Eleven
"It's ok, Morgan," Spencer lied as he interrupted him. He already figured Morgan was leaving him and he didn't need some embarrassing speech on top of it. If he knew anything about Morgan it was that he didn't have to feel something for the people he became intimate with and he should have known that Morgan wasn't going to make any exceptions for him.
"What's ok?" Morgan questioned, unsure if Spencer understood what he was about to say.
"You leaving." Spencer stood as he spoke. His eyes briefly searched the room for his boxers, and he slid them back on when he found them. Morgan watched him in silence, saddened that he was losing sight of Spencer's body. Following Spencer, Morgan stood and grabbed his jeans. As he pulled them on, he had to admit, he felt a little unnerved that Spencer was ok with him leaving. While he was happy that he wasn't upsetting Spencer, he felt rejected and told himself that he'd been stupid for thinking that the genius valued his presence enough to be hurt by his absence.
While Morgan's mind wandered, Spencer tried not to look at him. When he saw Morgan grabbing his jeans, Spencer felt his eyes begin to moisten and didn't want Morgan to know how upsetting it was to watch him prepare to leave. While trying to hide his eyes, Spencer moved to his dresser, pulled sweat pants from the drawer, and put them on. When he slipped a t-shirt over his head, he took the occasion to secretly wipe away a tear that had formed in his doleful brown eyes.
"I'll, um, I'll walk you out." he said looking at the floor as he rushed through the bedroom door, still trying to hide the tears that welled up each time he spoke. As he approached the door of his apartment, Spencer wondered how most people handled this. He thought about the number of times he'd overheard Morgan talking about a "good time". He thought about how many people had been in the same position he was now in. He wondered if any of them wanted Morgan to stay and if they'd been as heartbroken as Spencer was now when they realized that he wasn't going to.
"You know, kid, if you want me to go, I'll go," Morgan said as he reached for the door, "But if you want me to stay..."
Shyly, Spencer looked up at him. "Y-you don't have to. It's ok." While Spencer's lips lied, his eyes were unable to, and Morgan could see torrent streams growing within them.
"Reid," he said tenderly, "if you want me to stay,"
Spencer couldn't look at him, much less answer his presumption. He mistook Morgan's inability to walk out the door for arrogance. As if it wasn't hurtful enough to take his virginity and leave, now Morgan wanted Spencer to ask him to stay, to admit that he wanted something that clearly wasn't reciprocated. It felt belittling, but what felt worse was the fact that it came from his best friend, from someone he trusted. Spencer always thought Morgan looked out for him, protected him, and now he felt like Morgan was turning his feelings into a joke. While Spencer's feelings had been even further hurt, he began to grow irritated at the seemingly smug, condescending comments.
"I don't want you to," Spencer whispered as the pain he felt mixed with anger. "You don't have to patronize me."
"I wasn't," Morgan said calmly. While Morgan fully intended on leaving Spencer tonight, the act itself seemed quite hard to accomplish. Usually having the other person's consent on the matter made leaving even easier, but when Morgan made it to the door, he couldn't open it. When Spencer told him to leave, he protested. The only reason Morgan wanted to leave was to protect Spencer's feelings, but looking at him now, Morgan felt like he was already failing, and he couldn't stand to see saddness in Spencer's eyes.
"Look, kid, we both know committment isn't my thing, right?" Morgan started.
"I said it's fine, Morgan, really." Spencer interjected, trying to hide how upset he was.
Morgan's lips formed a playful smile as he said, "You know, pretty boy, I'm gettin' a little tired of you interrupting me tonight." He stepped closer to Spencer and looked into his eyes devotedly. "Committment isn't usually my thing. But if you want me to stay, I'll stay."
Spencer crossed his arms and kept his eyes on the ground, hoping to hide them from Morgan. When a faint tear that had formed in his eye began to fall, Morgan reached his hand to Spencer's check and used his thumb to brush it away delicately.
"Pretty boy," Morgan exhaled, unsure of what he was about to say. "I don't know if I can be the guy you need. I know how to have a good time, I know how to have fun, and I know how to leave. I don't really know how to stay. It's just not something I've ever really done much. But what I was gonna say earlier is that when I get with someone I usually just leave, but I don't want to leave you tonight."
Shocked, Spencer's watery eyes, which had been avoiding Morgan's, looked directly into them. Morgan's face was serious and his eyes were sincere, but Spencer had experienced so many new emotions in the last 24 hours that he wasn't sure exactly what to think or feel or believe.
With his hand still on brushing Spencer's skin softly, Morgan continued, "You've known me a long time, man, and you know what I'm about, so I was going to ask you, knowing full well who I am and what I do, if you wanted me to stay. I told myself that leaving you now was the best thing I could do for you, that I needed to leave you now to protect you later. I told myself I'm not the right kinda guy for you, and I still feel like that may be true, but walking out your door is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. I'm still standing here, Reid. And like I said, if you want me to go, I'll go. But that doesn't mean it's what I want to do."
Stunned, Spencer questioned, "You don't want to leave?" afraid that he misunderstood.
"No, I don't." Morgan said, feeling a little apprehensive. "All I want to do is protect you, Spencer, and staying may not be the best way to do that, but I can't just walk away from you. You know me. You know the risk. So I need to know, do you want me to stay with you tonight or do you want me to leave?"