*awkward finger wave thing* Heyyyy guys... *is immediately massacred by the miniscule amount of people who have put up with my low-quality writing and atrocious updating habits* OW. So, um... heh. Sorry. Like, SO SORRY OMG. I just... well, I guess I lost interest in the fandom over the hiatus and I've just been so dissatisfied with my writing lately that I couldn't bring myself to update or even really to write. And I'm so, so sorry, but hopefully I'll be able to get back into the swing of things now that the show's on again. Even this chapter isn't too fabulous, but I think anyone who's still left'll like the end :)
Review and I swear I'll reply. Also, if you've PMed me and I haven't replied to you - I'M SORRY! I love you all so dearly, and I'm trying to get back on top of things. So... *awkwardly changes the subject* HOW ABOUT THAT SEASON PREMIERE, EH?
Hi, Percy! Guess who it is! It's Tarynn!
And me!
Shut up, Shawn. No one likes you anyway.
I happen to like myself very much, actually. I find I look especially sexy when I brush my teeth.
So, like, never?
Actually, sister dear, the dental hygienist complimented me on being relatively plaque-free only last week.
Let's all just take a moment and ponder why my best friend, who usually is a bit more sensible and un-girly about matters such as these, fell in love with you, of all people.
I'm telling you, it was the teeth brushing face. It never fails.
We're going to ignore Shawn from now on, okay, Percy?
But Percy's my bro! We're-
Percy is too effeminate for bros. Tarynn, I hate you. Shawn, I don't think anyone can look sexy while spitting saliva and foamy toothpaste residue into a bathroom sink, nor have I ever seen you brush your teeth before. So.
Ah, Sleeping Beauty has awoken! And ripped the pen from my hand!
Shawn, stop trying to be flirty. Love, Tarynn.
Dear Tarynn, if I was trying to be flirty, I'd whip out my toothbrush, not a Disney reference. Love, Shawn
Why are you guys even here? Percy, just so you know, it's legit two in the morning right now. And these losers were definitely not here earlier this evening when I made my panicked exodus from the living room, down the darkened hallway to my bedroom, having unwisely watched a truly frightening Criminal Minds episode all by myself. (Dad wasn't invited because he never fails in scoffing at their procedural flaws, nor can be resist quoting Inigo Montoya whenever Jason Gideon makes an appearance.)
Geez, write much, loser?
Shut up, Tarynn. This is MY dia- um. journal. Now answer my question already - why are you here?
Our apartment's water supply got shut off randomly again and Tarynn had to pee really badly, but she refused to man up and just go in the bushes, so then we drove to Wendy's to use the bathroom, but it turns out Wendy is a liar. Only the drive-through is open 24/7, so we couldn't use their bathroom.
I was afraid that a bear was gonna come and get me and I wouldn't be able to run with my pants around my ankles! So then we came here because Shawn also wanted to figure out what shampoo you use because he's a stalk-
That's a lie!
Ahem. Thank you for ripping the pen away, Shawn. Anyway, then I peed and Shawn sniffed all your hair products (you have unhealthy amounts, BTW) and then I crawled under your bed 'cause I was gonna try and scare you, but then we found Percy and decided to invade your privacy instead.
That was Tarynn's idea, too. Just saying.
I have a question. Why aren't we just conversing out-loud like normal people?
Because we don't want to exclude Percy!
Or wake up your extremely attractive father.
Tarynn! He's old! And married!
So? Shawn thinks your mom is pretty!
SHAWN!
Hem. I never said that!
He did. We have in-depth discussions about your bizarrely attractive parents all the time. He's a fangirl.
At least I never asked for an autograph!
I was twelve! My hormones were wacked up!
Tarynn, if I find you snooping around my dad's bedroom door I will shoot you with the gun I found yesterday.
You found a gun? An actual working, bang-bang gun?
Yeppers. Mom must've forgotten it when she left. It was in the box of a really old game of Clue that we had in our closet.
That's ironic.
She has a bizarre sense of humor. Are you guys going to go home now? Please?
You'd think she didn't love us, Shawn!
I don't. Now PUH-LEASE. Go home. And stop taking up pages in my precious Percy. You're over-tiring him! He's delicate!
Fine. Lemme just use the bathroom.
Again?
Shawn! Don't call attention to the frequency of my bathroom breaks! That's private!
It's her time of the month.
IT IS NOT!
...
Dear Percival,
It was at this point in our written conversation late last night that the darling O'Reilly siblings were forcibly escorted off the premises by yours truly.
I was super intimidating. Even Tarynn said so. Shawn said I'd make a good bouncer.
No, Percy, I did not blush. Shut up.
Oh, but seriously, the above conversation... Percy, you're a man. Ish.
What's your opinion? Flirty? Or just me being hormonal?
Anything you'd like to add, Mr. Douglas?
I'm pathetic, aren't I? I'm not even sure whether or not I even want him to like me!
I think that Mom better hurry home and start counseling her daughter on this... schtuff. Because, seriously, if Dad winks suggestively at me one more time-
He did. He literally just winked at me again and told me that if I'm going to be 'making this midnight rendezvous thing a nightly event' I should probably instruct 'Shawny-boy' in the art of quietly flushing the toilet.
Dad purports himself to be some sort of ninja in the arts of 'wooing' (I'm not lying, that was his choice of word) and he said he's more than willing to help me and my 'lad' perfect our own dynamic.
A dynamic consists, apparently, of pet names - "sweetcheeks, for example, is an old classic that never fails to infuriate your mother" - as well as playful banter and favorite forms of displaying affection.
At which point the man asked if I'd prefer to await my mother's imminent return for the infamous 'talk' or if I'd like to just get it over with.
That stain on the left corner of your page? Yeah, that's from when I snorted my cereal milk out my nose.
"Dad," I said finally, "Shawn and I are not dating."
He looked at me for a while. "You should know, I'm a federal agent trained in the art of detecting lies, and am equipped with the inherent DiNozzo knack for 'amore.'"
I tried to explain that, alas, Shawn only loves me for my working plumbing, but Dad would have none of that.
Now he's ranting about the sacrilege of an Irishman marrying an Italian.
Mom. Come home and freaking help me already.
...
ONE DAY MORE!
ANOTHER DAWN, ANOTHER DESTINY!
Sorry. Sometimes the Les Miz feelz just overwhelm me. Anyway, the point is ONLY ONE MORE DAY!
Mah Momma's comin' home!
Like, I'm so excited. I know Dad's really excited, too, even though all he's done is command we go on an emergency cleaning spree to try and convince Mom that we didn't, in fact, do any permanent damage to the house, namely the kitchen appliances.
We haven't yet been able to scrape the breakfast burrito residue off the insides of the microwave, but we're working on it.
...
Wellp.
Today I ate a frozen toaster strudel without putting it in the toaster first.
Yep.
Solid day. Watched a YouTube video of Justin Bieber vomiting. Repeatedly. Watched some Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on television while Dad laughed hysterically and cracked redneck jokes and Mom lamented about society and questioned the logic and meaning of the term 'redneck.'
...Oh, did I forget to mention that part? The part WHERE MY MOM IS HOME?
Yep. She came home yesterday evening, almost exactly twenty-four hours ago.
...No, I did not cry! ...much... Well, it wasn't in public! I mean, unless you consider the airport public. Or the diner where we then went and ate dinner. Or the car.
THEY WERE HAPPY TEARS, OBVIOUSLY, BECAUSE I AM IMMENSELY HAPPY.
Dad was happy, too. He and Mom totally pulled a chick-flick ending and had a very touching embrace at the airport. Which is when I promptly began to sob.
And then I had to avert my eyes and pretend I was inspecting the half-eaten pastry substance under a nearby seat in the waiting room, because obviously this was a very much PG-13 rated chick-flick, if not Restricted.
Tarynn and Sasha wanted me to film it, but I refused. Because no doubt they'd post it on YouTube and with my luck it'd get a million views for being omg so super adorbs and then my parents'd probably end up being interviewed on the Today show or something...
Which would be admittedly awesome, because Matt Lauer, hello.
Dang it. I so should've filmed it.
But anyway the point was it was sickeningly adorable and I cried and today we closeted ourselves away and watched TLC and ate frozen toaster strudels and made banana bread from scratch as a big happy family and Mom has yet to notice the breakfast burrito residue on the innards of the microwave - so, bonus.
Tonight, after another home-made meal of domestic happiness and spaghetti, I am sleeping over at Aunt Abby's.
My parents want some 'alone time.' The skeptical quotation marks are implied, but Dad's eyebrows made their meaning very clear.
He did it on purpose, too, because he just enjoys mentally torturing me by being all suggestive about what exactly 'alone time' involves...
NO, WE ARE NOT FOLLOWING THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT. IN FACT, WE ARE MAKING LIKE HOBOS AND JUMPING OFF THAT TRAIN ENTIRELY AND GOING TO DO SOMETHING MUCH MORE PRODUCTIVE LIKE WATCHING J-BIEBS THROW UP.
Bye.
...
So this is like out of the frying pan and into the fire.
Did you know Auntie Abby and McUncle are romantically involved?
ME NEITHER
UNTIL NOW
Obviously, they're much more discreet that the crude, hormonal teenagers who call themselves my parents, but still. The love is in the air. Like the Disney song. I'd start singing, except the walls of Aunt Abby's apartment are notoriously thin and this way attractive college guy lives next door.
You know. AWKWARD.
On a happier note, there is a pizza man at the door and I have to go profess my love to him. Later, Haters.
So, you know, SORRY. For this and everything else. Please do review, though. Yell at me all you want, I'd like to know people are still reading. And a little reassurance that a lot of this disgustedness is all in my head *crosses fingers* Luffe you all SO MUCH!
~ Styx