a difference. Here, I never felt like I belonged. Out there, I think I could."
Her mother was staring blankly at her. Judy knew that family was everything to her, and that it would take a long time for her to accept that she couldn't keep going in that same direction.
Bonnie felt lost. She had spent her life teaching her children that there was nothing more important than family. She had helped every single one of them to get settled, whether in the Hopps' domain or somewhere else, and to her, happiness was just that. Taking care of her children and family, a thing she knew she would keep doing until her death.
She had been so scared that Judy would miss out on that because of her mindset, that the impossibility for her to get into the ZPD had been a massive relief. She would be able to have what her misguided beliefs risked to take away. The birth of Judy's children had been a very special day to Bonnie, one that had cemented her belief on her daughter's happiness. To her, it had been the day where the silly dreams had definitively died, replaced by a sense of responsibility, and peaceful life as part of Bunny-Burrows community.
Having it all thrown in her face was an earth-shattering shock. That her convictions had made her daughter unhappy was unfathomable to her. That she could reject them, even more. And the fact that she had pushed so hard for all of it to happen, that she was in part responsible for her daughter's unhappiness was unacceptable.
"I don't want to sever the ties between us, mom." Began Judy. "And I won't. If you need time to accept this, I'll give it to you. As much as you need. It was a hard decision for me, and I know it's going to be hard for you to come to term with. But whether or not you do, I'll still love you." She smiled, pulling a sob from her mother.
Her daughter hugged her, and the denial was shattered, replaced by a deep feeling of guilt and sadness. She buried and face in her daughter's neck and started weeping. Over the misguided advices, the guilt-tripping, the lost years.
"I'm sorry." She cried as her husband joined in on the hug. "I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too." Judy answered, knowing that despite everything, she still had been the one making the wrong choices.