Serenade Outtake : Dissonance

Dissonance – a musical term meaning, "Harsh, discordant, and lack of harmony. Also a chord that sounds incomplete until it resolves itself on a harmonious chord."

(Takes place immediately after Priority: Thessia)

Shepard disappeared nearly the minute they were back on the ship; noisily leaving a trail of discarded weapons and half used heat sinks in her wake. Cortez stumbled and nearly fell to the cold shuttle bay floor as the side of the Commander's favorite pistol impacted with his chest. He gaped after her, listening to the echo of her heavy footsteps as she continued her frenzied march to get away. Kaidan tried to follow, stowing his armor in the lockers as quickly as possible before sprinting after her, but she'd already slipped past the elevator doors, disappearing from view.

"Hey man," a gentle hand landed on the Major's shoulder and he turned to meet James Vega's concerned gaze. The larger man gestured towards the debris littering the cavernous room, to the closed elevator doors, and to the startled expression still frozen across Lieutenant Cortez's usually friendly face. "What happened?"

The question prompted Liara, who'd hardly moved an inch since returning to the Normandy, to slide down the side of the shuttle in a boneless heap. Kaidan's heart squeezed painfully in his chest. He scrubbed a palm across his tired face and managed to tear his eyes away from the young asari silently weeping into her knees. He met James's gaze again and hoped the Lieutenant couldn't hear the agony is his voice.

"We lost."

O

An eerie quiet assaulted Kaidan's senses as he stepped out onto the landing in front of the CO's cabin. The foreboding he felt increased exponentially when a couple of failed attempts to enter his passcode proved he was effectively locked out.

"EDI," he spoke softly into the air.

"Yes, Major." The Normandy's AI sounded uncharacteristically somber this afternoon. He supposed the news of Thessia's fall had reached the entire ship by now.

"Please open the door to the Commanders quarters," he asked as politely as possible, despite feeling rather ready to claw through the metal with bare hands.

EDI paused for half a heartbeat. "Commander Shepard has given me explicit orders not to be disturbed by anyone."

"EDI! I just need..." Stopping himself mid-tirade, Kaidan leaned his forehead into the cool metal door. He needed to take a deep breath before accidentally taking the whole damn day out on the hapless AI. "Please," he asked quietly this time. "I just want to make sure she's alright."

"You didn't let me finish, Major," she complained, the irritation in her voice sounding surprisingly human. "The Commander told me not to let her be disturbed, but I do not believe this is an order I should follow." There was another short pause. When she spoke again, her voice was very quiet. "I think she may need you very much right now."

"Thank you, EDI," he said, just as the light on the door's lock flashed from red to green. "I won't forget this."

The disturbing quiet Kaidan had felt on the landing extended well into the cabin. Despite having blissfully shared this space with Shepard for the past few weeks, it suddenly felt cold and uninviting. Swallowing the dread trying to settle low into his belly, the Major silently made his way down the short staircase and towards the person always foremost on his mind.

Commander Shepard sat motionless on the edge of their bed, the upper half of her armor haphazardly scattered across the floor. Her expensive sentry interface: instead of being perched on her deceptively delicate, freckled nose; dangled limply from her long fingers. Her light ginger hair was a mess, limply falling in clumps from its usually pristinely severe bun. There was a bloody scrape across her cheek she'd yet to clean, and some rather dark shadows under her too bright eyes. Staring intently at the wall, she didn't seem to notice as her lover knelt before her and laid a gentle palm on her armored knee.

"Shepard," he soothed. "I'm here. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about," she answered, the lack of emotion in her voice chilling Kaidan to the bone. "We lost," she continued. "People die. We move on."

"It's okay to take a moment to mourn." He told her. "You're not a machine. If you try to be one, you'll break."

"I'm fine," she said, the steel in her voice coming back full force. She brushed his hand away and popped up from the mattress so quickly, Kaidan stumbled a bit. The rest of her armor was quickly discarded to the floor as she made her way across the cabin. A moment later he heard the water turn on in their adjoining bathroom.

Not bothering to knock, he followed her inside. She'd pulled the hairpins out of her ruined bun and was brutally running a brush through the long ginger locks, periodically wetting the bristles in the steaming water she had pouring from the sink. "I said I'm fine, Kaidan," she insisted, gritting her teeth as she used her fingers to rip a particularly nasty knot apart.

The Major pulled the brush out of her hand and set it down on the sink more harshly than was strictly necessary. "Stop this." He hissed through gritted teeth.

Shepard grabbed an elastic band off the counter and, ignoring the rest of the knots for now, tied her damp hair back at the nape of her neck. "The longer we wait," she retorted, "the more people die. We've already lost enough. I don't need to waste more time by sitting here talking about my feelings."

Kaidan stared at her flushed, angry face through the steam. "You are not fine," he insisted.

"And how the hell would you know!" She all but screamed, her fists balling up as if ready to swing.

"Because I was there," he told her, reaching down to gently clasp each of her fists. "I've seen just as many worlds fall as you have. I've lost people I love over and over again. I've seen children die in the streets while they cry out for someone to help them and been powerless to do so. And after the stunt they just pulled, "he added, I hate Cerberus just as much as the reapers. I want them all to fucking die and I want them do it by my hands."

Shepard took a deep shuddering breath. "Join the club, Alenko." She managed to croak out. "What's your point?"

"My point, Commander," he told her, "is that I am most definitely not fine."

Shepard turned to face the sink, obviously pretending to ignore his words. "I'm okay," she insisted again, before leaning down to splash hot water across her face. She grimaced as the dried blood on her cheek loosened, opening the gash enough to let fresh blood spill down to her chin.

"Here," Kaidan said gently, moving to grab a bit of medigel-soaked gauze off the shelf. "Let me help."

"Ow!" she flinched as he made contact with the wound. "Just stop helping me!" she cried, her voice breaking. "I'm fine. I swear to God, I'm okay. I just need..."

Kaidan's own eyes filled with hot tears as the Commander's words trailed off into a harsh sob. She bent forward at the waist, one arm tightly wrapped around her middle, the other pressed to her mouth, desperately trying to stifle the sound of her cries. "I don't have time to..." she sobbed. "I can't..."

He was ready when her knees gave out, gently catching her in his arms and carrying her the short distance to the bed. Great, heaving sobs escaped her mouth as months of pain and stress came out in one torrential rush. He curled himself around her, tucking her face into his chest and trying to absorb some of her agony. She clutched at the front of his uniform, her whole body convulsing with each powerful cry. "I'm here," he soothed, at a loss at what else to say. "I love you."

It was some time before Shepard quieted enough for Kaidan to relax. He just laid as still as possible, holding her close and rubbing soothing circles on her back. Eventually, her breathing eased into such a deep, even rhythm, he was sure she'd fallen asleep. It was a bit of a shock when she spoke.

"All those people," she sighed, blinking back more tears. "On Earth, on Thessia, and all those desperate refugees on the citadel. So many lives have been lost already. It doesn't feel like we're making any difference at all."

Kaidan's heart ached terribly at her words. "It's not your fault," he assured her.

Shepard let out a mirthless laugh. "I've heard that before," she told him. "For some reason it never makes me feel any better."

"That's because you have such a good heart," he said, letting her hear the conviction in his voice. "There's a reason the galaxy sees you as the best of humanity."

"I don't know if I can do this anymore, Kaidan." She whispered into his chest. "Everyone is expecting me to save them, but I'm only one person and I'm so damn tired."

"You can do this," he insisted, not a doubt in his mind.

"What makes you so sure?"

Kaidan reached down to interlace his fingers with hers. "Because, you have never been just one person. There isn't a single crewmember on this ship that doesn't have your back, who wouldn't lay down their life to make sure you succeed. And there's a hell of a lot more of them out there right now, fighting right along with us."

Shepard's lips pulled into a small smile, before she snuggled more tightly into his arms. "Thank you."

"Anytime and every time," He said, leaning in to kiss her hair.

"I can't keep my eyes open," she murmured, "but there is so much to do. I have to call the Asari counselor."

"Sleep," he said, smoothing a hand across her tangled hair. "She'll still be there when you wake up." And giving her fingers a gentle squeeze, he added, "And so will I."

Author's notes:

This is one of a few outtakes I will be posting for this story. Let me know what you though. :D