Sorry that took a while, I'm so busy! This is dedicated to Maia, who requested... dun dun dun... Valduggery! Merry Christmas everyone! BTW, did you know that the story part of this chapter is exactly 999 words?

What's This Thing Called Valduggery?

In which Skulduggery Pleasant steals a necklace

Skulduggery paused when he saw it sitting on his table. "Valkyrie. What the hell is this?"

Valkyrie looked at him. "What do you mean, what the hell is this? It's a computer, everyone knows what that is."

"Yes, all right, but why is it sitting there?"

"It's your Christmas present!"

"Why would you get me a computer for Christmas?"

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "Because you don't have one."

"Yeah, but I don't need one."

"Yes, you do. Everyone needs one."

"That's ridiculous."

"It is, but you still need one."

Skulduggery sighed.

"Have you gotten me a present yet?" Valkyrie asked.

"Um."

"Oh, no. Not again."

"Look, I didn't know what to get you! You're eighteen! Eighteen-year-olds are hard to buy presents for!"

"Oh, really."

"Yeah, really."

Valkyrie groaned. "You know what? I'm leaving. When you have a present for me, then we can talk."

And with that, she promptly left his house, leaving him looking at his computer.

He was quite pleased with himself—he had managed to learn how to surf the internet on a computer instead of his phone.

"What should I google now?" he wondered out loud. Of course, if you have a planet-sized ego, there's only one answer to that question. Google yourself.

Skulduggery typed in his name, and he noticed the word 'fanfiction' next to it.

He tilted his head. "Fanfiction? What's fanfiction? And what's this thing called Valduggery?"

Shrugging, he clicked on it, and found himself reading Valduggery. He read a chapter, and then stopped. Paused.

"What's wrong with people?" he muttered under his breath. "I couldn't fall in love with her if I tried."

He kept reading, though, just for fun. And after a little while, he found himself enjoying the story. The writer was right—Valkyrie was very gorgeous, and what if they actually made a good couple?

Skulduggery quickly shut the computer down. "I don't love Valkyrie! And we'd make a terrible couple!"

But he couldn't help thinking about the story. It made a relationship between him and Valkyrie seem so easy. So possible. He'd never considered that she'd have any feelings for him, but now... why not? Plenty of reasons why not. Skulduggery decided to clear his mind by taking a walk.

He walked past a few shops, still thinking about Valkyrie. His phone buzzed, and he quickly answered. "Hello?"

"It's Valkyrie."

Skulduggery suddenly felt lighter. Her voice was so beautiful, so melodious... wait. No. NO.

Valkyrie sounded irritated. "Are you going to answer or not?"

"Oh. Yeah, sorry. Um, what do you want?"

"I wanted to know, have you bought me a present yet?"

"No, but..."

"Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to eat dinner, but since you haven't bought me anything..."

"Dinner? Yeah, I'm all right with dinner, but um... are you sure?"

"Skulduggery, what the hell is wrong with you right now? Did you hear anything I said after the word 'dinner'?"

"Oh. Sorry. No."

"I'm not going to eat dinner with you because you have. Not. Bought. Me. A. Christmas. Present." She promptly hung up.

Skulduggery straightened up and put his phone away. He was not going to get all worried over this. He had control over his mind, and he was going to stop thinking about Valkyrie and do something else.

Five minutes later he was peering intently at his phone, reading more Valduggery fanfiction and laughing at live chickens running on burnt carpets. (This is a reference to a fanfic. If you can guess which story and which chapter correctly, I will love you forever.)

He was so busy reading and daydreaming that walked straight into a pole.

"What happened?" he asked, looking around, and that's when he saw it.

It sparkled like the sun on the water, it was as blue as the sea, and it was almost as beautiful as Valkyrie. It was a sapphire necklace, and it was PERFECT.

He walked in the store and asked somebody how much it was. The answer made him almost drop his phone.

"The sparrow flies south for winter," he said to nobody in particular, and then he hit the person and grabbed the necklace. He dialed Valkyrie's number as he flew away as fast as he could.

"Val? I have a present for you. Do you want to have dinner?"

"Sure. Let's have Chinese."

Skulduggery hung up and grinned. Valkyrie had wanted to go to the Chinese restaurant in town since the first time she'd seen it.

He arrived at the restaurant and sat down, playing with the necklace and hiding it whenever somebody walked by. Finally, Valkyrie arrived.

She was absolutely gorgeous, even though she was just wearing the same coat as always with black jeans. She smiled when she saw him and he felt butterflies in his non-existent stomach.

She plopped down in her seat. "What did you get me?"

He took a deep breath and showed her the necklace.

"You didn't wrap it."

He stared at her, trying to see some kind of sign that she was joking, and then she laughed and hugged him.

"It's gorgeous! It's perfect! I can't believe you would get that! I just...thank you!"

He smiled and hugged her back. "It's all right. I love you."

She pulled back. "Wait, what?"

"Um. I love you. So, what's on the menu?"

She grabbed his skull and turned it back towards her, and then she tapped his facade and kissed him.

He moaned into her mouth, and she broke off the kiss and grinned at him.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she said. "I've been waiting for a year now!"

He laughed and pulled out his phone. "Check out this thing," he said. "It's called Valduggery, I think you'll like it."

A little fluffy, and maybe it moved too fast, but MEH. Merry Christmas everyone!

Next up: MORE VALDUGGERY!