Chapter 10

The Art of Running Forward

I was spared the awkward necessity of seeking Leah out on my own and explaining my strange behavior by Emily announcing a dinner party at her house the next night. Now, I'm not really sure why she felt the need to call it a dinner party, because the whole pack ate dinner at her house almost every night anyway, but I wasn't going to question it.

Emily had cooked enough food to feed the entire population of China, so of course it was gone in about thirty minutes. After dinner everyone just kind of wandered around the house, aware that there must be a purpose for the party but not quite sure what it was. I just hovered a few feet away from Leah the entire time, watching her out of the corner of my eye and quickly looking away every time she glanced over. Before long Emily and Sam came to the center of the room, Sam clearing his throat loudly until he had the attention of the pack.

"You're probably wondering why we called you here today," Sam said, a smile playing along his lips.

"We actually, um, we have an announcement," Emily smiled up at Sam, taking his hand and squeezing it. "I've been feeling a bit off lately, and recently Sam and I went to the doctor, and he said- well, he said I'm pregnant!"

The whole room exploded into laughter, clapping, and congratulations, and I joined in a few seconds later after I realized it was apparently a cause for celebration. Leah maneuvered her way through the crowds, grabbing Emily and pulling her into a tight hug.

"I'm so happy for you," Leah whispered into her neck, pulling back to beam at her with slightly watery eyes. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"We want it to be a surprise," Emily smiled, looking down and rubbing her belly fondly. "But, more than anything, we want you to be the godmother. If you would."

"Of course," Leah choked out, drawing Emily back into one last big hug before letting the rest of the pack crowd around her. She stood against the wall for a moment, watching Emily as her smile wavered, and then quickly turned and went to the door, quietly slipping out.

I waited only a few moments to congratulate Emily before I hurried after her, following Leah's scent out the door and down the street. I found Leah on the beach, staring at the water with her hands clasped around her knees and her expression stoic. "Go away," she said as I approached, still not looking up.

"I just came to talk."

"God, can't you take a hint? Can't you get it through your impossibly thick skull that I'm not interested?"

"I said talk. If I came here to seduce you I would have brought roses and wine."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"Most people don't at first, but I have a habit of growing on people."

"I don't need you to comfort me, or whatever you're trying to do, okay? I'm fine."

"I never said you weren't."

"Well you're all thinking it!" Leah threw her hands up in the air in frustration. "You think I don't notice all the sad looks, like I'm made of glass and about to break at any minute? 'Oh, be careful not to mention babies, or imprinting, or marriage, or anything to do with being a woman around Leah. The poor girl can't handle it.' I know I'm a freak; I don't need everyone tiptoeing around me."

"Who said anything about that?"

Leah finally turned to face me, glaring as if she could incinerate me with her gaze alone. "Even you're not that big of an idiot, Bryce. There's no sign of me imprinting any time soon, and I can't remember the last time I had my period. You really think a baby is in the picture?"

"Why do you even want a baby?" I demanded, moving to sit next to her in the sand.

Leah snorted in disgust. "Of course you wouldn't understand."

"No, really. Having me is what ruined my mother's life. She could have been so much, but instead she got stuck having to marry my dad and working as a laundress just to scrape by. How are babies possibly worth the trouble?"

Leah looked at me disbelievingly. "You think I wouldn't give anything to have a baby? The feeling of carrying a life inside you, bringing a child into this world? But I don't even get that choice, because I'm a freak. Not that it would ever happen, because everyone knows I'm never going to imprint."

"So what? Imprinting is just a shortcut, anyway. You don't need some freaky supernatural sign to tell you if you love someone."

Leah's mouth twisted into a bitter smile. "I thought that at first, too. Who needs imprinting when love is enough? But we all saw how well that works out after what happened between Sam and me. I thought that was love, but obviously not. And now the rest of the pack has to deal with my pain. I know what they think of me. I might not be in love with him anymore, but I still love him, and they all have to deal with my inability to get over it."

"You loved him," I said quietly. "And then the universe decided to intervene and he fell for your cousin. And that was really shitty of the universe."

Leah sighed, staring straight ahead. "I don't need your pity."

"Good, because you're not getting it. I don't want to tell you it will all be okay and kiss it better; I just want to kiss you in general."

"I can't tell if you're trying to comfort me or come on to me."

"I find that a combination of the two works best."

Leah stood up abruptly, brushing off her jeans and holding out her hand to me. "I'm not going to spend my whole night pouting. Come walk with me."

I followed her obediently, stooping down to grab a rock and flicking it into the ocean as we walked.

"That was weak," Leah laughed.

"Oh, you think you can do better?"

"I know I can," Leah smirked, snatching up a smooth stone and expertly throwing it into the water. The stone skipped at least eight times before it disappeared, and Leah turned to me with raised eyebrows.

"You just got lucky," I grumbled, grabbing another stone and trying again.

"You can't possibly be trying," Leah snorted.

"Look, we're not all werewolves with super strength, okay?"

"You're a vampire. And as much as I stand by the fact that shifters are stronger than leeches, my powers don't exactly give me advantages in skipping stones."

"I just need to warm up," I said quickly, and started to try again.

Now, I'm not saying that Leah is better at skipping stones than me, but on that particular night I might have been a little off my game and the wind conditions worked in her favor. We spent about fifteen minutes silently throwing rocks before Leah spoke again.

"Thanks for talking to me."

"You know I value every moment I'm in your presence."

"Ha ha, you're hilarious. But seriously. It was nice to have someone to unload all of my problems on."

"Hey, we all have things we need to get off of our chests."

"And what about you? Do you have anything you regret?" Leah asked.

My grip on my current stone increased, and I heard a loud crack as the rock began to crumble beneath my fingers. I quickly released it and wiped gritty remains of it off on my pants.

"Regrets? Nah, not really my thing. It doesn't go well with the whole 'soulless vampire' vibe I've got going here."

Leah raised her eyebrows and smirked. "Yeah, I can totally see how chill you are from the way you crushed that rock."

I shrugged. "I was just showing off my immense strength to a pretty girl."

Leah crossed her arms, and I could tell she wasn't going to let it go.

"Fine. Let's see…regrets. Um, I can't get any tattoos because the needles won't pierce my skin. Getting drunk doesn't really work out, even blood spiked with alcohol." I coughed and looked away. "Not that I've, um, tried. And smoking doesn't go well with the whole flammable thing."

Leah rolled her eyes again and laughed. "Oh, because you totally did all of those things before you were turned."

I pretended to look hurt. "You underestimate me. I was a real baddie."

"Oh yeah? What changed?"
I raised my eyebrows and laughed. "Seriously? I did. Specifically, my human state. Something about being almost drained of blood and turned into a monster changes a man."

"Exactly. You're not even a man anymore. You're a monster."

I shook my finger at her disapprovingly. "That, my dear, is prejudice. Don't judge people by their diets. Unless they're vegan. In that case, go all out."

"You do realize you're the vampire version of a vegan?"

"Really? No wonder I'm so annoying."

Leah smiled at that, but her expression quickly became serious again. "Really, Bryce. I've told you nearly all of my problems, what are yours?"

I shifted uncomfortably, looking everywhere but her. "I'm not really- I'm not really a share and care sort of guy."

"Neither am I, but I just spilled my guts to you."

As much as I hated to admit it, she was right. Leah had trusted me with all of her fears about imprinting and a child, and I had told her almost nothing.

"I had a sister," I said quickly before I could back out. "Her name was Calida. She was- she was probably the most important thing in my life. And- and when I changed-"

I paused, taking a deep breath despite the fact that oxygen was useless. "I was in a dangerous line of work, even when I was still human. Me and a few other guys, we were making a delivery. It shouldn't even have been that dangerous, but I guess some vamp thought we would make a tasty meal.

"It was a blood bath. I shouldn't have lived, but he got to me last and he was only half way through feeding on me when something scared him off. I still don't know what it was. I was half crazy from fear at that point, anyway, and all I could think to do was drag myself back to my apartment.

"Calida found me outside the door, passed out in a pool of my own blood. She must have- she must have thought I was possessed by a demon, or something like that. She dragged me inside, got me onto a bed and surrounded me with crosses. She tried- she tried to help me.

"It didn't really matter in the end. The moment I woke all I could think about was blood, and she- she was the closest warm body. I guess you can imagine what happened after that. I didn't even know what I was doing until after she was already gone. After that, I- well, I ran. I don't know where, or for how long, but I couldn't even look at human blood without thinking of her. Turned to hunting rats, and eventually bigger animals.

"Eventually another vampire, Freda found me. She knew what I could do before I did, and she was never one to pass up an opportunity like that. It was easy to follow her orders and not think about what I had done, and I stayed with her for nearly half a century. I still didn't feed on humans, but I can't tell you how many vampires I killed for her. I'm no where close to a good man, Leah, and I'm not going to pretend that I am."

Leah stared at me silently for a moment. "You killed your sister."

"Yeah," I said quietly, my voice almost breaking. "It was my job to take care of her, you know? But I managed to screw that up, too."

"You didn't know what you were doing."

"I'm not blaming myself for the moments after I changed. I'm blaming myself for the hundreds of little choices that brought me to that moment. All the things that led to me being on that delivery, for the decision to crawl back to the apartment, for not teaching her to defend herself."

"You really think she could have defended herself from a vampire? From a newborn? I'm not sure any human would have been able to do that, let alone a little girl."

"She shouldn't have had to protect herself! I was supposed to protect her!"

"Yeah? You think you're the only one who's killed a family member?" Leah demanded. "My father died because of me. My little brother lost his dad and any chance of a normal life when I phased!"

"But you didn't kill your father! Everything that happened to you was out of your control, and no amount of preparation could have changed what happened to you."

"That doesn't make it any better! I've spent years trying to come to terms with what happened, and if there's one thing I figured out, its that blaming yourself only makes things one hundred times worse. I was so caught up in my own pain that I didn't take the time to realize what I still had: my brother and mom. I nearly lost them, too, because I couldn't see beyond my guilt."

"But you got better," I insisted. "You learned from your mistakes; you became stronger from them. But that's the thing, Leah; I didn't. I just found some other psychopath to follow, and pretended that I wasn't guilty of killing people because she told me to do it. But I did kill people, Leah, even if they were vampires, even if I didn't use my own hands to do it. I told them to tear each other apart, and then stood back and watched. I know what I am, and it's not something that deserves redemption."

"But you stopped, didn't you? You must have gotten out, or you wouldn't be here today."

"I ran away from Freda. But that doesn't mean I'm not still under her control. I murdered for her; I gave her everything, and that kind of stain doesn't just go away. I'm still running."

"So stop!" Leah said sharply. "You're always talking about accepting who you are, about not caring what others think. You never let what others think affect you, Bryce; you've got that part down. But you've got to forgive yourself. How are you ever supposed to stop running if the real person you're running from is you?"

"What makes you think I deserve to stop running?"

"Look, I'm not some sort of saint. So if you're looking for some sort of relief from me, a reassurance that you deserve forgiveness, or an almighty decree that everything's going to be alright, I can't give it to you. All I know is you make me smile, and we've both done horrible things, but maybe that's not the most important thing. I can't be the forgiveness you're looking for, because only you can provide that. But I can tell you that I believe you are worth saving."

The words came out in a rush, and as soon as Leah finished she looked away, still barely willing to admit that she had said them. But she had said them, and she had been right. For so long I had been running away. Running away from my father, what I did to Calida, what I did for Freda. Now, for the first time in forever, I felt like I was running towards something.