A/N - So this is the end. If you've been reading since the beginning and have stuck with it to the end, thank you so much. I apologize for taking so long to finish, but at least I did, right? I wanted Sara to have some hard times so she could come through it all a better, stronger person. I hope that comes through in this chapter. "The One That Got Away" is still my favorite fic that I've ever written, so it's a little sad that this chapter means the end for these two AU babies of mine. Thanks to GSFanatic for the beta and for never letting me give up on this story. Also, not to beg or anything, but I've noticed the last chapters of my fics don't get a lot of reviews, which is a bummer. If you're reading the epilogue and have enjoyed (or haven't enjoyed) the story, please leave me a note to let me know. Any feedback, good or bad, is always appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Christmas Eve, 2009
It is a beautiful winter evening. A bit chilly, somewhat overcast, the mountains a beacon in the background. I haven't missed this glitzy, glamorous town at all, but I have missed the people who inhabit it. That is why I'm sitting in my car in front of the Las Vegas Crime Lab. It looks so familiar to me, and yet completely foreign at the same time. I could turn around and wait for Gil at home-I still have my key. But he doesn't know I'm here yet, and I want to surprise him in his natural habitat.
I've burned my bridges in this town and I have no idea what the reception of my return will be. I take a few deep breaths, turn off the Clash CD I've been listening to in the car, and get ready to face the music.
The first person I see in the lab is, of course, Judy. Her face lights up, which makes me smile. "Hi, Sara! It's so good to see you!"
"Good to see you, too, Judy," I say. "How have you been?"
"Pretty good," she said. "I was dating this musician for a while, but he stole all the lamps in my house and I haven't heard from him since."
I laugh. Judy and I have gone to lunch a few times and talk always inevitably turns into the worthless men she dates. I enjoy hearing her stories, since I've never had much of a dating life. I'm more of a long-term relationship kind of a girl, as my track record indicates.
"Well, good luck with that," I say. "Is Grissom around?"
"He's in his office," she says. "Do you want me to let him know you're here?"
"No, thanks," I say. She nods and gives a conspiratorial wink.
As I walk through the halls that I know so well and have, up until now, taken for granted, I wonder what my future will bring. Will I be accepted back into the lab and into my old job, or does my abrupt departure last month assure that I will not be afforded that opportunity? Do I even want to go back to the lab? After how far I've come, do I really want to insert myself back into a life that is full of death? For once, I let my future hang in the balance. For once, I recognize the beauty in not knowing what will happen next.
One by one, I pass my former co-workers in the hall. They all give me huge smiles and hugs and want to know where I've been. Nick gives me a high-five. Greg gives me a borderline inappropriate kiss. Warrick hugs me, but has a barely-disguised look of worry. I know he's concerned for Catherine. I want to tell him that I'm okay now; that I'm not the same person who said those horrible things to his wife not even all that long ago. But I know words won't fix the past. Only actions can, and that comes with time. It is yet another lesson I've allowed myself to learn.
It seems like the person who's happiest to see me is Jim. Before I left, I had no idea of how close I'd grown to him, and when he hugs me and holds on for dear life, a rush of emotions run through me and I have to bite my lip to stop the tears from coming.
"It's so good to see you, Sidle," he says. "We've missed you around here. How are you feeling?"
I know I'm going to be getting that question a lot. I smile and say, "I'm good, Jim. I'm feeling good."
"Does he know you're here?"
"He knows I'll be here soon, but not exactly right now."
"Ah, the surprise attack. We all know Gil loves surprises, right?"
We share a chuckle. I'll have to work on that. I know I've thrown a number of surprises on my husband in the past couple of months. Not that I ever wanted our life together to become predictable, but I do want to make it more stable.
"Well, you look good, Sidle. I hope you're back for a long time."
I give him another hug before I continue my journey through the lab. Inevitably, it's not long until I run into Catherine. She doesn't look surprised. I'm sure Warrick has notified her of my presence. However, she only looks happy to see me. At least, she appears to be, anyway.
"Hi, Catherine," I say, trying to sound as good as I feel. "You look great. How's Sam?"
I thought I'd just put it out there right away, put the awkwardness into the air before it has time to fester.
She smiles warmly and takes my hand. "She's great, Sara. She cries all the time and she poops even more than she cries, but she's our little girl. You should come see her when you can."
"I want to," I say. "Maybe for New Year's, I'll come by and see her."
It is this moment that she takes to carefully, subtlety look me over like everyone else has. I know she's wondering how it took me less than 2 months to get myself together. How stable am I, really? Should everyone still walk on eggshells around me? This will probably last for a while; at least until I prove myself again. And I'm okay with that. I am, after all, the one who walked out on everything I knew with no explanation.
"I'm okay, Cath," I say quietly. "I know I have a lot to work on, and I'm getting there. I'm sorry about what I said to you. It's unforgiveable."
"You were grieving," she says. "I understand. I'm just glad you're back, and I hope you can find peace for yourself in Vegas. Because Grissom is a mess without you, and the lab is a mess without him."
We nod, and move on. She goes one way, I go another. Someday we will hug again. Someday we'll be back to that unspoken bond we had before I crossed the line. But for now, this is how it has to be.
Moments later, I'm finally outside Grissom's office. His door is closed, which is most unusual. He has always maintained an open door policy with his employees and contemporaries. While I'm contemplating this, Hodges walks by and senses my confusion.
"Hi, Sara, good to see you again," he says with a surprising genuineness.
"Good to see you, too, Dave," I say.
"I see you found the closed door. Ever since, well, you left the lab, he's been closing it often. Some people think he's crying in there. But if I know him, and I believe that I do, I think he just wants some quiet time to think. He's a lot like me in that respect."
I find it hard not to roll my eyes at this. Instead I say, "Well, thanks, Hodges. I'll see you later?"
"Oh, yeah, sure..." He says, clearly hurt that I didn't invite him in there with me. He walks away slowly, tail between his legs. I can't help but chuckle to myself.
After a few more seconds of gathering my thoughts, I knock on his door. His simple "Come in" already has me smiling as I walk through his door. I've missed his voice. I've missed his bewitching blue eyes. I've missed almost everything about my husband. I think I've even missed the bugs.
His broad smile that appears once he sees me is exactly what I always imagined coming home to. It's so genuine and loving, and most of all, so familiar.
"Hey, honey. I didn't expect to see you today. Come here and give me a kiss." He holds out his arms for me.
I smile and make my way over to behind the desk. He pulls me down and I sit on his lap for extra kissing fulfilment. It is good to be back.
The kiss is intense and we both find ourselves wanting more, but Grissom tries hard to remain professional at the office, and I know we will make things interesting later at home. After I compose myself and sit across from him, we make small talk about my trip back. Eventually, he asks, "Do you think you found what you were looking for in California?"
I think about it for a moment, even though I am already entirely sure of my answer.
"Yes, in that I learned that I will never find what I'm looking for, as far as my father goes. Because he's dead, and our relationship is, too. But I did find out some fascinating things about him. He was an artist. He was passionate about life and art and his future once upon a time. And at some point today, I think it was on the plane, I came to an important conclusion."
Gil looks at me patiently and waits for my conclusion. I love how genuinely interested he is in the progress I've made. He is the most patient man I've ever met.
"The most important lesson I could have learned from him is not to settle. He settled because he felt it was the right thing to do after getting my mother pregnant. He was never truly happy, and as a result of that, his life became a downward spiral. And it dawned on me that I've already learned about not settling. I could have made life with Robert work, but when the opportunity to overturn my life to be with you transpired, I took it. I've already learned from his mistakes, Gil. And that is what I find most satisfying about my journey."
He smiles widely and says he's happy for me, and that it looks like I've found peace. And then he looks thoughtful for a moment. It is my turn to wait for his conclusion.
"I'm glad you figured some things out for yourself, and I know there are more things to come. I know this journey will last a long time, right?"
I nod, grateful he understands.
"But I need you to promise me something before we leave this lab today. And I need you to know something, as well."
"Tell me," I say. "Anything."
"I want you to tell me if you're ever feeling overwhelmed again. I want you to let me help you. I need you to let me help you."
I sigh. "I want to, Gil, I really do. But I had to get out of here. I didn't want you to see me like that. After losing Danny, I...I wasn't myself. I want you to see me as strong and capable, not a falling apart mess."
He reaches out and I take his hand. It's so warm. I've missed this hand.
"But what you don't understand is that I love you for the woman you are, not the woman you can be. You are everything I need, and I will be there when you need me to be. We're in this together, you and me. Just keep that in mind."
"I will keep that in mind, and I promise I'll let you help me next time."
I am overcome with love for my amazingly considerate husband. I know both of us have our share of baggage, and in former lives, maybe we weren't so understanding for our respective partners. But now, together, we make our own destinies. We are truly soul mates.
"What do you say we go home and get Christmas started early?" He asks, winking at me salaciously. I laugh.
"I don't have any presents for you, I must admit," I say.
"That's okay. You've been busy," he says. For a moment I feel bad about not having anything to offer him as a present, but we're far beyond material gifts at this point, anyway. I can't help but think that being home, enjoying the company of the man who understands me better than anyone ever has, is the best Christmas present I could ever receive.
A few hours later at home, after I've had a joyous, slobbery reunion with Hank, and after I admired the Christmas tree Gil decided on a whim to put up in the living room, and after Gil shows me exactly how much he missed me in the bedroom, we're silent laying in the afterglow. I'm close to drifting off to a peaceful sleep when Gil says, "You said on the phone you wanted to talk to me about an idea you've had. Are you ready to talk about it?"
Am I ready to talk about it? Well, I guess as ready as I'll ever be.
"Oh...yeah. Well, I was thinking about my childhood, right? And I was thinking how those first years in the system were really traumatic and scary. I was so full of anger for my family, and yet I missed them all so much at the same time. And I was thinking about our future, and Danny, and how we should honour him and how we can move on from that..."
"You want to be a foster mom, don't you?" He says softly.
"How did you know?"
"I know your heart, Sara. I know you. I know what you want, and I know ultimately what you want is to give back to kids that are going through the same thing you went through. It's one of the many reasons why I love you."
He gave me a second to process this, and then continued. "While you were gone, I obtained an application for a family home license, which is apparently the first step. I haven't filled it out yet; I was waiting for you to come home so we can do it together. I just wanted you to know that I'm on board, and I think it's the right step for us to make."
I am so amazed by this that I am speechless. How did I ever manage to find a man who was this thoughtful, this capable, this inspiring? Instead of saying anything, I kiss him. A lot. And then before we know it, round two is happening because I am not sure how else to express how grateful I am by his willingness to show me the life I always thought about having.
Later, right before my eyes close, I think about the road ahead. I know there will be challenges and problems and disasters. I know my journey to California didn't solve all my issues. But I learned things about myself and about my dad that helped give me a kind of peace that I didn't even know was possible. Things will never be easy for me, but I have recently learned, with the help of friends and family, that I will never be alone. And learning that makes the journey worth everything.
What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, - Edna St. Vincent Millay -
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.