Emmie finally came home just in time for her 1st birthday party. She had been in the hospital for a couple of months this time.

Thankfully, her next surgery wasn't scheduled for another 6 months. It was a relief to be home and not see my daughter hooked up to iv's and monitors.

That night Jacob and I put Emmie to bed together and watched her while she slept. He took my hand in his and quietly led me out of the room and into our bedroom. He started kissing me and tearing at my clothes.

"Jake…" He fisted my hair pulling my head back and forcing my mouth open as his tongue slipped inside.

I felt my body start to respond but my mind was still in control. I pushed at him and he pulled away looking at me with a frustrated expression.

"Im not on birth control. I haven't had time to make an appointment. Do we have any condoms?"

"Bella, seriously?! We haven't been together in months and all you can think about is that? We are married, if you get pregnant again its fine."

"Do you honestly think we need to be having another baby right now? With all that we are going through with Emmie?"

"I want to make love to my wife! I am willing to take that risk because I need you. I need to feel like we still are connected."

I started to argue but I saw his vulnerability hidden behind a mask of anger. His body was starting to shake like it used to when he first started phasing. I knew it would hurt him if I refused and I didn't want to see the pain turn to anger like it always did with him lately. I was already hanging by a thread emotionally.

I slipped my pajama pants down my hips and let them fall to the floor. I pulled my t-shirt up over my head and dropped it on the floor beside my pajama pants. I stepped forward and put my hand on Jacob's chest and lifted my head to look up at him. Instantly his mood shifted, his animalistic lust took over.

He wasn't gentle with me, I could feel his anger still lurking underneath his desire. He turned me around so that my back was pressed against his chest. He roughly pulled my underwear off, spread my legs apart and pushed me so I was bent over our bed and thrust himself into me so hard I had to bite back a scream. He kept thrusting into me hard and fast, his hands on either side of my hips holding me up as he drilled into me. My hands gripped the blanket as I cried out into the mattress. I felt his throbbing inside me as he found his release.

I waited for him to pull out of me but he didn't. I started to move away but he growled. He never stopped moving inside me and I felt him start to harden again. He pulled out of me long enough to turn me around push me back onto the bed. He put one of my legs over his shoulder and pushed himself back into me. Some of his anger had dissipated so he was a little more gentle with me this time. I held on to him and tried to enjoy it this time. Something in my face seemed to spark his anger again and he grabbed my head forcing my eyes to look into his.

"Look at me! Don't you dare think of HIM while I, your husband, am making love to you."

I couldn't hide the shock from him.

"What? You think I didn't know thats what you are doing when you close your eyes. I can tell the difference, Bella. When you keep eye contact and participate in making love with me I know its me you're seeing. It's me you are making love to. But the times you close your eyes you barely respond to me. You're thinking of him and I know it's not me you want fucking you. But tonight I am not in the mood to pretend I don't know whats happening. You will see me. You will know it's me moving inside you. It's me that is making you moan. It's me who will make you climax and it's me who will you will feel come inside you. Not him!"

"Jake.. I.."

"No…" He kissed me roughly and I kept my eyes on his as I responded to every touch. I closed my mind to every thought or worry and just let myself feel the pleasure my husband was trying to make me feel. It was his name I called out when I felt myself tighten around him and it was only his face I saw when my body vibrated with it's release.

Jacob filled me with his seed for the second time that night and then rolled us over so I was laying on top of his chest. I fell into an exhausted sleep as I listened to his steady heartbeat.

When I woke up the next morning I was alone in bed. My body was sore and I remembered the conversation we had. I had thought I done a good job of hiding the times I couldn't keep thoughts of Edward at bay. I should have known better. I never was good at lying or pretending. And Jacob knew me better than anyone.

Sighing I got out of bed and put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. I started for Emmie's room to check on her but I heard her babbling in the kitchen. I walked down the short hall and found Jacob feeding her breakfast. I stood silently in the doorway and watched them together.

We enjoyed quality family time over the next six months. I tried harder to be a good wife for Jacob. I never allowed myself to think of Edward as I made love with my husband. Jacob wasn't so willing to forgive me this time. It seemed the harder I tried the more frustrated he was. His love making was never gentle anymore. I felt the distance growing between us but I didn't know how to fix it.

The night before Emmie's next surgery I had one of my old nightmares. Jacob shook me awake, I looked into his angry eyes and immediately burst into tears. He let go of my arms and sat back against the pillows.

"I just don't understand why you cant let him go Bella. It's been years now."

"It was just a nightmare Jacob. A completely empty black nightmare. He isn't even in it."

"Then why do you call out for him every time you have it?"

"I do what?"

"You call out his name over and over."

"I don't have control over what I dream about or talk about in my sleep Jacob. You can hardly hold that against me." I sighed in frustration.

"Maybe not, but Im still competing against him even though he left you and doesn't care enough to come back to protect you from Victoria and her friend."

I flinched knowing Jacob was trying to hurt me. Guilt washed over me. I was hurting him daily and he didn't deserve that. But I had warned him hadn't I?

"Jacob I warned you before we were married that there was always going to be a part of me that would never work right, that would always be his. You said I was enough, that what I had to offer was and always would be enough."

Jacob rubbed his eyes. "I know, Bella. But I thought with more time you would heal and Edward would become some distant memory. Look I know you are trying but its painful to watch. And frankly, Im tired of being hurt. I can't keep pretending I'm okay with him still having a hold over you. Maybe… we should take a break from each other. Just for a little while."

Tears slipped down my face, my arms wrapped around my chest as a new smaller hole started to develop. I couldn't look at him, I didn't want to see the pain and anger in his eyes.

"I wish I could be what you deserve Jake. I pray every day for that. I love you as much as I am capable of, I hope you realize that at least. It kills me to know Im hurting you and if you need time then I will give you that. After Emmie's surgery tomorrow she and I will stay at Charlie's for a while." I got out of bed and stumbled out of the room before he could respond. I kept holding my chest as I tried to quiet my crying. I slipped into Emmie's room and curled up in the rocking chair watching her sleep as the tears streamed down my face.

The ride to the hospital was silent except for Emmie's occasional chatter. I stared out the window as Jacob drove. When we arrived at the hospital I walked silently beside Jacob as he carried Emmie inside. We were brought to a pre-op room and I changed Emmie into a tiny hospital gown. I kissed her cheek and whispered how much I love her before they wheeled her in to the operating room. We were escorted to the waiting room and I took a seat by the window and turned my body away from Jacob and stared out the window. My arms again involuntarily wrapped themselves tightly around my chest. Charlie arrived shortly after us and looked from Jacob to me. He frowned when he saw my arms around my chest. He sat down quietly next to me, nobody said anything and I felt like I was slowly losing my mind.