Chapter 10

Keep Moving Forward

July 20th 2012

Quantico, Virginia

Emily Prentiss' Apartment

He was her lifeline; the only safety she felt was in his arms.

"Shhh… It's okay. I'm here, always here." he held her closely, soothing her pain the only way he knew how.

August 1st 2012

Quantico, Virginia

The BAU

Emily had taken two weeks off from work and this was her first day back at work. In her time away from work she had seen each member of the team on separate occasions. They each had stopped by to see how she was doing. No one judged her or made any presumptions about her relationship with Hotch. Whatever that was, she wasn't sure yet.

The girls had come back together later during her second week out and had brought take out and movies to distract Emily with. By the end of the night Emily had told them about everything she was feeling. From the loss of the baby, down to everything going on between her and Hotch. These were her closest friends, her family and she allowed herself to be vulnerable with them. She always let them in; she never tried to hide who she was with them. They understood her, had accepted her, even from the beginning they had been close.

They had talked to her about how she was feeling about losing the baby; it had helped to talk to someone other than Hotch about it. After all they were woman too; JJ had a child and knew how Emily had longed to be a mother. And well Penelope was just as well in tuned to the need to one day have a child of her own. They let her cry, hell they had cried with her. It had been therapeutic for Emily. More than anything it had been a turning point for her in accepting that sometimes you just had to accept and move forward no matter how much it hurt, it would eventually get easier and that in time the hurt would lessen and the heart would heal.

Hotch had been by every day after work to check on her as well. He was giving her space without pressuring her into a relationship, but at the same time he was there for her helping in any way he could with the healing process. And in return she was helping him heal as well. They were healing, together. She hadn't realized that he had been just as affected by the loss as she had been until he had told her about his nightmares about her and the baby. She had cried with him that night and tried to comfort him the way he had her. They had gone through a lot in those two weeks, but none of it had been more important than the step they had made that night.

She now sat at her desk lost in thought when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning to see who it was she was surprised to see Erin Strauss standing there.

"I need to see you Agent Prentiss; can you meet me in my office in twenty minutes?" The older woman asked her softly.

"Um… Yes ma'am." She replied quietly.

God she couldn't handle this today. What the hell did that woman want any way?

Emily glanced up Hotch's office and found it empty. She had seen him earlier when she had come in. They had talked for a few minutes before they had gotten busy on case files. She got up and made her way to the elevator and took it up one floor to where the Section Chief's office was located. She walked down the long hallway, dreading whatever was to come. She reached the office and entered the outer office. Strauss assistant sat at her desk and gave Emily a small smile.

"She'll be right with you Agent Prentiss." the other woman said.

"Thank you Sarah." Emily said as she took a seat across from her desk in the small waiting area. Emily felt like she was in school waiting to see the principal.

"She will see you now." Sarah said to her.

Emily stood and made her way in to Strauss office.

"Take a seat Agent Prentiss." Strauss said directing her to the chair in front of her desk.

Emily didn't notice Hotch standing by the bookcase that was on the left side of the door out of view.

"Can I ask what this about ma'am?"

"Let me say this first. I am so sorry for your loss Emily."

"Thank you, ma'am." Emily said as she lowered her gaze to her lap.

"It was brought to my attention while you were in the hospital that the baby was Agent Hotchner's. Is this true?" Strauss asked as she took her seat across from Emily.

"Yes ma'am, it was. But it's not what you think. It was one time and it has not happened since then. Please don't hold this against Hotch it was just something that happened. If anyone needs to take the fall for this let it be me. I'll transfer if I have to, just don't put this on him ma'am. I don't want this to hurt his career; I would rather leave than cause him any more pain ma'am."

"Like hell you will." boomed the voice behind her,

Emily swung around to see Hotch standing by the bookcase she didn't notice being there when she came in.

"Hotch what are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to Chief Strauss about everything. I will not let you sacrifice yourself Emily."

"Aaron, take a seat please. I did not call you both in here to reprimand you. I called you in here to inform you that I as well as the Director have approved of your relationship as long as it does not interfere with your jobs. I will be taking care of Agent Prentiss' evaluations from now on. All you have to do is do your jobs the way you always have and there won't be any problems. If for some reason it comes to light that you cannot keep your personal lives separate from work then Agent Prentiss will be transferred to another unit. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes ma'am" Hotch and Emily answered in unison.

"Now Agent Hotchner if you can excuse us I need to talk to Emily in private."

"Um ma'am is that necessary?" he asked before looking over at Emily.

"Yes it is. Please it won't take long." Strauss stressed to him.

"Yes ma'am."

Hotch left closing the door behind him on his way out.

"This is by no means on the record Emily. I just wanted to know how you were doing. Have the nightmares eased up any?"

"How did you know…?"

"Because I have been in your shoes Emily; I know the pain you are going through. When I was twenty-one I lost my baby too. I was four months along when I lost it. I don't know if it was a boy or a girl, but it doesn't matter, in my dreams I always dreamed it was a boy. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone Emily. If you ever need to talk to someone who has been where you are, I am here and I am willing to help you through this if you let me."

"I don't know what to say ma'am. I mean I never expected you… We have never been friendly if I may say so; why the change now?"

"Because Emily, I know how it feels to struggle with this. I know what it feels like to wake up in the middle of the night soaked in your own sweat and tears, screaming for the one thing you know you'll never get back. I've been there and I don't want you to feel like this was your fault. It wasn't. From the moment Stanly Parker took you, you had no control over what happened."

"I've accepted that ma'am. I appreciate the offer, I do. Aaron has been a big help and the rest of the team as well."

"Well I am glad that you have them to turn to. But if you ever need someone outside of that circle, I am here."

"Thank you ma'am. Can I ask you one question? Does the pain go away? I mean, does it ever feel like you can breathe again?"

"The pain never truly goes away, no. But it does get better. There will come a time when you think about the baby and not burst into tears. You'll eventually get to the point that you can go more than a day without thinking about her or him. You'll remember them on the holidays fondly. I celebrate mine on his due date. I'm not saying that you have to do that but that is what helped me cope. You can find other ways to help you. Talking about it will help. You have some great friends Emily, let them to help you. If you shut people out it will only cause you more pain. Talk about it when you need to and it will help you heal. No matter how you feel about me Emily, I promise you this; if you ever need me I will be here for you.'

"Thank you. I promise to keep that in mind ma'am." Emily said as she stood up to leave.

Strauss came around the desk to walk her out but before she did she shocked Emily by hugging her. Emily returned the hug before pulling back giving the older woman a smile.

"Thank you Chief Strauss."

"Emily, please call me Erin when we are like this. This is a friend trying to help another friend. Or at least I hope we can become friends."

"I would like that… Erin." calling her by her first name sounded foreign to Emily.

"Just remember Emily, take it one day at a time and keep moving forward. Don't let the grief overtake your life because if you do it will eat at your soul and you will miss out on so many good things in your future. I know right now you're not thinking of your future, but you will have one and it will be filled with more children. You will get a chance to be a mother Emily, and you will be a great one."

"Thank you Erin. I needed this I think. It is one thing to talk to the team but to actually be able to talk to someone who has been there has helped. I think I would like to you talk to you again, if that would be ok."

"I would like that Emily. Anytime."