"I hope you know me better than that." [S2, Ep5 - Caroline to Kate]

(*With thanks - and apologies - to VW, in a room of her own somewhere.)

Caroline said she would buy the flowers herself*. In fact she knew it was only if she bought them herself that they'd be...right. Celia had offered. Kate would probably have done it. But if she was entirely honest Caroline only trusted herself. She knew what they wanted. What would look best. What would complement their outfits, the rest of the decoration and decor. So here she was first thing on a Saturday morning, in town on her way to the florist.

She'd parked the car and was walking to the florist she always used. She'd bought Kate flowers there before. Kate always deserved flowers. She'd buy Kate flowers every day if she could...if Kate didn't think it was an over the top extravagance. Sometimes that's what she told Caroline. Nicely - Kate was so nice to her, so sweet - but she told her off about it nonetheless. So she limited buying her flowers to times when she could justify it. Birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations. And this. Well this would be the biggest celebration of all.

Caroline watched a group of pigeons around an abandoned burger. From the night before no doubt. They all took what they needed. Sharing without squabbling. Without even communicating seemingly. She wondered how they knew what each other wanted. How they felt.

She thought back to earlier that morning. Caroline had woken up first. Probably because she knew she needed to get to the florist early. She lay there and watched Kate sleeping, listening for a sign that Olivia was awake. No sign yet. She revelled in this time. Being with Kate. Alone with Kate.

"Are you watching me?" Kate's mumbled question without opening her eyes made Caroline smile.

"Yep."

"Stalker." Kate smiled and opened her eyes as she said it.

"Stalker?! That's quite an accusation, Ms McKenzie."

Kate grinned, "Yeah, it'd probably never hold up in court." She yawned then took on a pompous tone. "So you're saying you sleep with the accused every night Ms McKenzie? And you're planning to marry her very soon?" She laughed, "Case dismissed!" Kate stroked Caroline's cheek before leaning in for a soft kiss. When the kiss ended she drew back slightly, looking into Caroline's eyes, "Good morning."

"Good morning."

Kate snuggled into Caroline, her head on her shoulder. There was a comfortable silence, then Kate said, "I thought I might phone Richard today."

Caroline felt the stone return to settle in her chest. Granite. Unpolished, glinting with raw quartz. "Oh ok. Did he reply to your email?"

"Yes. He sounded...sad. Resigned. I just thought...if I could talk to him then I'd...be able to...Oh I don't know, make him less so. Am I being daft?"

"No, it's not daft. You're not daft. Phone him. I'm sure you're right." The stone shifted. Grew crystals; hard, jagged. "Why don't you do that this morning? I'll pop into town, see the florist."

"Oh", Kate lifted her head to look at Caroline's face. "I thought we were going to do that together."

"There's no need Kate. I can just as easily do it. And we've already discussed colours and what we want generally, haven't we?"

"I suppose so." Kate sounded quietly disappointed. "You'll let me know the final plan, once you've spoken to the florist?"

"Of course Kate! I'd hardly shut you out of something like that."

"Ok. Good." She didn't look reassured.

Caroline tried to ignore the ache in her chest. She stretched her face into a smile and kissed Kate's head.

Caroline stood on the kerb outside the florist watching taxis vying for position. She had the perpetual sense, as she watched the taxi cabs, of being out, out, far out to sea and alone*. She'd been in and she'd chatted with the florist (Sue, who'd remembered her and who was delighted that she'd been thought of for her wedding, especially as her sister was apparently gay too) but had been unable to give any final order to her. She had no idea why. But when it came to it, Caroline had been totally impotent in making a decision about the flowers. She felt like a fool. She felt lost.

She turned to walk back to the car. Tried to ground herself in feeling her shoes hit the pavement with every step she took. Her mind took her unwillingly back to that day she'd gone around to Kate's house to try one last time to apologise. She remembered walking back to her car after Kate had said, "No. Thank you." She'd felt like this then. Adrift.

"Any spare change lady?"

Caroline looked down. In a closed shop doorway sat a man with a paper plate in front of him upon which sat a few coins. He was of indeterminate age, mostly due to the fact he looked like he hadn't had a wash for several years. His eyes however were a piercing blue and seemed to look into her soul. She blinked feeling unnerved and fished in her bag for her purse, "Yes, of course. Hold on.."

"Nice ring." The man's voice was soft, non-threatening. Caroline remembered her mum cuddling her after she'd fallen over in the park one day. She could only have been about four. Celia had tried to distract her from her grazed elbow by complimenting the plastic ring she was proudly wearing. She'd told her it was a ruby and Caroline, even though she knew it wasn't, had agreed with her proudly.

"Thanks", she said to the homeless man. She touched her ring gently like it was a talisman. Totemic. Caressed the stone in passing. "I'm getting married next month." Why had she said that?

"To love makes one solitary*", the man said.

Caroline looked up sharply, "Does it?"

"So they say."

Caroline scrabbled in her purse, picked out all her loose change and handed it to him. "Who's 'they'?"

"Thanks." Their eyes connected. Caroline felt like his gaze knew her. Like she didn't have to explain or apologise. "Well, in this instance it was Virginia Woolf who said it. Whether we should be taking any notice of her of course...well, that's a different matter altogether."

"Is it?" Caroline was genuinely interested.

"It depends on whether you see her as the literary genius some say she was or just a mad old bird who drowned herself." He smiled wryly, "However, she also wrote, 'it is a thousand pities never to say what one feels*', which seems a more insightful truth to me." He paused, looking at her intently, "Don't you think?"

Caroline looked at him. Saw the truth beyond the grime of his existence. "Yes. I suppose it is."

Arriving back home, she found Kate sitting in the kitchen, drinking a cup of tea.

"Where's Olivia?"

"Celia and Alan have taken her to the park." Kate's reply was curt.

"Oh, that's nice."

"Isn't it." Icy.

Caroline had met this Kate before. She had no idea how to deal with her however. The stone in her chest threatened to obliterate all reason.

"Is there any more tea in the pot?" Caroline tried to sound breezy.

Kate ignored her. "So. Have you decided what flowers we're having for our wedding?"

Caroline recoiled from Kate's scathing tone. Tried to appease. "No, I haven't. I'd like us to make that decision together, Kate."

"Right. Of course. That's why you went to the florist on your own."

Caroline reacted as only she knew how. Serve, volley, backhand smash. Hit and it won't hurt. "Well I expect it gave you plenty of time to chat with your ex-husband. To make him feel better."

"Oh for fuck's sake Caroline! Grow up!"

The world wavered and quivered and threatened to burst into flames*. Caroline had been here before. Oh god had she been here before. She gripped the countertop. Breathed heavily. There was a gentle buzzing in her head. Felt like she might faint. The quartz twinkled temptingly. She looked up at Kate, ignoring the safety of the stone, tried to latch onto her presence instead. "Actually I'd decided to go to the florist on my own before you told me about phoning Richard." Her voice was quiet, uncertain.

Kate looked at her in astonishment. Anger barely concealed. "What!"

"Kate...please. Can I...talk to you...properly? Please?"

Kate took a deep breath. Her eyes glinted angrily, "Well it would make a bloody change."

Caroline sat down next to Kate and forced herself to look into her angry face. "Kate I...I'm not great at this...well, you know that..", she scoffed quietly, "...but I want to get better." Kate said nothing. Retained eye contact. "Right, well...I think...I think I've been scared..I am scared."

"What are you scared of Caroline?" Kate's voice calmer now, her eyes softer.

"I'm...well...ummm...I..." She took a deep breath, forced it around the stone into her lungs. "I'm scared of...not being able to control things."

Kate looked confused. "Me? You want to control me?"

"No! But...Kate, do you...want this? Do you...really want this?"

"Caroline!" Kate looked shocked. "Why are you asking? You know I do?"

"I have to...know that you're sure." Caroline looked past Kate at the wall. "I can't...I can't be in a position where I lose you...again." She swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump of molten hurt that was rising in her chest towards her throat. "If...you're not sure then please just tell me now."

"Caroline. Apart from anything else, do you think I would've let it go this far if I wasn't fully committed?" She looked at her, her expression clear, open. "I hope you know me better than that."

"I think I do." Caroline's voice was quiet.

"You do, Caroline. You know you do." Kate reached out and cupped Caroline's chin, forcing her to make eye contact.

Caroline felt the stone crack. The fissure was clean and smooth. No splinters, no flints. The crack led into another crack and another until the stone broke into small pieces that crumbled into dust and then disappeared.

Fear no more, says the heart...*