Wow 9 reviews for chapter 10 - I'm amazed, and to be honest in shock, but most of all proud that you like this story! Sorry for the late update though, I've been working day and night lately, so I just haven't had the time to get this chapter into my computer. But, here it is! A lot of Jordan in this one, most of it actually, his thoughts and a bit on his background/childhood ;) Hope you still like it, and that you continue reviewing, you guys make writing fun!
From this chapter the story can take two turns (ok Jackie one will give you all the fluff you need ;)), what do you think guys, what do you see happening from here. I have started writing two different chapter 12 and will pick the one closest to what you guys want :)
So, please read & review, you guys are the greatest!
Chapter 11
Angela catches up with Jordan just as he reaches his car. "Jordan! Where are you going?" He turns around, facing her for a second before he closes his eyes and shakes his head, like it hurts just looking at her. "Leave me alone! I have to go!" Jordan tries to move away, but Angela grabs his arm. She hears him sigh heavily. "Please!" "Catalano! Man, you're not leaving, are you?" Shane's all out of breath after jogging over to them. "Wow, I guess I really ought to stop smoking!" The effort of telling a joke makes, Jordan turn towards him, "I thought you were my best friend, Shane! I thought I could like trust you!" He coughs, and Angela watches how he gets even paler. "I thought I could trust you!" Jordan is starting to sound really tired. "And as for you!" He turns to Angela. "Stop giving me that shit about honesty, like you've been completely honest all the time. You could have just told me…" The last words are nothing more than a whisper as Jordan gets into his car and drives away. Leaving Angela and Shane totally confused.
Jordan never thought that a girl would make him fall to pieces like this, he probably never even thought about the possibility of Angela getting together with another guy, let alone Shane of all people. Of course he had been jealous of Krakow, but this was something else entirely. Shane is a real guy! Brian is, like a jerk, a goofy brainiac. When he thinks back now, it was more the friendship, the closeness and the fact that Brian had known Angela for all these years he had been jealous of. That special bond that always seemed to keep them connected in a way, a way that makes him feel left out. But Shane…it feels like a double betrayal. Shane never even seemed to like Angela much, always referring to her as that weird girl that hangs out with Rayanne Graff, always ignoring her whenever he came across the two of them together. Suddenly he remembers the comment Shane had made earlier that evening, about how Angela looked really hot. "Ahhhrrrg…." Jordan hits his hands on the steering wheel and come only inches from driving straight into a parked car. Jordan backs out of the dead-end street and drives towards the park. He's almost there when he changes his mind, and make a u-turn.
Jordan turns off the headlights and let the car slide silently into the darkened street. At the end he parks the car, and starts to get out of the car when a sudden dizzy spell comes over him. He sinks back into his seat clutching his chest, the cold air stings his lunges and the coughing causes so much pain he can hardly breathe. It's like his entire body is falling apart, the sight of the coughed up blood in his hands makes him panic. "What the hell's wrong with me?" He sobs. At first he had thought that the reason for feeling so shitty was a result of the last beating he got, after all he had taken some nasty blows to the chest, but he's not getting any better, he's just getting worse. Jordan closes his eyes and tries to calm himself, without any luck. The sight of the blood has brought him back in time, made him relive a memory he has been trying to block out for so long.
"He was 10 years old, running home from school. Jordan didn't really like school much, the other kids bullied him all the time, calling him names, just because he wasn't that good at reading and stuff. Shane was his only real friend. Home was his shelter from it all, his mum always had the ability to make him feel good about himself again. As soon as he entered the front door he instinctively knew that something was wrong. "Mum?" Jordan kicked off his shoes and stuck his head in through the living room door. There was no sign of her. "Strange!" He thought, as a creepy feeling started growing in his stomach. That was when he heard the crying for help. Jordan ran upstairs. The sight of his mother on the bedroom floor, barely breathing, coughing blood. How can a child forget? Jordan watched his mother die, holding her hand, letting his tears drip down on her face. Lounge cancer his father had told him, from smoking too much. He had been devastated, they both had been. Not long after the beatings had started. The grieving stopped and the terror started."
What if he is dying too? He's smoking, maybe it's some kind of curse or something. A curse for not being good enough for the Catalano name. Jordan is trembling all over, and his head is starting to feel as if someone has stuffed it with cotton. He reaches out for his jacket, but remembers that he left it at Tinos. Slowly he turns to grab his bag from the backseat, but it's not there, it's still at Shanes. Everything he's got is what he's wearing, and the notebook in his glove compartment. He pulls it out, looks at the words, and then adds another few lines:
"it hurts, as all you know, is broken down, into something irrecognizable, fragments, of what once was…"
Angela and Shane; it seems the only thoughts his brain is still able to hold are revolving around them. Had she chosen any other guy, he would still have had his best friend, as it turned out now, he has lost them both. Yet another two people he loves, the only two people still important in his life, to disappear. Leaving him, just like his mother. When he met Angela he had eventually allowed himself to believe that things could change, but then he just had to screw everything up, so badly. Jordan doesn't have the strength to stay angry. In a way it feels good to know that Shane is a decent guy, he'll be good to Angela, much better than him, anyway.
Jordan coughs hard, the physical pain mixes with the tormenting thoughts, and leaves him too worn down to even care about the freezing cold. Just before he drifts into something between sleep and unconsciousness it hits him. Who would really miss him if he was gone? No one…it's sad, but true. There's nothing left for him here, he's got nowhere to go, yet he can't stay. But before he leaves, he has to see her one more time, tell her that he's sorry for everything, and beg her not to hate him too much. Maybe then, one way or another he will find some peace of mind.
Angela lets out a resigned sigh. Shane had called his brother, Tim, and asked him to bring the car around so that they could go look for Jordan. For a few hours now, they have driven around the neighbourhood searching, but he seems to have vanished, there's no sign of him or his car anywhere. She holds his hand in a tight grip, Shane doesn't think she's aware of it though. They are both worried, Jordans behaviour had gone from strange to completely incomprehensible.
"Why was he so mad at us? What did we do to upset him?" Angelas blue eyes reflect her inner feelings like a mirror. "I have no idea. I wish I knew…" Shane looks back at her with sad eyes. "It's like he's a total stranger, I don't know this Jordan!" He looks down at their hands. Angela loosens her grip and pulls her hand away from his. "Sorry!" "It's ok." He smiles, rubbing his hand to get the flow of blood back to normal. "Really, I'm the one who should be sorry. The way I've treated you in the past, it's like…." Shane shrugs, resigned, unable to find the words to describe it. "Well…" Angela smiles slightly. "I used to feel like I was a major problem to you, or something. A distraction for Jordan. To be honest I kind of hated you at times. You were Jordans friend and I like wanted so much for you to accept me as his girlfriend, or as a person even…" "Uhm…" Shane pretends to search the park they are passing, but the colour of his ears show evidence that he's actually blushing. Shane Kelleher is blushing!
Angela immediately feels sorry for him. "Shane, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I like you now…" She puts her hand on his knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "No, no, you've every right to say those things. You know, when Jordan first got an interest in you I couldn't understand it. You were nothing like the girls he had been with before. You seemed so innocent. I was certain that he would get tired of you as soon as he had gotten what he wanted, or even toss you aside since you were not likely to give in to him just like that. But he didn't.
After he met you he started changing, to the better I suppose, for him at least. For me it was hard, it was like he was outgrowing me all of a sudden, moving on. He suddenly showed an interest in going to class. He's not stupid you know, he just never got the help he needed, and kind of lost interest. When he told me that you had figured out about his reading disability, I was shocked. Not that you found out, but that he actually could admit that he had a problem. Seeing how close the two of you got, well I guess I felt kind of left out. I mean Jordan and I grew up together, and here you came along and the two of you just connected in a way…. The quiet Jordan suddenly had something to talk about, and we talked a lot about you, or that is, Jordan would talk, and I would pretend not to be interested…. He loves you, you know, ok, he may never have said the exact words, but it's quite obvious…"
They both stay quiet for a while, both running everything Shane just said, over and over in their minds. Angela is first to break the silence. "I love him too…" She whispers, tears in her eyes. Shane pulls her into a hug. "Then tell him, he needs to know. He may have done some stupid things, but I know he never meant to hurt you…"
"Wow!" Brian says, rolling over on his back. "I know!" Rayanne smiles and curls up against him like a purring kitten. "Do you want another drink?" He stretches over to the bedside table for the almost empty whiskey bottle. Brian knows he's drunk, and about to loose control completely, but he's never felt more liberated , and he just doesn't want this feeling to end. Being here with Rayanne in his parents bed, it's just like an amazing, yet absurd fantasy.
"Rayanne what is really happening here?" He just has to do a reality check, see if she's real. She looks up at him with cloudy eyes. "I like have no idea, Bri, but it's good. Don't you think?" Rayanne starts kissing his chest, moving down to his stomach. "And right now I want some more! You're like my drug, Bri! I don't need alcohol and stuff when I'm with you." Another wave of passion builds up inside of him. Years of locked up desire. Brian is in awe of what she can make his body feel, and non the less, what he can do to her. Reason or reality is no longer a subject, as they again melt into one another.
Angela can't sleep. Tim and Shane had driven her home after they stopped by the party to pick up Rickie. Needless to say, neither of them were in the mood to go back inside. She just isn't able to forget the look in Jordans eyes, she had no idea that so much pain could possibly be locked up inside one person. Just the thought of it makes her want to cry. Talking to Shane had put things into a whole new perspective. All the time she had thought that Jordan wanted to keep them a secret because he was embarrass being seen with her, he had really been trying to protect her. He had seen how Shane reacted and said that if his best friend felt like that he wouldn't risk putting her, or himself for that matter, through facing what others might say. Not the best way to deal maybe, but at least his intentions had been good.
Shane had also told Angela a few things about Jordans family to make her understand him a bit better. At first he wasn't willing to, he felt like betraying Jordan or something She had begged and pleaded, and eventually he had given in, but not without making it clear to her that she would have to get Jordan to tell her the rest. Jordans childhood hadn't exactly been the happiest one. Loosing his mother, whom he had been very close to, at the age of 10, and the fact that he always felt like he was a disappointment to his father, yet another thing that made him more or less give up on school, since he never lived up to the standards set by his old man anyway. Jordan had been bullied all through his childhood, he was a slow learner and the kids had been merciless, like only kids can be. Not a day went by without him being called names, yet he almost never got into a fight. He would rather run away, hide somewhere until things cooled down, not because he wasn't able to defend himself, he was probably stronger than the bullies by far. Jordan just hated fights, and always got very uncomfortable around people in heated arguments. Shane had smiled and said: "Hell, I was the one who got into all the fights, trying to defend both myself and him, and I wasn't half as strong as him. The only times I ever saw him get physical with anyone was to save my sorry ass!"
It's amazing how everything suddenly seemed totally different. Shane thinks Jordan loves her. Angela should have been happy, and she would have been, if she had only known what had made Jordan so upset with them, and if he was safe somewhere. Obviously he was not feeling well at all, and shouldn't be out driving all by himself. They had passed his house a few times on their search. Angela had been surprised to see the state of the neighbourhood, but tried hard to hide it. "Red" had been nowhere to be seen, and that made them all certain that Jordan hadn't gone home.
Angela gets out of bed, and walks over to the window. The sky is clear and a thousand stars shine brightly down at her, it's beautiful, but somehow that only makes her more sad. "Jordan, I'm sorry for not giving you a chance to explain…"
Jordan opens his eyes slowly, completely disorientated, trying to focus. There's not a single part of his body that doesn't hurt. For a moment he thinks it's the result of yet another beating from his father, but little by little his brain starts working, at least at what seem to be half-speed. "Angela!" His thoughts from last night come back to him, he has to talk to her, one last time, then he'll drive away, and never come back. He bends forward to open the door, and manages to gather enough energy to get himself out. A moan escapes his lips as the thoughts of taking just one step makes him feel like fainting from exhaustion.
Graham looks out of the kitchen window and frowns. "What the…." He can hear Patty and Danielle talking upstairs, with a sigh of relief he walks over to the front door and opens it.
Jordan has no idea how he has gotten here, but he's standing at the bottom of the stairs leading up to Angelas front door. He coughs and grabs hold of the banister as the world starts spinning and the nausea fills him. "What are YOU doing here?" A not exactly happy voice yells at him, it's like waves of sound pounding down on him making his head feel like exploding. He tries to concentrate, tries to make his mind figure out what the voice is saying.
Graham walks down the stairs taking in sad figure, the kid's obviously drunk or stoned or something. He's swaying slightly like he struggling to hold his balance, his clothes are wrinkled and not exactly clean, and his eyes have a distant and dimmed look in them.
After a little while Jordan recognizes Angelas father, and tries to clear his voice. "Eh….Angela?" Graham grabs his arm, making him wince. "You really think she wants to talk to you? Believe me, she doesn't want to see you ever again! And to be honest, I'm glad! You are nothing but trouble, and you'll only drag my little girl down. Showing up here in this kind of state…." Graham removes his hand like he's been burned, and looks at Jordan with disgust and anger. "You're obviously high or something! You make me sick!" Jordan feels how tears start welling up in his eyes, this is not fair, he wants to set the situation straight, but he can't seem to find a single word.
Graham walks back up to the front door, then turns. "Are you still here? Get off my property or I'll call the police on you!" He slams the door shut. Jordan feel how he's knees are close to collapsing, but manages to stay on his feet. "Tell her I'm sorry….for everything…." He whispers, before turning to walk away.
"Who was that at the door, Graham?" Pattie sends her husband a scrutinizing look. "Oh, just someone who was completely lost, asking for directions." Graham walks back into the kitchen without looking at her. She follows him. "I thought I heard you yelling…." "It was nothing, ok! Forget it, whoever was at the door is gone now!" Pattie can't understand why he reacts the way he does, but then again she almost feels like Graham is a stranger these days. She just don't get him anymore, he's angry all the time. Come to think of it, the whole thing started when Angelas Jordan became an issue.
Angela is still standing by the window when Danielle knocks on her door to tell her that breakfast is ready. She's exhausted after just about an hour of sleep all together. All night she was tossing and turning, millions of thoughts running through her head, haunting her. Just as she is about to walk away from the window something catches her attention on the outside. A staggering figure walking down their driveway. Butterflies start moving around in her stomach. He looks just like….. Suddenly she's in a hurry, grabbing a pair of jeans and pulling them on as she runs out of the room and down the stairs. "What's the rush?" Pattie comes out from the kitchen when she hears her oldest daughter. "Are you going out? Angela you have to eat!" Angela stops her desperate search for her shoes and looks up at her mother accusingly. "Mum, why didn't you tell me that Jordan was here!" Pattie looks confused. "But honey, he hasn't been here, there was someone at the door a few minutes ago, but they were just asking for directions, your father…." She shuts up and turns to face Graham. "Graham?" Angela looks from her mother to her father, senses that something is not right between them, but no time to deal with that right now. She gives up on finding the shoes and runs out into the street barefoot, leaving the door wide open behind her. "Jordan!" He doesn't seem to hear her, but doesn't move very fast, and she soon catches up with him. "Jordan!" He turns around. "Angela?"
His throat hurts, making her name sound funny. Jordan lifts a hand and gently strokes her cheek. "I'm sorry, don't hate me, please!" Speaking makes him start coughing, and it's like all energy leaves his body. He feels how his knees collapse and how Angela tries to catch him, but fails. His head hit the pavement, and as everything go dark all he can see is Angelas beautiful blue eyes, thinking he never got the chance to tell her that he love her.