Chapter 11

Those days after we had returned are still blurry in memory. The few people that knew I had been missing had no energy to be angry with me, the relief that I was alive took over and instead every one acted as if they were children deprived of their mother and attaching to the first stability they could find. I realized now what a relief me taking the throne had been, and how those years of poverty, hardship and cruelty had truly affected my people. Lucy coddled me, making sure my favourite meals were served and staying by my side from morning until night. I didn't realize how much I had missed her and what a true friend she had become until I saw her agin, tears running down her face. I felt ashamed that I had treated her like a servant before I left, reminding myself of my true humble self and the person I wanted to be towards others. Sir Norris had me doing only the most pressing chores to keep the kingdom running, and ensured me of every ones happiness as my "sickness" had subsided.

As I had felt Him slipping further away ever since we took our first step away from our cottage in the woods, his existence were slowly fading into oblivion. Left in my body was a dull pain, as if I had lost a lim but still felt its precence. I don't even remeber when the last time was that I saw him – as we entered the castle through a hidden back door and stumbled upon the kitchen the castle workers, sworn to secrecy regarding my absence, surrounded me with happy outbursts and in the commotion he some how slipped away. There was no good bye, no parting words. Not even a glance, a mutual sharing of the silent bond we had created. It was as though it never happened.

The days went on, and turned into weeks. The rumble and ruzzle of the house quieted down to its normal pace, and life and work went on. We were preparing for winter, as the days grew colder and the nights longer. Mine were filled with dreams were I chased through crowds of people, always seeing him glimpsing faraway in the crowd, but never truly reachable trough the endless streams of more and more people.

One especially cold night i woke up from one of these dreams, with a sence of burning inside me. My skin shifted from hot to cold to hot within seconds, and I felt panic well up inside me. Lucy had heard me stirring from the room were she slept next to mine, and walked trough the thin door that separated us. When she saw my wet pale face, eyes staring, she took a couple of steps and landend next to me. She quickly reached for a porcelain pot that housed under my bed and just caught my shoulder and arm, supporting me as I emptied my stomach into the pot.

I was shivering, and Lucy helped me to lay down. My stomach was cramping, but I felt calmer after taking a few deep breaths and Lucy went to get some tea from the kitchen. She quickly returned with the hot brew and sat down on the bedside helping me rise a bit. "This'll settle your stomach milady. It's ginger root with honey and a pinch of horse mint" I reached my lips to the cup and drank the hot sweet liquid eagerly. It was truly delicious, and I felt sleepy again, and fell back towards the pillows. When I awoke Lucy were still in the room, but the horrid smell of vomit had gone, replaced by a faint waft of perfume."Tis almost morning, milady, but you sleep as long as you need. I'll make sure the remaints of last nights dinner is tossed out, just in case. However… " she paused, looking away. "What is it Lucy?" I asked, feeling a twinkle of curiosity. "Surely, tis nothing milady." I sighed and looked at her face for a while. She got up to leave, but i could tell something was bothering her and as I felt my strenght coming back quickly, I carefully sat up on the bed and addressed her

"Lucy, stop this *milady* nonsence for now, and talk frank. You know I don't mind that, don't you? I consider you my closest friend at this point and no one ever tells me what they're thinking any more. Are you one of them? Please, just tell me what is on you mind, nothing you could say would change anything between us" She stopped her walk towards her room, and turned around as I talked. She draw a deep breath. "It's nothing really. You are probably still under a lot of stress since the time you spent away. It's just, you haven't had your monthly bleed since you returned and we've gone through both full and crecent moon. Or might I just have missed it, and you left your linen to some other maid? I do not wish to imply anything, I just was saying. You might be ill in some way more serious than just a touch of unset stomach." She lowered her eyes as she had finished. The unspoken understanding of what kind of illness she really meant laid between us. As I though back, I knew she was right. There had been no bleed, and weeks had passed since I came home. She could not even mouth the sin that she obliquely insinuated. It would be the highest of insult to assume sucha a thing in me, the queen, however she was the only person who saw the truth in front of her and she was brave enough to speak it. This disregard of the rules of conduct made my heart swell, and I got up from the bed and embraced a chocked and nervous Lucy who did not understand the meaning of this sudden affection.

"I might be with child", I said as I parted from her body. "Milady, no! Could you tell me what happened?" My heart sank to the depth of my stomach and I lead her to the bed and soberly told her a shortened version of what had happened in the woods. I could not bring myself to describe anything in lenght, lingering on any detail made my throat close and my voice disappear. There were no words to fully grasp it, nothing that could paint the picture colorful enough.

"You have much love for him, I can tell. Well, milady,it might not be pretty but even though we pretend to keep our virtue, to remain in innocence for our future husbands, women in all societies, queens as well as peasants have carried children not inteded to be brought into the world. Tis not the end of things, we can surely think of something". I felt a great gratitude towards this woman, my sister and friend, who handed me no judgement but compassion. I said what I felt was in my heart: "I need to see him. "

"Tonight. I'll help you. Now get out of bed, we have a day of work to get to"

That day the hours went by slowly. For the first time in weeks I directed my focus towards my own body – sensing the difference I had until this day denied. Lucy had told me that my body would change, but ut would be several months before any one could really be sure from my shape that anything was different. This was comforting. Growing up without a mother and no women to confide in I had little knowledge of these things that Lucy, with her three sisters, had grown up learning. A lingering dizzyness accompanied me throughout the morning, but it got better as the day grew on. Lucy later told me that it was somehting to be expected at least in the early weeks. I noted that my chest clearly filled up a dress that used to hand loosely around my slim frame. My dark hair glistened, my skin was paler. When darkness begun to fall I was no longer in doubt – It was clear in my mind. This realization shocked me, because a small twinkeling warmth begun to grow in my heart. This was a person, a life inside me that we had created. Half of me and half of him. In a way this was some kind of reminder that our union had happened, that it did not vanish into nothing.

When the house settled down for the night Lucy and I got to work. She dressed me in some of her clothes, covered my raven hair with a scarf and we hurried down the corridors masked as two house keepers heading home from a hard days work. Lucy knew the area of town were the huntsman would live, according to his standing. We carefully avoided meeting townspeople, walking down small paths, and turning around at the sight of people. After an hour or so she said that we were in the right district of town, however she did not know wich house were his. We had to ask someone. An old woman throwing out trash in her backyard looked harmless, and Lucy asked for the huntsman. The old woman gave her the directions and we headed further down the path, ending up at a lonely solid stone house with a sad looking rose bush climbing up the side. I went to knock, but Lucy held me back, hiding me behind a tree and went herself to the door. I felt ridiculus standing there hiding, but I realized it was to make sure we were at the right house.

When I heard his voice as he answered the door my heart almost stopped. I had not thought of all the feelings that would rush back seeing him again, I had worked mechanically towards just getting to this point. I did not know how I was goin to tell him why I had come. Suddenly Lucy turned up at my side. "He's waiting for you. I'll spend the night at my mothers – it's not too far from here, and I'll come get you before day breakes. I left word with one of the other maids before we left, Anna. I trust her completely. In case we are late she'll know what to do to distract the household". She gave me a loook filled with meaning, and

turned around leaving me alone beside the tree.

As I walked up on the path he stood in the open door waiting. It was too dark to see his face, and that might be the only thing keeping me walking. He let me in, carefully closing the door behind me and bolting it shut with a thick piece of wood. On a small table by the door were an oil lamp, and he grabbed it leading me into the next room.