I got this inspiration from one of my friends youtube videos to Eddie. Check her out at EGForeverInMyHeart. She is amazing! You're the best Leah!
Breathe No More – Evanescence
"I've been looking in the mirror for so long,
that I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.
All the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me, to sharp to put back together.
Too small to matter,
but big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her and I bleed."
April 26, 2010
Richmond, VA
The Richmond Coliseum
9:30 PM
I didn't talk to them for a week and I had to admit I felt quite lonely. Like I have said many times before, John is my best friend, without him I would be nothing but maybe this was a good thing, being separated that is. Maybe it would give me time to heal the way I should heal, not into someone who is created into someone else's image.
Maryse was all up and arms about me doing a complete change, so I let her do what she wanted to me. I was shocked at her results but I was pleased none of the less. I was a different person, who was slowly trying to heal from the inside out, starting with my fragile heart.
I flipped my now black hair, which was approved by Vince McMahon before we even did anything, over my shoulder so I could lace up my boots. He said it would go well with the whole new character change. Maryse was pleased with her work and so was I, I was just tired. Lacing up the same boots, day in and day out, was starting to wear my body down.
It's not that I think the fans appreciate it because I know they do, but I don't think they understand what everyone backstage has to go through every single night, putting our bodies and our lives on the line. I kept reminding myself that this is what I love and this is the only thing I have in this world that cannot tell me I am not good at. I know I am. I'm not being arrogant; I just know how much I have improved and how much I have to go until I can even call myself a great performer. I'm just good.
"Kayley?" Jericho's voice came through the door. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah, of course Chris." I said back, putting my foot down to fix my boot.
He opened the door and stepped inside the locker room that I now share with Maryse. He smiled brightly, fingering my black hair. "I like it." He chuckled and let it drop to my shoulder. "How are you holding up?"
I shrugged, fixing my wrestling top. "As good as I can, ya know?"
"I'm not going to lie to you so, not really no, but I know people who have been through this?"
"Yeah?"
"Lita." He said. "Amy Dumas has been through this, she would know how you are feeling. She used to come to me for help."
"I miss Amy."
"Give her a call if you don't know where to turn to. She will be more than happy to help you out." Chris advised, sitting down on the bench.
"Chris, I have to ask…"
"John is doing as well as he can without his best friend. He's running around like a lost puppy and trying to put himself back together, but he's holding up." Chris paused for a moment, looking around before sighing. "Randy is worse. It's like he's 24 again."
"What?"
"He's crying, Kayley." Chris said seriously.
I watched Chris' eyes swim with seriousness. "Crying?"
"Randy "The Viper" Orton never cries unless he's completely lost and hurt. Ted said it was so bad, he was actually called by Cody to come help calm him down." Chris sat back, looking at the wall. "It's bad."
"I did this to them? I made them like this?" I watched Chris nod softly. "I'm a monster."
"No, you're not. You are a broken hearted girl who needs help and time to heal. Don't call yourself a monster when you know damn well you aren't." Chris replied. "This is your time to push everything aside and concentrate on yourself. You've been focusing on everyone else and neglected your needs. Think about it Kayley, who comes first in your life?"
"Shawn and Hunter." I replied without hesitation.
"Who comes next?"
"John." I said again.
"Exactly! You never put yourself first. You are a human being who is only capable of so much. You have been through so much heartache to last 4 life times." Chris sighed heavily. "I know I speak for a lot of wrestlers when I say that we do not want to see you go down. You are our light in the darkness, Kay. We know you are hurting but we can help you, just let us in." Chris tapped my chest. "Sometimes the best fall down and need helping getting up. Yeah, the best get bested and they get fucked up."
I chuckled.
"But you need to keep that head up, Kayley. I really want to break those walls down."
"Nice plug." I said softly.
He smiled brightly, fixing his shirt. "Why thank you, I do what I can."
I giggled again.
"Back on a serious note, you keep walking and even if you go through hell, get out of there before the devil even knows you're there." Chris got up and fixed his shirt. "I'll see you later baby girl."
I nodded and watched him walk out the door. I looked around and sat back against the lockers.
I was slowly dying.
May 3, 2010
Jacksonville, Florida
Hilton Hotel
11:45 PM
It wasn't long until I noticed that something wasn't right within the company that I loved so much. Some of the superstars would send me an awkward glance or a soft smile that I wasn't used to getting from them. I would do my best in the ring and head back to the locker room, packing up my things to go to the hotel where Maryse was sure to be waiting for m. I pulled my weight in the ring and anybody could tell you that. I loved this business and I would happily die for this business but I was just getting tired of the whole John Cena versus Randy Orton thing. I'm sure I wasn't the only one. Many of the superstars were complaining also.
In the past few years, they have gone at each other's throats, more than 17 times, only being in 3 or 4 storylines together. Now, when I say '17' it's not how many confrontations, it's how many times they would have a war like this. Luckily, I wasn't stuck in the middle of all of them, only this one, which is the largest and has been going on for years now. The others were just for other reasons, like their spots in the WWE or who was better. It was always a war between the two of them and it didn't look like it was going to come to an end anything soon.
I noticed that a lot of people I was once close to, started to fade away. I watched as Matt Hardy would walk away from whoever he was talking to, to get away from me. At first I thought it was because McMahon was punishing him because his brother left for TNA but then I watched closer, it would only happen when I was around since he was fine with everyone else. I tried to talk to him on several occasions, wanting to see how he, Jeff, and Beth were doing. I was going to be a Godmother to Jeff's child; I deserved to know how Beth was doing with my official Goddaughter.
Really the only person who stayed with me besides my family was Jericho. He was there for a lot f it, helping me up and making me smile when I knew I did not want to. He made me look at the lighter side of things instead of staying in the darkness. It was like he was John in a way but he let me have free reign, only putting in his say so if he thought I would hurt myself. Like drinking, it was a big 'no-no' unless he was with me. Chris told me the only thing about Canadians that I have to know is that they don't drink along and he was no exception.
Chris, who was sitting on my hotel room bed, was waiting for the Jackass marathon to start, impatiently. "Kayley! You're gonna miss it!"
"I wont Chris." I said from the bathroom, rolling my eyes.
"It's starting." He pressed.
"I swear to Eddie, Chris, I'm not going to miss it, the warning comes on first and then Johnny Knoxville comes on and says "I'm Johnny Knoxville! Welcome to Jackass!" and then it comes on." I answered as I walked into the main room.
"Whatever." He grumbled, knowing I was right. "Anyway, have you seen John yet?"
I shook my head, replying in the negative. "No, I do miss him."
"I can tell." He replied, pulling at my very own Cena jersey. I blushed and looked at the TV. "It's not anything to be embarrassed about, I mean, it's only natural for you to miss your best friend."
"I need to move on though."
"You will Kay! Don't rush it because if you do, you won't heal right. You have to give yourself time to miss them. Both of them."
I looked over at Chris who had turned his attention back to the television to watch the show. I had turned out the whole marathon, my mind reeling with thoughts of everything that's going on, like always. About 5 hours after all the Jackass episodes, I was left in my room, alone. Chris had kissed my cheek goodnight before leaving me in the darkness that was the horrible hotel room.
I could see myself in the mirror from where I was sitting on my bed. I still looked like myself but with black hair. I was still pretty and Shawn's spittin' image. The night had fallen over the city, the moon casting a soft glow into the hotel room. My curtains were opened and I wanted to hide under my covers, not wanting Eddie to see me in such a state of distress.
"Eddie? What do I do?" I asked to the air, hoping with all my heart that Eddie could hear me. "I'm so confused and I'm so…lost. Since you passed away, I've been broken and alone. I'm confused as to what to do." I sighed heavily, standing up and walking towards the mirror, watching my bright blue eyes blink. "Sometimes I wonder what it's like, to be like you. I know that I have great family here and wonderful friends but I'd give anything to just see you again."
I touched my reflections, letting my fingers slide down the cool glass of the mirror. "Eddie, I need your help. As you probably know, John and Randy are at each other's throats and I'm in the middle of all this. I just don't know what to do. I yelled at them both, telling them that I don't have to see them ever again. Was I in the wrong? Was I being selfish?
"John has been my best friends for years, helping me through one of the darkest times of my young life. He helped me grow and mature but maybe it wasn't the right thing. I love John with all my heart, he's a wonderful person but I don't think he deserves someone who is as complicated as me. He deserves a woman who can help him this time around, a woman who knows what she's doing in a relationship. All I ask of you is that you help him, help him move on and find someone that he deserves. I don't believe that is me.
"Then there is Randy, jeez, where do I start? He was there first but he was the one who made me like this. I became heartless. I was such a careful person and now I'm completely careless. I'm breaking two men's hearts that deserve the world and not more heartache. They've been through enough without me and I'm just adding to it.
"I pray to you Eddie, that you set John and Randy free from me. If it's meant to be, then let them come back for me. If not, let them move on. I'm tired of hurting them. I want them to be able to live a life where there is no hurt from me. I love them both, dearly, but I cant hurt them and they can't hurt me.
"Eddie, you know I don't pray for myself very often, it's usually for others but I need this one. Let my heart heal in the way you see is right and possible. If you decide to do something, let me have the courage and bravery to accept it. I will take anything you give me in stride because I know you know best." I looked at my watering blue eyes. "I love you Eddie and every day I miss you so much. I wish you could come back. I hope you would be proud of me for following the business and loving it in the way you did. One day we will meet again. Viva La Raza my friend."
I turned away from the mirror, feeling a heaviness come off my shoulders and heart. I looked up at the ceiling, smiling. It was one fo those moments where you know it was a 'Higher Up' that just did a favor.
"You'll collect when I get up there Eddie, I know." I smiled and crawled into bed. I fell asleep with a smile that could light up New York City in a blackout.
Viva La Raza, my friend, Viva La Raza.