Chapter 11: Giving Up

Because of his injured arm, Newkirk took watch in the Infirmary while the others filled in the tunnel. He talked to Wilson first to see how things were going.

Wilson informed Newkirk of the signs he should be looking for. "When either one of them wake up, make sure they drink plenty of water. Metzger said especially Colonel Hogan. If he refuses, tell him Metzger will force fluids in him one way or the other."

"Right, Wilson." Newkirk sat on the stool between Hogan and Christopher. He stared at both men wondering went wrong.

HH HH HH

"NO!" Hogan yelled in his sleep.

"It's awight gov'nor. Nothin' to fear, 'cause Newkirk's 'ere."

"Newkirk?" Hogan mumbled.

"Yea, gov. Just rest. I won't let anyone bother you or Christopher." Newkirk patted Hogan's arm reassuringly.

"Christopher? Christopher!" Hogan's eyes flew open as he sat up. A sharp pain in his shoulder caused him to lie back down in a pant.

"Don't worry gov. Christopher is okay. He is right here," Newkirk said, pointing to Christopher.

Hogan glanced at Christopher. He watched Christopher's chest slowly rise and fall with every breath. Hogan smiled and relaxed. Praise God. He's alive.

"Anythin' I can get you?" asked Newkirk. "Glass of water perhaps."

"You know what I would really like, Newkirk?" Hogan asked.

Newkirk leaned closer to Hogan. "What?"

"For you to stop babying me. I can take care of myself." Hogan slowly sat up.

"Metzger said if you don't drink plenty of fluids, he will come back here and force them in you," Newkirk said.

"He didn't. He wouldn't." Hogan looked disgusted and lay back down. "He would. Fine, get me a glass of water."

"Right O." Newkirk was back in a flash with a glass of water. Hogan drank the water eagerly. He was thirstier then he realized. "Gov'nor, can I ask you a question?"

Hogan nodded. "Shoot. First…" Hogan held out his empty glass for Newkirk to refill.

From the sink Newkirk asked, "Do you mind telling me what happened out there?"

Hogan waited for Newkirk to return. He accepted the fresh glass of water. After taking a long drink, he answered, "Ambush."

"Ambush!" Newkirk exclaimed, almost falling off the stool.

"Apparently, Wright knew about the pick up plan when I suspected Christopher as the traitor. He told his buddies in the SS about the rendezvous. Wright's contact was in the plane waiting for us. Wright was the first one killed. I was fighting off a bunch of SS when Christopher went down." Hogan got quiet as he remembered the sight of Christopher falling to the ground.

"How many were there?" Newkirk asked.

"About a dozen or so. Didn't have time to count." Hogan answered, replaying the scene in his head.

Newkirk was shocked. "You were surrounded by a dozen of the SS! 'Ow did you manage to get out of there alive?"

Hogan stared at Newkirk. "Prayer and faith in God."

"Faith? Prayer? You're sounding like Christopher here. How can you put so much trust and faith in someone who keeps having bad things happen to you?" Newkirk asked "You have been tortured, shot and broken by the Gestapo. I've never heard you rely on God for anything before. What happened to 'lady luck was on our side' or 'the Krauts are not that bright'? Why the change?"

Hogan thought a moment how to best answer Newkirk "No, I wasn't religious. I knew there was something or someone looking out for our operation though. I realized the other day, if I didn't have faith, things would be much worse. Without faith, there is no hope. Without hope, there would be no reason to keep fighting. I know now, no matter what happens, God is still in control and has a reason for everything. Not luck or fate. God, plain and simple."

Hogan watched Newkirk pace and run his hands through his hair.

Newkirk stopped pacing and glared at Hogan. "If he is such a great God, how can he let bad things happen to the innocent?"

Hogan shook his head. "I don't have all the answers Peter. You will have to ask Him yourself. Only He can answer that question." Hogan watched Newkirk pace and wondered what had gotten him so distraught. "Peter, is there something you want to talk about?"

"Yes. No. I don't know." Newkirk paused. "Klink has Barracks 2 confined and all privileges revoked until further notice."

"I'll talk to him as soon as I can." Hogan was the master of hiding true feelings. He knew there was more bothering Newkirk than being confined. "Anything else?"

Hogan watched Newkirk stair at the floor. Hogan patiently waited for Newkirk to sat what was really on his mind.

After a few minutes of silence, Newkirk spoke up. "No, that's not all. How could you not confide in us? In me? I know you are the gov'nor and all, but I thought we were mates. Or do your birds prevent being mates with enlisted?"

The comment hurt Hogan more than his physical wounds did. "No, they don't. If they did, I would get rid of them in heartbeat. Friendship is more important than rank. I was under orders…."

"Orders my eye." Newkirk said interrupting Hogan.

Hogan expected his men to be upset. He knew some would view it as a lack of trust. He never imagined anyone would question his friendship. A CO is not supposed to be close with those in his command. It could cause problems if the CO has to order them on a mission, which could cost them their lives

There was no way to run this type of operation without getting close to the men who you trusted with your life. Knowing a person well enough to place your life in his hands creates a bond. A bond, which is not easily broken. Not to say the strength of the bond will not be tested at times.

This was one of those times. Hogan knew Newkirk well enough to know if he didn't vent his anger, it would build up, eventually hurting the operation and their friendship. He always wanted his men to be open with him. "Don't stop, Peter. Finish saying what you want to say."

"I can't, Sir," Newkirk glared at Hogan.

"You have permission to speak freely," Hogan urged. He then waited for the volcano to erupt. He didn't have to wait long.

"You could have trusted us to keep quiet. We wouldn't let London know you were disobeying orders. You needed help with this mission. Haven't you told us not to be afraid to ask for help?" Hogan nodded, but remained silent. "You almost condemned an innocent man of treason. That would have haunted him for the rest of his life. If he survived…We could have helped you avoid making a mistake," Newkirk said bluntly.

Hogan knew losinghis temper with Newkirk would not help the situation. As calmly as he could he said, "I will not apologize for not including you. I cannot pick and choose which orders I want to follow. I know all of you would have kept quiet, but what kind of example would I be? I hold myself to the same standards I hold all of you to. I don't expect you to pick and choose which orders to follow and nor will I. Besides, I couldn't take the chance tipping off the real traitor."

Both men had a good point. Newkirk's words caused Hogan to reexamine his ability to lead his command. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths. The scripture he had read earlier came to his mind.

Newkirk was the first to break the silence. "I am sorry, Sir. I shouldn't have said those things. You are right. We cannot pick and choose which orders we want to follow. I am one to talk." Newkirk let out a small laugh at the irony. "I have no right being angry at you."

"No, you don't, but I accept your apology." Hogan said dryly.

Newkirk glanced at Hogan with a smile. "Thanks, Sir. You know, if the SS hadn't killed Wright, I would have. How could he sell us out like that? What was his price? What did they promise him or do to him to cause him to betray his country."

Hogan shook his head sadly. "I don't know, Peter. Brainwashing can be powerful."

Newkirk nodded in agreement. "Why didn't the SS storm in here, and bust all of us as spies?"

"Kuntz, Wright's contact, figured it was more profitable to let us continue operating. He wanted to get as many underground members as he could," Hogan answered.

"I take it we don't have to worry about him showing on our doorstep?" asked Newkirk. Hogan shook his head. "What if he told someone?"

"I doubt it. He struck me as someone who was power hungry and wanted all the glory for himself." Hogan got comfortable. "I am tired." Yawn. "We can talk more later if you want."

"Rest gov'nor." Newkirk took Hogan's empty glass to the sink. In a quiet voice, "We'll talk later, mate."

Hogan closed his eyes. Lord, you have proven yourself to me. I want you to lead these men and me. Tell me what I am supposed to do.

HH HH HH

The next day, Kinch was wandering in the tunnels, when he heard someone in the radio room. Cautiously he made his way there. When he turned the corner, he saw Hogan sitting at the radio. "Colonel, what are you doing out of bed?"

Hogan didn't turn around to answer. "Please leave me alone. This is something I want to do in private."

Do in private? Kinch cocked his head and looked at his CO questioningly. Did the snafu of this mission cause the Colonel to doubt himself even more? "You mind telling me what?"

Hogan sat silent for a moment. In a quiet voice he said, "You will find out later."

Kinch walked over to Hogan and sat down on a stool next to him. No gun, that's a good thing. "Colonel, I realize you and Klink are the only officers in camp. I know when you have a problem and need to talk, you are not going to go to him." Kinch made sure he had Hogan's complete attention before he continued. "I want you to know, unlike some people in Germany who think you are a superman, I know you are human with hurts and feelings. You have been through a lot and I want you to know, I am here for you...as your friend."

Hogan shook his head. "I'm fine. As my friend, please do as I ask. Go upstairs and let me do what I need to do in private. Please."

"Permission to speak freely and as your friend, Sir?" Kinch asked with some hesitation. He was dancing on thin ice. He and Hogan were friends, but Hogan was still his CO and a very private person. He didn't want to over step his bounds by talking to Hogan as a friend without his permission.

"Very well, say what is on your mind," Hogan said as he gestured for Kinch to continue.

Kinch took a deep breath and let it come out. "Colonel, you are not fine. You have been shot, beaten, tortured and broken at the hands of the Gestapo. You have to give up your freedoms so others might be free. I don't see anything qualifying you as fine. Normal soldiers get a furlough. Because of what we do, we don't get that luxury. After a while, it takes it toll on all of us."

Hogan gave a laugh. "You know, Newkirk said almost the same thing to me."

"Maybe it is really God trying to tell you something." Kinch paused to see if he was getting through to him. Hogan just sat, silently staring at the radio. "Everyone can see, since your encounter with Koch, you are different. Who wouldn't be? After watching you on this last mission, I noticed you doing something I have never seen you do before."

Hogan glanced at Kinch. "What?"

"You have been second-guessing yourself. I have seen and heard you plan many missions. Not once have you ever second-guessed yourself. No matter how bizarre it was. You always listened to what your gut told you. That helped make the missions a success. I want you to forget about how this last mission went. I want you to think back to when you first got the call from London. I want you to go through your list of suspects. Which one did you have the strongest feeling about?"

Hogan lowered his head. "Wright."

Kinch grabbed Hogan gently by the arms and forced him to meet his eyes. When he did, Kinch continued. "Koch has been able to get you to second-guess yourself and plant self doubt. He has caused you to lose your faith in yourself and us. Because of this, it could cause the operation to close."

In a voice so quiet, Kinch had to strain his ears to hear him. Hogan said, "Not if there is someone else running it." He stared back up at Kinch. "I came down here to resign. I am going to ask London to send someone else to lead the operation. I cannot lead these men safely on a mission any more. Look what happened with this one. There are too many lives at stake for me to make mistakes."

"Colonel, your gut instinct is still there trying to talk to you. You guessed Wright before you did your investigating. You just need to learn to listen to it again. I have faith, you can be the great Papa Bear again."

Hogan shook his head. "I don't know. I prayed about it. At first I thought this is what God wanted me to do. Now I am not sure."

Kinch put his hand on Hogan's shoulder and stared into his eyes. He wanted to make sure Hogan heard every word he was saying. "Along with God talking to us, so is Satan. It isn't my place to tell you what to do. All I can do is offer advice. Listen to your gut. It seems, that is the way God speaks to you. If your gut is telling you to resign, do it."

Hogan smiled. "Ivan, what would I ever do without you?"

Kinch returned the smile. "Hope we never have to find out."

Hogan laughed. "I'll second that."

"Kinch, it is almost time for roll call," LeBeau yelled down

"Be up in a minute. Colonel, I think you need to get back in bed before you suffer Wilson's wrath."

Hogan shook his head. "Ya know, he is amazing. The only NCO I know of who is not scared of a court martial. Well besides you."

Kinch stood and headed to the ladder. Before he turned the corner, he said, "Get some rest, Colonel. Someone will be by later to check on you."

Hogan stood at attention and gave Kinch a proper military salute. "Yes, Sir."

Kinch laughed and returned the salute. Hogan limped down the tunnel leading to the Infirmary, while Kinch went into the barracks.

Newkirk noticed Kinch smiling. "Everythin' awight, mate?"

Kinch nodded. "It is now."