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Blossomed Flower

Dear Diary,

I've never used the term before when writing in my journal, but I guess you could say it's appropriate? I mean, since the occasion that is the topic of this entry is probably the most average one a girl my age would write about. I have a date. It's my very first one and with a really good friend of mine. I'm really nervous though, because it won't be hanging out like we usually do. I'm not too sure if I like KC more then a friend. I guess this date will give me my answer. Is it bad to be thinking about Eli at the moment? I'm not sure on these type of things but I don't think it's good to be thinking about a boy when I'm going on a date with another one. Truth is, I don't want to think about Eli. I want to be over him. It's for the best and will save more pain for me down the road. But I can't stop thinking about him. I'll just have to push him out of my mind when KC arrives. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Sincerely, Clare.

I closed my journal and placed in my drawer when a knock was heard on my door. My mom entered, a smile set promptly on her face that made my heart tug. Mom hasn't smiled like this in a long time and it saddens me that things were becoming this bad.

"You look pretty," she complimented, referring to my blue dress with matching cardigan. I thought it would be a nice outfit for my date with KC. "May I brush your hair?"

I nodded, taking a seat in front of my vanity, and mom stood behind me with my brush in her hand. She started to brush softly through my hair and it made me remember when she would brush my - and Darcy's - hair when we were younger.

"I miss this," I said quietly. "Things have been… different lately."

"Are you referring to me and your father?" she said jokingly but there was a tinge of nervousness in her voice.

"Everything. Darcy's gone and you and dad haven't been the same - wait!" I looked at her through the mirror. "You always say dad. Why didn't you say dad?"

She paused brushing my hair and had a pained look on her face.

"We just haven't been on the same terms recently," she said with a forced smile.

"Mom, what's going on?" I asked, saddened by her mood shift. "What's happening to you and dad?"

"Nothing, nothing," she shook her head dismissively before returning to brush my hair. "I'll tell you if anything bad happens, okay?"

"Alright," I nodded in understanding but still felt a little upset.

"So, are you excited for your date with KC?" she smiled. "From what you told me, he's a nice boy."

"I guess I'm a little excited," I shrugged. "I'm more nervous, honestly."

"As you should be," she said firmly. "I remember my first date was a complete train wreck."

"Really?" I asked, smiling in surprise.

"Mhmm," she pulled my hair up into a pony tail. "His name was Hubert Finn and we were really good friends. He asked me out and I said yes. He took me to this restaurant that was really popular when I was a teenager and everything went chaotic. From food order being messed up to how awkward it was to make conversation…."

I suddenly grew worried that would happen to KC and I. We were really good friends and I could see it being awkward for us and… oh goodness I'm scared.

"So what happened?"

"Thankfully, we were able to keep our friendship but the truth was - I didn't like Hubert that way," she placed the brush on my dresser before taking a seat on my bed.

"You didn't," I said, taking a spot next to her.

"No," she shook her head. "I actually had a huge crush on a boy two years older than myself - William Border. He was one handsome fellow."

My heart raced at the familiarity of my mom's story.

"Did you ever tell him how you felt?"

Something changed in her eyes; from heart-felt to sorrowful. She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and gave me a sad smile.

"No, I didn't. But you know something, Clare? I regret not telling him. Sure, it was a silly crush that probably wouldn't have went anywhere, but at least I would've known. You understand?"

"I do actually," I said heavily.

"I want you to be able to take risks, Clare. It will be worth it in the end," she said softly.

I gave her a hug when the door bell rung. We exchanged excited smiles before walking down the stairs to see KC at the door, a small flower in his hands.

"Thank you," I blushed, taking the flower from him before giving it to my mom.

"You look very nice," he said with a smile before gesturing his arm for me to take. "You ready to go?"

I kissed my mom goodbye and looped my arm through his.

"Yes," I smiled. "I'm ready."

.

.

Going out with KC was not really what I expected.

After having that talk with my mom, I literally suspected it would go as terrible as hers. However, it was the exact opposite. He took us out to eat at a diner, which I enjoyed fairly much. During the course of our meal, we talked effortlessly and had laughs as we usually did when we would go to the Dot. He took us to a movie afterwards and he let me choose the movie. I thought since we were on a date, I suggested a romantic comedy. We laughed through out the whole movie and just had a great time with each other's company.

But there was something missing entirely in this whole scenario.

My feelings.

I didn't feel those butterfly feelings as it's described by many young girls; I didn't cuddle into him during the movie because it felt like I was watching with a friend; and I didn't have the urge to kiss him right then and now. Was it supposed to be like this? I didn't know, but maybe kissing him would cause the spectacular feeling one always describes during their first date? I guess I'll find out.

"So what did you think of tonight?" KC asked, with a smile but sounded nervous.

"I really liked it," I reassured happily as we went up the steps to my front porch. "I guess this is where I stop."

We both laughed and the air suddenly turned thick. He stood in front of me with his hands set firmly in front of him, with a straight posture. I looked at my shoes nervously and twiddled with my ring, waiting for him to do something. He stepped towards me and I looked up, his eyes staring deeply into mine. He started to lower his head down to mine and he closed his eyes. My heart started to pound and my stomach twisted violently. I closed my eyes and waited but my thoughts were circling with determination.

Did I really want my first kiss to be like this? Its supposed to be based on how I feel about him, right? And I didn't like him that way…

"Wait!" I raised my hands to guard myself and KC backed away quickly. I took in a deep breath and felt my heart slow down. "I'm sorry, KC. But I can't kiss you."

I felt terrible to do it, but I couldn't help how I feel. I hoped I didn't hurt his feelings too much, because that was the last thing I wanted. I couldn't read his expression as he scratched the back of his neck and seemed deep in thought.

"Honestly, I can't tell you how relieved I am," he admitted, blowing out a breath. I stood there shocked by his words and he quickly looked regretful. "No, no, you're a sweet and amazing girl, Clare. But I just don't have "those" feelings for you. You know what I'm saying?"

My eyes widened and I still felt shocked by his honesty that I couldn't help but let out a laugh. He looked dumbfounded as I did so but the situation was just too funny not to laugh about.

"I'm sorry," I wheezed. "But that is exactly how I feel! Throughout the whole date, all I could get was the-"

"-Friend vibe," he said knowingly with an amused smile. "Yeah, me too. The truth is, I thought I did like you. I really did. But I couldn't help but think about… someone else."

I was in shock once again and flabbergasted at the blush creeping on his face.

"You like someone else?" I asked, a smile tugging on my lips.

"I did," he said quickly, his voice sounding sour. "And I thought she really liked me, but things just don't work out that way."

He looked upset and in pain and reminded me of the same expression he had that day we studied at the Dot together for the first time. When we saw Eli and… Jenna.

"Jenna," I snapped and narrowed my eyes. "You like Jenna, don't you?"

"We dated," he said quietly. "Then she dumped me and went for the next best thing."

"Eli," I said mindlessly.

"Yeah," he gritted. "But I want you to know - I never used you, I actually like you as a friend and you'll make a guy really happy one day."

I latched my arms around him in comfort for his pain and sweetness towards me. He hugged me back slowly and I buried my face in his shirt.

"You'll make a girl happy one day too, KC," I pulled away and smiled up at him. "But you don't need to be hung up on a girl that isn't worth it."

"Thanks, Clare," he patted my shoulder affectionately before leaving down the steps.

I went inside and felt glad that one thing was going right at the moment.

.

.

KC and I went back to normal when we saw each other at school. Him, Alli and I breezed through the day with light conversation and heart-felt laughs that made my day happy. I told Alli that KC and I decided to just be friends after going out on our date. And as much as she was all for KC and I being an item, she supported our decision nonetheless.

Everything was going fairly well today for me and I couldn't be more grateful. But it was now after school and I was on my way to the music room. I was a little nervous to see Eli but excited as well. I'm trying to get over him but taking it slow. In time, I will move on.

He was sitting at the piano and furiously scribbling on the disarrayed papers all over the place.. He looked focused and determined; I almost thought of leaving. But I needed to see him, because I wasn't entirely ready to let go yet.

I walked over to him and lightly put my bag on the floor.

"Hey," I said and he quickly turned around.

I almost gasped at the site. Dark circles were under his eyes, his lips were chapped and he looked a little pale. His eyes were wide and he gave me a small smirk but I knew something was wrong.

"Hi," he said hurriedly before gathering the papers. "I've been working on my story and already have two chapters finished."

"That's good, Eli," I smiled. "That's really, really good."

"You wanna see?" he asked hopefully.

I nodded before taking a seat and taking the sheets from his hands. I thoroughly read through the story and was amazed how beautiful it was. The theme was dark but the writing was extraordinarily written. Eli must've spent a lot of time writing this. He was so amazing.

"Eli, this is amazing," I praised in awe. "You wrote this is in such little time…"

"I know. But a burst of inspiration just had me writing and then this spewed out," he rambled.

"You'll go far," I said. "If you want this to be your career path that is."

"Yeah, I do," he smiled before taking the sheets and organizing them. He gave me a weird look before clearing his throat. "So… how was your date with KC?"

I was surprised he would even bring it up and was a little curious because of how intently he was looking at me.

"Well, it was fun," I started. "But we decided it was best if we stayed friends."

"I can't tell you how relived I am to hear you say that," he blurted in one breath.

"Excuse me?" I asked in shock.

"Clare, I didn't want you to date KC," he said, before grabbing my hands. "I like you."

This wasn't real. It was a dream. A dream! Eli was not looking at me with his beautiful green eyes professing his feelings for me. No, I won't listen to it!

"Don't lie to me," I said, looking down at my hands which were in his. I was too afraid to pull back and deep down, I didn't want to.

"Clare, I'm not lying," he said softly, lifting my chin with his hand to look in his eyes. "I like you so much."

"I've been crushing on you since you came here," I admitted, blushing madly but couldn't keep it in anymore. My mom wanted me to take risks and I was going to take her advice.

So, bravely, I leaned up and pressed my lips to his. My very first kiss with my very first crush. In honesty, it wasn't as great as movies described it. But I did feel those butterflies. Butterflies that were absent with my date with KC. Ones that were reserved for Eli. He held onto my cheek tenderly and returned the kiss eagerly, but was careful not to cross any boundaries. But suddenly the kiss I witnessed with him and Jenna popped into my mind and everything snapped back to reality.

Jenna!

I opened my eyes and pulled away quickly, disentangling any touch with him. He looked confused. I felt horrified.

"How could I do this?" I said to myself. "You have a girlfriend! Why didn't you stop me?"

I stood up hastily and picked up my bag but Eli stopped me before I could leave.

"Wait, Clare," he said frantically. "She's not my girlfriend."

I looked at him confused. "What do you mean she's not your girlfriend? I don't want to play any games, Eli. Tell me the truth."

"It's complicated," he sighed before tugging his hair frustratingly. "I just need you to trust me. Jenna and I are not seeing each other anymore."

"And if you aren't? Where does that leave us?" I said, overwhelmed because I didn't know what to do.

"We like each other," he stated. "Come back to the music room tomorrow and we'll talk. We will take it slow."

The situation still had me a little confused and upset but talking with Eli would probably make things more clear.

"Okay," I nodded. "I'll come back tomorrow. Bye, Eli."

"Bye, Clare," he smiled softly.

I smiled back and left the room, the butterflies never leaving.