Disclaimer: I don't own any CSI characters. I own Kaitlin and Brandi. That's it.
A/N: Hey guys. Sorry for the long delay, but I had some things to deal with. First I got extremely sick. I was throwing up for 3 days straight and I wasn't even able to hold down water. I eventually had to go the hospital, only to find out that I have 5 kidney stones in both of my kidneys. Yeah, it sucks. Then when I was better, my mom took me and my sister and my friend and my sister's friend out to Mesquite, Nevada to have a relaxing spa weekend. That was nice, but I didn't bring my laptop cause it was a relaxing weekend. Lol. Anyway and then I had no inspiration to write because I was so busy with getting a new job. But now things have finally calmed down.
StokesSandersSpeedle- Thanks for your review. Yeah, poor Kaitlin, but I think you'll like this chapter.
pas.de.chat- I'm glad you like the story and don't worry; it'll all get clear in this chapter.
Anyways…there is some drug use in this chapter. Please review and enjoy! Thanks!
It was 3 A.M. in the morning and all the lights were out in her house. She sat in front of her bed, in a chair that easily devoured her small form. The wind, which had quickly picked up that afternoon, pounded and whipped across her screen covered window. The tears she had shed all morning and afternoon were dried on her face, leaving a salty taste on her lips.
She sighed and dipped her head down. She had passed her shift off to another girl, deciding she was in no condition to work. The day had gone on forever and all she wanted it to do was end.
Her cell phone rang from inside her purse. She figured it was probably Brandi calling to check up on her. When Kaitlin had returned home from Nick's house earlier that day, Brandi had been sitting in the living room watching TV. Brandi had seen Kaitlin's blood shot eyes and shining face; wet from tears. Concern for Kaitlin had almost caused Brandi to stay home from work as well, but Kaitlin didn't want Brandi to miss out on a day's worth of pay on her account. Before Brandi had left for work, she had left Kaitlin a bottle of Lortabs. She figured Kaitlin might need some help sleeping.
Kaitlin turned her head away from the annoying ringing issuing from inside her purse. Brandi sure was persistent. She reached over to the table next to her chair and picked up the orange pill bottle. She rolled it between her hands slowly.
She was an idiot, she thought, remembering how her morning had gone. Why had she told Nick that she loved him? Why had she laid her heart on the table and let it get stomped on? How could she not see that he was not in love with her also? Why had she put more into a relationship than she wanted to?
He had just looked away from her and not said a single damn word. She had told him something that made her so vulnerable and exposed and he had taken advantage of that.
Kaitlin unscrewed the pill bottle's top and poured four white pills into her hand. She had taken Lortabs before. She knew what to expect and she knew how many to take to ensure that she couldn't feel a thing. She put the top back on and placed the bottle onto the table. Putting the pills into her mouth, she pulled the water bottle up to her lips and drank deeply, letting the pills fall into the pit of her empty body.
Her cell phone rang again and she ignored it. She walked over to her nightstand and pulled out a pair of sweat pants and a tank top. She quickly put them on and crawled into her oversized bed. She had never felt so small in her life. Everything in the world seemed too large for her to deal with. Even her furniture was too big for her. First her father had been murdered, and then she found out that he wasn't really her father to begin with and was in fact her captor. Next, she had to meet her parents for the first time in her memory and then Nick blew apart her heart. She really had started to feel as if she had hit rock bottom. As the pills started to take effect, the last thing Kaitlin remembered was hearing her cell phone ring again.
Nick sat in the break room at work frantically calling Kaitlin. He knew he had made a mistake in not telling her how much he really loved her. He really did love her, but it scared him. He wasn't sure at that moment that he was ready to have his heart broken. It was one thing to like someone, but to love someone was a whole different ball game. Love made you vulnerable. Love made you do stupid things. Nick had felt so sure a couple of months ago that finding love was exactly what he had wanted in order to break out of his monotonous life. Here he was in love and it scared the hell out of him. He silently prayed for his boring, predictable life back. Life without Kaitlin was much easier and safer.
He grunted in frustration as he got her voicemail for the third time. He knew she purposely wasn't answering his calls. He wanted desperately to talk to her. He wanted her to know that he did love and care about her and that he was an idiot.
Catherine walked into the break room in time to hear him sigh loudly and heavily. She walked over and poured herself a cup of coffee before taking up a seat on the other side of the table from Nick. She studied the younger man. He looked frustrated and she knew it had nothing to do with the case they were trying to solve. Her motherly instincts took over and she placed a hand over his. Nick looked up, unaware that she had even entered the room, and met her penetrating gaze. A soft smile stole over her mouth and she searched inside his brown eyes for an answer to what was causing him his grief.
"Are you doing okay, Nicky?" Catherine asked, finally deciding to just address the problem head on.
"Yeah, I'm just tired, Cath." Nick lied, hoping that she would just drop the subject. Nobody Nick worked with knew about he and Kaitlin yet, and he didn't think now was the right moment to break the news. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he still was with Kaitlin.
"Nick, I know you better than that. Nobody sighs that heavily when they're just tired. Now, what is really bothering you?" She probed. She knew if she pushed him enough, he might just actually tell her the truth.
"It's just…it's nothing. Don't worry about it. It's my problem and I'll deal with it." He replied shortly. He had been about to tell her, but his mind had stopped him.
"Does this have something to do with that girl you've been seeing?" She asked, knowing full well that that was the problem.
"How did you know I was seeing Kaitlin?" Nick asked, curious as to how she had found his secret out.
"Well, I didn't know you were seeing Kaitlin. I knew you were seeing someone. You seemed happier and you were always coming into the lab late. It was like the old Nick was back. Plus, you always had scratches on your back." She winked at him with her last comment.
Nick smiled and unconsciously put his hand on his shoulder, where Kaitlin's recent scratch marks rested. He remembered the last time they had made love and the thought made his heart ache. Making love. That was exactly what they had been doing for the past three months. Their relationship had grown into something so substantial, and he hadn't even been aware enough to notice.
"She told me she loved me this morning." Nick stated, hoping she would understand, but knowing that his cryptic answer wasn't enough.
"Is that a bad thing?" Catherine asked, confused.
"I didn't say anything back." He mumbled, running his hands down his tired face. He hadn't slept all afternoon. He had been up thinking. After much tossing and turning, he had given up any hope of sleeping, and just decided to come into work early.
"Well, you fucked up." Catherine replied, stating what was blatantly obvious.
"Yeah, I know that." Nick remarked annoyed that she was echoing what his mind had been telling him all afternoon.
"Sorry, Nick, I didn't mean to upset you." Catherine said softly, knowing she had upset him somehow.
"It's alright." Nick stated without even looking up at her. He was staring at his hands which were placed on top of the table.
The two sat in silence for awhile. Catherine finally finished her coffee and walked over to the break room sink to wash her cup out. As she stood, letting the warm water wash over her hands and the mug, she finally asked Nick the question she had wanted to know.
"So, do you love her?"
Nick looked up. He had thought the subject was dropped. Something in him, however, really wanted to voice what he had been thinking all evening.
"I really do, Cath." He said sadly.
"Well, then why didn't you tell her that?" She asked confused as to why guys had such a hard time expressing their real feelings.
"I don't know. I guess I was scared. I just know that if this thing between her and I doesn't work…I don't know if I could ever get over her." He finished.
She looked at him in understanding. She had had her heart broken many a time, and she knew what it was like to love someone that deeply. Eddie had cheated on her, and she had never stopped loving him, even after he died.
"You know, Nick, I'm sure Kaitlin would like to hear this." She stated.
"I don't know. I think I have officially screwed up this relationship for good."
"You never know, Nick. If she loves you like she says she does, then the chance that she'll forgive you is pretty good." She patted him on the shoulder as she sat back in the chair she had previously occupied.
"Is this coming from past experience?" Nick asked, wondering how she knew so much about relationships.
"Not necessarily." Catherine replied, hoping to keep the topic of conversation on Nick and not on her.
"What am I gonna say to her?" Nick asked after several minutes of silence.
"Just tell her the truth. Tell her that you love her. Don't make any excuses for what you did, that will just piss her off. Just be straight forward and she'll appreciate that."
Grissom walked into the break room. He noticed the somber mood in the break room, but decided to ignore it. He wasn't very good at personal conversations.
"How's Sara doing Grissom?" Catherine asked. Even though she and Sara had never really seen eye to eye, she still cared about her. She was a part of the team and when one part of the team hurt, the rest of the team hurt as well.
"She's stable." He replied. He had been hurting since that day he had found her under the car. Truth was there was still no progress in her condition.
"That's good. No news is better than bad news." Nick said, temporarily forgetting about his own problems. Sara was his friend, and even though she could be a pain in his ass sometimes, he still cared for her. She didn't deserve to be where she was.
Nick picked his phone back up once more, hoping that this time Kaitlin would answer. He got her voicemail once again. He decided that after shift, he would stop by her house to check up on her and to apologize.
He walked through the dark, wood front door. After his futile attempts at waiting for someone to answer the door with knocking, Nick decided to just walk in. He knew she was home. He had seen her car in the driveway and Brandi had told him she was at home sick. It made him sick to think that he was the reason that she was sick.
He couldn't hear a thing as he made his way through the familiar living room. He figured she was in her room, sleeping. He took in the familiar surroundings. He had been in her living room plenty of times, but he had never taken the opportunity to just look around. He figured since she was sleeping, she wasn't going anywhere. He wanted to see her living room in detail.
He approached the entertainment center. There were picture frames with pictures adorning the shelves. There were many pictures of Kaitlin, Brandi, Shannon, Nathan, Brian, and Tim. His heart did a giant flip when he noticed a picture of Kaitlin and Matt. In the picture Kaitlin was wearing a bikini and Matt was in his swimming trunks. By the looks of it, Matt was protecting Kaitlin from being thrown into the water by Nathan.
Nick continued to scan the pictures. He slowly moved his way to her bookshelf. She hadn't wanted it in her bedroom, because she frequently read in the living room. He looked over the many text books that she had kept from her years in college. She had once said that she could never sell back her books. He was the same way.
He looked at her collection of DVDs. He noticed the big, pink velvet book which housed her entire series of Sex and the City. She loved that show and had frequently made him watch it with her. He knew her favorite episode was the very last one. He remembered the first time he had watched it with her. He remembered the way her face lit up as she watched Carrie look up at Big as he entered the fancy French hotel. She could quote almost every episode word for word.
He moved to her CD collection. She hated storing her CDs in a case because she said it messed them up after a while. She preferred to store them in their original cases in her house. He pulled out the Franz Ferdinand case. He looked at the orange, yellow, and black cover. Franz Ferdinand was her favorite band. He slipped the CD back into its respective spot and pulled out another one at random. He did that for a few minutes, admiring her unique taste in music. She had introduced him to some music that he actually liked.
Nick stood up from the crouching position he had been in while examining her CDs. He knew he had to talk to Kaitlin. He had explored her living room to great lengths and he knew that the time to talk to her was now. He walked into her kitchen and filled her tea kettle with water. He placed it on the stove and waited for the water to start steaming. He wanted to talk to her, but he wanted to make sure she understood how sorry he was.
He carefully picked up the steaming cup of chamomile tea and walked toward her closed bedroom door. He slowly opened the door. He saw her covered form resting on her side. She looked beautiful when she slept.
He walked over to the chair that sat in front of her bed. He set the cup of tea on the table next to it and noticed the pill bottle. He examined the label and quickly knew that she had taken Lortab. He sighed and set the pill bottle back onto the table. There were still a lot of pills left in the bottle, this gave him the knowledge that she had not tried to overdose. He walked over to her sleeping body and looked down at her. His heart swelled and he felt his throat hurt with the anger that he had been so scared of falling in love with her. He crouched down next to her and ran his fingers over her forehead, brushing away the shorter hair that had fallen into her face as she slept.
She felt something on her face and removed her hand from under her comforter. She tried to brush away whatever it was, but was halted as she felt whatever it was grab her hand. She felt something brush over her knuckles. She slowly blinked open her eyes and saw before her the last person she expected to see in her bedroom.
Nick watched as her eyes blinked open. He smiled at her when she locked eyes with him. He loved her eyes. They were so blue and innocent. He continued to brush his thumb over her knuckles. They stayed like that for a few minutes, staring into each others' eyes. Finally Kaitlin realized the situation and sat up a little.
"Hi." Nick said softly as she rested her back on the pillow that she had propped up.
Kaitlin tried to speak, but noticed that her mouth was extremely dry from the pain killers she had ingested last night. She had slept soundly and hadn't dreamed which is exactly what she had wanted and needed. She knew that she and Nick needed to talk, but right then all she wanted was something to drink.
Nick, sensing that she was thirsty, walked over to the table beside the chair. He picked up the tea he had made her. She accepted the mug and smiled. Her stomach was feeling a little uneasy from the pain killers and she was glad he had made her chamomile tea; it had always helped settle her stomach. She sipped from it lightly, feeling the steam from the hot tea on her upper lip. She lowered the cup and placed it on her bedside table. As she did so, Nick flipped on the lamp next to her bed. Kaitlin winced a little as the light permeated her eyes.
Both were unsure what to say to the other. Nick was unsure about how to start his apology and Kaitlin was unsure how to ask him why he had remained silent. Finally Kaitlin spoke.
"What are you doing here, Nick?" Her voice was hoarse from the dryness in her mouth and she reached over to grab her tea.
"I came over to talk to you." He simply stated.
"What about?" Kaitlin asked, knowing full well what the topic was going to be. She was only unsure of where he stood on that particular topic.
"I'm sorry." Nick said, looking directly into her eyes as he said it.
"For what? For not saying anything when I told you that I loved you or for making me feel like the biggest dumb ass on the planet?" She knew her words were harsh, but he had broken her heart and she had just been woken up; she was cranky.
He winced at the honesty behind her words. "For both, I guess." Nick said as she rolled her eyes and scoffed.
"I didn't mean to not say anything, Kaitlin. It just took me a little by surprise." Nick defended and watched as she whipped her head back to stare him in the eyes.
"So, you just stood there and let me get into my car and drive away? You stood there and let me put my heart on the line, Nick, and you just stomped on it. I mean talk about adding insult to injury." She said sharply.
"I'm sorry, Kaitlin. I didn't mean for that to happen. You have to believe me." He implored of her.
"You can keep saying your sorry, Nick, but it won't take away what happened. I told you I loved you and you looked at me like I had just told you the world was really flat."
"I just hadn't expected it." He said lamely. He was starting to do exactly what Catherine had told him not to; he was making excuses. Sure to Catherine's word Kaitlin was getting pissed off.
"You hadn't expected it?! What the hell, Nick? You invited me to meet your parents, we practically live together, and you know basically everything about me! I don't tell every random guy I meet my life story and all the shit that I have had to deal with. I don't make camp at random guys' houses, and I certainly hope that you don't invite every girl you fuck back to meet your parents for Thanksgiving!" Kaitlin was full out yelling now. She was angry that he just wouldn't tell her the real reason he hadn't said anything. His excuses were bull shit and meant nothing to her.
"I know you don't, Kaitlin, and you know that I don't invite every girl back to my parents' house." Nick stood up from his position next to her bed and walked over in the direction of her bathroom. He stopped and ran his hand down his face.
Kaitlin threw the covers off of her body and walked over to where he was standing away from her. She placed her hand on his shoulder and turned him to meet her intense gaze.
"What is the real reason you didn't say it, Nick?" She asked softly. She was beginning to know the real reason, but she wanted to hear him say it.
"It's because I was scared, alright?!" He yelled. He didn't know why he was angry, but he felt frustrated that she had gotten him to admit that. He didn't like feeling weak in front of her and he felt by admitting this little detail, that he was somehow less of a man.
Kaitlin felt the tears spring into her eyes and began to will herself to hold them back. She had cried enough yesterday and she didn't feel much like a repeat.
"What were you scared of, Nick?" She asked, moving her hand from his shoulder down to his hand. She held it softly and began to graze her thumb over his knuckles as he had done to her moments ago.
Nick felt her small hand in his and he looked down to stare at their joined hands. He looked back up at her. "I was scared that if I admitted I was in love with you that I would get my heart broken. I haven't had a lot of long term girlfriends in my life, Kaitlin, and I know that if I stay with you then it is all or nothing. By denying my feelings, then I guess I felt as if I could still back out without feeling hurt. You are the most amazing woman I have ever known and when I realized that I was in love with you, I had to back off to evaluate what that entailed. I work a lot, Kaitlin. I am devoted to my job and I don't think I will be retiring for a long time. I come with a lot of baggage too. There are things in my past that have scared many girls off, and I was afraid that one of these days it would hit you how impossible I am to be with and that you would bail. I can't loose you Katie. I love you and I want to be with you, but I was scared that you wouldn't want to be with me." He concluded.
Kaitlin had listened the entire time and was shocked at how deep his mind was going. She knew that he had been scared, but she didn't think that it was that complicated. Finally she found her voice.
"Nick, I wouldn't have said that I loved you if I hadn't meant it. I know you work a lot. I know you work awkward hours and that you are frequently coming home in pissed off moods from whichever case you are working on that day. I know that you can't tell me what they are about, and I'm not sure I'll ever get used to the feeling of helplessness I feel when that happens. I know that you have a lot of baggage that you have yet to tell me about. I know all these things. I also know that I love you and that I want to be with you in spite of these things. I know that I am not going to be working as a bunny for my whole life. I know that eventually I'll have to go back to teaching and that we might not see each other as often. We'll deal with that when we're there. I'm not asking you to marry me, Nick, I am just telling you that I love you. If you don't think that I'm scared too, then you are crazy." She finished with a nervous laugh.
He looked at her and contemplated her words. She was scared too. Why was she scared? She had been the one to tell him that she loved him.
"Why are you scared?" He asked.
"I don't want what happened between Matt and me to happen between you and me." She stated simply, hoping that he would understand.
And he did. He understood completely. They were both scared of having their hearts broken. They were both scared of loosing the other. They were both scared that they would hurt each other. He looked at her in understanding and watched as a tear slid slowly down her cheek. He reached forward and wiped it away. He picked up their joined hands and kissed the palm of her hand. He held it back between his two hands and looked into her bright eyes.
"I love you, Kaitlin."
It was what she had been waiting to hear yesterday at his house. It was what she had wanted to hear since she had seen his face as she woke up that morning. She removed her hand from his grasp and stepped forward. She placed a light kiss on his lips and felt his hands snake their way around her waist.
Nick leaned forward as she pulled back and captured her lips into a searing kiss that made her feel weak in the knees. She felt uncertainty and unfamiliarity in his kiss, but she also felt his love. This new revelation was different to her. This wasn't how it had happened between her and Matt. This felt like new territory and it scared her a bit, but she knew that she wouldn't be facing that fear alone because she had Nick. She had an amazing man who loved her and would be there to hold her hand as they discovered this new feeling.