Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers (2007) or Transformers: Generation 1.

The following songs were used in this chapter:

I Hate This Part by Pussycat Dolls

Headstrong by Trapt

The Beauty & The Tragedy by Trading Yesterday

Just A Little Girl by Trading Yesterday

Warning: Mentions LBGTQIA (Lesbian, Bi, Gay, Trans, Questioning, Intersexual, Asexual), ProwlxJazz (They will be bonded, the Cybertronian version of married, in this fanfiction), some language, and conflicting morals...in the entire story.

To avoid confusion, Ratchet got back to base when Lillian was sleeping.

:Music:

"Flashback."

~0~

I took a deep breath and walked up to Blaster at the energon dispenser. I Hate This Part by Pussycat Dolls played on my ipod. Please understand the message, I thought as I stared up at Blaster. I was twitching and I could feel the autobots in the room staring at me, but I had to focus. Blaster had to understand the message. He had to. When the song ended Blaster didn't say anything. His eyes trailed to me once or twice during it but he never responded. Forget the lack of music...Blaster not talking is never a good thing.

"Blaster," I said as loud as I could when he turned away. My voice was shaky and sounded like it could break at any moment. "I hate fighting. Can't we talk? Please." Blaster kept his back turned to me. "Blaster," I whispered as tears clogged my vision.

He didn't even turn to look at me as he played Headstrong by Trapt in response. He was throwing my own words and our history right back at me in that song. My body was limp and numb again. My mind was frozen. Tears spilled over as Blaster began to leave the room. The song he played back at me rang through my ears as I attempted to follow him. I tripped over my own feet as I tried to chase him. Lennox grabbed me as I fell. "Lillian. Come with me."

"No," I cried. I can't go through this again. I can't! I can't loose another lifeline! "No. No..." I fell to the ground as tears streammed down my cheeks. I sobbed uncontrollably as I ground my teeth together. I wrapped my arms around myself. "Come back," I whispered. I tried moving again. I can reach him. I can! I couldn't. Lennox held me in place on the ground. We were both on our knees. I went too far. I shouldn't have snapped at him in the first place. That week with Prowl did wonders for releasing my emotions, but as far as controlling them once released...No. That's no excuse. I still should have just kept my mouth shut. Just because I don't want to be Blaster's socket doesn't mean I don't want him in my life. It doesn't mean that I don't want to see and talk to him sometimes. Is that too much to ask for? It might be...If you break someone's heart, is it really fair to think that a 'tolerable ally' relationship is possible?

What am I saying? I'm miss broken heart. Fifteen years ago...ringing any bells? Remember that time when you locked yourself in your room and played a 'nice girl' role just to avoid the inevitable possibility of the world exploding all at once? Did you want anything to do with her once that happened? Hell to the no.

If ya don' stop beatin' yerself up 'bout this, Ah'm callin' in backup. Ah'll give ya a hint. Think of a fluffy wrench that meows and moves like a snake.

I looked up at Jazz sadly and stared at the image before me in disbelief. I watched as several of the objects that Jazz just described slithered around the rec room floor. The wrenches morphed into actual snakes before slithering up my body, infecting it with venom as they went. One snake took out both eyes with its fangs before the pain spread across my body as if it was trying to combust. I realized before I blacked out that my eyes didn't hurt from the fangs gouging them out. It was from the blood coming from the empty sockets.

~0~

I was filled with a sense of urgency when I awoke. I stumbled to my feet and left the room only to walk straight into Sonya. My eyes brightened. "Sonya, where's Blaster? I-"

The slap echoed across the base. It rang in my head like the tremors from a gong. The jolt of it sent me spirling through a flashback.

Sonya slapped me for the third time that week. No matter how many times she did it, no matter how numb I was, the physical abuse still managed to get through to me. "Your an emotionless sociopath!"

"I am not a sociopath," I responded with a slight bite to it. One of us had to be strong, and if it wasn't going to be her-

Sonya's eyes widened. "Y-you killed him!"

"How can you-?" How can you say that? Your not the only one who cared about him!

"Shut up! You know absolutely nothing about anything! You're a kid!"

My eyes glazed over as the 'kid' comment stabbed my heart. "Your projecting your emotions instead of dealing with them."

Sonya stared at me through her black bangs. "Get out."

My eyes widened slightly. "W-what?"

"I will not have a homosexual in my house! Leave!"

Leave.

Leave.

Leave.

That one word played on repeat for several days after the initial fight. I had to choose between cooperating with gay cure therapy or living on my own. She gave me one day to decide. What I really needed was another year, but that was too much to ask for. The same goes for Blaster. I knew he was upset. I knew Sonya and I had a shaky relationship. Having someone slap you is either a real wake up call...or it makes you retreat even further. Considering my flashback, it wasn't hard to guess which direction I was going in.

"Leave Blaster alone," Sonya said threatenly. "Your hurting him."

I'm hurting him? Whose the one who just slapped me? "Fine," I answered monotonously. "I get the message." Loud and clear.

She nodded before turning around and walking over to Epps. Epps glanced at me as I spaced out again.

"I'm sorry."

Sonya stood crying at the door. "It's not true! It's not true!"

Denile is pointless, I thought as I burned holes into her back. The sooner you accept the facts, the sooner you move on.

Sonya circled around before clinging to me and sobbing. I stared right over her shoulder at the man at the door. He tipped his hat at my emotionless face. I nodded before he sealed my fate by closing the door behind him.

I stood up straight and did a one eighty. There was someone I needed to see, and it couldn't wait.

~0~

"Ratchet, we need to talk."

"I'm a little busy at the moment, Lillian."

"I'm sorry, but-"

I froze when I saw Sonya sitting on the medbay berth. She waved with a smile. "Hey Lil. What's up?"

What's up with the personality switch? "Nothing much. I-" Sonya giggled. "What?"

"You always say nothing."

"Yes..."

"Nothing is something," she sang.

"Right...I'll just wait at the door..."

That was weird. Now I think I know how Prowl feels when he has to deal with human insanity. Hell, if I was an alien robot and heard the random things some humans come up with, I'd glitch too.

I was about to greet Sonya when she came out the med bay only to freeze when she didn't have a friendly expression like before. I watched as she passed me without a glance, completely giving me the cold shoulder. I ran to Ratchet, literally freaking out now.

"I know about the patient confidentiality agreement, but was it really necessary to keep it from me that Sonya has brain damage?"

"She didn't want you to know."

"Not that that's not a surprise, but should you really keep this a secret from her commander's?"

"Her team has been notified, as have the autobots."

Nice Jazz. I'm not even sure it would be worth the trip just to throw a wrench at you. This is getting ridiculous. "Ratchet, she shouldn't be working."

"Who gave you the authority to decide that? Are you a medic? Are you studying to be one?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then don't tell me how to do my job."

I looked at First Aid, who was staring at me with kind optics. I breathed out a shaky sigh. "Your right. I'm sorry. I just..." Not now, I thought as tears threatened. I placed my hand over my forehead so Ratchet couldn't see them. "Ratchet," I whispered. "She's the only human family member that I have."

"I'm sure you have plenty other of living relatives you can talk to."

"You don't get it," I whispered harshly as the silent tears started to fall. "My other family members haven't even tried to contact me. They talked to her, but not me, even though they knew full well who I was and where I was." The tears dried up, but my throat was still constricting. First Aid clicked friendly at me in Cybertronian as he knelt down. I patted the digit that traced my cheek. "Fine," I whispered to him as I looked into his optics. "I'll come back later."

"Lillian." I looked up at Ratchet. His back was still to me. "As a medic you learn that you can't save everyone. I'm sorry, but your aunt is just not one that I can save."

"I trust you did everything you could," I said sincerely. "Your a good medic, Ratchet. I don't doubt that."

I traced First Aid's digit before looking into his eyes. "Take care of him," I whispered.

He nodded before standing and going to Ratchet's side. I saw Ratchet tense as First Aid put his hands on Ratchet's shoulders. I left quickly.

~0~

I was huddled under a conditioning unit on the rooftop of the autobot base. I was plugged into my ipod and set the songs on shuffle. There really was no point of having the thing with me other than comfort.

:For I am finding out that love will kill and save me

Taking the dreams that made me up

And tearing them away

But the same love will take this heart that's barely beating

And fill it with hope beyond the stars

Only love:

Why is this always the case? I thought as I looked up at the sky. I always retreat back to myself after opening up. Is it natural at this point? I twitched a smile as my heart constricted and tears fell. At least I can cry now. That's a plus. I could sob now if I wasn't distinctly aware of the others below me. Below me...Is that it? Subconsciousness? Well, its not as if I have shared everything with the autobots...Prowl was right. I call the autobots my friends but I barely know them and vise versa. Is it because of the past? Did it affect me that much? Am I afraid of starting serious relationships now? No...That's not it. I don't know how to keep a relationship going. I'm afraid of opening up and yet enjoy having people that I would like to get to know better ask me questions. I don't care if it takes hours or days, I will listen and answer. But that goes both ways. I won't interrogate someone without a reason. How will a person know that I like them if I don't do things that make them aware...at least have some hint...that I want a deeper relationship? Is that really that difficult for me? But I was fine with Prowl and I trust Jazz, so...I placed my head in my hands. What is this? I don't know this. I haven't felt this. Is it really sexual attraction that allows for deeper connections? 'You shouldn't have to compromise.' I want love. I do. But I don't want to intrude on people's lives. I don't want to push the boundaries.

Boundaries? What boundaries? How can you know if you've crossed the boundaries if you haven't asked them? You can't form an opinion of someone unless you hear it from their own mouth...

:You never cared to hear the other side

So why would you care to keep this thing alive?

You paint me into the memory of all your pain

But I will not be drawn into the past again:

I assumed that she knew. I didn't ask. I blurted it out to her while we were talking when no one was around. She hugged me, held me, and told me it was okay. She said that didn't matter. She was the first person who accepted my asexuality. The first one who knew. She was the first to get to know a piece of me behind the mask. I let her see behind the mask. I tried somewhat...I just didn't try hard enough. She did most of the communication. She tried. I don't know what made her buy the medication. The problem was...when we were growing up, there was no name for it. There was just heterosexuals and homosexuals. That's it. That's all there was. Asexuality was thought to be impossible. It still is.

I stared at the stars for a while. My tears were dried again, but my heart still constricted. Did I not explain it well enough? Was that her way of wanting to help me? I didn't talk much then. I talked much more than I used to. I began to open up...Maybe her giving me the medication...was her way of saying...that she wanted to deepen the relationship? I placed my hands over my heart and kneeled over. She didn't run away from the relationship. When she last told me that we would 'get through this together', I didn't say anything to her. I ran away. Tears fell on the sidewalk. I didn't care what I looked like to other people or what she said to me...All I knew was that I had to run and so I locked myself in my room. I didn't say anything to Sonya. I feined sleep until I calmed down enough to sleep. I was running from pain. I was trying to outrun pain. All I've felt for sixteen years is pain. I had forgotten how to release the pain until recently. I bent over until my hair was covering the sides of my face. I forced myself to sob at first. To make some noise. The tears followed at their own will. I was blind, but I could feel.