200 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

A/N – Hi guys! As much as it saddens me to say this, I think this fic is over. It's been over a year, and I've already 'finished' it once, but I really want to get this over and done with now. I have two other fics that I really want to work on, and I'm not getting much inspiration from this. This is not the last chapter, but I have lost my files from a previous chapter, so this is a rewrite of Ollie, Voldemort's new Death Eater. Enjoy!

Disclaimer – As much as I wish I did, I do not own the Potterverse.

Voldemort moodily spun around in his spinny chair, unsure of what to do. Sure, he could go out a murder masses of muggles, but he had minions for that.

He sighed, wondering where all the fun had gone. Before Harry Potter, it was just about killing helpless people, having people beg at his mercy, and in doing that, also ridding the world of Mudbloods.

But then Harry Potter had been born, and suddenly Voldemort had tons of pressure placed upon his shoulders, forcing him to kill the boy – but he hadn't yet.

Voldemort frowned. It was the one thing he wanted to do on his own – kill Harry Potter. But he couldn't do even that. Sure, he had a lot of great servants – but it had been years since he had had a friend.

Voldemort stood up and made his way over to his bed, and laid his head upon his fluffy pink pillow, and just before he fell into a deep, evil slumber, he decided to go to the local newspaper the next day.

Greensdale Park seemed like a fairly ordinary muggle suburb just north of London – but it wasn't. Greensdale was a small town which was mainly populated with muggles, but had little wizards within it – except Greensdale Park. It was crawling with magical folk – dangerous magical folk.

They knew that killing the muggles in Greensdale would be far too suspicious, so they settled to just torturing them for release, using curses and occasionally rape to terrify the ordinary families, before casting a memory charm on them when they had released their anger. So for the most part, the muggles there were completely oblivious.

The Death Eater's in Greensdale Park owned muggle homes in suburban areas, which they loathed, but they mainly spent all of their time in Lord Voldemort's hidden mansion, invisible to all but those who possessed the Dark Mark, who could bring along others if needed.

Voldemort had named his mansion the 'Retreat' so that when the Death Eaters referred to it, it wouldn't be suspicious.

Greensdale residents hadn't the faintest clue about magic, and there were even dark wizards on their council. Consequently, they were able to access the Greensdale newspaper by tapping the middle page thrice, and repeating 'Master' thrice in three different sentences.

Voldemort wouldn't be so stupid to use seven.

So in the morning, Voldemort dressed in his best robes, murdered a little girl who said he was wearing a dress, alerted his Death Eaters for a mass memory charm, and arrived at the Greensdale newspaper building.

It was old, made mainly out of wood, and had three stories, only two visible to muggles. The third floor was the wizards department.

Voldemort chuckled. All of the data and records, and the ministry had never glanced at the small town twice.

"Excuse me, sir"

Voldemort turned. A petite girl was sitting at a desk, looking over some papers. "May I help you? You can't go back there without authorisation" she said, nodding towards the corridor leading into offices, and the elevator at the end.

Voldemort gave her a twisting smile that made her gulp.

"I assure you, I am plenty authorised. My name is Carter McWright. I am certain you will find me under your files"

The girl scanned the list of authorised workers.

"Do you have any ID?" she asked, finally.

Voldemort nodded, and pulled out a council ID. "I hope this shall suffice"

The girl nodded quickly. "I am sorry for the inconvenience. I am sure you understand I need to enforce the protocol though, Mr McWright"

Voldemort didn't answer her, but continued on. The wizards all used fake names in the town, knowing that if the ministry found anything remotely linked to them, they would be done for.

Entering the elevator, and tapping the up button twice with his wand, he shot up to the third level.

You could see the change instantly.

There were only two offices, and the other desks simply strewn around the room with paper stacked up on top of each other, looking chaotic. Several newspaper clippings featuring the dark arts, Harry Potter and Voldemort himself were hung on the wall along with several tester posters for future Undesirables.

Voldemort sighed contently.

"My Lord!" He looked down at a ratty looking man wearing gold chains around his neck, and was covered in black muggle tattoos. "I am honoured to be in your presence. May I help you?"

Voldemort sneered at him. "Get up. Now, you worthless worker"

Far from being offended, the newspaper worker looked delighted, and quickly got to his feet.

"What is your name?"

"Oscar, sir. But I go by Scar" Voldemort scoffed.

"Of course you do. Now, I want to see Mr Yoying"

Scar nodded enthusiastic.

"He is a busy man, my lord, but he will be thrilled to see you, your greatness blinds even the strongest of men"

Voldemort laughed. "Just show me which office it is, Oscar"

Scar turned red, and mumbled an answer.

"What?" Voldemort asked sharply. He mumbled again, and pointed towards the office on the right. He strode towards the office, and didn't bother knocking on the door.

"Hey! How many times to I have to tell you fucktards to- Oh!"

A thin man with balding hair stopped his rant as he saw just who he was shouting at.

"My lord! Oh, what an honour it is to-"

"Yes, yes, shut up" he responded, quite annoyed with the attention he was getting. "Now listen. I want to advertise"

Do YOU Have what it Takes to be EVIL?

If you think you do, and wish to join the most evil band of wizards alive, contact our Dark Lord on 1800-DEATH. That's 1800- H.

An interview will be scheduled with the Dark Lord himself.

Half-breeds, non-wizards, half-bloods, Mudbloods and others with no crime history need not apply.

Ollie smiled down at the Evil Wizarding Paper happily. Maybe this would be his chance to become a true evil-dooer!

Voldemort wiped the remaining shit off of his robes. The previous interviewee had decided to demonstrate a new curse he had invented which involved never removing the smell of shit. Voldemort groaned as he crossed out yet another name from the list.

"Come in!" He yelled miserably.

A young man with a head full of jet black hair, white white skin and purple eyes skipped into his office.

Voldemort didn't know what to say.

"Ollie Sixynines" he said helpfully, putting forth his hand.

Voldemort just looked at it.

"My middle name is Likesto," Ollie winked. "If you catch my drift, boo" wink wink.

"Er…" Voldemort replied awkwardly. "I guess that answers that question. How old are you?"

"Legally? Thirty seven. Actually? Twenty three. In the heart? Three"

Voldemort frowned and ticked unknown.

"Blood status?"

"I'm not completely sure. My mum was a bit of a whore, but she's a pureblood and doesn't remember ever being with anyone not pureblood. That being said, she's a cheap drunk"

Voldemort just stared at him for a moment.

"Alright. Um, why do you think you'd be a good Death Eater?"

Ollie shrugged. "Oh, I've had a lot of careers. I thought this could be fun"

Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "Being a Death Eater is not a career, boy. It's a lifestyle"

Ollie grinned. "Well I love life, and I love style!"

Voldemort just didn't know how to respond. At all. Except with more questions.

Voldemort burst into tears. He hadn't found a single suitable minion. Except maybe… no. no! He couldn't! Or could he…

"HELLOOOO!"

NO!

"Hi Ollie! It's spiffing to meet you, my name is Lucius!"

NO!

That insolent blonde piece of maggot feed!

"May I see our Dark Lord?" he heard Ollie ask Lucius.

Voldemort was screaming on the inside.

"MY LORD!" A voice screamed in his ear. Maybe he was screaming on the outside too. "IT'S ME! OLLIE!"

Voldemort groaned and flung Ollie off of him.

"What on earth are you doing?" he roared, but in his sleepy voice so it sounded more like a yelp. Ollie laughed.

"Good ol' Lucy told me you were getting stressed about a new recruit, so he recruited me for you. Isn't that splendid?"

Voldemort felt like tearing his hair out and screaming at the Gods'.

"Now, what would you like me to do first? Murder a muggle? Kidnap a squib?"

Voldemort was speechless, but slightly annoyed as he realised that they had been pretty slack lately. "Well, um. As I need you in my inner circle, you will need to follow me around for the next few days"

Ollie's face stretched into a long, wide grin.

"AGGGGHHHH!" Voldemort screamed. Never in a million years, had a future inner-circle Death Eater done this.

He had been peacefully sleeping, before the snipping of scissors abruptly woke him. Then he found his nightie pulled up to his thighs, and Ollie between his legs.

"WHAT THE CODSWALLOP IS THIS?! ? ? !?" Voldemort screamed, furious. Ollie had the sense to look ashamed.

"Forgive me, my lord. This is for my collection"

"COLLECTION?!"

"Of pubes" Ollie replied calmly. "I have kept some of every person who has ever stayed the night with me. I have countless number of women, whose names I can't remember, although I recall some Claire's, Bella's and Gina's"

Voldemort turned red. "SO YOU WENT WITH ME NEXT!"

Ollie nodded. "I'm not going to sleep with you. I have my sister, nana's, mothers, fathers, two brothers, three of my nieces, two of my nephews, the Malfoy's-"

"ENOUGH!" Voldemort shrieked. "GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM!"

The next night wasn't as weird, but was certainly unpleasant.

"Meow"

"Geroff"

"Meow"

"Wormtail…"

"MEOW"

"What – Ow! Bloody evil hallucinogenic- WHAT THE ACTUAL CUKF OLLIE?!"

Ollie had an evil smile on his face.

"I bought a cat!" he exclaimed.

"IT'S THREE AM!"

"I bought a cat!" Ollie repeated. Voldemort stared at him.

"Why the cukf did you buy a cat?"

"His name is Harry"

"Why?" Voldemort asked, his lack if a nose flaring.

"Why not?"

"That is my enemy's name, Ollie" Voldemort almost whispered.

Ollie's eyebrows knitted together. "Is it?"

"AVADA KENARVA!"

"MY PUBES!"

Harry gasped, sitting up in bed from the awful nightmare.

"So?" George asked excitedly, seated at the end of his bed.

"How was it?" Fred asked.

"Erm… I do not know a sufficient enough word to describe that"

Fred and George exchanged glances.

"Maybe we went too overboard"

A/N – MWHAHAHAHA!

I have no idea why I did that. Oh well. I'm going on holiday interstate to Cairns (Queensland, Australia) and Port Douglas for two weeks so I won't have my laptop with me, and of the three places we are staying, only one (the last) has wifi, so I hope to come home to lots of reviews!