AffectedMangoO – Thank you, thank you, thank you for the great reviews. They make me grin (evilly) every time. Yeah, so the sap in this chapter is dedicated to you (does that mean that I can blame it on you too?) XD. Hope you enjoy!

Ashke – Thanks for reading it, I was wondering if you ever would!

Emma – Well, I actually was ranting because I was wrong about the twin thing, but hey, at least we still have fanfiction!

cassy-australia - Danke for being so nice! You ask; I deliver, sort of!

A/N: For those of you who wanted an explanation, you'll find at least part of one here. There's only a hint of the horrors that David inflicted on poor little Remus, but eventually I'll explain the rest of that story as well. For now, you get to find out about Romulus and Remus' childhood and finally Sirius will start to say the right things instead of making it worse. Yay! Lucky you. XP

Oh yes, and if anyone would be willing to beta this for me, (I've never found anyone willing to just rip my stories apart) I'd love you forever. I've noticed that some scary grammar violations have been committed in previous chapters, and I'd like to fix as many of those as possible.

This chapter made my sap-o-meter overheat and die violently in a cloud of blue smoke... so tell me if I went a little insane here.

DARKNESS
chapter 11

The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,
And the circling is worth it.
Finding beauty in the dissonance.

...

That was Remus' whole truth, and his nightmare. He wanted this to mean something, but he didn't know how to trust Sirius. He didn't know how the other boy could suggest this relationship and then not understand him at all. It was funny, how Sirius was the only person who could give him what he wanted, and yet he was the one person who understood the least. He had seen more, but he knew less about Remus than the barest stranger who had only witnessed Remus in passing. For that was how Remus had developed his personality; to be something glanced at and then ignored. He wished that this whole reality hadn't been revealed. It hurt him worse than Sirius would ever understand to learn that the one thing he'd thought he could do to protect his friends had actually been hurting them the most. He had thought that by keeping his distance he would somehow keep Sirius from caring, but in the end his distance had hurt the other boy more than even his curse could. He had been blind to someone else's suffering when he had thought that he was the most observant, the most right, of all the Marauders.

'Enter my nightmare. But do it because you love me, not because you feel sorry for me. Please don't feel sorry for the times I've been hurt, or everything I've worked so hard to build will be destroyed. Don't pity me for what neither of us may change. And don't love me because I need it. Please. For once, love me because you need me back.' He wanted this to be right. He wanted to mean more than a quick fuck to Sirius, and he wanted this to mean more than another pain trip to himself. He'd been hurt too many times to really care, and it was starting to scare him. He needed someone to wake him up inside, to grab him and hold tight, before he slipped over the edge and glided the rest of the way into the numb abyss waiting beyond the hurt. He didn't feel enough as it was, and the void was reaching out to him, beckoning with its promise of peace and rest. It promised no more quilt, no more tears. No more aching, consuming emptiness. It promised that the space inside his heart that needed to be filled would cease to exist. It made him want to beg Sirius to care, to hold off the nightmares and to never let go. But he'd been here before. And he knew that there were always new levels of pain and loneliness to sink to.

He'd seen that look of terror on Remus' face so many times, and each time it meant something different and more complicated. He tried to ignore the little painful flutters in his stomach when Remus looked at him with big unguarded eyes, begging and yet afraid to ask for help. He wanted to be stronger, but he knew it was the wrong thing to want. Remus wanted to be needed by someone. He didn't need anything other than the truth from Sirius. As long as they kept that promise, both of them would come out of this relationship relatively unharmed, although slightly less innocent. Sirius at least knew that he would be a different person when it was over. He got up from the bed, where he'd been waiting for Remus for the last couple of hours. He wasn't exactly worried, his mind told him that nothing was wrong, but he was anxious. He wanted to see Remus, because he wanted to know for certain that this relationship was real. He wanted to affirm that everything he'd said in the hospital room was real, and that the look in Remus' eyes had been there like he'd thought. He wanted to hold Remus and be reassured that it could actually happen. He'd imagined this so many times, and he'd felt it in his dreams so realistically, that it was hard to believe he really was allowed to love Remus. Strangely, he was a little scared. Partly of the consequences of a true relationship, and of the long-term implications of each promise, but also of Remus himself. The times he'd imagined Remus giving into a relationship had been sweet and romantic. There had been nothing romantic about his confessions; just desperation, tempered by both of their separate suffering.

The halls were deserted at this time of night, and he knew he wasn't supposed to be out so late, but he couldn't imagine getting any sleep when he was so confused. He was out here to get answers that might not exist, to questions that made no sense. And he wanted Remus to answer them. He was out here because he'd finally decided to put some of his trust in the person he loved. Remus deserved that, and now he knew it in his mind, as well as in his heart.

If he hadn't learned that much by now, then he didn't deserve Remus at all.

"Remus… are you here?" he already knew the answer to his question, so it was more a warning to Remus. He'd seen the shadow of his friend blocking the stars from the first moment he'd entered the tower room. Sirius loved the view from this height, and it made sense that Remus would enjoy it as well.

He stood silently next to the other boy, just staring at the sky for several blissful minutes before he began. "I just wanted to know something. It's important. I know you don't trust me, but I need to know if you want to trust me. I need to know that all of your fear and doubt can take second place to something better. I want to be better than everything you've ever experienced. I need to be that, for you, and for me."

"I know…" the voice that answered him was a raspy whisper, touching on the deep silence of the night without disturbing it at all. Sirius loved that voice. He knew somewhere deep down that he always would. "I know what you want from me, and I know I want the same things. I don't know how to accept the fact that I want them. I'm not even human. How do I know that I'm being true to myself? How do I know that you aren't the same as everyone else? You all bring such pretty promises, and every single time I trust you, and I think that for once it's going to be different. Every time it ends up being my fault. My fault for trusting… Once you've been bitten, you don't keep trying to pet the same dog. It's just madness, this whole idea; but I do love you, and I do want you to love me. And you know what? You already have been the best thing to happen to me. I've never had a friend, since Romulus. I didn't think it was possible for me to love. Having that much would have been enough. But I think for once someone needs me as much as I need them, and it feels good, even if I'm deceiving myself. So yes… I do want to make this work. I do want to love and be loved back without having to be afraid. Do you have that to give, without taking everything away at the same time?" his eyes burned into Sirius, even across the room. They seemed to absorb the darkness and turn it into gold refracted halos. The light filtered through the gloom, and all Sirius could see or ever wanted to see were those sad amber eyes staring at him like he was the only thing in the world.

"I don't know why I fell in love, but I do know why it was you I fell in love with. You make all this hell seem like so much garbage to be thrown away. I can't even think about anything else. All I ever need is for you to love me. Please tell me you believe me… please let me mean everything to you too."

'Why are you being so perfect, Sirius Black? Do you read minds as well as cast spells, or are you being sincere? Please, I've never done this before. So much pain, so much perfection. Everything. It's all in your eyes. This has to be love. Please love me. I'm going to throw everything away for you. Even fear. Let this be love…' He took a deep breath, hearing the silence rush into his mind before he fell. "I don't understand this, but I want to. I love you. And I want to love you, which is the hardest part. I want to be loved by you. Sirius…" he watched with apprehension as his boyfriend moved closer and closer, his werewolf eyes able to see each fluid step clearly.

"Why are you willing to give me a chance when everyone else has hurt you? I don't deserve it. I've never treated you like I should. I never knew how much you were going through and I still don't. Why trust me?"

"Because I want to. Because you won't give up, you stupid bastard." The little half-laugh was more nervous than amused, and now Sirius was close enough to touch. His black hair was reflecting the light from the crescent moon, and for the first time in over seven years, Remus appreciated the beauty of his mistress in the heavens, if only because Sirius seemed twice as radiant in her light. The dark planes of his face were highlighted perfectly, the hollow in his throat standing out as a deep shadow, and his skin was the colour of deep blue pearls. It was a part of Sirius he had never seen before, and for some reason, it made him look more vulnerable, softer and more innocent than what the harsher light of the sun revealed. In that moment, Remus trusted him completely. He felt himself shudder as the last of his defences fell. He felt naked and empty, but the promise was there, just waiting to be fulfilled. He reached out tentatively and brushed a strand of jet-black hair out of Sirius face, needing to know if it felt as soft as it looked. He smiled, and ran his hand through the rest of Sirius' hair, resting it on the back of his neck. For once he wasn't afraid of the consequences. There was only one thing he felt right now, and it was so strange he was almost too afraid to name it. But he knew. He loved Sirius. His heart and soul belonged to the boy whose face was mere inches from his own.

He wasn't frightened when Sirius' hands rested gently on his hip and shoulder, drawing him forward slowly. He wanted this more than anything. Their mouths met gently at first, just tasting and trying, before both of them lost all caution. They'd both needed this for so long, that it was hard to stay sweet in their passions for more than the barest second. "I need you, please, Remus." Sirius whispered harshly after a moment, his breathing unsteady. He winced when Remus immediately shrank away from him.

"No… I can't… I want… I want you too. But I'm not… I can't. You wouldn't understand." Remus' voice was halting and uncertain.

"But I want to… Remus, please tell me the truth. Are you afraid of me?"

"No! I… I'm just not…I can't do that yet. Sex means a lot of bad things. I hoped that you would want to take it slow. We've only…um… been together for a day. I know you're used to easy sex, with no connections, and it makes me nervous. I don't want to be another conquest…"

"You can say it, Remus. We're a couple. I love you. I have for a long time now. I'm not going to hurt you, and I'm not going to push. I just want to know where I stand."

"You're either with me all the way, or you're against me. That's how being a werewolf works. Love me, hate me, or be ignorant. Since you're no longer ignorant… the rest is up to you. Choose what you want from me, but if this is about me as much as it is about you, I can't have sex after our first fucking kiss. I'd feel like another cheap fuck. I hate feeling like I'm replaceable. I hate feeling like a whore. I hate being used. So just try to understand, even if you don't."

"God Remus, what happened to you?"

"What?" Remus turned to him again, his eyes flashing, confusion written on his face.

"What happened that made you feel so worthless? What made you so damn afraid?"

"Nothing. Nothing happened to me."

"Remus, I want to know. I want to understand. You can tell me anything you need to, and I won't judge you. I won't hate you no matter how much you hate yourself. Even if you did deserve to be hated, I wouldn't be able to. That's what being in love is. Tell me what happened to you."

"Sirius… I can't. It hurts just to think about it."

"It wouldn't hurt so much if you talked about it instead of locking it so deep inside. What you're doing to yourself, it's killing you. It's poisoning you from the inside out. I want to help."

"I wouldn't know where to begin."

"Start where things went wrong. Start at the beginning. Tell me how you were bitten."

Remus took another deep breath, his face still turned away from Sirius, half in shadow. He was scared to begin. But he knew he had to explain. If he didn't then he would just be proving his cowardice. If Sirius wanted him to face his hell, then he would. He began in a whisper, unsteady and uncertain, but gaining strength as he went. "I was six when I died. My parents had two children, Remus and Romulus, twin boys. I think they were tempting fate when they gave names like that to children with the last name of Lupin. We were supposed to be perfectly safe in the village we were staying at. They said that they'd 'cleared' the forest of vampires and werewolves, but apparently one slipped by. We were staying in a little house on the outskirts of a small town in France, just for the week while we were on vacation. It was supposed to be peaceful and relaxing. I don't even remember what that means anymore. It's hard to think back to before I was bitten. It's all blurry and confusing. I think that I was happy. I loved my brother, and we were best friends. My parents thought it was cute how the 'wolf-twins' seemed to get along together so well. They named Romulus the lucky one because they loved him more. They always favoured him, and it's my fault he's dead instead of me. When the werewolf snuck into the house, everyone was asleep. No one had even bothered to realize that it was a full moon. We came from Paris and we didn't have to bother with things like that. I was sleeping closest to the door, on the floor in a sleeping bag. I woke up to see a giant pair of glowing amber eyes looming above me. I must have screamed. In fact, I don't think I stopped screaming that whole night.

"It's like a nightmare; too strange and frightening to believe, but too real to discredit. I hate it, because every time I close my eyes, it's haunting me in my dreams. She pinned me against the floor, and ripped across my shoulder with her claws. I thought I was going to die. She tore my stomach apart with her teeth, and the poison seeped into my veins so quickly. I was shaking and all the blood was draining out on the floor. I could feel all the life leaking out of me, and my screaming just kept going. I've been told that dying into the realm of the night-world is far different from mortal death. I can't die naturally now. The only thing that can truly kill me is exposure to silver, wizard spells, or being killed by another were-creature, like Vampires. Everything else I will either never experience, such as sickness or poison, or I can heal from. Actually, there is one poison that can kill me. Wolfsbane. When it is mixed with other ingredients it can become less harmful and actually can improve my condition, but no one has ever perfected the potion. They experiment on werewolves in illegal, but conveniently overlooked, science labs under the guise of treatment centres. They inject various potions into the werewolves and record the results. It's one of those things that come with being bitten. My parents tried to send me to one in the mountains, but I was too young, even for them. I guess even scientists can have attacks of conscience."

Sirius interrupted, horrified, "Why would your parents try to send you to a death camp? That doesn't seem very caring…" he asked uncertainly, although he was beginning to fear the answer.

"I killed their baby boy. They hate me as much as they hate the werewolf that bit me. Unfortunately for them, parents of werewolves are not allowed to give their monster children up for adoption, as they are considered a danger to society. Besides, what sane person would adopt a Child of the Darkness?"

"I don't understand. If you killed your brother, wouldn't you be in a prison somewhere, instead of Hogwarts?"

"It wasn't my bite that killed him, but it's still my fault. I should have died in his place, or at the very least alongside him. I never deserved to live."

"Is that their opinion, or yours?"

"Does it matter?" Remus hissed.

"To me!" Sirius said fiercely.

"The saying should have been 'Love is stupid' instead of 'Love is blind'. God, Sirius! I may as well have killed him. It's more my fault than anyone's that he died," he took another calming breath and continued with his story. "We were both bitten, Romulus and I. She didn't kill either of us. The first transformation was the worst. Our boned ripped apart and reformed, joints tore into new shapes and hair shot through our skin. I transformed first, because I was bitten first. My brother watched me with horror filled eyes. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted so badly to keep him from hurting as much as I did. We had been put in separate cages in a hospital, but they had been lax with the precautions. They had never dealt with child werewolves before. It was uncommon for a wolf to choose ones so young. In the unlikely event of a child being bitten, it was nearly unheard of for the child to survive the poison from the wounds, or the first transformation. Often, if a person hadn't completely healed from the attack by the time the first moon came, they would die during the change. We were both still sick, and the doctors didn't suspect us of having enough strength to make it through the first change. But somehow, when the pain had faded a little, and I was able to look through wolf eyes for the first time, my brother was there too, though he was still human. He stared at me, horrified, then his mouth opened in one silent scream, and I watched as his own body broke and reformed. Our strength as wolves was far greater than that of any fully grown human. But I was still too weak to move. I barely dragged myself the width of the cage before I collapsed. My brother was stronger however, and he tore through the bars of his cage without effort."

Remus' voice went completely lifeless, but Sirius could taste the sorrow layered underneath the frost. "The hospital staff shot him. They didn't care that he was just a child. They didn't even care that his twin and his parents were watching. They just pulled the trigger of a shotgun loaded with a silver bullet and killed him. If I had had the strength that first night, I would have died with him. Instead, I just spent the night fading in and out of consciousness. Because my brother died and I didn't, the wolf takes out all of its rage on my own body. I tear myself apart every full moon; in retribution; in revenge. All I see is tainted with red. And even when I'm still human, there is a voice that demands my penance. It demands that I bleed and cry and torture myself. Sometimes it wants me to die. Other times it just wants to hurt me. I can't keep doing this forever. Sometimes I barely bleed, but sometimes the red won't stop flowing. I can lose more blood than most people have in their whole bodies and still survive. It's the price of my mortality. I'm held here without release, without joy. Nothing makes me feel. But somehow you made me at least want to change that. I don't know why I suddenly feel things when you're around, but you gave me back something I didn't think I'd ever have again."

Sirius watched his boyfriend carefully in the half-light from the stars, his eyes having long ago adjusted to the darkness. He felt so much for the boy in front of him, and it was so confusing. The tumult was a rush, a high he had never expected to feel for any one person in his lifetime. He loved Remus. He loved him so intensely it hurt. He held the smaller boy tighter, burying his head on Remus' shoulder. He felt Remus shaking, and whispered, "It was never your fault. Nothing deserves your suffering. Nothing is worth that. I can't watch you hurt yourself like you have been. It's killing me. I'd rather you hurt me. Please, let me feel what you do. God, I don't want you to be alone anymore. Take it out on me instead. Please, just don't hurt yourself like this." He knew what he was asking, but the request didn't scare him anymore. He truly wanted to share everything with Remus, even the pain the other boy was in. He wanted the same scars, the same lingering aches to remind him of what was important. Everything was falling into place for the first time, and for once, he was calm about the risks, and every danger was worth the consequences. Remus was worth anything and everything he had to give.

Remus was staring at him, horrified, his eyes huge in an impossibly moon-pale face. "You don't know what you're asking. Please, take it back. The wolf would gladly take you up on that offer, and you'd wish you'd never been born. It would kill me to see you suffer for me any more. Don't ever ask that again. Please, Sirius. This isn't about proving your love for me. Just don't try to share my hell."

"You're asking me to live in it without becoming a part of it. It's not possible for me to love you without feeling what you do. And it's not possible for you to love me back unless I'm willing to feel your scars on my own body. You know it, and you think that somehow I can love you without being effected or changed in any way by that love. We're taking this too fast. I can't expect you to believe that I'm serious when I'm saying this all at once. Maybe you can learn to trust me over time..."

"Sirius, I do trust you, just, you're right, it's too fast for me. I'm afraid you don't know what kind of hell you're asking to share, or even what monster you'll be sharing it with. Werewolves are said to mate for life. I don't know how true that is, but believe me, each betrayal, each harsh word from someone I love hurts thousands of times worse than that razor blade I use. It takes a lot of confidence, or stupidity, to want to trust again. I have to trust you, and I don't think I can. It's too new. He hurt me, David did, and even now, when it's been over a year, it's hard to push all that pain away for a single glimpse of something better. He offered me a chance as well, and I trusted him just like you want me to trust you now. He seemed to care so much. I never even thought he was trying to hurt me all along. I needed him, and I didn't realize that he wanted me for one thing only—" Remus harshly interrupted his own reflections, "They say werewolves are more fun in bed. I guess that all depends on your tastes. If you like your lover a little heavily into S&M then I suppose I'm a pretty good fuck. The pain he gave me always made it seem more real, because I needed him so badly. I couldn't afford to not have him. After my parents all but disowned me, I needed someone to care. I suppose if I think hard enough, it's pretty easy to blame everyone else for my problems, when in the end, it's just me who caused them, and me who could have fixed them as well. That's why it's so hard to ever want another relationship. I don't know whose fault it is that I suffered so much, and I don't want to believe that it was me. But if it was my fault then it was caused by my need. I don't want any more pain. I know now that it's easy to avoid the hurt if I never try to reach out and I never let any one inside. You're taking that away. I've kept it up for a year, ever since… David. Sirius, listen to me, I'm not as innocent as you think I am," he said suddenly, smiling bitterly, but his eyes were fierce when they looked into Sirius' face. "I want you to love me, but I'm afraid of you. I'm also afraid for you. If you enter my nightmare, and you enter it all the way, there is no turning back. Ever. You'll come out every bit as messed up as me. I don't want that for you, because I care about you, but I do want it for my sake. Just make the right choice. Think of every horrible thing that you never wanted to think about and try associating it with me. You'll have to get used to living with every fear you've ever had. Please.... please be my reality." Remus' large amber eyes were so full of emotion that it left Sirius helpless to even hear his words. They would sink in later. Right now he needed to taste those tempting lips one more time. When he kissed Remus, the other boy gasped, his teeth catching at Sirius' lip and his tongue ready to meet the other in a second. It surprised Sirius that Remus could say everything he had just said, and still accept a kiss with such obvious needy fervour.

When Remus broke the kiss, Sirius was disappointed, but the feeling was replaced by perfection when he felt Remus' lips travelling down his jaw towards his neck. The werewolf nipped on Sirius Adams apple, making him gasp and whisper a breathy plea for more. The talented mouth continued its way downwards to latch on with renewed enthusiasm on Sirius' collarbone, an irritated jerk of Remus' hand pushing fabric out of the way to expose more moon-lit skin to sharp, but surprisingly gentle teeth.

"Remus… I love you. I will tell you every time I see you if you want. I will whisper it every time you kiss me, every time I hold you, every time we talk. I will tell you while you sleep. I won't ever stop saying it. I will tell the whole world. Please, love me back?"

"I do." The tawny haired boy lifted his face earnestly, and the sight of golden eyes staring up at him between long dusky lashes made Sirius want to scream and dance and cry all at once. It was too perfect to be described by words. It was something he didn't think he had ever felt before or could ever feel again with another being. No one mattered half as much as the person he was holding right now. It was blinding and overwhelming as well as subtle and steadying inside his mind. He felt Remus as a presence inside of his own consciousness. One he wanted to have inside of him forever. Nothing had ever been or would ever be this perfect. All the awkward moments, all the tears seemed trivial.

To Remus it was like waking up from a long dream. He felt like Sirius was giving him something solid to hold on to when everything else had slipped away. At first it scared him, but just being held by someone he cared about caused the fear to fade, and after a moment he began to feel the other fears dissolving as well. He wanted this... he wanted this. He wanted this! The feeling amazed him. "…never want to feel any of that again, Sirius. I trust you. I remember how. I feel like I'm finally free. He's gone, from that place in the back of my mind where he was hiding. You've chased my monsters away, and now I can see, because you brought me light when I didn't think I could ever let anyone in again. Strange that you would be the one to change all that. I fell in love with you a long time ago. But I gave up on dreaming a long time ago. I didn't realize that every time I looked away, it had been because you'd been staring too. It's so… strange… but I'm not afraid anymore. I love you. I want you to feel this amazing thing too."

"I already do. And it's because of you, Remus. You make me feel this way."

Remus smiled, a real smile, and his eyes seemed to contain everything Sirius had ever wanted to see; wonder, joy, euphoria, the first tentative stirrings of lust, and over it all, love.

The fierceness of Remus' kiss surprised him, but he returned it with everything he had. If this was love, then it was twice as perfect as he'd ever imagined. Nothing could intrude here. Not even that slight fear left behind in Remus eyes. Not even the horror that was lurking in the darkness that was rapidly closing in on Hogwarts. For Sirius, this was life. And for once he wanted to live.

"I want you to know…" whispered Remus. He was still smiling, but he looked unsure.

"What?"

"Everything. You deserve to know why it's so hard for me to want this. You deserve to understand, and I need your help. I want you to know about David and Romulus and my parents and then I want to let go. I want to feel something better, with you."

"That's what I want too." Sirius thought he would faint if Remus looked at him that way one more time.

"So this is what it feels like to believe in someone," Remus wondered out loud, a strange fluttering in his stomach making him feel light-headed and giddy.

Sirius just grinned. He felt like his entire body was glowing, and he would never be ordinary again.