There was a time Ben had considered coming back to the light.

Many times, multiple times, a thousand times.

There were nights he was unable to sleep because the fond memories of his parents lurked. There were nights where fifteen year old Ben would cry for his mother like a young child. There were nights that he would forget of the sins he had committed and believe that he was still in temple under the mentorship of his Uncle. There were times he woke up in the middle of the night searching for her, Rey, the girl who liked to sneak into his bed.

There were many times he considered of going back for her.

But he couldn't. He was supposed to kill her off like the others but he didn't. Master Snoke had sparred Ben for not following orders however for leaving the girl alone in a miserable planet, unaware of her potential and power was just the same as killing her. The girl will never know her true strength. The girl will never be a threat again.

"You still think of yourself as Ben Solo," his master commented. "You are not him anymore. You are no longer son of Han and Leia Solo. That poor boy is gone."

"I don't master," Ben said feebly, unable to hide his emotions. It has been five months since he had killed the Jedis - his classmates. He was nearing sixteen in a few days.

Snoke frowned. "Don't ever lie to me. I am your master. Even little lies are disrespectful."

"I won't do that again," Ben responded.

"Don't think that I don't care about you," his voice went low. "I've been watching you since you were born. I've been your guardian while your family had failed in providing you care. You are a son to me."

Ben looked up.

"Don't sympathize Han and Leia Solo. They saw you as a burden. They sent you off the moment they couldn't take it. They never visited you during the years you were under the care of your uncle. They never cared. They never loved you as much as I did."

Ben nodded. He knew now of the truth. All the nights he walked in on his parents fighting - all the nights he walked in on his mother crying - he knew the reason why. He was the problem. They wanted him gone.

"I favor you the most out of all my students. I see more potential in you than anyone in all the galaxies," Master Snoke reminded him. "You're my favorite. No one can ever take that place from you, not even Armitage Hux. I have so much faith in you. I just wish you had more faith in me."

His eyes widened. "I do master, you have my loyalty." He immediately bowed down unaware of the smirk that was resting on his Master's face.

Ben considered going back - especially now. He was standing in place like a mannequin as servants dressed him in the finest fabrics and grooming him. He usually dressed himself but today was a special occasion. It was his birthday today and Snoke decided for the First Order to have a celebration.

This doesn't feel like a birthday celebration and it wasn't. This was a ceremony, a coronation. He will be presented to the whole Order and be knighted and given a new name.

This - this doesn't feel right. This was a mistake - he has to going back -

His eyes lowered to the ground.

He killed all the apprentices. He had betrayed his family.

His family doesn't want him anymore.

He can never go back.

This - the Order, was the only thing he had left.

He pulls himself from his thoughts when he hears Armitage snicker.

"What?" Ben snapped. "What's your fucking problem?" He glared at the scrawny boy with fiery red hair. This boy was scrawnier than Ben, bird like with leering features. Since day one of being here, Ben had been trying to get on good terms with Armitage but Armitage refused.

"You," the boy said smugly. "You believe that Leader Snoke has so much faith in you and yet he wants to change your name. If only he knew that changing your name won't make a difference. You're always going to be weak."

"This isn't the main event. He's having this celebration for my birthday," Ben bit the words out. He knew that this wasn't true but he didn't care. He just wanted to spite Hux. "You just feel threatened because Snoke has never thrown you a celebration for anything." Ben was tired of trying to be civil with someone who doesn't. Ben wasn't going to let Hux push him around and bully him any longer.

"That's enough," Master Snoke said as he walked in.

Hux went pale. "Master I can expl -

"We're not going discuss this right now," Snoke glared at him. "Today is Ben's day. You've been under my care much longer than him, since you were a child. Ben never had that and this is just making for lost time. We are celebrating this day because he is no longer a boy, he is a man now. Armitage, you are intelligent and cunning and have so much waiting for you but your jealousy is your downfall. I care for all my pupils equally in different forms. Don't forget how fortunate you are."

Hux nodded. "Forgive me, Master."

"All has been forgiven," their master said mercilessly.

Ben repressed himself from smiling.

The ceremony felt like a funeral. No one was smiling. Everyone was quiet with stern faces as he walked to the alter and knelt down to be knighted.

Ben didn't feel nervous but he felt like he was dying. He's sixteen now. He's no longer a child. He's going to be an adult soon. And that scared him. As an adult he's supposed to make his own choices but he's not even close to that.

He was on his knee, completely still as his master gave the speech.

"I have watched you since you were an infant. I have witnessed your inner turmoil throughout the years. You were given a destiny that was not meant for you. The factors in your life made you unable to see your true calling. It was difficult for you to stray from your lineage but you're older now. You see the truth, you possess the strength that has been repressed. You will be a great leader and provide an immense contribution to the Order. From this day forth, you will no longer live your days haunted by your past. From this day forth, you are Kylo Ren."

Ben opened his eyes to the sound of clapping.

He remained frozen, resting on his knee. Kylo? Ren? Kylo Ren? That was the name his master had chosen? He understood his master wanted him to dissociate Ben from his ties but Kylo? The name was so distant. So stern. So cold. Ben couldn't help but to wonder if Rey would like his new name - if she would even accept being held by a man named Kylo.

Master Snoke gestured for Ben to stand up.

Ben quickly stood up and bowed to the members of the Order.

The name didn't settle well at all.

Dancing wasn't something that was partaken in the Order. Instead the people had conversations with one another and drank as the music played in the background. This wasn't much of an issue for Ben never liked dancing in public. He never felt comfortable to. He was too self conscious. And right now he felt very, very self conscious. He felt as if everyone was looking at him. It was his party but it didn't feel like it. He was still new and barely knew anyone. And the people he did know he wasn't quite fond of either. He walked around and tried to find a place to be by himself.

It was hard to move. There's so many people.

"Drink?" a servant offered from the tray.

Ben shook his head. "No thank you-

"But it's your birthday," a guest said.

Ben stole a glance at the guest. It was boy around his age. "Come on, celebrate once in a while."

Ben shook his head. "Thank you, but later. I'm not feeling well."

"Don't tell me Kylo's a coward too," Hux intercepted the conversation. Hux grabbed two glasses of wine and drank them in seconds. He carelessly tossed them back to the servant. "You're not Ben anymore. You're not the sheltered Prince. You are under the name of Snoke, certainly Kylo can be able withstand some alcohol."

He rolled his eyes. "For your information I want to eat first. Drinking isn't a substitute for bread," he mumbled as the boys around his age drank down the hard liquor as if it was actual substance. Ben tried alcohol before, now and then since he was twelve, his father would give him sips to try. Ben wasn't much of a fan of it for he felt it was poisoning his body. But he gets it why all of the fellow students were drinking. They were restricted to drink unless it was a special occasion.

Hux shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Ben left the room and went outside to sit alone with his thoughts. He liked parties back athome much better. The First Order parties were dull and lifeless. No one was dancing. They were all getting bloody drunk. He didn't even bother to eat, he just wanted to get out of the room as fast as possible. Being here isn't bad, in fact the fellow students were just the same like the ones at his Uncle's temple. They were all stuck up and haughty and didn't see him as one of them. Ben sighed as he realized that no matter where he went, he'll never be accepted.

He counted the stars to pass the time. Counted the shooting stars and the planets. He wondered how Rey was doing. He wondered if she was safe. He wondered if there was a nice family that found her and took her in.

But...what if she was dead?

No, he reminded himself. He pushed the thought away that constantly reoccurred. No. He would have felt it. She was alive but she was far, far away.

Jantu, a fellow student goes to him. "Kylo!" he called out.

Ben didn't responded to the name.

"Kylo!"

Still, Ben didn't respond.

"Kylo!" Jantu tapped on Ben's shoulder.

Ben blinked several times. He wasn't used to the name yet. "Sorry - the name's still fresh to me - yes?" he asked as he turned to find Jantu standing there. There were a few students that he liked very much who were kind to him, Jantu was one of them.

"Master Snoke wants to see you."

Ben raised his eyebrow. Next ritual? Snoke didn't mention anything about that. "Very well," he responded. But Ben doesn't question about it. He knows his master. He knows his master has good intentions. Jantu takes Ben back inside and leads him to Snoke.

"Yes Master?" Ben asked. His heart skipped a beat as Jantu disappeared. He felt everyone staring at him again. But this time, they were staring at him in silence. The only sound that was being heard was music.

"Follow me," his master said.

Ben nodded and followed.

Master Snoke led Ben to a private sector of a base, a private chamber.

"What's going on?" Ben asked. They were standing outside of a closed room.

"Inside the room is my gift to you."

He raised his eyebrow. "A gift?"

Master Snoke nodded. "Look inside."

Ben opened the door slightly - there were three girls sitting on the bed, dressed in short lacy clothing. They were all looked to be in their earlier twenties. Ben immediately shut the door out of embarrassment. "What's this - what's going on?"

"They are for you. For tonight. If you like them I can arrange them to come back."

"You can't be serious -

"I know you never been involved romantically with anyone, let alone had sex. You are a man now but I know you are still timid with women. This will help you with your confidence and help you gain experience for when the time comes when do find an interest."

Ben stared at Snoke in horror. "You must be joking."

"I never joke around Kylo. Are you not pleased of the women I picked out for you? They are young and attractive and I had them inspected. They are all clean and are experienced. They will teach you and you will find out what you like."

"I don't want this," Ben bit the words out. This was disturbing. It felt as if his father took him to a brothel but worse. This- this was his mentor.

"You're sixteen and you're still a virgin. You haven't even had your first kiss yet. It's better to have sex right away than when you're older so you can learn. You'll learn how to pleasure a woman. You'll learn not to be attached. You can use this to your advantage."

Blood pumped to his cheeks. "Is this part of some kind of ritual here? When someone turns sixteen their parental figure or mentor gets them prostitutes?" Ben spat out. Sure he was a teenager and had urges but he didn't want to solve them like this. He wanted to have his first time with someone he cared for. He doesn't care if the other students ridiculed him for being a virgin. He doesn't want to do it if it's not meaningful.

"Typically the mentor does this when the student turns fifteen and they get one woman but I figured having three will help you immensely with your confidence. You're so insecure, so doubtful of every action you do. Kylo, trust me. This will help you."

"This feels wrong."

"It's unnatural for a man your age to restrain yourself from your urges." Snoke frowned. "There's nothing to feel strange about it. It'll just be you and the women. There is a lock in the room and I will leave this area and go back to the celebration. You will have complete privacy and all the time you need."

Ben exhaled and forced himself to nod. He waited until Snoke was gone before going inside the room and locking the door shut.

The girls were beautiful. The second he came in, they pulled him to the bed. Ben was hesitant but he knew that this was part of a ritual. The Order didn't see sex as pleasure and wanted the students to learn right away so they can use it their advantage against their enemies.

"Which one do you want first?" the woman with blonde hair asked.

"Or do you want all of us?" the woman with black hair asked.

Ben blushed and froze as the three women took off their clothes. Immediately he looked away.

"Don't be embarrassed," the red head said. She grabbed his hands and placed them on her bare breasts.

Ben pulled away - the blonde girl kissed him then. He pulled away from her and pulled the black hair girl's hand from his crotch.

"I don't want you guys to do this." He doesn't want to lose his virginity like this, to prostitutes. The girls were in their early twenties but he knew damn well that they were forced into it since they were thirteen or fourteen and were used to be treated like this. He feels bad for them. They deserved to be freed. His mother taught him better.

"Don't be afraid. It'll help you become stronger," the red headed girl said.

"This will help you differentiate from love and pleasure. You will need to learn this," the blonde girl said. She leaned and kissed him again.

"No -

"It's okay," the girls all said as they pulled at his clothes.

And that night was the night Ben died.

His mother didn't raise him like that.

That was the night Ben died and Kylo was born.

Master Skywalker had been waiting for them. He had sensed them an hour ago and so he stood by the landing grounds. Rey's eyes lit up for a moment until she felt Kylo's discomfort. He latches on to her hand and squeezes it as if he owned it - owned her.

"This is a bad idea. How naïve of me to think -

"No, it isn't," she assured him. She lets him hold her hand, lets him hold her like that - as if she was his only connection with the outside world. She knows that feeling, had felt that feeling for many years. Her only source of comfort was the doll that she believed her parents had given her. So she lets him hold her, lets him grasp her like that. "Don't be afraid -

"I'm not afraid."

She bit her lip. "Just trust me," her voice was firm.

She led him out of the ship, step by step. Slowly, allowing him to process what was happening. She can feel his heart beating. He's terrified - he's squeezing her hand that it hurts. Rey keeps going, keeps leading them closer to the outside world. Even though he was hesitating, he followed. He followed behind like the shadow he promised he would be. And that he was. This man dressed in black, this man latching on to her like a joint that connected her bones to another.

She can hear his breathing, it's becoming heavy. Sharp.

The light blinds their vision for a moment until they fixated their gaze on something else, the man that was waiting for them - Master Skywalker.

Master Skywalker stood there in silence. He stared at them indifferently. No anger. No sadness. No relief. Instead, he just stared at them. Master Skywalker was examining them - examining him.

Kylo stared back and searched for an emotion, a thought. Anything.

Rey cleared her throat and swallowed hard. "Master -

Kylo squeezed her hand to stay silent. Kylo knows his uncle, knows when he wanted complete silence.

And so she did.

Kylo hadn't imagined what it would be like coming back in years. The last time he thought about it was when he was nearing twenty one. He was six years under the apprenticeship of Master Snoke and yet he wondered what would happened if he came back to his uncle. Young Ben imagined being yelled at, being called a traitor and a disgrace and being rejected from ever coming back. And that's why Ben never came back.

"You've been away for quite some time," his uncle stated calmly. "Your training starts tomorrow."

Kylo blinked and took a step forward. "What?"

Rey blinked as well. She had expected to see fire in her master's eyes. She expected her master to start screaming at him and her but instead he was taking it well. Too well that it was frightening. Eerie.

"I know the things you've done. I know your pain and I know you feel remorse every single day in your life. I know you seek redemption. There's no use in discussing it because it's all laid out before us," Luke responded. "You're not the first person who's strayed from the light and you're not the first member in the family that has."

"Why do you accept me so easily?" he asked.

"Accepting you is one of the greatest things I can do in saving you, save the humanity left in you by giving you my faith. But my forgiveness and trust won't be given so easily, those must be earned."

"I don't seek redemption."

"I know because you already have it, you have her."