Forever End

Chapter Eleven

You still have my heartache And I have your sweater

Blinking, Rodney gazed at the white sky with a mixture of sadness and guilt. The hollow emptiness was threatening to overwhelm him, so much so that he could feel himself slipping back into the oblivion of sleep.

When awareness did return, it was in fits and starts. The pain in his small body was gone, as was the feeling of cold. He wasn't shivering now. He wasn't shivering…

Heavy eyed, he rolled his gaze to the surrounding forest, coated white with a fresh blanket of snow. He could not comprehend why he, too, was not buried in snow. The unfamiliar jumper covering him answered his thoughts, rustling ever so slightly as he breathed. In and out. In and out.

"Where is the cold?" He asked the air, but he didn't hear his voice, so breathy that it made no sound at all.

Wriggling his toes and fingers, or at least, he tried to. They did not move. Everything felt leaden, heavy. He let his eyes drift shut, it was better to sleep. Sleep and sink into the waiting arms of the unknown. There was no blood there. There was no blood and there was no death. Nothing but a sweet oblivion.

His eyes flashed open. His back arched as he struggled to draw a breath, clawing uselessly and weakly at the jumper encasing him. His throat constricted, lungs screaming for air that would not come. Bile rose, tears dripped down his cheeks and snot tickled his nose. The panic was mind numbing, he couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't live.

But death was something he'd fought thus far, and he would not give up so easily.

It was only then, when his eyes rolled back and he sagged boneless to the ground, did Rodney realize that fighting was utterly useless.

~OO~

Rodney became dimply aware of something hitting his back.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

He didn't know how long it lasted, only that with every whack a little air crawled into his throat. It was a painless thing. Lying with his eyes narrowed, barely seeing, yet still there. He knew that it was Ladon. Knew that the snow had started to fall again. He knew that the small, harsh little words were coming from Ladon and that the tears falling were his. He knew all of this with a calm sort of clarity, like he didn't care, didn't feel.

Perhaps he didn't want to feel. He certainly didn't care.

"Breathe. Come on, Rodney. Just breathe."

No. He wanted to say. But the word dried on his lips and he let it fall unheard.

Breathing was hard. Because, while his body was screaming in agony, demanding air, his mind was whispering, coaxing him to simply give up.

He would never feel pain again. He would never see Kolya. He would never fear. Never cry. Never scream.

He would never see Carson again…

His body jerked. One, violent movement that tore him from Ladon's hands and had him puking up the clear bile that was choking him. He lay gasping, eyes wide. He could feel it. The fear, the panic, the pain and the grief. He could feel it all tens times worse than he could ever have imagined. But he would live through it, because he would see Carson again. He would go home.

"Rodney? Can you hear me? Answer me." Ladon pulled him onto his back to look at him. He squeezed Rodney's chin between his fingers as the boy focused.

"Ye-yes." He croaked.

"Okay. Okay." Ladon ran a hand down his face. "Just stay awake, can you do that?"

"Yeah." The word ghosted his lips.

Ladon laid a hand on his forehead, it felt slightly warm and clammy, but nice compared to the cold around them. His lips were muttering something that even he could not comprehend. Ladon did not seem to notice, though, so he supposed that was a good thing. Thoughts began to collect again, trickling through the cracks until it appeared, somewhat half formed and smelling vaguely of failure, an idea that might just allow him the chance to see Carson. One last time.

"Ladon…." He draw in a ragged breath, steeling himself. "Ladon, I have an idea."

Ladon looked down at him, his brow knitting into a frown. Perhaps he was wondering whether to listen to the boy who'd almost just choked to death. He said nothing, though, and gave a brief nod of acceptance.

"I think….well, this might not work, and unless we're quick, we could be caught, or worse…" Neither had to voice what 'or worse' meant. "I think…I think we need to get a message to Atlantis. But they won't open the iris without the code. So, I was thinking that we could toss in something, they would see that there was no threat. Then we go and do it again, tossing a note through, and hopefully they'll have the iris open and won't hesitate to come save us."

Ladon gave an uneasy little wriggle of his shoulders, fidgeting with something in his lap. Rodney narrowed his eyes.

"Where'd you get the gun?"

Ladon looked down, as if suddenly noticing it. He flushed ever so slightly but remained stoic, as if he felt he had to defend himself.

"I managed to lure two of Kolya's men away from the Stargate, overpowered them and took their weapons." Ladon said and pushed one of the guns into Rodney's quaking grip. But Rodney dropped the thing as if it burned.

"What? How the hell did you overpower them?" Rodney asked, incredulous.

"I can fight." Ladon muttered, and he pushed away from the snowy ground to stand, eyeing the white forest around them. He looked tired and, after recent events, much older and wizened. A new bruise had blossomed across one side of his face, over the older ones, it puffed his eye and mouth to one side.

"I see." Rodney muttered. He snuffled, wiping his runny nose on the Laden's jacket. His body felt thick and chunky, as if he'd been torn apart and put together roughly, uneven joints and cracked bones protruding at every angle.

But he made himself stand, chest rattling with each breath.

"So…um, the note. Do you have-"

"I have nothing. Kolya made sure to take everything but the clothes on my back." Ladon said, simmering down. He slouched over to Rodney and crouched beside the boy.

"Alright, we'll have to think of something else…er…" Rodney muttered, patting the pockets of his pants in thought. He froze, a flicker of something, it might have been hope, began to glow inside him. His fingers tingled as he pulled the wrinkled piece of notepad from his pocket.

It was a drawing. One he'd scrawled during one of his many stays in the infirmary. It depicted the Stargate, with a series of small figures standing around it. Names had been scribbled above their head, the team, his family. Reading each name was like shoving an icepick deeper and deeper into his heart, until he had to look away. Carefully folding the paper back up, he pushed it back into his pocket and wiped the blur from his eyes. He was too tried to cry.

"Okay, so we have the note." Rodney puffed out a shaky breath. "Now one of us have to distract the guards, and the other has to dial Atlantis."

They looked at each other for a moment, it was no question, really.

"I'll lead them away from you, just be quick, there's no guarantee that I can keep them occupied for long." Ladon said flatly.

Rodney shivered, he hoped Ladon wouldn't do something stupid. But he had to trust the man, he had thus far, was there really any reason to stop now?

No. But perhaps he was hesitant, he didn't want to risk the man's life for a plan that ultimately, might fail. Failure was something Rodney did not cope well with. His stomach clenched painfully simply thinking about it.

"Lets just get this over with, 'kay? I want to go home." Rodney muttered, stumbling forward. Ladon nodded and led the way.

They stumbled through the snow, constantly throwing wary glances over their shoulders and through the trees around them. They knew they stood out starkly in their pale surroundings. But there was really nothing for it, they needed to get on with the plan.

When they arrived at the 'gate they hunkered down behind a tall, hollow tree, watching the dark smudges of color as the guards stood clustered together around the DHD. Rodney peered cautiously over the trees roots, shivering despite the abrupt, dizzying surge of adrenaline that caught his small body in its grasp. His fingers began to twitch, so he shoved them under his armpits and squeezed.

God, he was nervous.

"There is only four of them, surprising considering that surely Kolya must know we're going to try to leave this planet. I'll lead them- Rodney, stay awake, okay? You need to stay awake if we're going to do this."

Rodney flinched, he hadn't realized that he'd closed his eyes. Hadn't even felt the rough texture of the tree biting into his cheek until Ladon shook his shoulder. He blinked owlishly up at the man, feeling his flushed cheeks burn with fever and the trickle of sweat running down the back of his neck.

Ladon watching him for a few moments, still but for the little rise and fall of his chest as he breathed slowly through his nose. Rodney wondered how he could appear so calm and composed. He felt like his innards were filled with a mass of writhing snakes because, really, he didn't want to die like this. He wanted to die surrounded by people he loved and….

"I don't want to die." The words left his lips unbidden. He hadn't meant to voice it, hadn't wanted to say it aloud. But once they were out, they stayed out.

"You wont." Ladon was watching Rodney with something akin to pity. But Rodney did not want pity.

"Go and distract the bastards, Ladon." Rodney ordered wearily and pushed himself into the hollow of the tree.

"Right. But take this- no, take it. Rodney, if I don't come back then you have to protect yourself."

"If you don't come back then I'm dead anyway." Rodney replied tiredly and without looking up. The gun lay untouched at his feet.

Ladon simply nodded and walked away.

And Rodney was left alone. Oh, how he hated to be alone. It was like a chasm opened up before him, threatening to swallow him whole and without a trace. Usually someone would come and rescue him, but he was waiting for the day that no one did.

There was shouting and gun fire. Crunched footsteps and howls of pain. The sounds faded, slowly, the distance growing. Rodney did not look until he was sure the distance was great. He inched out from his hidey hole and crawled to peek around the base of the tree. No one.

He had to move.

He was running before he knew it. Slamming into the DHD hard enough to make him fall back into the snow, feeling desperate and anxious, he threw a worried glance to where Ladon had run, but quickly began punching in the address for Atlantis.

The Stargate whooshed to life with its sea of rippling blue. It was a beautiful sight, one he gazed at for a moment before remembering that he was suppose to be doing something. With a guilty shrug, the boy hurried over to the simmering pool of blue and stooped, grabbing a large clump of snow, and threw it through the 'gate. He did this several times, hoping that it created enough of a push that the monitors on the other side felt it.

There was the almighty sound of more shots being fired and Rodney, feeling much like a rabbit running from the hunter, darted back into the forest, running for all he was worth. The trees whipped by, starting him as they reached out to scratch his face or his neck. But he only ran faster, using the last of the small fountain of adrenaline that had sprung into his system.

But he did collapse, when his mind told him he was at a safe distance. He didn't wonder whether Ladon would find him, he'd probably left a trail that any dumbass could follow. All he could think was, did it work? Did Atlantis register the snow?

~OO~

Carson sat at Weir's desk, picking mindlessly at a hangnail as he rattled off the latest orders for the infirmary, the supplies needed and perhaps more staff. More staff would be good.

But his heart was not in it. Hadn't been for quiet some time. Not since he hadn't been able to stop Kolya from stealing his boy right from under his nose. And that was how he thought of Rodney, his boy, his friend. Someone to be protected and loved. His little boy and was and probably hurt. Or something worse…

"Carson?"

He looked at Weir, he must have zoned out. Again.

"Aye, that's all, Elizabeth." Carson said and made to stand.

Weir offered him a sympathetic look and told him to get some sleep, to which he nodded appropriately but said nothing out loud. He hadn't been getting much sleep at all lately.

'Unscheduled off-word activation."

The alarm was loud and clear and both Weir and Carson were on their feet in a heartbeat. They ran through the small corridor to stand at the balcony overlooking the Stargate. The iris was up and would stay up until they received a code. They did not, however.

Sheppard appeared below them, accompanied by Ronon and Teyla. His dark eyes were fixed on the 'gate. As was everyone else's.

But there was no code and there was no sign of life. Only the dull zatzatzat of something hitting the shield. It reminded Carson of flies hitting the blue light and sizzling to death. He sighed and lowered his eyes, feeling disheartened.

He did not see Sheppard leave the 'gateroom. He also did not notice Chuck frown, leaning forward to gaze suspiciously at the screen in front of him. He felt Weir's hand grip his shoulder but couldn't manage to look into her pitying eyes.

He mimicked the Colonel and left without another word.

~OO~

Rodney was wide eyes and quaking. Smothered in snow from foot to waist. He stood and waited for Ladon to return, because he had to return. He had told him to return.

So he waited.

~OO~

"What is it, Chuck?" Weir leaned over the young man's shoulder, staring at the screen he had called her over to look at.

"Its just…well, the unscheduled activation seemed rather pointless, don't you think?"

"Yes, but why do you find that strange? We do occasionally get those unanswered calls." Weir said, amused.

Chuck nodded with a little smile of his own.

"I also analyzed those sounds we heard, it was something striking the iris."

"An attack?"

"No, there was no heat, radiation, or power signature. In fact, if anything, it was cold. It was completely harmless."

"Oh."

"Doctor Weir?" Weir excused herself and Chuck nodded. He pushed previous thoughts from his mind and got back ot his work. He had lots to do. He always did.

~OO~

"Ladon." Rodney said with a wave of relief. He watched the man puffing and huffing as he made his way toward him. He appeared unhurt and his cheeks were flushed a bright red.

"Did you dial Atlantis?" He asked as he bent at the waist and sucked in a harsh breath.

Rodney nodded. "Yes. We can only hope they keep the iris open next time. You think you're up to another run?"

Ladon evened his breathing and stood. "Just give me a few moments, otherwise my legs are going to fall off." He huffed a little laugh but Rodney couldn't seem to join him. He was so goddamn tired. His own legs were quivering with the effort to keep him standing and he could no longer breathe through his nose.

Sweat stung his eyes.

"Okay, so, same as last time. We get them away from the 'gate and I'll dial home and sent the note through. Hopefully Sheppard will come storming through and we're saved." Rodney said solemnly.

The boy rubbed a hand down his sleep numbed face. He could feel the grit between his teeth, crunching every time he swallowed or clenched his jaw. The last vestiges of anticipation left him then, and he was filled with a dull sense of duty. He had to finish his plan because it was the right thing to do. To give up was to give in.

Ladon had caught his breath and gave a steady nod, mouth a stiff line. He was passing the gun from one hand to the other, whether nervous or simply fidgeting, Rodney did not know.

"Alright, lets do this again." Rodney stepped forward but Ladon abruptly stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Rodney, there is a chance that they'll have more guards and in all likelihood I may not even return."

"You said this last time, Ladon, and you came back fine. Lets just assume that we've gone through this little speech and we can move on." Rodney snapped, sounding much like his old self. But once he was done, he lapsed back into a quiet, blank child standing waist deep in snow with a gun held loosely in his hands.

Ladon said nothing, but he looked like he sorely wanted to.

They made it to the Stargate as they had the last time. But kept back a little more, cautious now despite their earlier victory. Even with a quick glance they could see there was twice the guards there had been. Most were still huddled around the DHD, but there were now several walking the perimeter, guns cocked readily at their sides.

Rodney gulped.

"Here we go." Ladon muttered, and he was gone before Rodney could hold him back or tell him to be careful.

The man leapt from their hiding place and, arms waving through the air, ran faster than Rodney had thought possible. Shouts filled the air, shots took notches out of trees and snow flurried. More than half of the soldiers ran after Ladon, leaving only three to guard the 'gate.

Rodney's heart stuttered.

What was he going to do? All the guards were supposed to follow!

Retreating in the hollow of the tree, Rodney sucked in several deep breaths. He was scared. So scared. But Sheppard wouldn't be scared, he would run out and shoot them all without blinking. He would be brave.

The image of Stian rushed to the forefront of his mind, engulfing him in guilt and horror and grief. He'd already killed someone, he could do it again. He didn't want to. But he would.

His body moved without another thought. Standing and pivoting on his feet at once so that he spun out and away form the tree. His hand automatically raised the gun and his finger, poised over the trigger. Pulled again and again. The recoil hit him each time he pulled, flicking his shoulder back and making him flinch. And when the gun clicked empty he sagged, the weight of the world had fallen on his shoulders.

His mind was flat lining.

His body walked him over to the DHD. He did not look at the bloodied and still bodies lying at his feet as his hands flew over the DHD and he dialed home. He didn't hear the rush of the Stargate opening but he saw it, and walked over to calmly pull the picture from his pocket and, without thinking, tossed it through.

He stepped back. He wanted so badly to jump through. He could go home right there. But then he would be leaving Ladon, the man who had saved his life as he had done in return. He would not let Ladon die.

With thoughts of death churning his mind, Rodney backed away from the 'gate and watched the event horizon close. It felt like he had ripped himself apart by not going through the 'gate. He'd held himself so stiffly in an effort to keep himself on the spot. So hard. So tired.

Something grabbed his leg and he screamed.

~OO~

Carson jerked in surprise when the alarm sounded once again, not an hour after the last time. He furrowed his brow and sat straighter in his chair. Debating

He did not want to get his hopes up, but his curiosity was too great, he pushed out of his chair, dropping the report he'd been reading and hurried out of his office. When he came to the Gate room he found a crowd of people surrounding the gate. There were armed soldiers, yes, but also civilians, and Sheppard and the team were there, too.

Carson went to stand with Sheppard, who was closest to the 'gate itself, and watching on with intrigue as small, white things began to flutter out of the swirling blue. No one said a word, only stared.

Carson shot a look up and behind him where Weir was standing, she looked bewildered, but he supposed she had to have some idea what was going on, if she'd allowed the lowering of the shield.

He turned back when there was a little wave of muttering through the assemblage. A note fluttered delicately to the ground of the 'gate room. It landed amongst the white fluff and was still. The Stargate closed almost too loudly in the hushed quiet.

Carson was the first to stumble forward, hope alight in his chest, and scoop up the note. The white stuff, he realized, was snow, and clung to his hands and the note. He gasped aloud when he unfolded the piece of paper.

In the space of a beat, Sheppard had almost plastered himself to Carson's back, and he gave a small, oblivious shout as his eyes roved over the lines and shapes.

"Rodney." Carson muttered, and before he knew, he was being strangled in a bear hug as Sheppard gave another shout.