A/N: Everything about this chapter made me cry while writing it, it's been one of the toughest I've ever done.
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Josh didnt want to get out of bed that morning. He'd never felt so empty as he did now, so drained of life. He'd cried himself to sleep that ngiht, his pillow stiff with the dried, salty remnants of his hurt. He wanted his brother back, he wanted to fix what he'd broken.
Meghan had been right to blame him, and he knew that his parents must be doing the same thing. He should have gone after Drake, should have let that apology sink in sooner. That man was going to come after Drake regardless, but, if he'd have had his back, then, maybe he would still be here.
The room was to big for him, too empty. Everywhere he looked he saw reminders of Drake, bits and pieces of their lives together. He'd thought that pushing Drakke away would make him happier, but he'd always known he needed him. It was easy to ignore him when he knew that Drake would be there when he broke down. But he was gone now, and the only thing Josh wanted was to have him there by his side, getting him mixed up in some harebrain plan.
He'd begged Audrey to let him stay home from school today, he didnt want to see those people. To have their eyes on him, burning with curiosity. He'd all ready called work, he wouldn't be there tonight, couldn't be. He was breaking down, falling into the darkness that had become his life.
He dragged himself to the bathroom, starring into the mirror. There were bags under his red eyes. He didnt like the person he saw staring back at him. Didnt like how cruel that person had been in Drake's time of need. Without fully realizing what he was doing, he reached into the cabinet, taking the razor and breaking it apart.
His tears were falling again as he took the blade to his wrist. The first cut was the hardest, that seperation of skin and the blood that trickled out, falling like his tears into the sink. He made a cut for every day that Drake had been gone. Fourteen streaks of red, fourteen days that Drake had been suffering because of him. Josh fell to the floor, cradleing his bleeding wrist against his chest as he cried.
He didnt like what he'd done, not two weeks ago, not minutes before. He was breaking down, drowning in the darkness that was overtaking him. He shook as he rocked back and forth on the cold floor, blood soaking into his shirt as the cuts exhausted themselves.
He stumbled back into his room, bandages hiding what he'd done. It wasnt enough. This stinging pain couldnt be close to what Drake must be feeling. He fell onto his bed, looking at an old photo of the two of them together.
"Im sorry," he whispered. "Im so sorry drake..." He was crying again.
Outside the window the sun shone, the singing of the birds catching his attention. He'd heard Drake sing an old Beatles song about a bird, but now, he couldnt remember the words. He'd have given anything to have Drake there, singing that song right now.
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Damien was awake before any of them that morning, standing at the window and listening to the songs of the birds. He hummed drake's song as he closed his eyes, trying to imagine what it was like to be a bird. Flying free in that blue sky, the sun warm on his feathers. That was what he wanted most, to be set free, to be safe.
Ash got out of bed as queitly as he could, going to stand next to Damien and placing a hand on his thin shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Damien nodded. "I'm the best that I can be." He said quietly.
Ash wrapped his arms around his young friend. He was afraid of how quiet Damien had gotten, how distant he was. He held him tightly, not holding back his own tears now. "It's going to be okay." He tried to believe his own words.
Damien hugged Ash back, burrying his face in his shoulders. Ash had always been so strong, even in the faces of everything they'd been though he was pushing forward. But this life, he couldnt handle it anymore. This was their life, and it was killing him.
Ash pulled away, looking down at Damien. There were tears in the younger boys eyes, a forced smile on his lips. "It's gonna be okay," he said again. "I'm here for you, you dont have to go through this alone." He wanted to protect him, to sheild him from all of it.
"Thanks." Damien said quietly, turning back to the window. He was humming again, that same song Drake had sang to him, that had stayed with him since he heard it.
Ash stood behind Damien, listening to him hum the song. For as strong as he tried to be, he was powerless. Without Damien there to give him a reason to fight, he was weak. He was like a little brother to him, someone he wanted to protect. Damien was his strength, and he needed him to get through this darkness. To shine a light in it so he didnt get lost within the pain and hatred flowing through his body.
they stood like that until the others came to get them, to start their usual routine. Neither of them spoke, they just watched to world pass them by as Damien hummed that song. Ash placed his hand on his shoulder, assuring him that everything would be all right.
"I know it will." Damien said, smiling before they were let out to begin their day.
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Morgan and Reid were driving to the Nichols/Parker house to question Josh. There was a chance he'd seen the man who took Drake, maybe seen anyone who might have been with him. They needed something else to go on, or this case was lost.
Morgan took his eyes off the road, looking over at Reid. He'd been quiet since Paul had mentioned Sanders. They'd spent the last year helping him through that whole ordeal, only to have some sicko bring it all back up.
"Reid, you okay?"
"Yeah." he answered, trying not to sound distracted.
"If its bothering you, you can tell me. I'm here for you man." Morgan said. It hurt to think that reid was holding it all back, trying to handle it on his own.
"The nightmares are back." he said quietly after a few minutes. "It's all comeing back."
Morgan put a hand on his shoulder. "it'll be okay, we're gonna catch these guys."
reid shook his head. "We may not find all of those kids, and the ones we might find..." his voice trailed off. "they've been gone so long..."
"I know." Morgan said, hiding his anger. Anger at what had happened to Reid, at what those kids were surly going through. hatered at the kinds of people who could do those things. "We're gonna get them out of there."
"I hope so..." Reid said, voice lost to him now.
Audrey welcomed them into the house with a forced smile. She wasnt angry with them, she was just hurting. She'd read those horrid articles and tried to reason with herself that Drake couldnt be with those kinds of people. But she knew, somehow she knew the truth.
She knocked on the door to the boys' room softly, entering it as she had so many times since Drake had been taken. Usually, she waited until everyone was gone, then she'd climb into Drake's bed and cry. But not today.
"Josh," She said softly, looking onto her son. "The FBI agents want to talk to you, okay?"
He turned toward her, whiping the tears away from his face. "Mom?" he asked quietly.
"What is it?" She asked, sitting next to him.
"Nothing..." he replied. he couldnt ask her if she blamed him, he was too afraid of the answer.
She smiled, pulling him into a tight hug. "It's going to be okay." She said softly. "They're going to find," She choked back a sob. "they'll find Drake."
She pulled herself away from Josh, standing in the doorway. "I'll bring them up." And then she was gone.
Josh threw on a long sleeved shirt, moving to the couch and waiting. He tugged athis sleeves repeatedly, making sure the bandages were covered.
Audrey lead the agents to the boys' room, letting them in before standing in the hallway. She wanted to be close, in case josh needed her.
"Hi Josh," Morgan said. "I'm Derek morgan, this is Spencer Reid, can we talk to you for a few minutes?"
Josh nodded. "Sure."
"We're trying to find your brother." Morgan said, pulling out the mugshot of Paul. "Do you recognize him at all?"
Josh stared into the face of the man who'd taken his brother. he seemed familier. "I think so."
"Do you know where you might of seen him, or if he was with anyone?" Morgan asked.
"I think he was at the Premire a few times, that's the theatre where I work." Josh said. The man had been following Drake around while he'd been ignoring him. "I, I didnt see anyone with him though. I wasnt really paying attention..."
"It's okay." reid said, placing a hand on Josh's shoulder. "You wouldnt have known to suspect him, he wouldnt have stood out."
Josh looked at the agents, trying not to cry in front of them. "You guys are going to find Drake, right?"
"yeah." Morgan said. "We're going to bring him home." He could see how badly the kid was hurting.
Josh nodded, turning his eyes to the floor. "It's all my fault he got taken, I should have had his back."
"It wasnt your fault." Morgan tried to assure him. He knew that kind of guilt, what it could do to you. When Reid had been taken, they'd always been a step behind, they hadnt been there in time to save him from the things that had happened. "The people who took your brother would have tried even if you'd been there, they might have killed you if you'd interfered."
Josh shook his head. "Even if they'd have killed me, at least i'd have been there for him! I was terrible to him before they took him, I," he was crying and he hated it. "I should have had his back, I should have apologized when i had the chance..."
Reid grasped Josh's hand, holding it tightly. "If you'd have been hurt, then Drake would have blamed himself. He wouldnt have the strength to fight back." he said. "He needs you to be strong right now, because when he comes home, he's going to need you." Reid knew, he knew what it was like to need someone. To be so hurt and afriad that it left you paralyzed.
"Do you think he's blaming me?" Josh asked, voice small.
"No." Reid answered sincerely. "He won't blame you."
"I think my parents do..." josh said. "They blame me." He tried to make the tears stop. "They dont say it, but, i know they're thinking that if I would have been a better person, Drake would still be here."
Morgan shook his head. "Your parents are just hurting right now, they dont blame you, Josh. What happened wasnt your fault."
Audrey leaned aganst the wall for support, her hand over her mouth as she tried to quiet the tears. She hadnt known Josh felt that way...of course they didn't blame him, none of this was his fault. Siblings fight. Josh would have died to protect Drake, he was the best friend, brother, that Drake could have. She couldnt let Josh feel that way. Fall into that guilt...
She waited until the agents had left to go back to the boys' room, and, without a word took Josh into her arms. ""it wasnt your fault," She cried. "We love you Josh, it wasnt your fault."
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They were in the kitchen when it happened.
Their work day was comeing to a close when Damein turned away from the dishes he was washing and looked at Drake, smiling. "Can you sing the song for me, the one about the birds?"
Drake looked over his shoulder, seeing the others ignoring them as they worked. "Sure," he smiled, singing it softly as he dried the dishes.
Drake lost track of the flow of dishes as he quetly sang to Damien, listening to him hum along. He reached for the next dish to dry, but it wasnt there. He stopped singing, looking over at Damien's quiet face staring out the window. he was smiling as tears slid down his cheeks.
"Damien?" he asked.
There was no response, just the rise and fall of his chest as he took a shaky breath.
Drake looked down at the water, his breath catching in his throat. It was red! Damien's hands were under the water, out of sight, shaking as the sinks murky water grew redder. He couldnt move, he wanted to pull Damien's arms out, to see that he was okay, but he was paralyzed.
He wanted to call out, to say Damien's name, to get anyone's attention. he was frozen in a fear that he'd never known. His eyes screaming as his voice faught with his breath to come out.
"Damien..." he said in a frightened whisper.
Ash looked over to them, waiting for the next dish to put away when he snapped. All of his reserve, all of his strength bleeding out of him. "Damien...?" he asked in a shocked whisper.
"DAMIEN!" Ash screamed, pushing past Drake he pulled Damien away from the sink, eyes falling onto the open veins, the blood falling onto the floor.
he fell to the floor, cradleing Damien against him as he put his hands over his wrsits, trying to stop the bleeding. "Damien, Damien look at me, please!"
Benny and Dustin were quick to act, each of them grabbing Drake and Zane as they tried to go to Damien's side. Drake screamed as his left arm was twisted behind his back, as he was pulled away from his dying friend. Dustin placed his hand over Drake's mouth, trying to quiet him. Benny did the same with Zane.
"Damien," Ash begged, his tears falling onto the younger boys pale face. "Please, dont die, please..."
Damien looked up at Ash, smiling sadly. "It's over now, I'm free now..." He said as his own tears fell. "this death, it's saving me."
"No. no," Ash said, holding the boy closer. "I can't loose you, Damien,"
"It's okay." damien said. "tell Abigale that i'm sorry, that i love her..."
"You're gonna be okay." Ash said, though he knew better.
Brent and Richard grabbed Ash's arms, trying to pull him away from Damien.
"You fucking basterds!" Ash screamed as he pulled against them, trying to get back to his friend. He couldnt let him die, wouldnt let him be alone. "Let go of me." He yelled, breaking Richard's grasp he swung his free arm, hitting brent across the face.
He fell to the floor, grasping Damien's hand and holding it tightly. He hadnt realized his own hand was covered in damien's blood...
"Please," Damien said as his eyes glazed over, slowly shutting away his blue eyes.
"I'll tell her." Ash whispered.
Zane and Drake pulled against the men holding them, their tears falling as their muffled cries echoed against the walls.
Richard hit Ash across the face, dazing him. He grabbed Ash by the hair, pulling him to his feet and securing his hold on him. Ash turned toward Damien's lifeless body, reaching for him. "Damien..."
"get them downstairs and lock them up." Brent ordered, looking at Damien's body in disguet.
~...Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see All your life You were only waiting for this moment to be free...Blackbird fly, blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night~