Chapter 11.
Edward Cullen
Waking up to the smell of Lysol and the feeling of empty arms wasn't exactly what I would love to have woken up to but I knew it was for the best. I usually woke up with Bella in my arms and the smell of freesia and strawberries but I was a great adapter of my surroundings, give me a couple of days and I'd be used to it. I didn't need anyone to come and knock on my door to tell me to wake up that morning, I woke up at six on work days so it was normal for me by now. I had showered, shaved and changed into a simple pair of worn out jeans and a white v-neck when I heard the loud banging on my door.
"WAKE UP CALL! Meet in front of your hall until a nurse comes by to take you all to breakfast." I heard an unfamiliar voice call to me through the door. I heard the repetition of this person's words for every door after mine and after a few minutes of just sitting at my desk and staring at the picture of Bella, praying to her to give me strength for the day, I got up and walked out of my door, my key to my door safely placed into my pocket.
The door next to mine opened as I was locking my door to reveal a really thin blonde girl wearing a long sleeved white shirt and some destroyed jeans. She wasn't pretty but she was okay. She caught a glimpse of me from her side vision but easily walked quickly away from me, never really looking up at me to maintain eye contact or anything. The door on the opposite side opened to reveal a guy around my age, also super thin, with dark black hair, glasses and pasty white skin. He was really lanky and almost sickly looking with the deep purple bags under his eyes. I didn't pay attention for long, though. No matter who I saw here, what I heard or felt…I was here for a purpose and I couldn't let anyone get in my way.
I ate breakfast in solitude, people who apparently had their own cliques in rehab sat with each other and gawked at me or snickered until I finished and stood, throwing my trash away after only eating a bagel and a side of rubbery tasting eggs. It was nothing like Bella used to make at home. She used to spoil me when we first moved in together with pancakes, French toast, omelets…anything I wanted. I shook my head as I walked down the hall, schedule in hand, and tired to find my individual counselors door. Once I found it, near the exit to this place (ironic, huh?), I stopped a few feet away from the door.
You can't do this. The little voice in the back of my mind whispered eerily. It was so strange how I knew I could do it but seemingly didn't want to. I was like a four year old child, going back and forth in my decisions.
You've gone so far already. What would the point be in backing out now? My other good voice chanted as if it were some mantra. The voice was right, I had done so much already, pumped myself up and I was ready for this. It was as if the past week had caused the whole world's worries on my shoulders and with no one to talk to, maybe I could tell my own shrink how I was feeling about everyone getting hurt around me. How people died around me. My own mother…
I was going to sit on the little bench outside the door for a while but as soon as I turned the door opened to reveal a woman I wouldn't even consider being a shrink. I pictured shrink's as little bald men with glasses, festive holiday sweaters and notepads that they constantly scribbled on as I laid on a couch or something. But, this woman wasn't at all what I had expected a doctor to be like. She was nothing less of beautiful with her dark caramel colored hair, dark green eyes with flecks of gold shimmering in the ugly florescent light fixtures above. She was wearing a pair of black yoga pants that cut off at her shins, black flip flops and a bright pink tee shirt that read Karma's Only a Bitch, If You Are. I chuckled as she smiled at me warmly before pulling out a bright pink clipboard. Great, a clip board to scribble her notes in on how fucked up I am.
"Hi!" she said peppily, as if she were some cheerleader ready to start a pep rally. "I've never seen you before," she said looking over a paper on her clipboard and running her perfectly manicured finger over it then tapping on it with a smile. "So, either you have figured a cunning way to convince the nurses to never let you come near this wing," she said opening the door as wide as it would go now to reveal her office. It was something you wouldn't expect a shrink's office to look like. Bright turquoise walls with little shelves here and there displaying vases full of pretty little sea shells she must have picked up off the beach, books on therapy, CD's, and even pictures of what looked like family or friends.
"Or you are new." she said smiling at me then placing a hand on her hip and shifting so the door way was open for me to walk through. I didn't quite yet though. I just stared at her in confusion. Was she really my therapist? "So, Mr. Cullen," she said already obviously knowing my name. She chuckled at my expression before finishing her question. "Are you new?" this lady was a smart ass, but hey, I was almost exactly the same way. Maybe we would actually get along.
"Y-yes," I answered hesitantly. "Can I come in?" I asked as I felt my legs start to wobble a little bit. I think she noticed and soon she was giving me a warm smile as she extended her hand towards the inside of her room, a motion telling me to come in.
I walked in without hesitation, letting the light fill in from the large ceiling to floor windows and onto my skin easily warming me up. This place was as cold as a hospital and as sterile as one too. As I looked around the room now, obviously getting a better look than from the outside I smiled as I noticed she had one window open almost all the way, allowing the beautiful sounds of the ocean hitting the water be heard from in here. The door clicked closed from behind me but I really didn't care, the ocean was relaxing me and so was the humid heat that followed in the breeze.
"Please," the woman said as she walked over to a large, white wood rocking chair that looked about a hundred years old. "Take a seat, Mr. Cullen." she was motioning to the light blue couch a few feet behind me.
"Mr. Cullen is my father." I said sitting down now. "Please, call me Edward. I mean you are going to be allowed access into my every thought from today, so might as well get personal now." I said gripping the armrest of the couch. It felt strange telling this to a person I didn't even know. I mean I didn't even know her name yet! I'm pretty sure it was written on the door but I was way too far into my own thoughts to even think about comprehending what it said. She laughed at my smart ass little comment and sighed in joy.
"Yes, well, that's only if you allow me to hear what is in your thoughts, Edward." she said as if we had been friends for the longest time. I scoffed for a minute but then looked up and began to speak.
"What is your name, again?" I asked now sort of skeptical. I thought she may have thought I was crazy about now but she just smiled again and shook her head.
"Dr. Denali, but you can call me Carmen. My patients tend to call me Doc though." she chuckled and tried to make a serious face now, but I could see the pep still in her eyes. "Since we are now on a personal level, as you said before." she tried to mock my voice, sitting in the chair Indian style now, her clipboard resting easily on her thigh. I chuckled at her impersonation of me and shook my head, a little baffled at how weird she was.
"Well," I said lightly sighing. "Can we get started, then?" I asked a little shakily now. I needed to talk and soon she became a bit more serious. Her hands folded together on her lap and I noticed a large diamond planted on her ring finger. She was married. Was everyone in this god forsaken place married and trying to rub in the fact that they actually had their loved ones near? But it made sense, this woman was young and beautiful. Why wouldn't she be married?
"Alright then," she said picking up her clipboard now. "I'm not going to lie, Edward." she locked her eyes with mine and gave me a stare so hard I thought the pressure in the room would crush me.
"You are going to hate me. I am going to ask you things that you aren't going to want to talk about. I m going to force you to think of memories you aren't going to want to remember, but it is all for your own benefit. I read your files and I am aware of your physical abuse towards women-"
"I never did it to anyone else," I said clenching my jaw tightly and gripping the arm of the couch so tight I thought I heard it creak a few times. "Besides her." I whispered almost in physical agony of this realization. I had never felt such anger and hatred towards another woman then I did Bella sometimes but then there was the undying love I had for her. Carmen just nodded, not changing her facial expression and wrote something on her pad of paper clipped to her clip board. I rubbed my hand over my face in stress and sighed, trying to calm myself a bit.
"Why just her?" Carmen asked, still writing quickly but looked up at me with solemn eyes.
I sighed and leaned my head back against the wall behind me. She was right, I did hate her at the moment, but I knew I needed to talk about all these things. It was going to be hard as hell and would feel like I was walking on hot coals but after my feet were burned and scorched at the end of those coals would be Bella and hopefully a huge bucket of ice.
"She," I stopped and took a breath, seeing Bella's face behind my lids. She was so beautiful, her beautiful brown eyes, perfect brown hair and those little freckles that were splashed around her face. She gave me strength when I needed it most.
"She just gets me so mad sometimes. No one ever makes me as mad as she does!" I said in a low growl and hit my fist against the chair cushions. I took another deep breath and kept going.
"She always forgives me though. She never tells me she wants me to stop…its like it never bothered her until the day she tried to…" the words came out so quiet I knew she was the only one who would hear it. "Leave me." I hissed out angrily. The picture of her holding those suitcases over her shoulder, a trait she picked up from me, all ready to leave was forever burned into my brain.
I looked up at Carmen and saw she was just nodding now, not writing.
"So, the day she tried to leave, what happened?" she asked picking up her pen again.
"I don't remember." I felt my body starting to shake in fear of remembering that night, but I knew I needed to force myself.
"What do you mean?" she asked scribbling something down quickly. I shook my head and tried to put it into words. It was hard to even think of what had happened.
"I don't remember hitting her." I said looking down at my bruised knuckles, then continuing. "I just remember seeing her at the foot of the bed and then I blacked out. Then I remember seeing her face…and all that blood." I said feeling the tears welling up in my eyes.
"Edward," she said leaning forward now, sincerity and care in her eyes. "It's not something that is uncommon." she said calmly. How could she be so calm with a man who almost killed someone he loved so much. "Anger is a very powerful thing, and makes a person act involuntarily, but Edward, we need to learn how to control your anger. We need to find out what causes it. Do you have any idea at all what it might be?" she asked interested now and still leaning in to look at me with those concerned eyes.
I thought for a moment. This was such a hard question to answer but as soon as I closed my eyes I knew the answer. I saw Bella's bloodied face, beaten and bruised, large cuts harming her delicate skin and then…I saw the vision of my mother…almost exactly the same but lifeless and cold. I gasped for a deep breath and spoke quickly, scared I might be too chicken shit to spit it out if I didn't right now.
"She reminds me of my mother. My biological mother, that is." I said too quickly, but she caught it. She nodded, as if knowing exactly what I was speaking about.
"I am aware of what happened to your family and yourself, Edward. You don't have to speak about it now but we will speak about it sooner or later." she said nodding at me with a smile. I took a deep breath, relieved at the fact that I didn't have to talk about that night at the moment.
"Now," she said leaning back into the rocker and sighed gently. "Why does Bella remind you of your mother?" she asked finally and wrote something down on her pad. I squirmed a bit at the thought of my mother but I didn't care. For Bella I would do anything.
"She was beautiful, strong but when it came to my father," I said speaking about my mother and scoffed before I spoke my words. "She was weak. She let him beat on her because when she married him, my grandparents disowned her. He wasn't exactly high class like she was, but she still loved him until the day she died. She had me a few months after they got married, things got worse after I was born and without money or a home and a child to take care of…she had to take it." I said flinching at the memory. "For me…" I whispered not even caring if I let this woman see me cry. "And Bella is the same?" she asked not writing anymore.
"Exactly the same." I said wiping the tears away from my eyes at the moment. She was the same. She put up with my shit for so long but still loved me. The room was quiet for a long time and then Carmen spoke.
"I think I know what you do those things to her, even though you know it isn't right." she said casually. It was a miracle and she was acting like it was something as casual as ordering a burger at burger king. She looked up from her notepad and stood up before coming over to sit by me, still about a foot away from me though.
"You do these things to her because it's the only way you were taught to love, Edward." she said smiling at me wryly.
"That isn't true." I whispered to her through a low hiss. She looked at me in confusion, so I elaborated. "My adoptive parents showed me a type of love that could med the soul. They loved each other so much it hurt to watch what my real parents never showed. I grew up with that type of love longer than I grew up with hate." I said turning away in shame form Carmen.
"Yes," she said making me look back at her with a sharp glare, but she was just smiling gently. "But Edward, between the ages of three and six is when a person absorbs and hold the most to ourselves. The things we learn in those few years form us the most. Yes, we gain more as we grow up but those years are vital and those years you suffered the most were the years where you also learned the most on how to act and treat people…" she said patting her hand on mine.
"So…this is all because of him?" I asked referring to my father.
She was practically saying that no matter how much love my parents had given me now, the crap I was put through in my younger years was always going to be there and driving my relationship with Bella.
"I want to do this for her." I whispered through tears now. Everything was hitting me so fast but I needed to speak. "I need to get better so I can go back to her. Love her the way she needs." I said looking up at Carmen. She smiled gently then spoke kindly.
"You can't just do this for her, Edward." she said smiling carefully. "You need to do it to you. You need to do it for yourself so that you can get better." she finished as I nodded, already knowing this. I was doing it for me, but I was doing it for her, just as much.
"Alright then." she said standing up and walking over to her desk and sitting down gently. "That is good enough for today. But I am giving you an assignment, Edward." she said as I looked up at her, confused as to what she was saying. Homework?
"I want you to write a letter to this girl." she said still not knowing her name.
"Bella." I whispered. She looked at me baffled. "Her name is Bella." she smiled gently and nodded towards me.
"Bella, then." she smiled saying my girl's name. "I want you to write a letter to Bella. I want you to write to her and tell her everything you are feeling. I want you to tell her about her parents, even if she already knows about them." she said still smiling. I felt the lump in my throat start to form and I felt my eyes start to sting. How could I do that? How could I even talk to Bella again…I lost all that right.
"I can't garuntee it will get to her, or if she will ever read it…but at least you would have told her." carmen said as I contemplated things for a minute. She may or may not send it to Bella. I nodded at her request and stood up, noticing carmen start to walk towards me now. She held out her hand, smiling in a manner that reminded me of Esme's careful smile and spoke.
"You did great today, Mr. Cullen. I think you will get through this, with time and some effort, it will all be alright." she said patting my arm and smiling at me.
She believed in me. No one, besides Bella, had ever done that. And I highly doubted Bella would even give me that gift anymore, but I would gain it back. I would gain everything back even if it took me a hundred years to do so. I love Bella and that was my driving force.