DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.

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Chapter 11

I knocked on Eli's door before our Tuesday morning seminar. He had a hard time waking up most mornings so I always made sure to come a few minutes early just in case he was still asleep. But I waited for a minute, knocking again, and he didn't answer.

It was rare, though not impossible, that Eli might have woken up before me and taken off for class. Some mornings he was so desperate for coffee that I'd run into him in class, where he'd have a second cup waiting for me. I'd always told him that he should just knock on my door and I'd come with him but he was terrified of waking up Mikayla and having to deal with her wrath since she seemed to have decided that her morning classes were attendance-optional.

But when I got to class he wasn't there and even when the professor came in and took attendance, Eli's seat was still empty. I wasn't really sure what was going on with him; he hadn't quite been acting himself the last few days. After my class last night, I'd grabbed dinner with Maureen and her suitemate Becca and texted Eli to see if he wanted to join us. But as I listened to Becca talk about how she was studying abroad in Paris last semester, Eli neither appeared or responded to my text.

In fact, it wasn't until I had practically reached the dorm after a long, interesting dinner that my phone buzzed and there was an email from Eli. HeyClare – Haveaheadache.Goingtobedearly. – Eli.He had attached his reading response for our seminar for me to print out for him since his printer had run out of ink a few weeks ago and he was too lazy to buy more.

I couldn't believe Eli had gone to bed at 8:30 at night and that he was skipping class this morning. He at least could have answered the door to let me know he was sick. I told Professor Stinson that Eli hadn't been feeling well the night before and handed in his assignment, making sure to take careful notes on our discussion of whether the Twilight books and movies created a dangerous paradigm of sexuality and gender norms in relationships for teenage girls. I knew Eli hadn't read the books even though they were on the syllabus, but I had made him watch the first three movies with me while we were dating in high school.

By the end of class, I was really feeling worried for him. I stopped by the campus convenience store and picked up a box of tissues, carton of orange juice and a container of Nyquil. I wasn't sure if he had even bothered to get dinner the night before, so I made an extra stop at the cafeteria and begged the lunch lady to give me a to-go container of chicken noodle soup.

I walked back to his room and knocked on the door loudly enough that if he was in there, he wouldn't be able to sleep through it. I waited a few seconds and knocked again just as loudly.

Eli answered the door and I had to contain my immediate inclination to gasp at the sight of him. He looked terrible – all bags under his eyes and pale skin. His hair hung limply in his face and though I usually loved seeing him in pajama pants and a t-shirt, he looked like he had grown somewhat gaunt over the past few days even though I knew that was impossible.

"What do you want, Clare?" he asked with a weariness in his voice, as if even asking the question was too much for him.

"Oh honey," I said, pushing past him. His blankets and sheets were all twisted and I resisted the urge to straighten them up. I started to unload my bags. "Don't worry. I told Dr. Stinson you weren't feeling well and I handed in your response paper. And we talked about Twilight in class so you didn't really miss anything except an opportunity to argue with me in public." I stood back to show him what I had done. "I got you some tissues and orange juice and medicine and some chicken soup, in case you're getting hungry. If you need anything else, just let me know. Do you want me to call Cece? I know when I'm sick sometimes I just need my mom, even though it's kind of silly at my age."

"Clare," he said softly. He sounded frustrated and I turned to him in confusion. "I'm not sick."

"Oh." I wasn't sure what he meant by that. He looked awful. "What's the matter then?"

"Nothing's the matter," he mumbled.

"Eli..." I chided.

He ran his fingers through his already messy hair, looking really upset. "Look this is very thoughtful of you and all but this is really the last thing I need right now."

"And what exactly do you need right now?" I asked, dryly.

His tone turned serious with just an edge of cruel. "I need you to leave me alone."

I looked at him in shock for a few seconds, but he held my gaze, letting me know he meant exactly what he had said. I had no idea what I'd done wrong or what the hell was wrong with him, but I was pretty sure that none of this was my fault.

"Fine," I said. "You let me know when you're done being an asshole."

I managed to make it back to my room before I started crying. This all just felt so out of nowhere. Things had been so good between us ever since we got back together. I had no idea what was going on with him but it just made me feel awful that his immediate response was to push me away.

I kept running through all of the worse case scenarios: that he had cheated on me, that he had realized getting back together was a mistake. It wasn't until I imagined him planning a threesome with Imogen and Fiona that I realized that all I was doing was making myself nuts. If Eli needed a little space, I could give that to him.

I opened up the door to my room in case he changed his mind and tried to focus on getting some homework done. He hadn't left his room at all by the time I needed to leave for Biology class and I thought about skipping, but that was the class I was doing the worst in and I knew missing the lecture just in case Eli needed me was a bad call.

When I got back his door was still shut, but I could hear the tv on in the background so he was most likely there. Mikayla was in our room but she had headphones on for once and her mouth remained closed, so I continued to slog through some reading, glancing over at Eli's door every now and then.

Eventually she left for her night class, and I was starting to get almost as hungry as I was frustrated. I called in an order at a local Chinese food place and walked over to pick it up, not wanting to rely on their very slow delivery service. I needed some comfort food and if my gut was telling me right, so did Eli.

I knocked on his door again, making it clear I wasn't going anywhere. When he opened the door he looked a little better than he had earlier. He had clearly timed taking a shower with my biology class so he wouldn't have to see me and put on fresh pajamas if not real clothing.

"Hi," he said and I considered that to be progress.

"I come bearing Chinese food," I said, holding up the bag. "Peace offering?"

He looked reluctant. "I told you I want to be alone." But his tone wasn't as emphatic as it was earlier and I knew I could get through to him.

I glanced over his shoulder at his alarm clock. "Well, I left you alone for eight hours...so I'm pretty sure that I honored my end of the bargain. Plus I brought Chinese food."

He laughed despite himself. "Okay," he reluctantly agreed.

We sat down at opposite ends of the bed and started to eat, not really saying anything. Eli got up and poured us two glasses of the orange juice I had brought him earlier. It kind of tasted gross with the food we were eating but I had a feeling that was the only non-alcoholic beverage he had in the room and he probably wasn't in the mood to drink.

I was surprised when it was Eli who broke the silence. "Thanks for this," he said genuinely, gesturing at our dinner. "And the soup, before. You were right. I was pretty hungry."

"You're welcome," I said. I waited to see if had anything else to add. But he lapsed back into the unusually uncomfortable silence.

He finished quickly – I didn't think he'd eaten very much – and threw out his carton, taking his seat again and watching me as I finished up. He wrapped his arms around his knees and I could see that the hand that wasn't tucked underneath was shaking a little. I put my food down on his desk and moved just a little bit closer to him, still making sure to keep a respectful distance.

"Eli," I said softly. "Talk to me."

He shook his head.

"Why are you pushing me away?" I asked gently, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice.

I was surprised when he responded. "I don't want you to see me like this."

"Like what?"

"Depressed."

I stared at him. "What?" I couldn't believe that all of this – the anger and the pushing me away and all of the hurt I'd felt – was the result of your garden variety depression.

He didn't respond and part of me wanted to go over to him and shake him. "Why are you trying to hide from me? Do you really think I don't know what it's like? I've spent half the semester fighting off some level of depression and you were there after my parents fell apart..."

"It's not the same, Clare."

"Well then tell me...what's different about it?"

"I'm bipolar," he reminded me, though I'd obviously never forgotten.

"So?" I didn't mean to be glib but Eli's reticence to explain what was really going on was starting to get to me.

"It means when I'm depressed it's a really big fucking deal."

I was far from an expert on bipolar disorder though when Eli had revealed his condition to me I had done some research on it. "Are you still taking your meds?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even so it didn't sound like I was accusing him of anything.

He nodded.

"Are you still seeing your therapist?"

He nodded again.

"Is she worried about this?"

Eli sighed. "I called her this morning but she asked me the usual questions and decided that this is probably just a temporary low swing and not something to get too alarmed about. I'm not doing too great but I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm going to see her tomorrow just in case though."

"That's good, Eli."

He cringed. "I'd been doing really well."

"Hey," I said softly, leaning closer to him. "Everybody has ups and downs, bipolar or not. It's nothing to be ashamed of." I thought about what the books I had read said. "Even with the meds, your moods aren't going to be completely level. It wouldn't be possible unless you were a zombie all of the time." I remembered how Eli was when he was first diagnosed with anxiety and the meds they had him on were definitely not right. He shrugged. "It sounds to me like you're doing everything right, taking your meds and going to the doctor."

He snorted. "Everything right and I'm still a mess..."

"Eli..."

But he clammed up immediately. "I can't talk about this with you."

I looked him sadly but he wouldn't even meet my eyes. "I'm your girlfriend," I said tearfully.

"And that's exactly why you're the last person I can go to with this stuff."

"You're not making any sense."

He looked away and was silent and I was terrified that he was done, that he was going to shut me out again. But after a long pause, he said, "Last year, I was like this a lot."

I nodded, encouraging him and he kept going. "I don't know why I ever thought that moving to Vancouver was a good idea, but I'm sure I could have made it work. But stupid me made just about every bad decision on earth. I met Kate and fell for her hard, and never bothered to make any other friends. And I didn't like my therapist out there; I just couldn't trust him – but rather than find somebody else, someone I could be honest with, I just pretended that I was doing really well so he'd keep refilling my prescriptions, and he didn't even notice I was faking. And I had to drop French two weeks in because everybody in the damn class was from Quebec and I had no fucking clue what was going on."

Eli looked miserable and I wanted to give him a hug but I didn't want to do anything to interrupt his story, so I just gave him an encouraging look as he continued. "It rained all the fucking time and my roommate was a prick and all I wanted to do was come home. And all I'd let myself do was stay there because in my opinion, being miserable was better than being a failure. So I clung to Kate because she was the only thing good in my life and I spent days in bed feeling worthless. And finally, she told me that I wasn't the guy she thought I was and she broke up with me."

A tear slipped out of his eye. "She dumped me and I had nothing."

"Oh Eli," I said softly. I reached for his hand but he pulled it away, and I wanted to sob in frustration. "I'm not Kate," I reminded him. "I'm not going to give up on you just because you're in a bad place."

"Oh yeah?" he challenged, his eyes flashing. "Because I'm pretty sure that's exactly what you did last time we were together."

It all came back. Eli's possessiveness upon Fitz's return. His creepy Gothic Tales story and his insistence that our writing partnership was our destiny. His refusal to leave my side, to let me have some space when I needed it, to accept that just because we wanted different things didn't mean that I was wrong.

Over all these years, I had come to accept that I had done the right thing for both of us by breaking up with him. Eli needed help that I couldn't give him, and it wasn't until he crashed his hearse that his parents took his mental health issues seriously enough to get him the help he needed. But I'd always been haunted by how I'd broken up with him. I'd left him completely alone when he needed me most and even when he continued to go through periods of instability, I'd buried my head in the sand and pretended that he wasn't my problem anymore.

God, it was no wonder Eli was terrified of me seeing him depressed. He'd had three girlfriends and two of us dumped him when he was either manic or depressed and the third died. Julia obviously had no say in her tragic demise, but I knew Eli couldn't help but feel abandoned. I knew that the only thing worse than being depressed was being depressed while you felt alone.

"Eli," I began, trying to figure out what I could say to make this better. "I know I screwed up the first time around...but I can't keep apologizing for that. You're just going to have to trust that I'm not a scared fifteen year old girl anymore. And you're not the same guy either. I know it must be hard when you're feeling like this, but you're not completely out of control like you were back then. You've made so much progress and I'm proud of you."

I scooted closer to him on the bed and put my hand on his leg, relieved when he didn't tense up immediately or move away. "I'm here, Eli. I'm not going anywhere. But you can't push me away...it just hurts me and I know it doesn't make anything better for you." I grabbed his hands and looked into his eyes. "I want to be here for you. Just like you've been there for me so many times when I've needed you. But if this is going to work, you have to let me."

He nodded and wiped a tear from his eye, placing his hand back in mine right away. "Okay," he whispered.

"Do you feel any better?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't feel much better," he said, and my heart sank. "But I feel a lot less scared."

I felt a little better to hear him say that. I didn't want him to ever be afraid that I was going to leave him. But there were a lot of things we needed to address. "Is there anything in particular that's causing you to feel bad?" He didn't respond right away so I quickly added. "Like when you were talking about Vancouver you mentioned some things that weren't great and I know a lot of them don't apply here. I mean, you're pretty used to the cold weather in Toronto but it doesn't rain all the time here. And I know you're kicking ass in most of your classes."

Eli cleared his throat. "Nothing that specific. I mean, I'm doing well in my classes but the workload is pretty killer. I've had to pull a few all-nighters to get papers done and not getting enough sleep never helps anything."

That was something we could work on. "Maybe we could set up a good study schedule. So you can get your work done without affecting your sleep schedule. And instead of keeping you up so late, we can try to end our dates at a reasonable hour."

A slight smirk formed on his lips. "Yeah because taking away nights of making out with my beautiful half-naked girlfriend is exactly the way to make me less depressed."

I swatted his shoulder in jest but really I was just pleased to see signs of the normal Eli peeking through. "I'm sure we can come up with some sort of compromise."

Eli's smile was short-lived. "My biggest problem is that this is all irrational. I mean, when I look at my life objectively, everything is great. I've got you, and Cece and Bullfrog, and Adam and Fiona...I've got my job and Maureen and the other kids on the program board. I'm so much happier here than I was in Vancouver."

His tone grew somber. "But some days I wake up and I just feel worthless. And nothing I can say to myself makes me feel better."

"You're not worthless," I said emphatically. "Not to me...and not to a lot of other people."

Eli got quiet again and I felt myself empathizing with him just a little too much. I wanted to comfort him but I also kind of needed the same thing for myself.

"Can I hug you?" I asked, desperate for him to say yes.

He held out his arms and I fell into him, curling my legs over his lap to get as close to him as I could in a seated position. I buried my face in his chest and one of his hands came up to stroke my hair.

We stayed there holding each other for a long time and when we finally broke apart, things felt...better. I leaned back in and he met my lips in a brief kiss.

He pushed a strand of curly hair back behind my ear to get it out of my face. "You know, sometimes a change of scenery helps me find a new perspective on things. I've been thinking of getting away for a weekend...my parents have a cottage up in lake country and I haven't been up there in a while. I'm in charge of the show this weekend, but I was thinking maybe the next would work."

I wasn't sure I liked the idea of Eli going off into the woods by himself when he was feeling so terrible but I wanted to be supportive and I figured chances were his mood would improve at least a little in that amount of time. "That might be a good idea."

"If you wanted to...I'd like it if you came with me," he said with a husky voice.

I couldn't help but smile. "I would like that."

He squeezed my shoulder. "I know it's kind of early. But I think I should try to get some sleep."

"Sure," I said. "Do you want me to stay? Or is it easier to sleep when you're not sharing a tiny twin bed?"

He laughed. "It is a little easier when I'm not sharing a tiny twin bed with a girl I'd like to have sex with."

"Eli!" I knew he was mostly joking but he'd never come out and directly said those words before.

"It's true," he smirked.

"Well, then you better get to bed so you can dream about all the sex that you aren't having," I teased, leaning in to kiss him.

"That sounds like a plan."

"And I'll see you tomorrow."

I gave him one more kiss and then stood up to leave. But Eli grabbed my hand and stopped me.

"Thank you," he said. "For not giving up on me."

There were so many sappy responses I could give to that. But I figured it was more important to show him just how serious I was about not giving up on him. So I just repeated, "I'll see you tomorrow...I love you."