Bernie had dressed herself without really thinking. Consequently she was slightly mismatched in a pair of skinny blacks jeans and a navy blue hoody over a faded grey t shirt. She had used some dry shampoo and shoved her hair up in a messy ponytail, but as usual, bits were escaping already, adding to the dishevelled air around her. The back of her car was full of tennis and her bags and she'd written out letters for Henrik and for Cam. She planned to leave them both with Serena as she was having to see her anyway, the text "Good S x" making her slightly nervous. If Serena wanted her pound of flesh she could have it Bernie decided. She would listen to whatever Serena said and then she would go.
Where was slightly more difficult but there were plenty of B and Bs in Holby or further afield where she could hole up for a few weeks while she planned her next move. Getting a reference from Henrik might prove tricky though, after all he had let her open the trauma unit and she was leaving him high and dry. She felt a pang of remorse at that, the gentle and intimidating Swede had always seemed to go out of his way for her and she hated to think he was going to think badly of her. "not possible" hissed the voice in her head, "he knows it was only a matter of time before you created a disaster". She clenched her fists and inhaled sharply as a pang of pain ran through her. Fetching some more kitchen paper she bound her palm again, even less effectively than last time and shoved it in her pocket. Made a mental note to keep it there while she was with Serena.
She thought about AAU next, how quickly they had accepted her as one of them, brought her into the little family that Serena had created there. Cheering each other on in the high points and holding one another in the desperate lows that seemed to haunt the corridors. RAF with his wife and Fletch and his kids. Morven. Bernie shook her head sadly as she thought about all the talented and sensitive young doctor had had to cope with in the last year. Knew that her leaving would probably cause them all moments of pain until they realised that she had really hurt the mother of AAU, her best friend, then they'd close off and be lost to her forever. Just another set of ghosts to confine to a box in her mind, thought Bernie, feeling the sadness rush up and over her. This was the first time she had fit, belonged, mattered. Even in the army she had held herself separate, apart from Alex of course. This had been the first time she let her guard drop, allowed herself friends and that was clearly the problem. She just wasn't cut out for it, didn't deserve them. "Never again" Bernie agreed with herself. "I can't feel this again. I'm better off alone where I can't damage anyone".
Feeling the beginnings of a headache she went back to the tiny bathroom and dig around for some paracetamol. Finding a box she dug two out and swallowed them without water. Briefly considered...but no. Not like that. Not now. Not yet.
She looked at her face in the mirror above the sink and started slightly as she saw the pale, gaunt face with huge dark bags under the reddest eyes possible look back at her. Resisted the urge to rip it off the wall and throw it across the room. She couldn't bare to look at herself, she was repulsed by the sight of herself, as so many people had told her she should be.
Looking at her thin silver watch she noted the time and pulled on a pair of converse and a light khaki jacket. Took one last look around the flat and closed the front door, pushing the keys into the key safe outside. In her letter to Cameron she'd asked him to let the landlord know and to ask him to email her the final bills including any charges he liked lieu of a notice period. It had started to drizzle so she walked quickly to the car and got in the drivers seat. A wall of anxiety rose as realised she was going to see Serena. Thought briefly about just going but no, she would, for once face the fear and do it anyway. Then she would run, with justification for all the hurt and misery she was leaving in her wake.
Forcing herself to pay attention as she drove, she negotiated the few miles between her house and Serena's. She'd been there a few times for dinner with the brunette and Jason and loved how it always felt warm and welcoming, smelling of flowers and Jason's aftershave, filled with the sound of some weird singers she'd never heard of but always feeling like a home. Some chance of that today. She wasn't expecting to even be allowed through the door, Serena probably would just shout at her there and then and send her off in a haze of anger.
Rounding the final corner she swallowed and pulled into the driveway, gravel crunching under her wheels as she put on the handbrake and turned off the ignition. Sat there for a few minutes waiting for the world to stop spinning and to be able to breathe again.
Summoning every last ounce of courage she closed her eyes, sang her battle song in her head and opened the car door.