I don't know what people are gonna think of this. It may disappoint.

Morbid Humour

Chapter Eleven: Vicious Tension

Sasuke and Itachi stopped about five metres away from each other. A staring contest ensued between the two of them before Itachi finally broke the silence. "Sasuke… it's been a while since I've seen your face. I wonder if you're any stronger compared to when I last saw you."

Sasuke's temper flared and the Sharingan was activated. "I'll bet you want to know. I put myself through three years of hell just to become like you so that I could kill you."

"You did, huh? What a waste of effort. You're still nothing like me, little brother."

"To me that's better than being exactly like you. Just as long as I can beat you I don't care who I am!"

"That's reckless, Sasuke!" Itachi snapped. "You've just set yourself of a path of meaningless self-destruction. I heavily overestimated you. You are a moron and a murderer, what an unfortunate circumstance. This isn't the way you were supposed to beat me."

"No? Good. I don't want to be like you Itachi because you are the person who made me like this! Imagine what would have happened to everyone I care about if I became like you, especially Naruto."

"Your friends are too loyal to leave you."

Sasuke threw two shuriken at him. "That's a lie! You know it is!"

Itachi pulled out a kunai and caught both shuriken on the point. "The real statement should be…" Itachi said from directly behind Sasuke, leaving the shadow clone where it stood, "You know that that's the truth."

He stabbed Sasuke in the back. The clone melted away into brown goo. Itachi jumped out of the way as three snakes shot out of the ground. Sasuke came after them. They snapped at Itachi. His shadow clone passed him the kunai and disappeared. Itachi cut the snakes' heads off. The bodies returned to Sasuke's arm. Itachi watched Sasuke pull himself out of the ground. He ducked just as Sasuke's chakra sword grazed his shoulder. Sasuke smirked.

"Maybe Orochimaru did do you some good," Itachi grudgingly admit. He started to undo his coat. "But… you're still not ready to defeat me. I'm going to have to prove it to you again now. How much time and energy do you want to waste while your friend is in danger?"

"I don't have friends and if I did they would be able to look after themselves." Sasuke madly stabbed at Itachi's body. He missed but put several holes in the coat. Itachi jumped and landed on Sasuke's chakra sword, channelling chakra through his feet into the sword. The collision of chakra broke the sword and it dispelled.

"And what if they couldn't? What would you do, Sasuke?" Itachi asked as he twirled Sasuke's katana in his hand. Sasuke gasped and his hand automatically went to grasp his katana. It really wasn't there. "What if they were all alone and helpless and you were the only person who could save their life?"

"I would deem them unfit to be my friend and let them die," Sasuke growled, "because my friend wouldn't find himself in a helpless predicament, even if he was alone." Sasuke ducked and sidestepped away from Itachi's swipe with the sword. Itachi's foot swung under Sasuke's heel and tripped him. The katana came back to cut Sasuke in half. Sasuke arched his back and reached for the ground. His feet followed him to the flip. His katana nicked his calf and his heels, peeling off the top layer of skin. It stung and bled profusely.

Before he could get up, Itachi stood on his hands to stop him from going anywhere. Sasuke flipped his feet up to kick his brother in the face. Itachi wedged the katana so far into the sole of Sasuke's shoe that it cut the sole of his foot. He grabbed the other foot. He twisted until he heard the joint start to crack. Sasuke hissed in pain. Itachi tutted and shook his head. "Foolish little brother…"

Itachi got off Sasuke's hands and swung him by the twisted foot. Sasuke's head hit the ground. He tried to get up but his head was swimming and his vision was blurry. Itachi kicked him over and stamped on his chest. He picked his little brother up by the neck and punched him the face. He bashed Sasuke mercilessly and didn't stop soon. Eventually, though, he threw the younger sibling to the ground and prepared to slice him with the katana. Sasuke stared at the blade glinting in the sunlight in awe.

"This must be what it feels like to know you're going to die and simply not care… the way Naruto did."

He closed his eyes and waited for the slash. He felt it coming but he didn't feel it hit. He heard a skid as someone slid over the ground and a hiss of pain. He opened his eyes and saw a slightly-less-than-familiar outfit and pink hair. He never thought he'd ever be happier to see Sakura in his life. She took a defensive stance over him; the katana was stuck in the back of her hand.

"Sasuke…" she whispered to him, "go now. Don't worry; I've got it under control here."

"Better do what she says, little brother," Itachi added. "Or Naruto won't live to see his baby born."

Sakura whipped out a kunai and slashed at Itachi's wrist. He moved just in time to avoid a dangerous wound. She nodded to Sasuke, who got up and ran towards Konoha.

Sakura turned back to Itachi. Hana slid in under her and kicked him in the chest. He flipped and landed on his feet but was caught in Haru's arms. He turned to the blond behind him. The Akimiya smirked and put his palms together. "My Bloodline Limit allows me to infuse any material with my chakra and fire it at an opponent, un. You're at point blank range, un."

Itachi smirked back. Haru frowned, figuring that something was up. He let go and pushed away from him. Itachi's body exploded. Haru dropped to the ground as fast as he could and put his arms over his head. When it was safe he lifted his head again and looked around.

"Damn it! Where did he go, un!"

"Up, duh!" Hana yelled.

Haru looked up and had to shield his eyes at the silhouette in the sun. Hana saved him with another powerful kick. Itachi landed a few metres away and skidded on the ground. He spared a glance to his left arm where the kick had hit. The muscles had been torn by that blow and the chakra flow to the rest of his arm was blocked. Haru did ten hand seals and held his palms out in front of him.

"Katon: Kiniroi Houka no jutsu!"

A barrage of golden bullets flew out of the mouths on his hands. Itachi didn't think. He did the seals for his family technique. "Katon: Gokakyu no jutsu." The great fireball from the technique swallowed the bullets.

Itachi chuckled. "You remind be of Deidara more and more, Akimiya-kun. What kind of technique is that?"

"I make exploding fireworks by taking gunpowder and infusing it with my chakra, un. It's very pretty when you're not on the receiving end, un."

While Haru talked, Hana prepared for a ninjutsu technique. "Doton: Retsudotensho!"

The ground beneath Itachi crumbled. He jumped before the ground could swallow him. Haru grinned, now that he had his enemy right where he wanted him. He gathered lots of gunpowder in his mouth and did three hand seals: dragon, horse, dragon. "Katon: Hanabi Ryou." He placed the heels of his hands together and pointed them up to the sky. Fire rose from them in a giant red and purple column that formed a dragon. It soared towards Itachi and blew massive flames at him. Itachi was completely engulfed in flames but a burning log is what fell to the ground.

"Damn it," Sakura thought. "Those two are such a perfect team that they didn't even need to bring me along… but Tsunade-shishou needed me."

"Haruno-san," Itachi said, appearing behind Sakura with a poof. "Would you mind?"

Sakura nodded. Haru and Hana turned to her, seeing Itachi and growled. "Guys, that's enough," Sakura declared. "Don't fight with Itachi-san anymore."

"What? But he's your enemy, duh!" Hana exclaimed.

"Look, there's an explanation for this… but we need to hurry up or Deidara is going to get ahead of us. He's the one you want, right?"

Hana and Haru exchanged confused glances but agreed anyway.

Tsubaki found the cave Naruto had told her about almost buried under a pile of rocks. She pushed out an opening big enough for herself and a large scroll to fit through and entered – The scroll was right where Naruto said it would be, untouched by time. She grabbed it and got out as fast as she could. Once outside with the scroll she was met by what she could only describe as a shark man wearing a black coat with red clouds on it. On his back was a huge sword wrapped in cloth strips.

"Woman, I would advise you to give me the scroll willingly. Then maybe I'll let you live." He grinned evilly.

Tsubaki took Naruto's advice and turned tail. She ran along the rock face but he was faster than her. He blocked her path and raised his sword to cut her down. Tsubaki whipped out a flower from her pocket and waved it in his face, spraying the poisonous pollen into his eyes. He cried out in pain and gave her an opening to run up the rock face and out onto the top of Yondaime's stone head. The village was a long way down from up there. Kisame flickered behind her. She heard him groaning and turned to face him. His face was drying out and his eyes were red. He couldn't be anything less than pissed off. Tsubaki knew she was cornered again unless she took another drastic action.

She jumped off Yondaime's head.

Kisame cursed. "That woman is committing suicide…?"

Tsubaki felt the rush of the wind as descended and the ground quickly came to meet her. Even if she was a ninja there was no way she would be able to survive this jump safely. She was suddenly scooped out of the air and onto the back of a giant clay bird. Deidara turned to her. Naruto lay behind them wrapped in the bird's tail. "Heh, lucky you didn't fall, un. Then the scroll would have been damaged, yeah."

"Tsubaki, the tower!"

Tsubaki looked over the bird's wings at the roof of the Hokage Tower and jumped off without a second thought.

"Aw, shit, un."

Tsubaki touched the roof lightly and dashed inside to the Hokage's office. The guards at the door regarded her with bemusement when she burst in but they figured she had very important business if she was carrying a scroll like that. Tsunade looked up from her paperwork and Shizune kept a careful eye over. Tsubaki placed the scroll on the Hokage's desk. Tsunade eyed the scroll warily, wondering what it might mean.

"Tsubaki-san, is there something the matter?"

"Hokage-sama," she panted. "Naruto sent me with this scroll… these two men in black coats with red clouds are trying to get this scroll and they kidnapped him."

Tsunade rose from her chair and glanced at Shizune. Shizune nodded and picked up the scroll. The Hokage marched out of her office looking strict, an expression she didn't usually wear. She barked orders at the chuunin in the offices and the guards at the door and quickly assembled an ANBU team to accompany her.

Deidara sighed and pulled Naruto's hair. "This is all your fault, yeah. This mission would have been smooth sailing but the number one hyperactive idiot ninja of Konoha just had to ruin it, un." Naruto made a throaty noise as he tried to hold back a scream of pain. "Hey, what's going on, un? In pain? That'll teach you to screw with us, un."

"I'm not… hurting…" Naruto gasped. He clenched his teeth as this contraction continued.

At lightning speed another ninja appeared on the scene and sliced off one of the bird's wings. Deidara grabbed Naruto and jumped off just in the nick of time. Naruto glanced over to his saviour. He was bruised and bleeding but he seemed to be still going strong and when he looked up his Sharingan flashed.

Uchiha Sasuke was here and he was pissed off.

Akai had searched everywhere for Naruto as soon as he realized that the blond hadn't come back. He followed the tracks in the sandy soil and came across a fenced square of land. In the middle of the almost swampy grassed area was an apple tree. Akai walked up to it, his feet sinking in the mud. The first tracks he noticed were Naruto's bare feet walking up to and around the tree and two small pairs of footprints in front of the tree that didn't seem to come from or go anywhere. Then there were another set of footprints that were much larger than Naruto's and the other pairs. They too didn't seem to originate from anyplace.

Akai was confused by the puzzle of the footprints but he did find that Naruto's footprints didn't walk back out. He flickered back to Gaara's office.

Sasuke's chakra sword disappeared.

Deidara simply laughed. "Look who decided to play, un!"

"I'm not here to play."

Another Sasuke just appeared out of nowhere and lunged for Deidara. He pushed Deidara and pulled Naruto out of his grasp. Deidara landed on the roof of the next house. He grinned and lowered his head and started to make hand seals. Sasuke didn't know what was happening at first, Deidara was mumbling, but he heard the first word; "Doton…"

The roof beneath Sasuke's feet started to rise and swallow him but he kept his grip on Naruto. It swelled to his chest before the other Sasuke charged forward and kicked Deidara in the head. Deidara plummeted to the ground but landed squarely on his feet. He looked up and saw Sasuke with his chakra sword ready to slice. The Akatsuki member dodged just in time and the chakra sword was wedged in the ground. At the sensation of another presence, Sasuke turned around and rolled out of the way just as Samehada shaved the air he had once occupied. Sasuke glared at Kisame.

"Hm, you look like you ran into Itachi," Kisame joked.

Sasuke jumped out of the way as Samehada was swung at him again. He gasped as his leg was almost shaved off when Kisame swung the sword back at him. There were now huge slashes up his entire leg. Kisame was more able with his weapon than Sasuke initially thought. His leg was numbing with the chakra now gone and Samehada was moving underneath the bandages. It sounded like it was munching—Sasuke knew it was eating his chakra. It would be a while before the proper distribution of his chakra to his leg would return. Kisame was laughing at him. Sasuke's blood began to boil over. His Sharingan began to change. At first it was painful but the pain wore off in mere seconds. He looked up at Kisame with spinning wheels of Mangekyo Sharingan. Kisame jumped out of the way and Deidara did the same.

"I'm going to kill you now!" Sasuke growled.

"I don't think so, not yet," Kisame said. "You don't know how to use that power like Itachi does."

Deidara pulled his hands out of his pouches and spat thin birds with two pairs of wings at him. Sasuke moved out of their way easily but they turned around and flew back to him.

"Futon: Daitoppa!" Sasuke's wind technique forced the explosive birds to blow up immediately. He looked up and just as he'd thought, there was another bomb coming for him: the bird he'd shot down earlier.

"I equip every clay creation with some explosive power, un," Deidara explained. "It's infused with some of my Earth chakra, un, so it'll detonate when it hits its target only. I like to call it my B-1 chakra, yeah. It's not as potent as the Fire element chakra explosives but it's still artistically destructive, un."

"How many chakra elements do you have?" Sasuke exclaimed.

"Just two… and they compliment each other very nicely, un."

Sasuke stabbed it with a sword of chakra and jumped. The bird started to flame at the wings tail and face. The clay disintegrated with the fire. Sasuke did an aerial sweep and flung the bird into the sky. It burnt itself off and exploded in midair. He landed back on the ground on his good foot but stumbled. He fell to his knees, panting. He tried but he was unable to get up right away. His body was losing energy and chakra very quickly. "Damn, how could Itachi make short work of me and then expect me to come and save Naruto? As much as I still want to fight, I haven't got the stamina. My body's too weak."

"Oh, is that it?" Kisame said, unimpressed. He approached Sasuke. Sasuke could feel the shadow over him but he couldn't get up. "I thought the brother of my favourite partner would be more of a challenge than that. But I guess there's no point in letting this go on if you're just going to disappoint me even further." Kisame raised his sword. "Get ready to die, Uchiha Sasuke."

Sasuke's head snapped up. "Tsukiyomi!"

Kisame gasped. All of a sudden he found himself in an inverted world where he was tied to a post, burning. The people of Konoha stood around him laughing and jeering and behind him Deidara was also laughing but his body was skewered with sharp things from every angle. With every laugh or exhale blood was coughed up but he still looked like he was enjoying watching Kisame burn. He turned to face the front and saw Sasuke with a maniacal expression and a glint in his eye. He held a sword with many curves and a very pointed tip. "Welcome to a world controlled by my imagination," Sasuke hissed. "Seventy-two hours of your living hell begin now!"

Sasuke stabbed Kisame in the stomach and twisted his sword.

In the real world, Deidara saw Kisame fall to his knees in pain after merely one second. He jumped into action and focused his chakra. Sasuke wasn't prepared for the large spider to come out of the ground so suddenly. He used the replacement technique to swap himself with his shadow clone before the spider exploded. When the bomb did detonate it didn't make an extremely large explosion but several homes around it were flattened. Sasuke put his head against Naruto's and sighed with relief… but now he was stuck. Deidara appeared on the roof and walked up to him, pulling a kunai out of his equipment pouch.

"It's just a little bit of a pity that you couldn't hold out for much longer… only a little bit, un."

Deidara's kunai was blocked by another and thrown from his hand. Sasuke stared wide-eyed at the red-haired stranger standing before him. He took off his white lab coat and tossed it aside. "So… you're from the infamous Akatsuki that I've heard so much about. I'm afraid I can't really say I'm very pleased to meet you."

"You look like Sasori no danna, un. Any relation?"

"Unfortunately, yes," the redhead replied. "But I'm Akai and I have nothing in common with that guy." He poised his kunai to fight. "As long as I'm working under Kazekage-sama no friend of his will be in harm's way."

"How cute, un."

Deidara launched a kick at Akai. Akai blocked it with his kunai. Deidara lifted off Akai's weapon and threw his kunai and another. Akai dodged both kunai and put his arms up to shield himself from the kunai in the shadow. He moved his arms out of his line of vision and noticed the clay bird coming towards him. Akai pulled the kunai out of his arm and threw it at the bird. It got stuck in the head and the bird exploded. Through the smoke another two birds suddenly appeared. They ran into Akai and detonated. Sasuke gasped and shut his eyes. The hot flames and debris hit him and burnt his skin. He was almost sick to his stomach at the thought that those bits and pieces were of a person. But when he opened his eyes he saw that a wooden chair had been swapped for Akai's body. Akai stood two roofs away. He threw two perfectly aimed senbon at Deidara. Deidara easily caught them as he landed a roof away. But he wasn't prepared for the second Akai behind him. He turned just as Akai spat a needle at him. It missed the targeted area and hit Deidara in the back of the left hand. The mouth on that hand began to gag and cough. The blood vessels started to turn purple, giving Deidara's skin a purple tinge.

"What'd you do, un?"

"That's one of my best poisons. It latches onto your red blood cells as quickly as it possibly can and travels back to your heart. It'll only take a few more seconds before all of the poison on the end of that needle had entered your blood stream and then it won't be long until you die."

"Damn it… just as I was getting used to having this arm back, un…"

A clay worm from Deidara's right hand mouth wrapped around his shoulder and blew his arm off. The arm wasn't the only thing that hit the roof. Kisame's sword slammed into the tiles. He was considerably weakened by Sasuke's attack but he was still able to get up. "Where's that Uchiha bastard? I'll kill him."

Before he was even able to spot Sasuke, Hana appeared out of the blue and kicked him firmly in the back. Haru jumped in with her and they both faced Deidara. Sasuke thought his brain was about to go into a state of shock or mental overload until he heard a whizzing sound beneath him. There were tiny fireworks at the base of the prison of fused roof tiles. They exploded harmlessly and weakened the binding enough for Sasuke to free himself and Naruto. Akai noticed him suddenly moving and jumped to their side.

"I'll leave the Akatsuki to you, Iwa ninja," he declared, putting an arm around Naruto and Sasuke. "Do whatever you want with them." He turned and left towards Konoha Hospital.

"No you don't, un!"

Deidara was about to go after them but had to dodge a flaming tiger made of fireworks. It skidded to a halt and turned back. On Haru's command the tiger jumped at Deidara and exploded with beautiful lights and colours that looked superb in the setting sun. Deidara growled but he noticed Kisame getting up and stumbling towards the ninja.

"This is getting really annoying, un!"

"This is going to end it, un!" Haru declared. From the mouths on his palms several little blue dragonflies shot out with long, glowing tails and targeted Deidara like homing rockets. Deidara seemed to be dancing as he dodged the dragonflies, even sending out the occasional bird to keep them away but it wasn't as effective as Deidara would have liked. Even if they were small those burning dragonflies were scalding. However, Haru was only able to focus on Deidara and controlling his dragonflies, so he didn't see Kisame approach from behind him and get ready to murder him. It was a mystery that Hana stood back when her partner was in danger but what was even more mysterious was the sudden disturbance in the air that made Deidara and Kisame freeze. It was still and cold. No bird called, the wind didn't blow and all fighters froze on the spot.

Finally Deidara and Kisame took off, not even bothering to finish off their fight.

Given that Itachi does die in the series, I think this old story is going to end up being rather cliche and boring. Also, I fear that the ending of this chapter was a bit too anitclimatic but I promise it gets expanded on in the next chapter. Even though I find myself slowly drifting away from Naruto fandom to explore new avenues in anime, this story had been completed so don't worry about not seeing the end of it. Just don't expect to see a sequel.