As a warning, this chapter is going to contain various sensitive and potentially triggering subjects, described in some level of detail. Please be aware of that if you continue reading.
Kylo stood awkwardly by the entrance to her living room, not saying anything. He looked pale and almost like he was about to be sick, lips pressed together in a tight line.
"Want me to make some tea?" Rey offered gently.
He shook his head, dark hair shining in the light. "No, thanks. Could we just sit down?"
Rey nodded, leading him over to the couch. She took one end, sitting down and facing him with her legs curled underneath her, while he took the other. He placed his elbows on his knees, hunching over slightly like he was bracing himself. His face was mostly hidden behind his hair and hands, something that felt very intentional. She could see his ribs expanding underneath the fabric of his shirt as he took deep breaths.
"I've never talked to anyone about this," he finally said, voice low and rasping.
"I understand," she told him. It had taken her years to work up the courage to go see a therapist and even then, there were things she couldn't share. Things she hadn't even told Finn, her closest friend.
The fact that he was actually here, in her apartment and ready to share his story, it felt surreal. Though she had tried to be optimistic, a part of her really hadn't expected him to show up.
She didn't want to feel happy right now, not when he was in so much anguish, but she couldn't deny that a small part of her was giddy that he had picked her.
"I just... I'm going to tell you everything. Not just about that night at the party. You need to hear everything if you want to understand." He was talking to his hands, actively avoiding looking at her.
Rey ached to reach out and hold him, to soothe his tension. But he reminded her too much of a skittish animal right now, like he'd flee if she moved towards him.
So instead, she just said, "It's okay, Kylo. You can tell me whatever you're comfortable with. I'm here for you."
He took a deep breath, opening and closing his mouth several times. After a minute, he choked out a harsh laugh.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, clearly struggling. "It's harder than I thought it would be."
Rey just waited patiently. She would wait all night for him if she had too.
"When I was a kid," he finally started. "My dad wasn't around a lot. My mom had me when she was pretty young and he didn't want to give up traveling. So I didn't really have much of a father figure, but I did have Governor Snoke. He was kind of like that weird uncle you have when you're a kid, you know?"
Rey nodded, stomach twisting nervously. She had a sick feeling that she knew where this was going.
"I didn't really like him but he was a family friend and it was important to my mom that we got along, especially when she started getting into politics. He was always nice but something about the way he looked at me made me uncomfortable, even as a kid. He was always watching me with his strange, satisfied smirk on his face."
Kylo paused to swallow loudly. Rey could see that he was trembling, his body shaking where he sat. He still hadn't looked at her.
"Then, when I was about twelve, my mother started going on trips for various political or activism related things. I was too young to be home alone and my father was usually gone. Snoke offered to let me stay with him, he had this big mansion but no kids or anything. He would guilt my mom, saying I needed boy time since my dad wasn't around much. That it would be good for me to have a man in my life... so she left me with him, not knowing that he had a thing for little boys."
Though she had been expecting it, had seen it coming, his words still made her stomach lurch. For a second, she was afraid she'd be sick, sour bile rising in her throat.
Kylo didn't even look at her, just kept talking, stumbling over his words in his rush to get them out.
"He said- he told me that I deserved it, that I was lucky he wanted me when my own father didn't. That if I told anyone, my mother would hate me and throw me out. That I would shame my family and prove my father right that I was weak and unworthy of his attention. I was so scared and I- I didn't know-"
Words couldn't describe the hatred she felt for Snoke or the sorrow for Kylo. To be a child and dealing with this... it had broken him.
Rage, pure sharp rage, shot through Rey like a lightning bolt. Kylo had had a mother who loved him, a family and a life before this. And Snoke had taken it all away from him. He had destroyed Kylo's life and she wanted to kill him for it.
"You were just a kid," she told him, forcibly keeping her voice calm. "Predators know how to manipulate their victims, it's what they do. They make them feel like they deserve it and give them nowhere to turn."
Kylo shook his head slowly. "It wasn't just as a kid. I had begged my mom to find someone else, to not let him see me. She thought I was just acting out when I couldn't give her a reason why. He... abused me for years until I was old enough to stay home by myself. I thought I was finally free but he never had any intention of letting me slip away from him. He told my mother he wanted me to intern with him, that he saw my potential as his protege. She was so excited for me, wouldn't listen to me when I told her I didn't want to."
Rey knew that Leia had no way of knowing but she still cursed her internally. She looked at Leia and saw probably what most people had seen; a mother missing her son who she loved dearly. But underneath that, she had messed up, had ignored her son's pleas for help. Forgiveness was going to be a long and complicated path. The fact that Kylo still admitted that he loved her was a miracle.
His already lowered head bowed further until he was almost touching his knees. It's like he was trying to fold in on himself, to hide from the past.
"To me, he told me that if I couldn't keep fulfilling his needs, he'd have to find a new boy. I had no choice but to accept. And part of me had already given up."
The force of his shaking was making the couch vibrate.
"The things he did to me," he said, voice cracking. "You can't imagine... it wasn't just sexual, he wanted to hurt me. The pain and the control, that was what it was about to him. And when I got older, grew out of what he liked, it was just the hurt and the humiliation."
Rey could feel tears running down her face though she didn't know when she had started crying. Kylo had dealt with this for years, Snoke's abuse probably the only consistent thing in his life. She had guessed that he had been abused as a child but had never thought, hadn't imagined the depth of horror. How had he broken free?
As if reading her mind, he continued. "The night at the party, something in me snapped. He was just so smug and self-assured and I hated him so much. I told him I was done and he couldn't touch me ever again. He laughed and told me he had picture and videos." Embarrassment and self-loathing filled Kylo's voice. "That he would send them to the media, that everyone would see and know and my mother's political career would be ruined. He wasn't even worried, didn't even consider that I would walk away. And he was right, when he told me that, I had already accepted my defeat. I was already lost and didn't want to bring my mother down with me."
"Then," Kylo whispered, "he said that as punishment for thinking of leaving him, I was going to find him a new student. A new young boy."
Rey couldn't hold back the gasp that escaped her lips and Kylo finally turned to look at her. His expression... it was painful to look at but she didn't dare glance away.
"I lost it," he admitted, closing his eyes briefly. "I don't remember hitting him, just the fury and the horror at the thought of him laying his hands on an innocent child. I just kept hitting him until someone pulled me off. I remember seeing his chest move and the disappointment that I hadn't killed him."
His eyes were locked on Rey like he was watching for a hint of revulsion, for her to recoil from him. But she understood and she wasn't afraid so she let him see it in her eyes.
"You did what you had to," she said. He had been incredibly brave and no one would ever know. They all viewed him as a monster. "If you had killed him, the world would have been better off for it." The viciousness in her voice surprised both of them but she'd meant it.
Kylo looked wrecked, his eyes hollow, face bloodless.
"I went home and I was terrified. I didn't know what he'd do to punish me. I- I considered ending my life." The shame in his voice was evident but Rey understood. There had been points in her life where she'd there too, just wanting to be done. "If I wasn't so angry, so furious that he'd won again, I might have. But like I said, it was the control he liked. So I decided the one way I could hurt him the most would be to escape. I packed a few things and left that night."
And there it was. The tragic story of Kylo Ren, laid before Rey. So many things made a horrible sort of sense now. Revulsion and horror mixed in her stomach but she pushed it down, knowing that he didn't need those emotions from her.
She needed to say something. He was obviously waiting for her reaction, watching her with raw, dark eyes.
"You're so brave, Kylo," she whispered, reaching out a tentative hand to lay it on his arm, feeling the tension coiled in it. "So incredibly brave, I can't even-"
He tore himself away from her with a gasp like he was drowning, jumping to his feet to face her.
"Did you not listen to anything I just said?" he demanded, lips curled back in a savage expression. "Don't patronize me."
Rey felt her face flush, horrified that he would think that. But he had probably been imagining people's reactions for years, expecting disgust and loathing. He always assumed the worst when it came to people's thoughts about him.
"I'm not," she said gently. "I mean it, Kylo. Most people wouldn't have made it through what you did. You are one of the strongest and bravest people I've ever know and you should be proud of what you survived."
There was a second where he just stared at her, frozen, like he couldn't believe the words that had come out of her mouth. Then his face crumpled. He fell to his knees in front of her, wrapping his arms around her middle and burying his head in her lap.
Rey was so shocked by his sudden movement, it took her a moment to react. She rested one hand on his back, feeling his body shaking as he held her desperately. Her other hand ran slowly through his hair in what she hoped was a soothing gesture. As he shook, she could feel his warm tears soaking into her clothes.
"I have nothing to offer you," he choked out, voice muffled against her. "Snoke took everything from me and I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Ben Solo died a long time ago."
"Then it's a good thing that Kylo Ren is the man I care about," Rey told him.
She gently grasped both sides of his face, tilting it up so he had to look at her. His cheeks were tear-streaked, his expression a heart-wrenching mixture of fragile hope and utter devastation.
"How can you still care about me, still want me after everything I told you?" he asked.
"How could I not?" she replied simply. Leaning it, she softly kissed his tears away, tasting salt, stroking his face with her thumbs. "It only proves to me what I already knew. Your heart is full of light and not even Snoke could snuff it out."
The way he stared at her, like he was worshipping her with his eyes, it was the single most beautiful way anyone had ever looked at her.
Kylo didn't say anything, just tightened his hold around her, resting his head against her shoulder.
They sat there, holding each other for a few minutes as his breathing slowed down, the tremors running up and down his body vanishing. Rey hoped that he was finding a feeling of relief now that he had gotten his past off of his chest.
"Hey," she muttered, once he had calmed. "It's late. Let's go to bed."
He pulled away to look at her, like he didn't understand what she was saying. Standing with a small smile, she pulled him up with her and took his hand. Letting her lead him behind her, they went into her bedroom.
Rey didn't bother turning the light on, the glow from the hallway illuminating enough. Throwing back the blankets, she slid into the bed, watching as Kylo hesitated in the doorway.
"You can leave, if you'd like," she told him honestly. But she had the feeling he didn't want to be alone right now, and neither did she.
He shook his head, tentatively walking over and lifting the blankets to join her. He was so warm and solid beside her, she wanted to curl up against him and hold him all night.
So she did.
Pressing against his side, she draped an arm over his chest and rested her head on his shoulder. She could feel the stiffness and tension slowly draining from him as he relaxed against her, his own arm curling around her shoulders to hold her close.
"Good night, Kylo," she said softly.
"Good night, Rey."
...
Rey woke up slowly in the morning, pleasantly warm and sleepy. Muted sunlight filtered in through her window, bathing the room in light. She gradually became aware of Kylo in bed with her, his body curled around hers, his soft breath huffing against the back of her neck.
She had rolled onto her side at some point in the night and he had followed, spooning her, their bodies fitting together perfectly. One of his hands was tucked under the edge of her shirt, hot against the skin of her stomach.
Unable to resist, she wiggled back, pressing close to him. A content sigh fell from her lips; she wouldn't mind waking up like this every morning.
The things Kylo had told her last night hadn't remotely changed the way she felt about him. If anything, now she felt more connected to him, like their souls had touched. She wanted him, just as he was. Obviously, they still had things to discuss, but those could wait for another day.
Shifting slightly, she stroked Kylo arm with featherlight touches, reveling in the sensation of just being able to touch him.
"Enjoying yourself?" he rumbled from behind her, his voice rough with sleep.
Rey felt a blush spread across her cheeks but was proud of herself for not jumping. How long had he been awake? She rolled over to face him, loving the soft, sleepy smile on his face.
He met her eyes shyly, obviously worried about where they stood today. He left his hand where it was, fingers splayed out on her waist.
Wanting to banish the uncertain look in his eyes, she leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss against his mouth. She lingered slightly before pulling away.
Kylo didn't let her go very far though, the hand on her waist pulling her close.
"You... I- I don't deserve you," he told her, his free hand coming up to cradle her cheek. "I wouldn't ever deserve you, not if I lived a hundred lifetimes."
Before Rey could come up with a response, he kissed her, pouring all of his emotion into it.
Clinging to him, she kissed him back with everything she had, wanting no doubt left in his mind that she wanted him. He tasted slightly salty, leftover from his tears the night before. The way he kissed her had a tinge of desperation and she realized he must have come to her last night, part of him expecting her to reject him, to talk away after he bared himself to her. The thought just made her kiss his harder.
Groaning, he deepened this kiss, sliding his tongue against her lips, begging for entrance which she gladly granted him. As always, the slick feeling of his tongue twining with hers sent a bolt of heat to her stomach and she arched against him.
She pulled away slightly. "Is... is this okay?" she breathed, needing to know. He'd never shied away from their sexual tension before but she couldn't not ask. She would never be able to forgive herself if she pressured him into something, intentionally or not.
"Yes," he said, then grinned at her, the look in his eyes sending her heart into a frenzy. "Absolutely."
She let out a surprised giggle as he rolled over so he was hovering over her, eyes hot. He was bracing most of his weight on his arm above her head but was still a comfortable presence on top of her. Arching experimentally, she pressed her hips against his.
Letting out a stuttered breath, he leaned down and pressed scorching kisses along her neck, pushing down the collar of her shirt to nip at her collarbone. His mouth and tongue on her skin were driving her crazy and she moaned, tangling her hands in his hair to pull his lips back to her own. She sucked on his full bottom lip then thrust her tongue against his, tasting him.
His free hand slid back under the edge of her shirt, inching up along her ribs. When his fingertips brushed the underside of her bare breast, she gasped into his mouth.
"Please Kylo," she begged, nipples already hard.
He captured her lips with his again, just as his hand covered her breast, thumb brushing back and forth across her sensitive nipple.
Fuck. She writhed beneath his touch, crying out, his mouth swallowing her sounds.
Pulling away and breathing hard, he watched her as he rolled her nipple between thumb and forefinger. He kept his eyes locked on hers as he dipped his face down and licked a hot swipe across her other one through the fabric of her shirt.
Rey absolutely panted, freeing her hands from his hair to sit up slightly and yank her shirt off over her head, tossing it on the floor somewhere. She was naked from the waist up, chest flushed under his hot gaze.
"You're so fucking beautiful," he said hoarsely, his eyes devouring her.
She kissed him again, hungrily, then worked his shirt off of him. She hadn't seen before in his apartment, had been too distracted to notice the smattering of scars across his body. Later, she would take her time and kiss every single one of them.
Leaning back against the pillows, she pulled his hand off of her breast and up to her mouth.
His eyes went black as she sucked two of his fingers in his mouth, swirling her tongue around them lazily. She bobbed her head up and down them, coating their length in her saliva, gently scraping with her teeth.
Pulling them free of her mouth with an obscene pop, she led his hand down to the top of her shorts then under the waistband and into her underwear.
Sucking his fingers had just been to tease him, she was already absolutely drenched, her panties soaked through. She ached for his touch, wanted him to slide those thick fingers into her.
They moaned simultaneously as his fingers circled her clit then slipped down to part her.
"Fuck Rey, you're so wet," he choked out.
"All for you," she moaned, shifting her hips against his hand.
Kylo sealed his mouth back around her breast, licking and scraping against her sensitive nipple as his fingers teased her entrance. Just as she was about to explode, he finally slid them in.
"Jesus fucking Christ," she gasped, rocking against the slow movement of his fingers in and out of her. The slight stretch felt delicious, his fingers curling just right to brush against the spot that made her see stars.
He kissed his way down her body, using his other handle to wiggle her shorts and panties down her legs. Once they reached her feet, Rey kicked them away then spread her legs wantonly as his mouth kissed the spot right below her belly button.
"I'm going to make you come twice," he rasped against her. "Once around my fingers and again when I'm inside you."
Fuck, if that wasn't the hottest thing she'd ever heard, she didn't know what was. She could already feel her orgasm twisting hotly in her abdomen and knew it wouldn't take much more to get her off.
His fingers drove into her with more determination, a steady rhythm that made her thighs shake and quiver. And when he kissed his way down to her clit, tongue swirling around it, he had to hold her hips down with his free hand to keep her from bucking into his face.
"Oh my god, oh my god," she cried, feeling herself about to unravel. He felt too fucking good, twisting his fingers just right and licking her firmly. Her nails scraped against his scalp, hands knotting in his raven hair.
When he sucked hotly, teeth scraping her clit gently, Rey felt her body seize up, clenching around him. Pleasure exploded in her stomach, shockwaves running up and down her body as she came. It felt like it went on forever as Kylo worked her through it, until she collapsed back against the pillows, deliciously boneless and sweaty.
He followed her, giving her a demanding kiss and she could taste herself on his mouth, something she found indescribably sexy.
Rather than feeling satiated after her orgasm, she just wanted him more. She reached down and yanked at his pants impatiently.
"Take these off," she urged him, wanting to touch him, to make him feel good.
Kylo stood, slowly taking off his pants and boxers. Rey's throat went dry at the sight of him naked before him, broad-shouldered, his whole body firm and muscled. She wanted to taste every inch of him, wanted to take her time exploring his body.
"Come here," she all but growled, and he chuckled a little self consciously, crawling over up the bed to join her again.
Reaching down, she grabbed his length firmly, feeling it already slick with precome, hard and throbbing hotly in her hand.
He let out a choked noise, thrusting slightly into her hand. His head dipped down to rest in the crook of her neck, pressing wet kisses along the column of her throat as she worked his cock slowly, teasing like he had her.
She wanted to slide down the bed and take him in her mouth, to swallow him until he came undone in her mouth. But she wanted him to be inside her more.
"Kylo," she moaned, positioning him at her entrance. "Please, I need you." Never in her life had she felt so wet, so empty and ready to be filled.
But he hesitated and she knew why.
"I'm on the pill," she whispered, arching and feeling his cock part her slightly. He was by far the biggest she'd ever had, but she knew they'd fit just right.
Lifting himself slightly so he could look at her, he pushed her arms into the pillows over her head, interlocking their fingers together. His dark eyes never looked away from hers as he teasingly slid up and down, nudging her clit with every motion.
Rey keened, wanting to reach down and shove him into her, but he held her hands firmly, not giving her an inch to pull away or free herself. He just watched, pink lips parted slightly as she writhed beneath him, dizzy with lust.
"Do you want me?" he asked, voice rough with desire. His arms trembled against hers.
"Yes Kylo, so badly. I've been waiting so long for you to fuck me."
He groaned from somewhere deep in his chest, then plunged into her warm wetness with one smooth motion, filling her completely.
Rey cried out, the sound echoing through the room. He was so big inside of her. Fuck, she knew they'd fit perfectly.
"Rey, fuck," he swore lowly, shuddering against her. "You feel so fucking good."
Kylo rocked back and forth slowly, every inch of him rubbing against her torturously slow. Their hands were still locked together above her head, his eyes fixed on her face. This pace was heaven and hell, the slow strokes allowing her to savor the feeling of him inside her. But she wanted him to take her like she knew they both wanted, desperately and savagely. She needed him to give in.
"I won't break," she muttered, wrapping a leg around his hips to urge him to go faster. "Take me."
His eyes searched hers for a second, and whatever he saw in them confirmed what she was saying. He let go of her hands, rising up on his knees and lifting her hips with him, the angle letting him slip in just a little farther.
He was glorious as he sped up, pounding into her, a slight sheen of sweat slicking his body, the predatory look in his eyes as he watched his cock pull out and push back into her. The sounds of their bodies meeting and separating were so wet and obscene but it just made her hotter.
Rey grabbed the sheets around her, meeting him thrust for thrust. She's whimpering and keening, the sounds only urging Kylo on more. This was what she wanted, what she needed, their pace and desire evenly matched. He gave and she took, their bodies in a perfect and frenzied rhythm.
That knot in her stomach tightened as he tilted her body up a little more, hitting that spot that made her knees shake with every plunge into her body.
"I'm close," she cried out, needing just a little more to fall over that blissful edge. She's right at the peak, just needs the smallest bit more...
Kylo slid a hand up her hip, pressing her clit firmly with his thumb, working it in tight little circles that sent electric shocks coursing through her.
"Come for me," he commanded, never letting up. "Come around my cock, let me feel you."
Rey had no choice but to comply, gasping as she lost herself in the rush of feelings he gave her. Her orgasm rocked her whole body, her core convulsing and gushing around him. She tightened to that point of pleasure that was just on the line of being painful. But fuck, it felt so good.
She kept her eyes on him the whole time, watching as his thrusts fell out of sync and he ground against her roughly. His cock swelled and twitched inside of her furiously. Throwing back his head slightly, he moaned her name and she felt him come, hot pulses and spurts inside of her. He shook as he came, his whole body frozen around her.
Panting, he gave a few more lazy thrusts as he softened inside of her, his big hands stroking up and down her legs soothingly.
The sound of their harsh breathing filled the silence as he pulled out and collapsed in the bed next to her.
"Jesus Christ," Rey got out, pushing down the sudden urge to giggle. She felt exhausted but so good, so alive and content. Being with Kylo was even better than she'd thought and she'd thought about it a lot.
"Did I hurt you?" he asks, kissing her shoulder softly.
"No, god no." There's a bit of stinging going on but nothing she can't handle. She expected it after seeing how large he was, after the sensual burn when he first pushed into her.
They lay there together for a while, just enjoying the intimacy of the moment. But eventually, Rey has to glance at the clock, knowing she can't ignore the real world forever.
She sighs, sitting up. Poe would be expecting her at work in just over an hour. Just enough time to shower and eat quickly.
"I have work," she tells Kylo dejectedly, wanting nothing more than to stay in bed with him all day.
He looks like he's thinking the same thing. "Call out?" he asks, looking at her hopefully. There was that puppy dog face. The contrast between it and the sexually confident man he'd been in bed made her bite her lip to push back a smile.
"Don't tempt me," she groans, standing up, feeling sticky between her thighs. He watches her stretch, brown eyes turning molten.
"But," she says, adding a little seductive purr to her voice. "I'll let you join me in the shower... if you make it worth my while."
Leaving the bedroom, she hears him scrambling out of the bed behind her and she lets out a quiet laugh.
This chapter was really difficult for me to write, for several reasons. I ended up rewriting parts over and over again until I got to a point where I was pretty satisfied. Nothing is ever perfect but I'm pretty happy with it and I hope you guys are too. I figured it was about time these poor babies got some emotional and physical tension worked out *wiggles eyebrows* Love you all!