A/N: Thanks for the continued support as always. And thanks to my girls for helping me in my never ending search for lyrics for these chapters! You guys are the best!

I own nothing, Just Lucy.

Chapter 11: Who I am hates Who I've Been

You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...
'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

It was Saturday afternoon and yet, the streets were virtually empty as we drove through town. You'd think that these people would be used to the rain, especially with living here, that they wouldn't be afraid to venture out.

"Is it always this deserted on a Saturday afternoon?"

Lucy turned towards me slightly and shrugged with a confused look in her eyes. Almost as if she was thinking 'why the hell are you asking me for?' Of course, Lucy would never say something like that what so ever. She was a good girl after all and good girls didn't talk like that. I was partially surprised that with the time the two of us have spent together, she hasn't picked up on my cursing habits. I admit though, I think if I were ever to hear her talk like that, something tells me I'd find it incredibly attractive. Go fucking figure right?

Driving down the main street, I noticed that there wasn't much going on down here. We drove past Esme's flower shop which, until now, had no idea where it was. It was open and I could've been nice and went to visit her but that didn't happen and I kept on driving. Before I knew it, I found myself parking in front of a small group of shops towards the end of the street.

"Are we…buying books?" Lucy glanced around once we were out of the car. We had stopped in front of a tiny bookstore unbeknownst to me.

"No."

"Then where are we going."

"We're going to…" I looked around quickly, spotting something right away "we're going to get ice cream."

"Ice cream? Jasper, it's the middle of November and you want to eat something cold?"

"It's the best time to eat it now come on." She stood there for a second before catching up to walk along side me. "Now, please don't tell me that you dislike ice cream."

"Oh no" she shook her head as we entered the small shop "I love it. I actually love sweet things. I just you know, can't have a lot of them these days." She said the last part quietly, as if someone was listening in to our conversation.

Oh, way to go you fool. Way to bring the fucking Diabetic to an ice cream shop..

Shit. Oh, well it wasn't that bad was it? I was pretty sure that Lucy didn't sit around eating sugary things all the time anyways.

There were a few people in the shop. An elderly couple in the corner, two young girls talking a mile and a couple kids from our school. I felt Lucy's hesitation before we even approached the counter.

"Hey Lucinda." A male voice caused us both to snap our heads up towards the noise and we came face to face with one of the guys from school. His name was Mike or something. I had in a class or two and he was annoying as hell. That guy tried way to fucking hard to get the attention of girls who wanted nothing to do with him. He thought he was the shit, when in reality, he was just a normal high school student wanting desperately to fit in. "What brings you here?"

"To get ice cream?" she titled her head a bit and glanced over at me quickly.

"Yea because you know, it does say ice cream outside Newton." That was the fucker's name! I suddenly remembered. He was hardly paying attention to me though, his eyes were obviously fixated on Lucy. And what was worse was that she didn't even notice him doing it.

"So um, you two dating? I see you guys in the library sometimes."

"No." Lucy was quick to answer but I took a clear step towards her, debating whether or not to wrap an arm around her.

"But if you're being some sort of a stalker, then we're going to have a problem."

"What did you say to me?" he was shocked.

"Mike…can you go help those customers?" a girl appeared beside him, waving her hand to another couple at the other end "I'll help them." She smiled warmly at us and I swore she went to our school too I just couldn't think of her name. Reluctantly, Mike left us alone.

"Thanks Angela." Lucy sighed in relief. I glanced at the girl better this time. So this was Angela; the girl who had stepped forward saying that I hadn't started that fight in the cafeteria that day. She was a pretty girl with her long hair and glasses. She just looked like a good person.

"It's not a problem. Mike can be too much sometimes. Doesn't know what to mind his own business. Anyways, what can I get for you?"

I went first, ordering while Lucy scanned the different flavors. When she came back, she still looked a bit hesitant.

"Lucy, just order something."

"Oh, sorry. Um, can I…" she looked again "I want raspberry and chocolate." She nodded, clearly pleased with her choice "oh! And can I get some of those cherries on top?"

"Um, yea sure." Angela smiled, getting out orders before ringing us up. After I paid, we sat at one of the tables inside.

"You sure picked an odd ass combination of ice cream flavors."

She didn't respond, just nodded as she got the perfect balance of each flavor on her spoon before sticking it in her mouth. Don't ask me why but for the life of me, I couldn't keep my eyes off of her as she did it. The expression on her face was fucking priceless. Almost like she had just tasted the most wonderful thing in the world.

"Oh wow." She laughed lightly "I don't even remember when the last time was that I had chocolate." She sighed with such contentment you'd think that someone had just kissed her or given her a present. "And these cherries" she beamed "are amazing."

"You get excited over the simplest things don't you Lucy?" the question sounded more condescending than I actually meant for it to be. I actually enjoyed seeing her like this; it meant that things were okay, that she was in a good place.

"I just appreciate the small things." She shrugged. "Thanks by the way for this. I can't tell you the last time I went out for ice cream. Before I moved here probably was the last time. I think I went with…" her smiled suddenly turned into a frown "Well, never mind that. It's just been awhile."

No, like hell I was going to drop it. For a second, I saw the same look pass through Lucy's eyes that I saw in her mother's that day I met them. That look of longing and sadness.

"Can I ask you something Lucy?"

"Um, ok?"

"Remember that day I met your parents" she nodded "I noticed that day that your mom was staring at me funny. Almost as if I reminded her of someone."

"Oh, that's just mom."

"No, no it's not because I just saw the same damn look in your eyes Lucy. Now, we're friends right?"

"Yea."

"And friends are honest with one another right?"

"I suppose so."

"Then tell me Lucy. Tell me why you two get this sudden look of sadness and longing in your eyes when you talk."

She took another spoonful of the ice cream before setting it down on the table in front of her "Mom was probably looking at you that way because you no doubt reminded her of Carlos."

"Who?"

She took a deep breath, looked away from me for a second before coming back to me. Something she did when she was extremely nervous about something. "My brother." Her voice was barely above a whisper but I heard her quite clearly.

"Brother? Lucy, you have a brother and you haven't told me?"

"It uh, never came up?" she had her hands folded in her lap now but I could still hear that unmistaken snapping noise. I was suddenly wondering if the reason she hadn't mentioned him before was because something had happened to him. Oh shit, what if this guy was dead or something and that's why they looked and sounded so sad. I was already this far, might as well go all the way now.

"Is there a reason for that?"

"Carlos is a touchy subject for all of us. Well, more so for me actually. It was the hardest on me I think."

"What was?"

"His decision to stay behind when we moved. But, it's not like he could've come anyways…" she looked down at her hands.

"Why didn't he?"

"It's a long story Jasper and I don't really want to talk about it right now."

"You two are really close aren't you?"

Her lips curved up into the tiniest smile when I asked her so I knew I was right before she even answered.

"He's always been my protector I guess. He's a few years older than me but we've always been really close to one another. He's the only one who gets me and all my crazy fascinations. He also…" she paused "well, he's really the only one who knows how to deal with me."

"Deal with you?"

"You know, with all my anxieties and such?"

"Oh. Well that's good I guess. So, I'm taking it he's a bit of rebel or trouble maker?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Like I said, I saw the way your mom was looking at me. Like she was looking at me and seeing him. And I highly doubt it was my appearance that was similar to him so it had to be my attitude or some shit like that."

"Well, you two definitely talk very similar. Except you know, he speaks in Spanish a lot of the time. I guess my brother's a bit of a caviloso too. He's extremely protective of me. In fact, that's why he couldn't come with us."

"What?"

"Um, just forget that last part okay?"

"I'm not going to forget, but I won't press it."

"Is that it? Now you know that I have a brother…a brother that I love very much."

"I can tell Lucy that you care about him a lot. And if you don't want me to, I won't bring him up anymore I guess."

"Well now that you know about him, there's no sense in hiding the fact anymore. In fact, he threatened to come all the way up here to um…well, to beat you up."

"What the fuck? Why?" I didn't know him, why would he want to kick my ass.

"Remember my birthday, in front of my house?" I didn't need reminding, neither of us did. I nodded, she continued "Well, as soon as you left and I went inside, he called me and Carlos can always tell when there's something wrong with me so I told him. He right away went into protector mode and after he calmed me down, he told me he'd come. I just had to say the words…"

"Your brother would really come all the way up here for that?"

"Carlos acts first, thinks later." She shrugged. "Kind of like someone else I know."

She must've mistaken my silence as either fear or anger because she right away added "But, don't worry Jasper I would never ask Carlos to come do something like that. I don't want anyone getting hurt." the sincerity of her words caught me off guard for a second. Yes, she was talking to me but there was a hint of guilt in her voice when she said, as if she had blamed herself for something that had happened in her past. Who knows, maybe she did?

"Well, as much as I appreciate your reassurance" it was true, I did sort of enjoy the fact that she was actually concerned for my well being "but I'm pretty sure I could handle myself."

"Oh but you don't know Carlos." she shook her head "he can be very relentless when it comes to things."

"I'm pretty sure we won't have to worry about him coming any time soon now do we?"

"No, I guess you're right. Alright" she ate a bit more of her now melting ice cream before looking back at me "it's your turn now."

"My turn for what?"

"I told you something about me, now it's your turn to tell me something and answer one of my questions."

"Says who?"

"Me" she smiled "It's only fair Jasper."

Girl has a point. How much are you going to tell her though?

Well that depended all on the question obviously.

"Fine" I eventually gave in "Just one."

"Really?" she seemed surprised that I had actually agreed. "Ok, ok let me think of one." she thought for a couple seconds before speaking again "how did your…I mean Carlisle and your mother meet?"

Well, that certainly wasn't the question I thought she was going to ask me. At the same time however, it wasn't really one I felt like answering either. Again, Lucy was about to make me dig back into those memories that I didn't have any intention of visiting again. But, she had given me answers so it was only fair to give her the same courtesy I guess.

"They met when my mother was nineteen and Carlisle was already in his late twenties. He had, according to her, finished medical school and was doing his residency at one of the hospitals in Houston. My mom worked at a bookstore during that time and that's when they met. Apparently they both had a great love of books."

"In a bookstore? Oh, how romantic. I love reading and books…"

"Yea, yea. Well anyways, after that night, he kept coming back to the store everyday so that he could see her and eventually, he worked up enough courage to take her out on a date and after that? Well, they were inseparable for two years."

"Two years? Wow, that's a long time. They were…in love?"

"Mom always said Carlisle was the love of her life and that those two years with him were the happiest she had ever been."

"So what happened?"

"Story goes once he was done with the residency, he was offered the job here in Washington and he took it right away, not even considering my mother. They're plan was to make it a long distance relationship but, we all know that's just a bunch of bullshit." I reflected momentarily on my own relationship with Alice and how it had deteriorated once I moved here. I noticed the confused look on Lucy's face so I knew it was time to continue "but, the story doesn't end there."

"Oh?"

"For almost two years, my mother never heard from Carlisle. No phone calls, no letters. Nothing. And then one afternoon, he just suddenly popped up back in Texas at the bookstore mom still worked at. He had come for a two day conference and apparently, wanted to see if the spark and chemistry was still there between them."

"And, was it?"

"What do you think Lucy?" I gestured towards myself "Sometime during those two days, my mother became pregnant. But, here's the really fucked up part. Not only was Carlisle married when he knocked up my mom but he had a fucking a kid on the way as well."

"Oh my god, yes that would make sense. You and Edward are the same age. So, what happened? Did he just leave and never look back?"

"Basically. Oh, my mom was able to get a hold of him once she found out she was pregnant but Carlisle wanted nothing to do with her anymore. It wouldn't have looked good if the image of the new doctor and his blushing bride was shattered by some other woman. So, after I was born, she raised me on own without his help what's so ever. There was never any contact or visits from him. It was like to him, we didn't even exist. We were like this mistake he had mad. Maybe the fucker should've thought twice before he came back looking for my mom. He sought her not the other way around you know?"

"That just doesn't make sense Jasper. I mean, Dr. Cullen's such a nice man. I can't imagine him simply abandoning you and your mother."

"Are you saying my mother lied to me about everything?"

"No, no I promise." she frowned a bit "I just meant…well, I'm not sure what I meant. I'm sorry that you had to grow up without a father Jasper. That must've been extremely difficult for you."

If she only knew that an absent father was the least of your problems…

"I didn't tell you this to get sympathy from you Lucy. I told you because you wanted to know. Don't think I would've given this information out randomly."

"I get it. Well, thank you for telling me then."

"So we're even now? Your secret for mine?"

"Yes." she nodded "Sounds good to me. You know, I kind of like this."

"What?"

"This. You know, me and you just talking about anything and everything? It's very…I don't know, calming to me I guess."

"Good to know then. Now, what do you say we get out of here?"

"Sure. Actually, if you don't mind, there's someplace I'd like to show you if you don't mind?"

"Whatever." I gave her a shrug and stood up "not like I had any plans or anything."

Once in the car, she gave me a few directions leading back towards her house. We kept going past it though, about five or so minutes."

"Ok, right here."

"Lucy, there's nothing here but forest."

"I know. We're going to walk the rest of the way. Come on" she got out "it's not that far." she started walking, leaving me with no choice but to follow her. I caught up to her quickly, careful not to trip on anything. She maneuvered her way quickly through the branches and other greenery with ease.

"How can you manage to walk all this and yet you almost tripped on your own staircase?"

"I told you, it was dark. I'm not normally that ungraceful in case you haven't noticed." she was a few feet in front of me, allowing me to watch her.

"Oh well I've definitely noticed" I muttered under my breath, low enough where she couldn't hear me.

Oh, now where the hell did that come from my friend?

"Shut it" I shook my head, not having the time to deal with my inner conscious right now. This time though, Lucy heard me and she stopped to look at me, her eye brow raised a fraction.

"It's nothing." I assured her.

"I think out loud all the time so it's okay Jasper. You don't have to be embarrassed."

"I'm not embarrassed" I scoffed at her. She was really something this girl.

"Well, we're here." she stopped and I finally took the time to look around. We were out of all the trees and in a bit of a clearing. Even for someone like me who wasn't into all this nature shit, it was actually something beautiful. What drew me in though was the river that was no more than twenty feet in front of us.

"Come Jasper" she waved me over, slipping off her shoes, rolling up her jeans a bit before sticking her feet in what appeared to be freezing cold water.

"Aren't you cold?" I sat beside her but stayed away from the water. I wasn't stupid.

"No, not really. I used to come out here a lot. My parents don't really let me so much anymore."

"Why not? It's not like you're five years old."

"Yea, well tell that to them. No, but I was always getting sick all the time when I could come out here. And my parents wouldn't let me miss any school. So, yea…"

"I see." I glanced out across the water and there was actually something peaceful about it.

"Hey Jasper?"

"What?"

"If I jumped in, would you come in after me?"

"What the fuck? No."

Her face fell suddenly as if I had just told her something terrible "Why not?"

"I don't know how to swim for one and why would you jump in, that water has to be freezing."

"I can't swim either."

"Well then what the hell would you be jumping in there for?"

"Oh come on" she stood quickly, her fingers lingering on her shirt before quickly undoing them, leaving her in just the shirt underneath "it can't be that bad can it?" before I could respond, she got back down and slid back into the water. Her eyes widened a bit at the initial contact but soon enough, she just started floating there, her hands moving around the water with ease. For a second, it look like she was going to try and splash water at me. If she did, there'd be hell to pay. Not seriously of course but I knew myself; I'd be pissed.

I was about to tell her that she was being really stupid when her entire body tensed up when a strong wave of water hit her. She let out a loud scream and it made me wince a little bit. She was still close enough to the edge so I was easily able to lean over and take one of her arms and pulled her up and out of there.

"What the hell were you thinking? Are you crazy?" I raised my voice at her and instantly regretted my choice of words. But, it was too late. It had already begun. The light in Lucy's blue eyes quickly disappeared and was replaced with those pale blues full of pain and anger.

I didn't have time to apologize before she came over and tried to hit my face and my chest with her fists. I dodged most of them but she was able to get a few good hits here and there. For such a tiny person, she packed a surprisingly mean punch when the time called for it.

"You.." she continued hitting me "God, you asshole!" she hit me one more time before dropping to the ground in a rather dramatic fashion.

If this had been under any other circumstance, I would've been laughing at her. I had just caused the pastor's daughter to swear and then she proceeded to drop to the ground. It would be funny…if I didn't know that this was all real.

"Lucinda." I whispered her name.

"No, no." she rocked herself back and forth.

"Lucinda please…" shit, I had majorly screwed up.

"I'm not crazy!" she burst into tears "I swear, I never meant for it to happen…it was all my fault…I should've never…oh, god…no, no please don't tell them…" she wrapped her arms tighter around her tiny frame as the cries and screams intensified.

"Lucinda what are you talking about?" I grabbed her by her elbow and stood her up so she I could see her better. "Please, look at me." I gently grabbed her face with my other hand and lifted her chin slowly.

"Don't!" she gasped, shaking away from me "Don't touch me!" She backed up a few feet and started pacing back and forth, mumbling things to herself, her hand fervently snapping that damn rubber band against her wrist.

I stood there and watched her, not knowing how I was supposed to go about this.

During the other times when I had seen her get like this, it would take a matter of minutes for her to calm down and return back to a calm state. But, this time was different. It was worse than all the other times. Usually with a calm touch, she would stop and she'd come back to me. But, it was like I didn't even exist right now.

When I touched her she screamed in terror. She was afraid of me.

This didn't make sense. There was no reason for her to be scared of me. I have never done anything to make her feel…

"Oh God Lucinda." I ran my hands through my hair as she continued to pace. "What the fuck happened to you?" When I asked her, she actually stopped and looked at me.

"No, no…" she pointed her finger at me, looking past me. She looked like she was about to make a run for it. "I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work…no!" she attempted to run past me but I easily caught her by the waist and held her in place.

"Get away from me!" she fought against my grasp. "Please! I Swear…I'm not sick!!" she cried harder. "You don't understand! I tried so hard...he wouldn't listen to me! I just wanted him to be safe!!"

She was completely falling further and further into what could be that dark place of hers she feared so much.

I grabbed her then and tightly pulled her body against mine. She was trembling from head to toe and I knew if she didn't calm down she was going to end up passing out. I needed to bring her back to me, and fast.

"Lucinda, you need to calm down, now." my voice was by no means gentle but I knew gentle wouldn't work now. She was too far gone.

Her hands tightly grabbed a fistful of my shirt and she looked up at me, tears still streaming down her face.

"I'm not sick Jasper…" her voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper. "I just...this is all my fault. That's why we had to move, that's why Carlos couldn't come...it's all because of me. Please.."

She was making absolutely no sense what so ever. What was she asking please for? And what the hell had really happened before she came here? She said she wasn't sick, something I hadn't even said. However, as I stared into her eyes, I knew that I should call her out on it. It would be the right thing to do. But, at the last minute, I couldn't do it. I was afraid it was only going to make things harder on her.

More like you chickened out...coward.

"I know Lucy." I leaned down a bit so that we were eye level. Her eyes were returning back to normal "I know." I wiped some of her tears away and pushed back some of her matted hair.

"I want to go home." her voice was small, cold as she suddenly pulled away from me, grabbing her shirt and shoes in her hands and putting them back on.

"Ok, let's get you home." I attempted to draped an arm around her shoulder lightly so that she wouldn't fall or anything but she wouldn't let me near her.

"Please, don't." she whispered.

But, as we were driving to her home, I watched and kept a watch on Lucy from the corner of my eye. I knew that things were anything but fine.

It was like something in her snapped. She too quickly went to that dark place and it took too long for her to return to normal.

And as she sat there, staring out the window, her hands fidgeting in her lap, I knew that there was something really wrong.

Lucy. Lucinda. Whichever name I referred to her as, I knew at that very moment that she was sick. Sick with what? I had no fucking clue but things just weren't adding up here.

Something had happened to her. There were things she had left out when she told me about her brother. Things that were clearly too painful for her to talk about. But, I knew that her past and her brother were the key. They were the key as to why she was like this. How exactly was she?

One more glance at her dishelved appearance and I was actually beginning to wonder just what in hell was going on here?

There was more to all of this.

However, it would seem that like myself, she had been trying to bury whatever painful memories she had as well.

I had know though; I had to know what happened. Something inside of me had wanted nothing to break down when I saw her like that. I would never openly admit that to her but that wasn't going to stop me from trying to figure it out.

So the plot thickens. Had some pretty important aspects of their pasts come to light. Can I just say, it was nice to make Carlisle...imperfect for once.

More importantly, we had Lucy completely freaking out....and poor Jasper, now he's more confused about this girl than he already was. Do you think he's going to figure it out?

reviews are love.