Sorry for the wait for the update, but I've been on two vacations in the last couple of weeks. And unfortunatley school is starting back up so... yeah. Anyway, this chapter is BIG. I dont just mean length big, I mean like ALOT happens.

IMPORTANT- its been so long since I last updated that I lost track of the reviews that I responded to and the ones I didnt, so if you reviewed and I didnt personally thank you, then i'm very sorry and I want to say thanks to all you awesome reviewers! I promise I will be better this chapter!

Disclaimer: I dont own Bleach

Happy Reading:)

One minute everything is fine. The next it is indescribable chaos. Life can never be perfect, it never will be, but there is a time when everything inside you and around you is a peace. Then something comes along that ruins that tranquility. And you may never get it back.

The stormy clouds above Rukia did nothing to distract from the horrible panic inside of her. It was suffocating, but she had to push it away. Now was not the time. She was running as fast as she could across campus to the dorm room of a one Toshiro Hitsugaya, praying to every god she could think of that he had not watched the news. Or TV for that matter, her life story was playing on almost every station.

At first she didn't notice it. But then it became very apparent, people were staring at her as she ran past. Whispering about her, pointing even. They had definitely heard and they recognized her. She told herself not to slow down. Not to even think about it. It was not a priority right now, the only thing that mattered was getting to Toshiro's dorm room before someone decided to tell him. She could worry and panic all she wanted later, but right now was neither the time nor place.

It seemed like the journey was taking forever, when it reality it was only a five minute walk, so running it would be even shorter. It felt as if it was taking years. Even after she reached the front doors of the complex, time felt slowed. Once inside the building, she was happy to notice that there was not a single person roaming the halls. She allowed herself to slow to a walk and take deep calming breaths.

Rukia knew she probably looked like she had just been through hell but she couldn't find it in herself to care at the moment. When she arrived at room 119, she paused outside the door. She didn't allow herself to think, because she knew if she got to thinking then she would panic even more, and maybe even chicken out.

With one last deep inhale, she raised a shaking hand and knocked firmly on the hard door. It took a few moments but she heard shuffling from inside the room, and just after that she heard the lock unlatching and the door swung open.

Toshiro looked very surprised to see her, it was obvious he was expecting it to be anyone else on the other side of the door. "Rukia? What are you doing here? Are you alright?" He looked comfortable in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"I-I'm fine, I just... can I come in?" Rukia replied in the bravest voice she could possible muster. She refused to look anywhere but his gorgeous eyes, knowing that she may never get to see them again.

He nodded and stepped aside to let her in, Rukia walked passed him and tried to hold in a few shuddering breaths but found it impossible. "Rukia?" Toshiro closed the door behind him and they were bathed in the soft glow from the only lamp in the room.

This was the first time she had actually taken a good look at his room. He had a roommate -Ichigo to be exact, but luckily for Rukia he wasn't present at the moment. The room was typically small as most dorm rooms were. The walls were white with a few posters on them, on Toshiro's side, there were all about soccer. It was also much more neat and organized on his side, than on Ichigo's.

She turned to look at him, and met his concerned gaze. Looking at him at that moment, she didn't think there was a more handsome man in the world. He may be short in everyone else's standards but to her he was just the right amount of tall. He had the most beautiful tan that she knew she would never be able to achieve. And his eyes.. the most amazing shade of blue.

Before he could really even comprehend what was happening, Rukia all but launched herself at him. Suddenly they were kissing, much more passionately than they ever had before. Rukia shyly reached her tongue out, begging for entrance into his mouth. Toshiro was shocked but gladly met her tongue with his own. Rukia's mouth moved instinctively against his, her hands found his hair, and his her waist.

They pull apart for a few seconds to catch their breath, and Rukia clearly sees desire lit in his eyes. He saw the same, and something else as well that he couldn't really name. In the next second, his body is pressing hers against the wall and his lips are on her soft ones again. Rukia could feel his muscles rippling against her as he moved. That paired with his experienced lips brought a soft moan out from the very depths of her. She blushed at the sound hardly believing that she had made it.

Toshiro on the other hand was turned on more than ever by her sounds, he pressed her harder against the wall, and his lips made their way down the column of her pale neck. More treacherous sounds poured out of her mouth. Rukia wasn't really sure what she was doing, but she wanted to feel him more, so she drug her hands up under his loose shirt and traced her way around his chest and abs. He let out a masculine groan which showed he greatly approved of her wandering fingers.

He then reached down and placed a warm hand on her butt and lightly squeezed. While it felt surprisingly good to be fondled in such a way, it brought her out of her lust filled mind, and back to reality. She was here for a reason, not to heatedly make out with him, but to tell him the truth.

She just wanted a few more minutes of peace, of happiness with Toshiro. So she took them.

She responded eagerly, wanting to get as much as she could before he was gone from her life. She knew it was a dumb thought, but she wanted to give him a little pleasure before telling him something that will make him hate her.

With that thought in mind, she pushed him off of her and on to the bed -which was only a step away. Before he could really comprehend what was going on, Rukia straddled his hips and kissed him strongly. He groaned again, his hands once more found her butt, he used that to pull her even closer.

But as she settled in closer, she felt his... excitement against her inner thigh and her blush grew about ten shades. Suddenly she leaned back, and he looked at her strangely, then smiled with warmth in his eyes, "Sorry Rukia, I got a little carried away."

She stood off his lap and turned away from him. When she turned back to see him, she had tears in her eyes. His playful gaze turned into concern in three seconds flat. Speaking much softer this time, he said, "Rukia, whats going on?" Rukia looked into his eyes once more and felt the surge of panic, he was going to hate her.

Rukia had known she had strong feelings for him, but until this moment she didn't realize the true intensity of her feelings. She could never name them, she just knew they were there. The feeling spread through her when he gave her those smiles that were reserved only for her. It radiated from the tip of her toes to the top of her head and it warmed her. She could never really put a name to it it was just always there. But now when she was about to loose it all, the word hit her like a tuck. Love. She was in love with him. Rukia was in love with Toshiro.

She loved him and he was going to hate her.

Rukia could feel the panic attack coming on and apparently so could Toshiro. "Rukia, please tell me whats wrong!" It came out more as a demand then a question. He had long since jumped off the bed, and his hands were now placed on both cheeks. She had tear tracks, so he sweetly wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs.

"Do y-you remember how it always seemed like I was hiding a big secret?" Rukia reminded herself that she had to be strong, that she had to get her story out if there was any chance to save their relationship. So she stopped crying.

"Of course, I think about it all the time." Toshiro said slowly as if not understanding where she was going, until realization lit in his eyes, "But, Rukia I understand if you don't want to tell me whatever it is, I care enough for you to know that you will tell me when your ready."

Upon hearing this Rukia stepped away from him, "I don't have a choice," she mentally applauded herself for not stuttering on her words.

His eyes widened, "okay," Toshiro sat down on his bed and worriedly watched her pace back and forth across the room.

Rukia took one last long look at him and a nice deep breath before beginning her story.

Here it goes. "I'm sick," Rukia said so quietly she had almost hoped that he didn't hear her.

For a second he didn't say anything, "like... like cancer?" Toshiro looked so frantically worried that it broke her heart into a million little pieces. His lips were squeezed tightly shut together and she could swear he looked almost scared.

"Not t-that kind of sick," Rukia was now looking towards the floor, once again hoping he didn't hear her.

"What do you mean?" the worry was still present on his face, but the fear was gone, it was placed with a sort of curiosity.

"I'm..." she didn't know if she could do this anymore. She had never once told anyone about her disorders before. They had always just known. "I um..." Rukia swiped her hands down her face trying to pull herself together.

"I have..." she couldn't do this.

But then she was reminded of all the things the news reporter said, and that if she didn't tell him, then he would get a less than truthful version filled with assumptions.

Rukia sat on the bed next to him, but without looking at him, Toshiro didn't try to rush her, he knew that whatever she was about to tell him, it was big and he could wait a few more seconds. But, that didn't kill his urge to comfort her. He placed his larger hand on top of her much smaller one.

When she noticed the action, she looked up at him with guilt clearly written on her face. "I should start from the beginning, I'm a Kuchiki," Rukia turned so that she was no longer looking at him, but not before seeing the look of shock on his beautiful face.

"When I was about nine, I started to... see things. Not normal things, I was very afraid, my older brother Byakuya took care of me, my father didn't like what was happening to me. He thought I was... crazy. My father pulled me out of school and I was locked in my room when he had company over." Toshiro tightened his grip on her hand, she still wasn't looking at him.

"One night, it was really bad. I hurt Byakuya on accident. We were both sent to the hospital, and the doctors told me what was wrong with me." Rukia gently reclaimed her hand from Toshiro not wanting to feel him rip it away in disgust when he heard the truth.

"I have schizophrenia."

Rukia said hesitantly and quietly. She knew she had to be brave, to be strong.

He said nothing, Rukia finally turned to look at him from the corner of her eye, she couldn't really interpret the expression he had on his face. She adverted her eyes, not wanting to see the hatred when she told him the rest.

Now that she had the majority of the story out, she felt lighter in a sense. Like she wasn't being held down by secrets anymore.

"There's more," Rukia said in a tense voice knowing this next part was worse to tell, it made her seem like she really was crazy, "because of what I did, I was... put away." Rukia stole another shuttering breath, not wanting to elaborate. "I was in Karakura Mental Hospital from when I was ten, up until about a few months ago."

Rukia heard him shift beside her, but she was to afraid to look at him, she pressed her fingertips into her palms very tightly in an act of anxiety. What she was about to say, she had never really spoken about except with her therapist, but she had to tell him. It was in the news report.

"Two years a-ago I was very lonely and depressed. I didn't have any friends, Byakuya was the only person to ever visit me. I... I... I tried to kill myself."

Rukia heard him take a quick intake of air, and felt him shift, but she didn't dare to look, she would breakdown in tears if she looked at him. She felt the urge already in the corner of her eyes, she tried with everything in her to push them away. "After that, they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder too."

Rukia stood from the bed, having finished her story. She kept her back towards him seeing as she could no longer control the tears streaming down her face.

"I'm so sorry, I should have told you from the beginning, but you have to understand, it's not something I just tell people. You are very important to me, but I am not so naive to think that you still want to be with me after knowing what you now know about me."

She turned to look at his face, for it could be one of the last times. She met his gaze, it had been locked on her. His eyes were a steely blue, he didn't seem to be angry, she couldn't put a word to his emotion. His jaw was also clenched tight.

But he sill didn't say a single thing.

Rukia swiftly walked to the door and opened it but looked back before walking out. She couldn't leave without telling him. Even if her heart was pounding in her chest so hard, and she wanted nothing more than to sob like a baby at the inexplicable pain she was feeling, she had to tell him.

"Toshiro... you probably want nothing more to do with me, but I have to tell you. Even though we have only been together for a few months, I think I've fallen in love with you."

Rukia quickly closed the door behind her, missing the widened eye look he sent her way.

She stood outside his door for a few moments, trying to pull herself together. It wouldn't do any good to breakdown here, right outside his door, for anyone to see as they walked by.

She tried to move fast, but couldn't, her legs just would not obey her commands, they were like metal. Like she was trying to run through water. Her entire walk home she cried her eyes out, not being able to find the will to care about everyone's stares and whispers.

The worst part was that Toshiro hadn't said anything, Rukia knew it would have tore her apart with his dismissal of her, but this not knowing was much worse.

The walk home seemed miles less than the walk to his apartment, but it was now sunset. Normally she would stop to look at the beautiful scenery, however she could care less at that moment. We liked to watch sunsets together. A sob tore through her throat at the thought. The rest of the journey home was a blur.

Upon reaching the high end apartment building, she froze on the spot. There were news reporters everywhere outside the front doors. They were from every single news station she knew of, and even one entertainment show.

This could not be happening. She was already having one of the worst days of her life, and now this? Rukia stepped behind a nearby bush hoping that even if they looked her way, they wouldn't see her.

She glanced towards the reporters once more, they were milling around talking to each other, waiting for her. They were the predator, and she the prey.

Rukia didn't know what to do, it was a lose-lose situation. Either she could go out and try to get passed them, which inevitably would not work. Or, she could just stand behind the tree until they left, but that wouldn't work, because she wanted nothing more than to curl up in her bed and cry her eyes out.

Luckily, she didn't have to make a choice, because the next time she poked her head out from behind the branches, she noticed a women standing at a side door that she hadn't noticed before. If Rukia was fast enough, she could get to the door that the women was holding open before the reporters noticed.

Rukia moved before she could even contemplate what to do next, halfway there the women noticed her coming her way and seemed to recognize her, because she held open the door further, and closed it behind the two of them as soon as Rukia had passed through the threshold.

Relief filled Rukia for a few moments before everything that had happened in the day set back in. She faced the unknown women and noted her strange appearance. She had choppy, short, black hair that had two symmetrical braided stands much longer down her back. She was only about a head taller than Rukia and had a scowl on her face, she looked tough.

Rukia barely had the emotional will power left to give a fake smile, it was obvious she was just bawling her eyes out. She had red puffy eyes and semi-dried tear tracks on each cheek. "Thank you for doing that, I really appreciate it," Rukia said softly.

"Don't worry about it, it's my job," she said cryptically, and gave her own fake smile to match Rukia's.

Not wanting to have a pointless conversation, Rukia continued on her way to her room. Climbing the steps that she had rushed down in her rush earlier that day. It would take her awhile to climb the stairs all the way to their penthouse apartment, but she didn't care. She welcomed the pain in her calfs, and mental scoffed at herself for such a thought. Masochist.

Halfway up the building, Rukia started crying again unexpectedly. The heaviness of the day was pressing down on her, she didn't think it could get worse even if she wanted it to.

In her rush to get out to speak with Toshiro (just thinking his name made her upset), Rukia didn't bother to grab a key. It wasn't really on her mind, but now as she stood outside the door, she didn't really want to deal with her brother or Hisana if she knocked on the door.

However, it was unavoidable, so with a heavy sigh Rukia knocked on the door, so lightly that it was almost impossible that anyone had heard it. She was still crying, but at that point she didn't care who saw her.

Even with her light tap on the door, Hisana still heard it because she soon answered, with a smile on her face, but when she saw the mess on the other side of the door, it instantly faded. "Rukia, where have you been? I was so worried when you stormed out of here," Rukia didn't respond because Hisana's concerned voice would undo the carefully placed wall hiding her emotions.

Rukia walked passed her, gave her a small yet fake smile, and continued on towards her room, "your brother will be here soon with take-out for dinner." Food was the last thing on her mind at the moment. Rukia closed the door behind her, and much like earlier that day, she collapsed right there on the floor.

Rukia felt almost incapable of any more tears, she had cried so much in the last twenty four hours that it just shouldn't be possible. Her life was unraveling at the very seems and the only thing she could do about it was cry, and it would be soon that she wouldn't even be able to do that.

It may sound a little pathetic, but Toshiro had not only been possibly the love of her life, but he was also one of her first real friends. And losing that made her feel like her heart was ripped out of her chest, and put through a meat grinder.

He understood her, he treated her with respect and love. He trusted her enough to not ask questions about her mysterious past and present. He had the most beautiful smile that made her smile just looking at him. She loved the amazing warm feeling that went throughout her when he was giving one hundred percent of his attention to no one but her.

He was perfect, and she was never ever going to find someone half as good as he is.

Why didn't he say anything? She thought, it was not only a comfort but it was torture. There was the slight possibility that he wasn't completely disgusted with her, however she knew not to indulge in such thoughts, he most likely hated her.

Rukia faintly heard the front door open and close, and her brother and Hisana exchange greetings and then silence, in which Rukia knew they were kissing. Not minutes after Byakuya walked in, a loud knock was heard on the door.

A moment later Rukia heard a familiar voice speak, "do you now understand why I've done all that I have?" It was unmistakable, while he was no longer a major part of her life, she grew up with him. It was her father.

Rukia pulled her knees into her chest and hugged herself. Please no more. She didn't want to hear what he had to say, but she couldn't pull herself from her position on the floor it was impossible, Rukia had no strength.

"I don't want to hear this," Byakuya responded, sounding very angry. "Because I will never be able to understand."

"Byakuya I beg you, do not let her ruin your future with scandal after scandal. I tolerated it when she was invisible but now I can't. Do you not see what your doing? You will never be able to reach your full potential with her holding you down!"

"I can't believe what I'm hearing, all you care about is business, you should be worried about her, not loosing a little of the billions you have." Byakuya says, he was obviously trying to remain calm.

"Worried? The only thing I'm worried about is you. Byakuya I don't know why you feel so obligated to take care of her, that's what the hospital was for. She's almost an adult and can't take care of herself." Soujun was all but screaming now, trying to get Byakuya to listen.

Rukia felt a sharp pain go through her at her fathers harsh however true words. Rukia would be lying if she said she had never felt more helpless, her whole life she had been helpless. Always needing someone to take care of her, always being a burden to everyone around her. Byakuya's very positive and successful future was completely altered by her very life, Rukia took a shuttering breath trying and not succeeding to remain calm.

"Take care of her? That hospital did nothing to take care of her. She tried to commit suicide in there, would that have made you happy, if she had succeeded?" Byakuya asked much more softly than he had been earlier. Rukia still heard him, and held her breath waiting for her fathers answer.

It took a while for him to respond, "I sometimes wish she would have because then she wouldn't be ruining your future and making a mess of the Kuchiki name."

"I can't believe you just said that," Byakuya said very angry. "Rukia is sick, it's not her fault."

"Stop saying that Byakuya! She is not 'sick', she's a nutcase!"

"Get out, and don't come back here!" Byakuya yelled back.

Neither men knew that on the other side of the door, Rukia was breaking down into a million pieces. She couldn't breath, couldn't think, and couldn't function. There was no longer up and down or left and right, it was all one big blur. One big mess. It was all too much.

She felt everything in the world was pressing her down and she couldn't escape, she was going to be suffocated. She wanted nothing more in that moment for the over whelming pain to go away.

It started out with her life story being aired on national television. Everyone and their mother would now know every one of her deepest and darkest secrets that she had held her whole life. She was no longer Rukia, she was now Rukia Kuchiki the girl who was put away in an insane asylum for six years. She would get stares and whispers where ever she went for the rest of her life, reporters would follow her.

Second, it was Toshiro Hitsugaya. The most wonderful thing that had ever happened to her was now gone. He would never look at her the same, he probably wanted out of her mess of a life for good. She was forced to tell him everything, she didn't get to do it her way. She still loved him with every fiber in her being and she would never get be with him again.

Then it was Byakuya. Her father was right, she was destroying him. She wasn't to stupid to know that she needed to be taken care of, she would never be truly independent. Her brother Byakuya was burdened with the task of being her babysitter for an indefinite amount of time when he wanted and needed to get on with his life. She would be pulling him down forever.

Lastly, it was her father. He absolutely hated her. He wanted her dead, or to disappear. He used to love her like a father should, but then when she became sick he wanted nothing to do with her. He made her feel worthless, how could anyone want her when her own father didn't?

Rukia felt so disgusted with herself, she felt dirty and worthless. But most of all, she felt trapped. Everything was weighing down, pushing in around her, squeezing so tight that she almost couldn't breath. She wanted to escape, but there was no way out. No more comfort of Toshiro, no more solace in peace. She couldn't stand the pain.

In her haze filled, irrational mind, Rukia could only think of one possible escape route.

She quickly stood and struggled to keep balance before rushing into the bathroom and shutting the door behind herself. Rukia's eyes scanned the room, not really fully processing. Once her gaze set on her razor, she swiftly grabbed it, threw it to the floor and stomped on it with the bottom of her hard shoe. The crunch of breaking plastic echoed throughout the small tiled room. While bending down to pick up a individual tiny blade, Rukia almost collapsed on the floor from the sheer numbness the pain brought on.

Stumbling into the shower, she plopped down on the floor, still fully clothed and examined her forearms. Not wanting to waste any more time, she mentally selected a spot, and pressed the blade down and slide it across about an inch and a half, effectively cutting herself. The effects were instantaneous.

The intense throbbing pain was more than enough to distract from a completely different kind of pain. The anxiety and tension seemed to flow out of her. Rukia looked down to the cut and was almost mesmerized by the amount of blood pouring out. She gathered the blade in the other hand and did the same on the opposite arm. This time the cut was about two inches long. She let out a hiss, she went a little too deep but it was nothing to worry about in her mind. The blood had eventually built up enough to be running down the drain at the bottom of the shower. Rukia was transfixed at the sight, and the pain. It was a complete distraction from earlier in the day.

In that moment, she was so out of it that she probably wouldn't be able to put together a proper sentence.

X

X

X

The slam of the front door made the other doors in the apartment vibrate. Soujun Kuchiki had just been kicked out of his own sons house. But that was completely okay to Byakuya, it didn't bother him one bit.

Byakuya sat down at the armchair in the living room and contemplated what had just happened. He was so angry that that man had the nerve to speak about Rukia in such terms. He spoke as if he didn't mind if she lived or died. Byakuya wished that his mother could see what a monster her husband was becoming.

"Byakuya, do you think he really meant that?" The man in question glanced at his fiancee and thought about what she was asking.

"I hope not," he said in almost a whisper. Hisana moved to sit next to him, but Byakuya instead pulled her on top of his lap. She huffed in amusement at his actions but said nothing more, and gratefully cuddled against him.

"Byakuya, she has such a hard life for a teenager. She has put up with so much, I know I wouldn't be able to handle it." Hisana said sadly, but in an afterthought added to it, "I really hope she didn't hear you two arguing."

Byakuya pulled his face away from her body, and raised an eyebrow at her statement, "she's here?"

"Oh yeah, I didn't think to tell you. She got back just before you did, she looked horrible. Like... like she just couldn't take anymore. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me, and locked herself in her room. I feel so bad for her." Hisana pulled herself from his lap because he had suddenly gone tense.

'I wouldn't be able to handle it'

'she looked like she just couldn't take anymore'

Hisana was surprised when Byakuya suddenly sprung up and rushed to Rukia's bedroom door.

He knew something was wrong, he just knew it. Byakuya's heart was pounding when he tried the door handle. Locked. He took a step back and reevaluated, all while ignoring Hisana's frequent questions. "Rukia open the door right now." No response.

Am I worrying to much? Over-reacting? Byakuya thought to himself, of course not, its Rukia.

With that thought in mind, Byakuya backed up and slammed his foot against the door, right next to the handle. It gave way immediately, the bottom two hinges completely breaking but the door hung by the top.

"Byakuya! What in the world are you doing?" Came Hisana's surprised voice, but once again Byakuya ignored her.

He recognized the emotion running throughout him as extreme worry and panic, Rukia was not in her room. He quickly moved over to the bathroom, and tried the handle. It was unlocked. When he pushed it open just a little, there was no objection from the other side.

He had no idea what he was going to find, Byakuya knew he was very afraid. It was not an emotion he was used to feeling. The only other time he had ever felt this much fear was when his mother was on the edge of life and death.

Taking a very deep breath and exhaling, Byakuya pulled himself together and pushed his way inside the room.

Stepping his way into the small room, he gaze landed in the bathtub, and he felt himself go completely cold.

This chapter was hard to write, I was never happy. I ended up writing about 3 versions of the last section and this is the one I went with. Hopefully you liked it!

Don't hate Toshiro just yet, I still have a lot planned! :)

I'm very excited for this next chapter, even though I already have it all maped out, i'm interested to know what you guys think will happen, so review and tell me!

REVIEW:)

as always- thanks for reading!