Warnings: domestic abuse

Chapter 10

Rose stared at the door after James disappeared. She wanted to weep again, but there didn't seem to be any tears left. How could I be so stupid? He doesn't want to kiss me. He was probably still mourning his wife, and learning who was responsible for her death had probably torn the wound open. He's been nothing but a good friend to me and I go and ruin it. He probably won't even be able to look at me now. She curled up in the small bed and tried to shove the heartache aside. She had taken advantage of his friendship and she had crossed a line. She hadn't even meant to do it. The look in his eyes had been so inviting, and she had acted without any thought for consequences. Now she may have thrown away the best friendship anyone had ever offered her. She couldn't bear to think, or feel anymore, so she closed her eyes, and wished for a dreamless sleep.

(Warning applies to the next two paragraphs.)

She was crouched in the living room of the flat, and Jimmy stood over her with a sneer. It was a position she had been in many times. He hadn't hit her yet, but she knew the insults were a precursor to a rough night. She couldn't make sense of the words he was spewing at her this time. "You stupid whore, you belong to me! You think you can just kiss anyone you want? What would a doctor want with you? You're just a charity case. You're a useless chav. Can't save yourself, can't save your baby, kissing men who don't even want you, when you fucking belong to me!" He was bent over her raging now, and she didn't know what he was talking about, but she knew he was going to hit her and it was going to be bad. "I will kill you if you do it again! Do you hear me you stupid bitch?! I will fucking kill you!"

She didn't know what she had done or why he was so mad, but she believed him. He was going to kill her and it might be right now. "I'm sorry, Jimmy. Please. I won't do it again." Whatever it was, she wouldn't. "Please, don't. I'm sorry." But it didn't matter, it never mattered. Then he started to hit her and she started to scream.

(End warning.)

"Rose, it's just a dream. Rose, sweetheart, wake up. Love, it's okay, you're safe, wake up."

Rose blinked her eyes open to find her mother's worried face peering at her. It only took a second for the memories of the present to surface and the meaning of dream-Jimmy's threats and taunts to become clear. She clutched at her mum and burst into tears as a rapid succession of memories flashed through her head. Being pregnant. Losing the baby. Learning Jimmy was dead. Crying in James' arms. Kissing James. "Oh, Mum, I'm so stupid! I ruin everything I touch! No wonder he ran, I'm so useless! What are we going to do? He probably hates me now…" She trailed off into sobs.

"Now, that's enough of that. You are not stupid or useless. Oh, sweetheart. You are strong and resilient, and that bastard can't hurt you anymore. He can't hate you if he's dead, can he? And who'd care if he did? I don't know what you mean about running, but he's gone and that's a good thing."

"No, that's not…" She'd have to tell her mum about the kiss. He wouldn't want them to stay anymore, and her mum would want to know why. "I wasn't talking about Jimmy." She would have to find the control she had built while she'd lived with Jimmy to get through the explanation. She still might not make it.

"But, it looked like that's what you were dreaming about…"

"I was. I was dreaming about Jimmy. But I wasn't talking about him. Last night I… Oh, Mum, I kissed him! Now he's gonna hate me and we won't have anywhere to go, and why, why do I have to be so needy and stupid? Why couldn't I just let him be my friend?" It was no use, she was crying again. He had been everything she had never known she wanted and she'd probably lost even his friendship. "Like things aren't complicated enough already, with a psycho hunting us, I have to go and make things worse!"

"Rose, sweetheart, what are you talking about? You kissed who? James? Love, I'm sure that he doesn't hate you. I've been watching that man and I don't think he could hate you if he tried. It can't be as bad as you think. He's tied up in this as much as we are, and I'm sure he's just worried. I don't think he would turn us away, he saved you when I didn't even know you needed saving, love."

"No, Mum. You should have seen his face. He was… Oh, god, he was horrified. He could hardly look at me. He just found out his wife was murdered, that she didn't die in an accident like he'd thought, and that he knew the murderer. Then I go and assault him! Jimmy was right, what would he want with me?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"In my dream. Jimmy was saying what would a doctor want with me, I'm just a charity case."

James woke with a start when he heard Rose begin screaming in her room across the hall. It took everything he had not to rush over and wake her from her nightmare. He groaned and flopped back down on the hard twin bed. Her mother was in the room next to her, and she surely wouldn't want to see him now. Or maybe ever after he had nearly lost control earlier. Oh, she had kissed him, but she had been grieving and vulnerable. But for a moment he didn't care. For a moment, when her lips touched his, his brain had disengaged, and his body had been only too happy to respond. Then he'd remembered. Because of the night's revelations, Romana had been on his mind, and he remembered all too well the way he had turned to her in his grief. Then he'd married her in gratitude, instead of passion, because he'd been young and she'd been beautiful. Rose was young, as he had been, and he did not want to be her Romana. He wanted, more than he had ever wanted, to love her with the passion he had never felt with Romana, but he wouldn't make her feel obligated to him.

Not that any of that mattered, since she would probably not want to have anything to do with him after his abrupt departure. He sighed and sat up, swinging his legs off of the bed, when the door opened and Jack entered. He closed the door behind himself before turning to James. "Donna and her fiancée are here, and so is Jackie Tyler's boyfriend. It's about five now, we're planning to move to another safe house in a few hours." Jack gave him a critical look. "I saw you heading into Rose's room last night. How is she?"

He ran his hand through his hair and grimaced. "Oh, I've really screwed that up, Jack. I doubt she'll want to see me at all after I made an arse of myself last night."

Jack sat on the end of the bed. "What do you mean? She was looking at you like you were her hero, yesterday."

"I… Well, she kissed me. And it was brilliant, but… She's had a series of nasty shocks, and she's grieving. I don't want…I don't want to be just a rebound for her. Then I thought about Romana, and I, well, I panicked and I ran."

"James. I'm sorry about Romana and I'm sorry about your parents. We'll catch Saxon, and we'll put him away. But you don't have to feel guilty about falling in love again. I'm sure Romana would want you to be happy."

"No, Jack, you don't understand. Of course, you don't. I've never told anyone but Donna. You're right, she would want me to be happy. I don't feel guilty about falling in love again, because I didn't. Fall in love again, that is."

"But, I thought you said-"

"I did, and I meant it. But Jack," he paused and sighed. He could tell Jack. The events were far enough removed that the guilt was bearable, now. "Look, I knew Romana practically my whole life. She was already family. I loved her most of my life, but she was more like a sister to me than anything else. Then, when my parents died, she was there for me. Donna didn't make it back to London until the day of the funeral, but Romana dropped what she was doing, and she was there for me when I was shattered. After that, well… She was beautiful, and she was in love with me, and I wanted to make her happy. I loved her, but I was never in love with her. I didn't recognize my feelings until she was dying. I would have adored our child, but I doubt our marriage would have lasted. That's why I panicked. I don't want to be her Romana, Jack. I don't want her to feel like she owes me anything because I can't hide my own bloody feelings!"

Jack's brow furrowed in thought, and it was a full ten seconds before he replied. "James, that's… Well, it's sorta understandable, but I don't think the situations are really the same. For one thing, she hasn't known you her whole life, and I don't think she was looking at you like she thinks you're her brother. For another thing, she may not be in love with you, yet, but think about it. We both know Stone treated her like shit, then here comes a gorgeous doctor to save her from the monster. And with the way you've been looking at her… It's like you had a 'Please kiss me, Rose Tyler' sign hanging around your neck. I mean, did you even explain yourself to her, or did you just bolt?"

"I, er, well, I told her I was sorry, and that I'd never take advantage of her, then I ran." He knew it hadn't been a good response to the situation, but he hadn't been able to think clearly enough to say anything else at the time. It had been enough of a battle with himself just to walk away.

"Aw, man. So, basically, the married girl of your dreams, who you've been pining over, is suddenly available and kissed you, and you rejected her."

"No! I didn't reject her! I wouldn't! But I don't want her to feel like I've manipulated her into a relationship with me. I don't want her to wake up three years from now, and find that I'm not really what she wants. Her husband died yesterday. She miscarried, after being beaten violently, the day before. A ruthless and violent man with a grudge is hunting us. How can I expect her to be ready for a relationship right now? I can't, because she isn't. And I won't be able to be casual with her, Jack."

"Listen to me, James. I don't know what she meant when she kissed you. But I can guarantee you that she saw you walking away as a rejection. So, if you want to have any chance whatsoever with her, you'd better find a way to explain yourself. And if she kisses you again, you thank your lucky stars and never let her go, you idiot! The last thing that poor girl needs is another man playing hot and cold with her. She isn't you, her mistakes aren't your mistakes, and if you want her you can't push her away! Now, come on, we have a strategy meeting to get to."

The safe house was a dingy, warehouse sized building, and the front room was the largest. In spite of that, James found that the large room was rather crowded when he and Jack entered. There were eight people he didn't know, presumably the security teams Jack's organization had sent. They looked like swat team members. Donna and Lee were there, and Donna rushed over to give him a hug when he appeared, Lee trailing more slowly behind her. He barely heard her say. "What's going on? All they would say is that it's about Harry."

He managed to say, "I'll tell you later," but most of his brain was occupied with the group of people standing on the other side of the room from him. There was an older man in striped pajamas and a blue bathrobe. That must be Howard, Jackie's boyfriend. Then there was Jackie herself. Jackie was giving him a look that wasn't exactly angry, but was almost challenging. And sitting in the borrowed wheelchair was Rose. His focus zeroed in on her as he took in her dejected posture. She sat in almost the same position she had when she had come to A&E, staring at the floor. His heart clenched painfully and he knew Jack had been right. Rose thought he had rejected her. He was an idiot. He knew, knew he had been behaving like a man in love, so it should not have shocked him that she had kissed him. He had allowed his history and his insecurity to dictate his actions and he had hurt her. He had to find a way to fix this.

He could hear Jack and River Song arguing with one of the other agents about how to distribute the team members between security and searching for Harry. But most of his concentration was taken up trying to compose a way to beg Rose for her forgiveness. He was abruptly pulled from his thoughts when she looked up from the floor and over towards the arguing agents and spoke. "If you're so sure that he's going to come after one of us, you should send Mum and Howard and I back to her house with one team and Donna and Mr. McAvoy and Dr. Noble back to his house with the other. Then, no matter which one of us he comes looking for first, you'll have people there and you probably won't even have to look for him."

She'd called him Dr. Noble. It was a form of address he heard every day of his life, but she hadn't used it since he'd brought her to his home and told her his first name. She had called Donna by her first name, but him she had called Dr. Noble. He had never known formality could be so painful. He wanted to dwell on that, because he felt like that was a very big problem. He did not want to be Dr. Noble to her, ever again. Unfortunately, the actual words she had said were an even bigger problem, because they meant that she wanted to go home, and by home she did not mean his home. She wanted to use herself as bait, and she wanted to do it in a place where he wouldn't be there to make sure she was safe.

When she spoke, the room full of people fell silent. Until river Song said thoughtfully, "That might work…"

Then James was unable to remain silent. "No. Absolutely not. You want to use me as bait, and put me somewhere Harry can find me so you can trap him, fine. But we do it in one place and we don't break up the group." He looked at Rose and wished again that he hadn't been so stupid and cowardly the night before. "I've lost most of my family to Harold Saxon and I can't sit at home while you're somewhere else, wondering when he'll get you, too."