"When we're little we're encouraged to life our lives in fairytales. Lights that sparkle in colours beyond imagination, nights that go on forever, and magic that tingles from the tips of your fingers to deep down places inside of you that no one will ever go. What sane person would want to leave that world? What sane person would want to live in a world of boundaries, and cruelty and mortality? I know I never did. And so I lived my life in fairytale. A Never Never Land of endless possibility. That was my only salvation. The only peace, the only quiet from the constant screaming and rushing of my mind. That and bourbon. Oh go on, laugh you bunch of miseries….."
"It's okay, it's okay Dad you can do it….." coaxed Kathleen, rising from her seat and moving to the front of the church to stand beside her father as his voice began to break.
"The only problem was I was alone there. In that magic place. In that daydream of my greatness. I couldn't bring my husband there. I couldn't bring my son. While you were little, dear Elliot, we could pretend and it was so wonderful. I could be the mother you always wanted me to be until you grew old enough and smart enough to realise the truth. That I wasn't strong enough to face reality. I wasn't strong enough to wake from dreaming and accept that to live in your world with you I needed to talk to the doctors, take the pills, fight the fight like my brave little warrior Katie. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. For that I will never atone."
"I can't….." rushed Elliot, screwing up the papers in his hand and making a desperate dive toward the aisle. Rushing from the church he left jaws gaping among the mourners, and Kathy and Olivia staring at one another in a helpless lockout.
"Every day I would stand looking out at the ocean and know that it was waiting for me…." came the voice that turned heads back to the altar as Kathleen stood beside her grandmother's coffin and read on where Elliot had been unable, "…. that magic place. The sanctuary and the sparkles and the absolution. The place where I'd be free. The forever without walls and chains and pills and the feeling like there is just never enough air. There's just never enough air my darling and it's suffocating me. This life is suffocating me and so I'm going to swim away. I'm going to swim until I can breathe again. I love you Elliot. I love you more than you or I will ever know. My boy, my son: the greatest man I never knew…."
"That was beautiful, honey." Smiled Kathy Stabler through stifled tears as she encouraged Kathleen back to her seat.
"That was Grandma." Came the stoic reply as by far the strongest of the Stabler siblings clutched her paternal grandmother's last words to the world.
"Well this is awkward."
"Thanks John, thanks for that….." snarled Fin, shooting his partner a sharp warning stare, "… you're really helping grease the wheels on this thing."
"The four of us all back here like one big happy family. All we need now is Benson and Stabler and it's just like old times….." and then gesturing to Amaro and Rollins perched on the ends of their desks Munch added with a wry smile, "… well a hybrid of the good old days with you two here I guess."
"Are we actually going to do any, you know, police work today?" asked Nick Amaro, returned from his prolonged absence with a fresh determination to remain focused, engaged and most importantly detached from the complex web of interpersonal relationships gripping the 16th precinct. At the very least he was determined to ignore the obvious tension between Detectives Tutuola and Rollins, "Or just sit around here chewing the cud?"
"We're still no closer to finding out who raped Harley."
"We would be if she'd just start talking….." replied Fin, turning to Amanda and trying desperately to pretend she was just any other detective and not the woman he'd spent the past week enjoying on every surface of his apartment, "… she knows exactly who he is."
"She knows at least enough to ID him that's for sure…." nodded Rollins, tapping a pencil against her thigh and finding it torturously difficult not to see Fin's hands as implements of bliss and not simply jointed appendages on the end of his arms, "….you think we should have one last crack at her before she's discharged from the hospital?"
"If Liv couldn't break her then….." proffered Munch with a mildly defeatist sigh.
"Benson isn't the be all and end all of his freakin' unit…." prickled Rollins, grabbing her coat and slapping Amaro on the shoulder, "…. grab your keys Nicholas we're going over to Mercy."
"We'll canvas the area around her apartment…." smiled Fin delighting to see Amanda's claws come out. Though there was nothing in his entirely platonic relationship with Olivia for her to be threatened by he did so enjoy her marking her territory. There was more than one big cat in the squad now and Rollins was not about to be treated as second rate.
"You know he's been in there all morning with The Woodentops….." leaning back in his chair to get a better view of Cragen's office Munch asked, "… anyone got any theories to offer?"
"Routine meeting?" offered Amaro as he put his coat on.
"Cragen's hiding something that's for sure….." flashing an uneasy glance at Amanda there was something in Fin that sensed all was not as it seemed, "…. he's been dancing around giving me a straight answer all week."
"Right enough chit chat we're hitting the road. Don't strain yourselves while we're gone will you fellas?" interrupted Rollins, putting an end to Munch's musing as she scooped up Amaro and propelled him toward the door.
"It was a beautiful service Kath."
"Thank you, thanks, it really was."
"Give my best to Elliot and the children?" said the pointy faced woman whose very round spectacles were from another time. Patting Kathy's arm repeatedly she flashed a pitying smile and shook her head from side to side, "He's a good man your husband. Bad things always happen to good people but it's a comfort he has a strong woman like you to get him through this."
"She's just old and mad as a hatter…." came a quiet little voice from beside Olivia as she hung back at a distance while Kathy and the children stood at Bernie's open grave, "…take it from someone who's a good judge of crazy and ignore her."
"You're not crazy, sweetheart." It was the first time Olivia had used any kind of affectionate term toward any of Elliot's children since she had become more than just his policing partner. She probably wouldn't have had it been Maureen or Lizzie she had found standing beside in the Fall chill.
"Like grandmother like granddaughter."
"Your grandmother was loved very much by every single one of these people here….." replied Olivia with a composed calm, "….old, mad, sane, insane….." and then unable to be anything but herself she couldn't help but flash a wry smile, "…. homewrecking."
"You're going for the humour?" noted Kathleen with a warm smile in return. "That's brave, detective."
"Not so brave….." widening her eyes and giving Kathleen's shoulder a playful poke Olivia arched a brow and added, "….only with you."
"Why me?" genuinely curious Kathleen stepped a little closer to the woman who would soon by law be her step mother. Then, when she knew her mother and siblings were out of ear shot added with an impish grin, "Because I'm not a smart ass like the other three brainiacs? I'm less likely to claw your eyes out for mom?"
"You think with your heart." Said Olivia, having somewhere along the line lost her ability to sugar coat and in all the sadness and tragedy of the day felt the need for a raw honesty. "It's not all about grades Kathleen."
"Maureen is working on her masters, Lizzie has the highest GPA in her class and my brother got into Brown. In my family it really is. I suppose I should be grateful though….." shrugging sadly Kathleen sighed, "…there's less pressure when no one ever expected anything from you in the first place. It's impossible to disappoint people that way."
"Colours beyond imagination? Nights that go on forever? And the magic that tingles from your fingertips? If one ever expected anything from you Kathleen then they're idiots…." turning to an awestruck Kathleen deep brown eyes, profound and bottomless stared intently.
"No one ever noticed me." It was as if for the first time, there in the grief struck quiet of a graveyard in Queens a connection was forged stronger than either woman was yet able to comprehend. Bernie's words has resounded deeper in Olivia than simply being those of Elliot's mother. She could feel Serena. She could see her in Kathleen's eyes: a woman with more life than life was able to handle. "And when they did it was only because I went crazy."
"You didn't go crazy you just…."
"You were there Olivia, you saw."
"You want to know what I see?" challenged Olivia quickly, turning away from the grave site and talking with that profound ability to empathise than had gotten her so many confessions over the years.
"Not really."
"I see the endless possibility that Bernie could never stay on her meds long enough to realise."
"You think you can get someone to watch the babies Tuesday night?" said Kathleen suddenly, having stared at the older woman for far too long to still be comfortable. There was something about Olivia. Something she could neither describe or explain, but it was a magnetism stronger than any fading resentment for the breakdown of her family.
"I can try….." frowning slightly Olivia asked curiously, "… why?"
"I have a ticket to this thing. It's stupid really. I just can bring one person and I thought if you were free….."
"If you want to go it's not stupid….." exhausted by the constant barrage of Kathleen's self-deprecation Olivia was determined, if nothing else, to convince her she was every bit as smart as her siblings, "….and I'll see what I can do."
"You still got the same cell number we used to text when we were younger?" asked Kathleen, reaching into her pocket and pulling out her phone. "Only mine's changed so I'll text you my new one…." and then almost as though she had to justify the steady weaving of a deeper connection between them Kathleen added, "… just so you have it."
"Okay."
"So my mom and Maureen are going out of their minds over there because dad isn't answering his phone…." though she carefully maintained a casual tone it was clear that Kathleen was equally concerned, "…. do you think they're right to freak out? Do you think he's okay?"
"I think he's an ass for making you kids worry about him today of all days…" sighed Olivia, knowing that the last thing the elder Stabler children needed in the wake of their grandmother's suicide was their father disappearing, distraught, and without a trace, "…. but he'll call when he's ready for company."
"How do you know that? How can you be sure he's okay?"
"I can't be sure any more than anyone can be sure of anything, but I trust him. I trust that he just needs to go off and be mad as hell for a few hours, punch anything he comes into contact and be on his own for a while. I'll go pick him up later."
"Pick him up?" asked Kathleen, sensing the true reason for Olivia's composed calm. "Wait…." narrowing her eyes and realising that the relationship this woman had with her father was nothing like the one she had witnessed him share with her mother, "… you know where he is don't you?"
"I know where I usually go looking when he needs finding."
"Grandma was right."
"Right about what?" asked Olivia, rubbing her hands together against the biting cold.
"You get him."
"Elliot?" of course Elliot, but somehow it felt Olivia feel better to clarify as she attempted to read Kathleen's almost mesmerized gaze in her direction.
"She said that she stopped worrying about my dad the first time she heard him talk about you and she knew his marriage to my mom was over the day she met you at the beach. She said you understand him in a way that she never did….." and then with forgiveness in her eyes Kathleen acknowledged, "…. in a way that no one else ever could."
"What your dad and I did was wrong and that won't ever change….." and then because it needed to be said, just one more time before they were able to even think about moving on Olivia added, "… and I won't ever stop being sorry."
"What you and dad did saved his life….." she had the kind of spirit that comes just once in a generation, and Kathleen had that same wilful fire in her eyes that Olivia often feared in Eve's, "…. and I won't ever stop being grateful."
"Fin isn't working Tuesday….." said Olivia with a determined smile, "….you tell me when and where and I'm there."
"I'm drunk."
"I can see that."
"I can't remember where I parked my car."
"I'm glad."
"My mom is dead….." trembling at first Elliot's whole body shivered into wracking sobs as he slumped down against the bar and allowed his forehead to hit the oak with a thud, "… my mom killed herself."
"I know babe….." tapping lightly at his shoulder and sliding in close Olivia waited a second for him to respond before gathering him in her arms and hugging him tight, "…. I know."
"I gave up on her….." came the muffled sound from somewhere buried deep in her shoulder as she stroked at the thinning hair on the back of his head and repeatedly kissed at his temple, "….and she knew it."
"She knew you loved her. She knew she never made it easy but you loved her anyway….." squeezing him even tighter Olivia leant in to his ear and whispered, "… and she loved you Elliot, so very, very much."
"Promise me you won't give up on me?" he slurred, sobering enough to lift his head from her shoulder and stare her deep in the eyes. "No matter how much of a pain in the ass I am, how angry I get or how drunk I come home you won't ever give up on me?"
"Sure, sure no matter how much of a pain in the ass you are I won't give up on you."
"Are you just saying that because I'm drunk and you want me to get in the car?" he tested, knowing her all too well. "Because I know you used to lie to your mom all the time to get her to do what you wanted when she was….."
"Elliot!" giving him a forceful shove toward the bar Olivia's eyes blazed wild and burnt by his words.
"Promise me you're not ever gonna give up on me?"
"I already…." she began, before softening her gone and relaxing her stance, "….are you ever gonna give up on me?"
"No, no not even when you're really grouchy and you make me put all the lids back on things and when you…."
"As fun as this is how about we go home and….."
"Marry me?" said Elliot, grabbing at her upper arms and using her to steady himself as he rose from the bar stool he'd been perched on.
"Okay buddy you might not remember it right now but we already did this once. You already asked me and I already said yes which is why I'm stood in a dive bar trying to haul your drunk ass into my….."
"No, no not just someday, not just sometime in the future. Marry me today, marry me tomorrow, marry me soon. Marry me as soon as we can get a church and a white dress and red roses and…."
"A church? A white dress? Red roses?" challenged Olivia, pausing for a beat between each so that she could look him square in the eye and reminder her just exactly who she was and how every single one of the things he had listed was a discussion yet to be had.
"Okay so we've got some things to talk about first but….." stumbling over the words for a few moment, he simply stared her at her with a simple, helpless love and shrugged, "… but you're the sparkles."
"What?"
"The quiet place where the screaming stops….." drunk or not she didn't care because so rare was it that Elliot bore his soul in such a way and she could see past his eyes and into the man behind them, "….that's where you are."
"I love you and I won't ever give up on you….." reaching her hands to his face and cupping his jaw lightly Olivia leant forward and kissed his whiskey lips with a lingering reassurance, "…. I promise."