Author's Note: So looks like the vote for longer chapters wins, thanks to everyone who has reviewed, it's great to hear that you are enjoying this story! And now, Shawn meets Juliet... again :)
Chapter Eleven: I Can Still Feel You
"It's the sensation that someone just whispered, I still hear your voice but you're not really here."
It was another quiet day at the Santa Barbara police department. It seemed that there were too many of these days lately, and Juliet had never known that silence could be so loud, but that's exactly what it was at this particular moment. It settled heavily over every inch of the department, like an unseen weight. It wasn't so much that it was quiet, but what that silence meant that made it so uncomfortable. But then, it had been unbearably silent since that day over a month ago that Carlton had slowly walked towards her desk with that look on his face that instantly told her something terrible had happened. Carlton had tried to stall, to find and easy way to tell her, but there had been no easy way to tell her that Shawn might never walk through those doors again.
Juliet knew that Carlton had taken the news of Shawn's condition particularly hard, especially since he had been the one to drive out on that stormy night to pick up him up. Carlton had confided in her that he knew that he should have taken Shawn to the hospital, but at three in the morning he had simply not been in the mood to argue with a rain soaked shocky Spencer. So he had given into the younger man's wishes, a small part of him happy to see how annoyed the elder Spencer had been at his son. But it was a decision that he had regretted immediately the following day, and every day after that for the next month. It didn't matter how many times Henry, or the chief, or even Juliet told Lassiter it wasn't his fault. But every day that dragged on in silence ate away at her partner just a little more.
Juliet knew that some of the cops here were enjoying the return to the mundane and boring routine their lives had consisted of before Shawn had arrived. But Juliet had never known a life at the SBPD without Shawn Spencer and his antics. And as annoying as he had sometimes been, she had learned all too quickly after the accident what an important part of the department Shawn had been. Through his guilt, even Lassiter had felt the effects of Shawn's absence. In the first few weeks after they had received the bad news, Juliet had often looked over to see her partner starring longingly down the hallway, looking for some sort of ridiculous distraction that wasn't going to come. Some days, the silence was so bad that Juliet could not think or focus on anything. It was on these days that Juliet would give up on her work for the afternoon, and go visit Shawn in the hospital.
As soon as she had received the news, and had recovered enough to fully realize what it meant, Juliet had gone to see Shawn. They all had, even the Chief and Buzz. Their guilt over their last encounter with Shawn only served to deepen the emptiness and stillness that each new day at the station without Shawn brought. And Juliet was sure that no one felt worse for what had happened to Shawn than she did. Despite the real reasons for Shawn's accident, Juliet knew that had they not been so angry with him, had she not said those horrible things to him, Shawn would never have left town that afternoon and would never have gotten into the accident.
So she and Lassiter had visited nearly every day for the first while, but eventually when there was no change, the visits had dwindled as they were forced to return to the responsibilities of their jobs. Now, Juliet tried to make it there once a week, if for no other reason than to ensure that Henry and Gus were still handling everything as best they could. She would spend a few minutes, standing silently beside Shawn's bed, grasping his hand in hers simply to feel its warmth and know that he was alive. She watched as the bruises slowly faded from his face, and his features became drawn and angular from his extended stay. Sometimes, if she could convince Gus and Henry to leave her alone with Shawn for a few moments, she would pull a chair up beside him and gently rest her head on his chest, finding comfort and peace in the steady beating of his heart. And always, she prayed that she would look up to see him smiling down at her with that with that devilish grin of his. But he never did, and so, when her time was up, she would leave, sad and broken hearted that it had taken this for her to realize exactly what Shawn meant to her, for her to realize how much she couldn't stand to lose him. But she hadn't had the opportunity to visit Shawn for a while now, she had been bogged down with a heavy case load for the past couple of weeks and hadn't had the opportunity to leave.
And so, it was a little over a month and a half following the accident that Juliet found herself sitting behind her desk trying to find some way to distract herself from the insufferable silence when a sudden blur of motion down the hall attracted her attention. She looked up from her work and glanced down the hall to where the activity seemed to be focused. A group of officers seemed to be gathering there, looking at something that had just come into the station. Needed a distraction from her thoughts, Juliet watched as the group stirred and parted, giving her a glimpse of what had captured their attention. As soon as her eyes laid sight on the object of their attention, a small gasp escaped her lips and her heart skipped a beat in her chest.
Shawn.
Joy swelled inside her as the remainder of the officers parted to reveal none other than Shawn Spencer himself strolling into the department just behind Henry. He walked through the station just like he had a hundred times before, just like nothing was amiss. It took Juliet a moment to get over her initial shock, Shawn was quite possibly the last person that she had expected to see here today. For a moment she was sure that she was hallucinating, that in her desire to see Shawn again, her mind had created a fantastic illusion. But if this was just a manifestation of her imagination, it was a very convincing one, especially since it seemed that everyone else seemed to be sharing in it as well. But his sudden appearance didn't make sense, Juliet hadn't even been aware that Shawn had woken up yet, let alone been released from the hospital. And yet, there he was.
Shawn had his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket as he followed Henry through the station. He looked completely fine, thinner certainly, but that could easily be explained by his stay in the hospital. He even had a small hint of that grin she loved so much playing at the corners of his mouth, but something was off. Juliet briefly considered that it might be the fact that he was quietly following Henry's lead and did not seem to be in the least bit concerned that his father appeared to be in charge of this visit. It wasn't in Shawn's nature to follow, or be quiet, but maybe he didn't have the energy for his usual exuberance quite yet. There was something else though, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.
As the two Spencer men made their way through the station, the group of officers surrounding them grew as everyone seemed to need to get a better look, to assure themselves that it was in fact Shawn Spencer that they were seeing. While they all stared and whispered amongst themselves, Shawn was casually and curiously scanning the gathering crowd, greeting those that said hello to him.
Shawn continued to sweep his gaze around the station, as though he were taking in the sights for the first time. His gaze momentarily settled on Juliet, his eyes locking with hers. But his face did not light up like it usually did when he saw her, instead it was almost as if he were seeing her for the first time. Juliet couldn't detect even a hint of recognition in his eyes. That's odd, she thought, slightly hurt and offended at his callous treatment of her. She understood that Shawn might still be harbouring some hard feelings towards her for what had occurred the last time she had seen him, but still, to not even offer a smile or nod of greeting was very unusual. But then again, if he really was still upset with her, perhaps that had been why Henry had neglected to inform her of his recovery.
"Weird," stated a deep voice suddenly from behind her.
Startled, Juliet jumped slightly as she turned to find that at some point, Lassiter had snuck up behind her and was observing the scene that was occurring across the station.
"Don't sneak up on me like that," Juliet scolded.
But Lassiter ignored her gentle reprimand, apparently lost in his own analysis of the situation.
"If I didn't know any better I would say he had no idea who we were at all. Did you see the way he just looked right through both of us?"
Before Juliet could answer, the Chief emerged from her office, took a moment to sum up what was going on and began snapping out orders.
"Alright everybody, I'm sure we are all glad to see that Mr. Spencer is alright, but you people have work to do, now get at it."
She waited a moment for everyone to disperse to their various tasks, including Lassiter who headed back to his desk with one last glance in Shawn's direction, before returning her attention to Henry and his son.
"Henry, come on in, let's talk." She stated simply, heading back into her office.
Henry moved forward, Shawn tailing behind him, but just before he entered the Chief's office Henry turned back to Shawn and instructed his son to wait outside him for him. Shawn stopped immediately and gave his father a slight nod, leaning casually against the wall as the Chief and Henry entered the office and closed the door behind him. Juliet watched him intently for a few moments. Was he just going to stand there, like he had been told to? She wondered. That was definitely not like Shawn at all. Unable to hold herself back any longer, Juliet got up and walked towards Shawn, who was fidgeting and looking around as though he was lost, but was otherwise staying where Henry had told him to.
"Shawn?" Juliet questioned as she approached him.
He looked at her, but even though his eyes met hers, Juliet felt as though he was not truly seeing her. There was still not as much as a trace of recognition on his face, and it was more than slightly disturbing.
"Hey," he replied casually enough, but with a hint of uncertainty, as though he wasn't quite sure of what she wanted from him.
"That's all you have to say?" she asked, surprised, " Why didn't you tell me that you were out of the hospital? I was really worried about you Shawn...we all were."
When he just looked at her in confusion she continued, "You have no idea how quiet it's been around here, Shawn, how much we've missed you. I'm so glad that you're alright. How long have you even been out for?"
"Ahh," started Shawn, uncertainly. But, hearing his hesitation, Juliet charged on before he could say more.
She couldn't help herself, the moment that she had started talking, everything just came spilling out. All of the emotions that had been building up inside her came pouring out before she could stop them.
"Look, Shawn, I know that I said some really terrible things before all of this happened and I really just wanted to say that I'm sorry. You know that I never meant any of it don't you?"
"I...," Shawn tried again.
"It's just that I was embarrassed and I knew I should have..."
Juliet's ramble was cut off abruptly as Shawn brought up his hand, gently placing two fingers over her lips until she stopped speaking, her eyes fixing on him in surprise. Shawn had never touched her like this before. He slowly removed his hand, then looked straight into her eyes and spoke in a very clear, slow tone.
" I would love to answer your questions, I really would. But I have two problems. First, you need to slow down so I can actually utter more than one syllable, and two, you need to tell me what kind of answer you're expecting, because I have no idea who you are or what you're talking about."
Juliet stared at him for a moment, processing what he had just said, still recovering from the shock of his sudden touch and the charge that it had sent through her entire body. Pulling herself back together, Juliet cleared her throat and took a better look at him while she answered.
"What do you mean you don't know who I am? Shawn, what's going on?"
"I don't know who you are." Shawn stated, looking straight into her eyes.
And she could see it there, reflected back at her. His eyes were empty. They still had that spark of life in them, but they were empty. There was no recognition whatsoever reflected back at her, but more than that, there was no hint of that mischievous sparkle, or the deep pools of intelligence, or the softness that always greeted her when she looked into his eyes. They were just empty, and that's when she realized, he wasn't lying, he had no idea who she was.
"Shawn, what happened? Why don't you know who I am?" Juliet asked, trying hard to keep her voice from cracking. She knew the truth, knew the answer before he even began to say it, but she needed to hear it to believe it.
"Um, I'm not really sure. It has something to do with me hitting my head, the doctors used a lot of really big, impressive sounding words and to tell the truth I wasn't really paying attention. But I guess the short version is that I don't remember anything from before I woke up in the hospital. "
Juliet didn't know what to say. She just stared at Shawn, trying to find any hint that the easy going exuberant man she had known was still in there somewhere. But she couldn't find any trace of him anywhere, and suddenly her last words to Shawn, spoken in anger, flashed across her mind and cut into her heart. It was in that moment that she realized exactly what she had done. In her anger, she had pushed Shawn away, and now he was gone, possibly for good. It was more than she could handle at this moment, and she knew she needed to get away before the rush of emotions that was welling up inside her overcame her.
"I'm so sorry Shawn," she said, spinning around quickly and heading deeper into the station as tears welled in her eyes, leaving a confused Shawn standing there waiting for his father to finish with the Chief.
Inside the Chief's office, Henry was trying to convince Karen to allow his son to return to the department to help, or at least follow Lassiter and O'Hara around.
"Henry, this is not a babysitting service," exclaimed Karen, "I cannot just have Shawn hanging around here all day. Do you know how many legal problems that could bring up? It was one thing when he could actually help us on cases, but he's a liability now and I cannot be responsible if he gets injured."
"It doesn't have to be every day, and he doesn't have to go out on cases," pleaded Henry.
"Henry! I cannot have Shawn hanging around here getting in the way, I don't have the time or the resources to assign a personal babysitter to your son. If he ever gets his memory back, I will be more than happy to let him continue in his previous position here with the department, but I can't authorize his participation here right now."
Henry stopped, staring back at the Chief with frustration before running his hand across his head and leaning forward. He settled his gaze directly on her and she knew that whatever he had to say next was going to be the complete truth, something hard for him to admit, something he maybe hadn't even had the chance to admit to himself yet.
"Alright look Karen, the thing is, I don't know if I can do this again. I've already raised my son once, and that was an experience that I don't really want to have to repeat. Besides that, the doctors said that it would be good to get him back into his old environments, and let's face it, if he's going to get his memory back it's not going to be because of me, we don't exactly have a rock solid relationship. I could really use this favour."
The Chief stared at him, seeing the pain reflected in Henry's eyes as he starred right back at her, evenly meeting her gaze. She felt terrible for the way that her last encounter with Henry had ended. She should have ensured that her officers had checked the facts before they had rushed off to follow Shawn's hunch. She knew that Shawn was prone to making wild accusations with absolutely no factual evidence to support his theories. It was part of the reason that she always insisted that Shawn bring her concrete evidence. It was her way of allowing him to do what he did best, while covering all her bases and saving the department from innumerable disasters. But this time, she had allowed her concern for detective O'Hara to prevent her from following normal procedure.
"Alright Henry," she relented with a sigh, "as a favour to you, I'll give it a try. But if find that he becomes a hazard or is getting in the way then he goes back home with you. At least until he can function on his own in society again. Do we have a deal."
"Yes Karen, and thank-you."Henry hesitated, he had one more thing he needed to tell her, but he just wasn't quite sure how to say it. So he just started.
"Look Karen, I need to tell you something important, if Shawn's going to be helping you out there's something I think you really need to know, and I hope that you don't get too mad about it, but Shawn ...well he was never as in tune with the 'spirit world' as he lead you to believe... I guess what I mean to say is that – we'll he's not..." Karen held up her hand to stop Henry before he could launch into the rest of his speech.
"Henry, I know." She stated simply
"You know?" asked Henry, "you mean to tell me that you knew that Shawn wasn't..."
"A psychic? Yes I knew, I didn't get to be the Chief by being so easily fooled Henry. Besides, I remember you bringing Shawn around when he was younger, he was always smart, really observant, I suspect that hasn't changed much."
She silently enjoyed the look of surprise and worry that spread across Henry's features
"But then why did you let him keep working cases for the department?"
"Because even though his methods may be a little unorthodox, your son helps us catch the bad guys. Look, Henry, we both know that your son is smart enough to be a very good cop, but he would never be able conform to the system. But that's also what makes him good at what he does. I recognized the talent when I saw it and I figured that if he was half as good as you were, then actual cop or not he would be an asset to the department."
"Well, I appreciate what you've done for him, Karen. He's still observant, but I just didn't want you to expect the same level of information from him, he's not quite all there anymore."
She smiled back at him, "I know, Henry, and you're welcome. Now, I do have work to finish, if we're done for now, I'll let you get back home and you can bring Shawn back tomorrow.
Henry rose, shook Karen's hand and headed towards the door, stopping just before he left.
"Thank you Karen," he said as he opened the door and went to collect his son.