Chapter 11. One Month

"Bex!" Emily cried. "Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry," Bex apologized sheepishly. "I meant to get here sooner. I just lost track of time." She looked down at the grease-stained paper bag in her hand and gave her friend a weak smile. "I brought donuts?"

Emily rolled her green eyes. "You're lucky I love you." She took a glazed donut from the bag. "But I'm not about to face the wrath of Celia alone. So get your butt in here."

Bex ducked into the Millers' kitchen and shrugged out of her jacket. "Can I borrow some clothes?" She had put her dress back on at Bowie's, but she couldn't let her mom see her in it when she came to pick her up.

"Help yourself," Emily said.

Bex went to her friend's room and took an old pair of sweatpants and a t shirt that may have been hers in the first place out of the dresser.

"So, how was your night, anyway?" Emily asked, flopping down on her bed.

"It was good," Bex said mysteriously, as she pulled the shirt over her head.

"How good?" Her friend asked, narrowing her eyes playfully.

Bex stretched out beside her and took a sprinkle donut out of the bag. "We had sex," she said. "Last night. And this morning."

"Bex!" Emily cried, her eyes widening in surprise. "Were you at least safe?"

Bex held her hands up defensively. "We were safe. Don't worry."

Emily breathed a small, relieved sigh. "What was it like?"

"The first time was kind of weird," she admitted. "It hurt a lot. But it was really nice, feeling so close to Bowie. And he was really gentle. The second time was a lot more fun." She licked chocolate frosting from her fingertips. "I already can't wait to do it again." When she closed her eyes, she could still feel Bowie's hands on her bare skin, and his warm breath as he kissed her lips. She craved him.

"Just be careful," Emily pleaded. "Please, Bex."

"I already told you we were safe," Bex said. "Remember? Thirty seconds ago?"

"I didn't mean that," her friend said.

"What do you mean, then?" she asked, picking a sprinkle off her shirt.

Emily sighed reluctantly. "You know I like Bowie. He's a sweet guy, and he obviously really cares about you." She paused uncomfortably. "But it seems like he comes with a lot of drama. Sex is a big step, and he's hurt you before. I don't want you to end up getting your heart broken."

"Bowie's not going to hurt me," Bex said, defensively. She rose, leaning on her elbow. "We're in love, and we both wanted to have sex. It was my choice."

"I'm just looking out for you," Emily told her.

Bex's eyes stung. "Why are you trying to make this into something bad?"

Emily gave her a hurt look. "I'm not!" she said. "If you do feel bad about it, maybe you weren't ready to do it."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You're not the most mature person," Emily pointed out.

"Neither are you!" Bex cried.

"I'm a lot more mature than you are!" Emily's brow creased, as it always did when she was angry.

Bex sat up, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're just jealous of my relationship with Bowie." She regretted her words as soon as she said them. Especially when she saw her friend's face fall. "Em, I'm sorry..." she apologized.

"Save it," Emily snapped. "You're not sorry! You just want me to forgive you so you can keep taking advantage of me."

Bex opened her mouth to protest, as Emily's doorbell rang.

"Your mom's here," Emily told her. "I think it's time for you to go."

Bex turned and left the room. She hurried to the door and let her mom in. "Hey, mom." She cringed as her mom looked at her carefully, frowning. Could she tell that she wasn't a virgin anymore? Had something changed about her? "Is everything okay?" she finally asked.

"I'm just wondering why you're only wearing one earring," Celia told her. "When you specifically promised me you would take care of them and return them to me in the condition they left in."

Bex touched her earlobes and her heart dropped. It was true. One of her mom's earrings were gone. She hadn't even felt it fall off. "Umm..."

"Don't 'umm' me," Celia said impatiently. "Go look for it. It must be in Emily's room, right?"

"Right," Bex stuttered. She hurried back to Emily's room.

Emily gave her a dark look. "What?"

"My mom's earring," Bex said, as she frantically began searching the floor. "It's lost. Help me find it, Em, please." Tears stung her eyes. "My mom will kill me if I don't find it."

Emily sighed with annoyance, but she did slide off the bed, and began combing the rug. "Did you have it when you left the dance?"

"I don't know," Bex fretted. "I think so." She searched her memory. "Yes, I did," she whispered. "I took them out before I took a shower at Bowie's this morning."

"Did you have both of them when you left his house?"

Her face fell. "I can't remember." Her heart thudded with panic. What if she had lost the earring at Bowie's house? How would she ever explain that to her mom? "No," she said. "It has to be here. It has to."

She stood up and began tearing the bedding off Emily's bed, shaking it out.

"Rebecca!" Celia called from the other room. "Are you coming?"

"Just a minute, mom!" Bex called back. She combed her fingers through her hair, racking her brain, trying to retrace her steps.

"Bex!" Emily hissed. She held her hand out. Celia's earring sparkled in her open palm.

"Oh my gosh!" Bex breathed, grabbing the earring. "Where did you find it?"

"It was stuck in your dress," Emily explained. "It must have got caught when you changed this morning."

Bex was so relieved, she could cry. "Thanks for finding it."

"Looks like I saved your ass again," Emily said. "You were really lucky this time."

Bex reached out to hug her friend, but the other girl held back. She gave her a hurt look.

"I helped you out again this time," Emily said. "But that doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you."

December turned to January, and Bex and Emily's friendship remained strained. They barely spoke to each other, and when they did, it was awkward. Bex hated fighting with her best friend, but it had become a game of chicken. Neither of them wanted to be the first to apologize and admit they were wrong, and the longer this went on, it seemed less and less likely that things would ever be the same between them.

As it was, Bex spent more and more time with Bowie. They spent almost every day after school together, shut away from from the world in his room. Sometimes they listened to music. Rarely, they studied. Often, they had sex. Her relationship with him seemed like the only thing in her life that was going perfectly. She was only truly happy when they were together.

She woke up late one snowy Saturday morning, a few weeks after the dance, feeling miserable. Her head was stuffed up, and her stomach felt sick. She looked in the mirror. Her face was pale, her eyes shadowed with dark circles.

She dragged herself to the bathroom, and yanked her underwear down to pee. She groaned when she saw that she'd gotten her period. "Great," she muttered, cursing under her breath. No wonder she felt so crappy.

She took a bottle of Midol from the medicine cabinet and dumped two pills in her hand, then swallowed them with a paper cup of water. Then, she went down to breakfast.

"What's wrong with you?" Her mother asked when she saw the downcast look on her face.

"Nothing," she mumbled, pouring herself a bowl of cereal.

"Are you sick?" Celia frowned.

"No, I'm not sick," she replied, annoyed. "If you must know, I have PMS."

"You don't need to take an attitude with me," Celia told her. "I was only asking."

"Sorry," she sighed. She stirred her muesli to mush, her appetite gone. At that moment, she would have given anything for regular, sugar-frosted cereal. Or anything sweet, really. She pushed her unfinished bowl away. "Is it okay if I go out for a while?"

"Where are you going?" her mom asked.

"I thought I'd go over to Bowie's," she replied. "I need some air."

"I should have guessed," Celia said with a sigh.

"So, is it okay if I go?"

"I suppose so," her mother nodded. "Go ahead."

Bex hurried out the door before her mother could ask her any more questions.

The walk to Bowie's was brisk, but the cold air cleared her head a little. She arrived at his door and rang the bell. She took a tissue out of her pocket and wiped her nose, just as the door opened.

"Rebecca!" Cookie smiled. "Hi, sweetie!"

"Hi, Cookie," Bex said, as the older woman pulled her in for a hug. She could never stay in a bad mood around Bowie's mom. Cookie always greeted her so warmly, and she loved it. "Is Bowie home?"

"He's practicing with his band, sweetheart," Cookie explained. "But he should be home any minute. You're welcome to come in and wait."

"Thank you." Bex stepped over the threshold, and followed the older woman into the warm, cozy kitchen, that perpetually smelled of baked goods.

Bowie's mom looked at her and frowned with concern as she took her jacket off and hung it on the back of her chair. "Are you feeling alright, baby doll?" she asked. "You look like you're coming down with something." She placed her soft, cool hand on Bex's forehead. "You don't feel warm to me, but you're awfully pale."

"I'm fine," Bex promised her. "I'm just feeling a little under the weather today."

"You poor thing," Cookie fretted. "Can I make you something? Some tea with honey, maybe?"

Bex nodded. "That would be great. Thanks."

Cookie smiled. "I'll put the kettle on."

Bex was sipping tea and eating Cookie's delicious homemade blueberry muffins when Bowie came through the door, toting his guitar.

"Bex!" he said, surprised to see her. "Hey!"

"Hey," she smiled, standing up. "You're home! How was band practice?"

"It was a good," he told her. His voice sounded sincere, but there was a worried look in his eyes. "You want to come upstairs?"

"Sure!" She turned back to Cookie. "Thanks for the tea."

"No problem, honey," Cookie nodded. "If you need anything else, just let me know."

"I will," she smiled. She turned and followed Bowie through the house and up the garage stairs.

Once they were safely in his room, the door closed and locked, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, standing on her tiptoes. Bowie kissed her back, deeply, holding onto her a little longer than usual. Behind him, the snow fell in big flakes outside the window. But inside, in his arms, Bex felt warm and cozy.

Finally, Bowie let go. He turned away from her.

"Are you okay?" Bex asked him, a little bit hurt. "What's wrong?"

He stood in front of the window, gazing out, without answering her. His eyes seemed far away, and his soft lips were pursed thoughtfully.

"Bowie-" she said again. "You're scaring me."

"There's something I need to talk to you about," he said at last, in a quiet voice. "It's kind of hard."

Her head swam in a moment of panic. She turned, and began thumbing through his records, hardly daring to meet the serious, serious look in his eyes.

"Bex," Bowie said, turning her around. "Listen. This is important." He sighed. "I might be leaving soon..."

She stopped rifling through the album sleeves and turned back to him. She gave him a searching look. "I don't understand. Leaving? Where are you going?"

"The band and I had a meeting today. We're thinking of trying our luck in California," he told her. "We're going to get our demo out there, and see what happens."

"Oh." Her face fell. "Well, when are you coming back?"

"That's the thing," he said quietly, trying to avoid her eyes. "If I go, I'm not coming back. At least not right away."

Bex's tongue felt paralyzed. Her whole world felt as if it were caving in, in one instant. "But..." she managed to get out. "I don't want you to go."

"I know," he said. "But I have to. The guys in the band are older. I'm still in high school. You know how hard I have to work to prove myself to them. If I don't go, they'll just replace me."

"But what about school?" she asked quietly. "What about graduation?"

"I don't need a diploma to be a musician," he said. "I feel like I'm wasting my time sitting in school when I have this great opportunity now. It might not come around again."

"But what about me?" Her words hung in the air. She was almost sorry she'd asked, afraid of what his answer might be. Was she just a waste of time too?

He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "If there's anything that could keep me here, it's you," he said. "You know that. I love you more than anything in the world, Bex." He paused. "I was actually hoping you would come with me."

"To California?" she said, her eyes widening. "I can't."

"Why not?" he asked her. "It's not like there's anything keeping you here, either."

"I just can't," she said again, her voice trembling. "My parents would never let me. You know that."

"So, don't tell them," he pleaded. "We'll just go. We can be on a bus to LA before they even find out. Please, Bex? You'd love California."

She shook her head. Her throat felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls. "I can't, Bowie. I can't hurt my dad like that." Her eyes welled with tears, as not just Ham, but Celia crossed her mind. She had her problems with her parents, but she loved them, and she wasn't ready to leave them. If she left, she knew their relationship would be damaged beyond repair. "I have to finish school. I'm only seventeen."

"I'm seventeen too," he reminded her. "And I'm ready for this now. I'm ready to start the second half of my life."

Suddenly, listening to him, Bex was more angry than sad. "How could you do this to me?" Everything they'd planned together ran through her mind.

"I don't even know for sure if this is going to happen yet," he told her. "Please, just don't get upset."

"How could I not get upset?" she asked him. "It sounds like you're planning to leave with or without me."

"I'm sorry," he apologized, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. "What do you want me to say?"

"Say you won't leave," she pleaded.

"Bex, that isn't fair. You know this is my dream."

"Well, my dream is that everyone I love doesn't stab me in the back!" she snapped. He knew what a hard time she was having being in a fight with Emily. She needed him.

"Please, Bowie," she asked again. Tears threatened to spill over, but she refused to let them. "Say you won't go."

"I can't do that," he said softly, after a long moment of silence.

"I understand," Bex said, reaching for her coat.

"Bex, I'm not trying to hurt you," he said, stopping her. "I love you." He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing. "And if you really love me, you won't keep my from doing this."

Taken aback, Bex stared at him. She nodded slowly. "If you go," she said softly, "when are you leaving?"

He looked down. "In one month."

Bex's eyes blurred. She couldn't hold her tears back any longer. They rolled down her cheeks in hot rivers.

"Bex," Bowie sighed. "Don't cry. Please." He reached for her, to take her in his arms, but she pulled away from him.

"I have to go," she said. She pulled her coat on and raced out the door and down the stairs. She left the house without even saying goodbye to Cookie. Once she was out in the frigid air, she kept walking. She would have given anything to talk to Emily, but she didn't even have that anymore. Her mouth watered, and her stomach heaved. Putting her hand to her lips, she leaned down and threw up in the snow. When she was finished, she stood up, wiping her mouth. Her eyes and nose burned.

She never felt so alone.