Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio
Will (sharpening his sword): When I was a lad living in England, my mother raised me by herself. After she died, I came here, looking for my father.
Jack: Is that so?
Will: My father, Will Turner. At the jail, it was only after you learned my name that you agreed to help. Since that's what I wanted, I didn't press the matter. I'm not a simpleton, Jack.
Jack: That's news to me.
Will: You knew my father.
Jack: I knew him. Probably one of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap or Bootstrap Bill, or Big Red.
Will: Big Red? What's that mean?
Jack: I'm afraid the ratings system prohibits me from telling you, Will.
Will: I'm sorry. Can you tell me what Bootstrap means, then? (Jack hands him a huge bulky dictionary)
Jack: Good man. Good pirate. I swear you look just like him.
Will (tossing aside dictionary): It's not true! He was a merchant sailor. A good, respectable man who obeyed the law.
Jack: He was a bloody pirate, a scallywag.
Will (unsheathes sword): My father was not a pirate.
Jack: Put it away, son. It's not worth you getting beat again.
Will: You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I'd kill you.
Jack: Then that's not much incentive for me to fight fair, then, is it? (he moves one of the sails so that the yard catches Will and swings him out over the sea) Now, as long as you're hanging there, pay attention. The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that someday. Now, me, for example, I can let you drown, but I can't bring this shop into Tortuga all by me onesy, savvy? So? (swings Will back on board and offers him his sword) Can you sail under the command of a pirate? Or can you not?
Will (taking back his sword): Tortuga?
Jack: Actually, first we have to make a stop at the Kodak Theatre, so I can pick up my well-deserved Oscar for making that speech.
(Suddenly they are transported there simply by a falling backdrop; Will looks at himself, spontaneously dressed in a tuxedo, sitting next to Elizabeth in a dress on his right, and Pintel and Raggeti on his left; Jack is onstage at podium, Oscar statuette in hand)
Raggeti: Cheer up, Brain!
Pintel (arms crossed): I can't believe we had to sell the lab for these tickets. Oh well. Maybe with the money from a sequel we can—
Raggeti: Shh! Yakko's talking!
Jack: Wow, there's so many people to thank, um, where do I start? Hmm….okay, thanks to the people at Warner Bros. for creating me and my little sibs and for being stupid enough to hire Ralph for their studio security guard…
Barbossa (blushing): Aww, you shouldn't have…
Jack: …and Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio for writing this fabulous script…come on, TNT, take a bow! (Ted & Terry rise and bow) You guys are da bomb! Okay, sit back down now. (they sit; dynamite explodes)
Anamaria (laughing): Heh heh heh! You're right, they are da bomb! (to television/movie audience) Now that's comedy!
Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, Slappy Squirrel! (audience applauds)
Anamaria (to applauding audience, nonchalantly): Really, you're too kind.
Jack: And I want to thank Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer productions for joining with our host company, Warner Bros., to take the time to make this film! I had a wonderful time working with all of you, and I can't wait till the sequel comes around!
Ted: Who said anything about a sequel?
Jack (gasping, angry): Slappy, get him!
Anamaria (handing Ted a lit dynamite stick): Here. You gonna give a speech now, too?
Ted (scrambling cartoonishly with dynamite stick): Get it away! Get it away! Get it away! (dynamite explodes)
Anamaria (to television/movie audience): I like it. Short and sweet.
Terry (to Ted): You know, Ted…we should maybe write a sequel.
Ted: You're right, Ted. You're absolutely right. Let's write a sequel.
Jack: Thank you all! Goodnight everybody!
Elizabeth (pointing girlishly to Jack): That's my brother! That's my brother up there! That's my brother with the Oscar!
(Backdrop lifts, Jack and Will are back on Interceptor, in the clothes they were wearing before)
Jack (to Will): Anyway, yeah. Tortuga! (on Tortuga) More importantly, it is indeed a sad life that has never breathed deep this sweet, proliferous bouquet that it Tortuga, savvy? What do you think?
Will: It smells funny. (covering nose) PU!
Jack: I'll tell you, mate, if every town in the world were like this one, no man would ever feel unwanted. (he and Will see Scarlet)
Jack and Will (jumping into Scarlett's arms): HELLOOOOOO NURSE!
Jack (to Will): Her name's Scarlett, by the way. (Scarlet throws them to the ground, then picks up Jack and slaps him) Not sure I deserved that. (he and Will notice Giselle)
Jack and Will (jumping into Giselle's arms): HELLOOOOOOOO NURSE!
Jack (to Will): Her name's Giselle, by the way. (Giselle throws them on the ground, then picks up Jack by the cheeks)
Giselle (to Jack): Who was she?! (referencing Scarlett)
Jack: Beg pardon? (Giselle slaps him silly, then throws him on ground, on top of Will)
Will: OW! Get off me!
Jack: I may have deserved that.