I'm really afraid that I could learn how to hate you. Her words from the night before echo through his mind for the millionth time. He hadn't been able to sleep. Memories of that night replaying over and over in his head. It had all gotten so mixed up though- it had all gone so wrong. I'm really afraid that I could learn how to hate you. He was afraid of that, too. But what could he do, except redouble his efforts to eliminate the threat and give her the freedom she wanted so much.
The problem was, using the magic it took when looking for one specific Frost Giant among the many worlds it could have gained access to was incredible draining and difficult. Jotunheim was the most likely place for them to be, and yet he'd destroyed most of it, and the few Frost Giants that had remained had moved on to another world, and he knew not which. Or how, for that matter. They must have their own artifacts of magic, he supposed. He wondered if the band that had restricted his own power was of Frost Giant make. It could have been.
It had occurred to him, too, that even once Darcy was back on her home in Midgard, there were problems between them. The fact remained that she was mortal. Every day that passed meant one less day that she was alive, and the thought filled him with a kind of restless panic to spend every moment with her. So much so that, though he had promised himself that he would throw himself into this search for the Frost Giant and concentrate on nothing but that, he couldn't focus on scrying it's location. Thoughts of Darcy kept popping up and breaking his concentration. I'm really afraid that I could learn how to hate you.
Finally, after some hours of making no progress (as usual), he allowed himself a small break to reassure himself that she was fine, of course she was fine. He quickly dropped by Odin's palace, cloaked in invisibility of course, and after hearing no worrisome news he went on to Belheim.
"Darcy?" He called, walking through the halls. She didn't answer. Where was she?
He grew more panicked as he walked through the house, seeing no sign of her. He imagined all sorts of horrible scenarios, most centering around the Frost Giant having found her again, and of Darcy lying dead somewhere.
Finally, out of ideas of where she could possibly be (and he prayed that she had not been abducted. They could harm her horribly, and probably would.) he went outside, and quickly sighed in relief at seeing her footprints, half snowed over already. The little fool, he thought, the panic settling slightly before setting in again at realizing what it meant that her footprints were nearly snowed over. She'd been out for some time, because it wasn't snowing very hard. It was dangerous for her to be out for too long. She was unused to the thinness of the air, and if she had wandered too far from the fortress before realizing it, she might not be able to get back in time.
He found her about ten minutes from the doors of the fortress, and at the sight of her his heart stopped cold in his chest. She had collapsed to the ground and appeared dead. Her skin was incredibly pale, and her lips had a frightening blue tinge to them. And she wasn't wearing a warm enough jacket- just a sweatshirt. He kicked himself now, realizing that that would have been the warmest piece of clothing he'd brought her, as he hadn't figured on her leaving the fortress to be outside. If he'd given her a jacket though- he tried not to kick himself too hard. It was probably the thin air that had been the biggest problem anyways.
A quick check of her pulse told him she was simply unconscious, but good gods...the woman was going to be the death of him- the terror he felt every time he thought she could be dead. Which had been quite a few times. She was making this into a horrible habit, unintentional though it may be.
Carefully gathering her up in his arms and channeling his healing magic into her, he carried her quickly back to the fortress. By the time he reached the doors she was already warm again- her skin back to it's normal golden tint, and her lips a somewhat chapped version of their coral color and he was thanking all the gods that he had been born with this ability to heal her. She was beginning to stir.
"Loki?" she asked groggily as he walked through the halls to his bedroom. "What's going on?"
He had been arguing with himself the whole way back, and he'd come, incredibly reluctantly, to a decision. He'd had a hard enough time focusing on tracking the Frost Giant before he'd known that Darcy would try something as terrifyingly foolish as exploring Belheim on her own. He wouldn't be able to concentrate at all now. And that would never work. He couldn't let her leave until the threat was gone and she would keep accidentally putting herself in danger until she was back. He had to...make her more docile. A kinder way of saying he had to use his magic to...he wasn't sure of the word. Brain-wash? Hypnotize? It sounded horrible and sinister when put that way. He just needed to make her not want to leave. And to do that, he had to use his magic. He felt horrible about doing it, and he knew she would be livid when she found out...but he couldn't see another way around it. He could only hope he found the Frost Giant soon.
"It's okay," he crooned softly to her, laying her on his bed. "You're okay now. I'm just sorry that I brought you to this." He sighed. "I probably should have done this at the beginning," he admitted to himself. He probably could have already found the Frost Giant by now if he had. But it felt so wrong, to do this to her. He hadn't even thought of it before.
"What do you mean?" Darcy asked, still mostly out of it. She lay limply on the bed, her eyes closed, Loki's healing magic making her lethargic.
"Darcy,"he said, hating himself for this, "I need you to look at me, sweetheart." With effort, she did so, her eyes opening heavily. He watched them turn hazy and dull as he used his magic, fogging the part of her brain that disliked being kept here. It would affect her personality, as well, sadly. Such was the case when tampering with the brain. She would be quieter now, and more docile. Her personality would be only an echo of what it ought to be, until he returned her to her original state. And she would be very tired, not wanting to move very much.
She smiled blandly at him now, and he felt sick. Stroking her hair and kissing her forehead, he pushed her into sleep to heal fully, and left to scry for the Frost Giant again, his heart heavy in his chest.
It was like floating on a river, Darcy thought peacefully. Like staring up at the sky, and how the stars would twinkle-but no. That couldn't be right. Stars? She was inside. She was sleeping. No. She was awake? Well, Loki was there, at any rate, and she was glad. He looked tired, but he was stroking her hair now and she laughed.
"I was just thinking about stars," she told him, and he frowned. "I know," she said. "I don't understand either. Brains are funny little contraptions." She gasped. What if they were battery powered? "Thank goodness they're not! That would be terrible." Then running out of batteries would mean that you died. "But then you would have to use solar-powered batteries, Loki, because you don't die."
He laid a hand to her forehead. "Are you alright?" He asked. He looked so worried. He was just the sweetest man, honestly.
"Of course," she said."But how are you? You look tired. Have you been working too hard again?" He'd been gone so much lately. She missed him terribly when he went. The time passed so quickly, and yet she didn't seem to do much. It was disorienting and she disliked being away from him. Time passed in a way that made more sense when he was there.
"Not hard enough," he said grimly, and she noticed the shadows under his eyes. Was he sleeping ?
"Didn't we sleep together once?" She asked. There was some strange memory just...a little bit- no, it was too hard to reach. She would have to leave the river to get it, and she didn't feel like doing that just yet. She relaxed back into the gentle rock of the waves. And yet she felt the cotton of the sheet under her fingertips- but her mind glossed over this. It was unimportant.
He seemed startled though. "I know!" she said, laughing. "As if I could forget something like that. I don't know why I said that. But I don't know why we say anything at all," she said. What if they all talked like this? Just in their heads? "But then I guess people might not know how we feel about them," she conceded, though he had not spoken. She giggled. "Everyone would go around having no idea that they were best friends with each other!" She frowned. "Wait," she said. "That's horrible!" She felt so strange now. She was...sad. It felt familiar, this being sad thing. But she couldn't remember being sad before. What was going on? "Loki," she said, frightened. "I'm really afraid that I could learn how to hate you."
He paled, drawing back. But that hadn't been what she'd meant to say! That hadn't been it at all. "I'm sorry," she said, confused. "I didn't mean that. I meant that I'm just afraid. I feel strange." Was she still floating? Or was she sinking? It was hard to tell the difference right now.
She looked up at him with wide eyes and the expression on his face made her cry. "No, Loki," she said, and a tear trailed down her cheek."Don't be sad. I don't mean it. I won't be afraid anymore." She didn't want him to be sad. She didn't want him to ever be sad.
"Shh," he said, his voice raw. "It's okay. Go to sleep now, sweetheart." He laid a hand to her cheek and she felt so tired again.
As she felt the heavy curtain of sleep draw over her, she mumbled, "You don't need to be sad, Loki. I love you. And I can say that, because we use words. Words are good. You should use words too, Loki. Because we might be best friends and neither of us know it. I love you."
Her eyes slid closed and she drew a deep breath, fast asleep.
"I love you to," he whispered, scrubbing a hand over his face.
How much longer could he stand this? Loki wondered. It had been three days. He hadn't slept at all. He'd spent most of his time scrying, stealing a couple hours with Darcy every now and then. It was a kind of torture, being away from her, and and an even worse torture being with her when she was like this.
There were moments when she was almost lucid, making him realize how strong the urge to be in control was. He remembered once thinking that humanity craved subjugation. Darcy certainly didn't though. Even when she should have been fast under his influence, she broke through at times- like when she'd cried. She shouldn't have been able to feel sadness- the way he had reconfigured her brain she should have been peaceful and happy. But the mind was a powerful thing, and even his magic had it's limits.
I'm really afraid that I could learn how to hate you. He was certain she could. That she had remembered that...
Most of the time though, she spoke in broken sentences. Part of her side of the conversation was clearly held in her head, making her speech seem abrupt and off- although not entirely out of character for her anyways. And he'd been dead wrong when he'd thought it would make her quieter. If anything, she spoke more know. Almost as if she was thinking aloud. It was interesting to see how her mind made the connection between two unconnected things, but it also felt invasive. She wouldn't want him to be hearing some of the things she said. Like that she loved him. Gods. He wished desperately to know if that was just his influence working on her and making her feel things she didn't. In any case, he knew she would not have wanted him to hear it without her decision.
He left again, to go back to scrying. He'd finally gotten a lead. The Frost Giant was somewhere on Elbenheim, another of the ice worlds. How it had gotten there he had no idea, but it was heartening to have a clue after so long. He spent a few hours searching- Frost Giants were incredibly good at hiding themselves in the right environment and so he had to be extremely thorough- before checking in at Odin's palace once more. There was more excitement going on than usual though on this day. Loki listened to the news, his heart beating faster at this new development.
Apparently Thor had gotten hold of a Scenthound- great beasts of old that could track a being's essence, rather than, as their name might suggest, their scent. This mean that they could track a being who was no longer on the same world anymore. They were incredibly rare now, because the talent that made them so useful also made them very irritating to those who wanted to remain hidden.
If Thor had one, then he could be even now tracking Loki down. But, at the same time, this would explain how the Frost Giant had found Loki in the first place, and if he could get his own hands on one then he could finally eliminate him. How amazing it would be to just rest. To be able to sleep again, and to begin winning Darcy back. Because she would require quite extensive winning back, he was sure.
Quickly returning to Belheim to check on her quickly before searching for Thor, he found Thor already there, trying to wake a hazy Darcy.
"Brother," Loki said the word mockingly. Coldly. He hated that Thor's hands were on Darcy's shoulders. They had no business being there.
"Loki," Thor said, turning to face him, and leaving Darcy's side. He looked angry. He had reason, Loki supposed, not caring at the moment. "What have you done to her?"
"Hmm?" Darcy asked sleepily, smiling up at them. "Thor? What are you doing here?" She smiled at him and Loki felt a ridiculous sweep of jealousy. Her smile quickly turned to a frown, and she looked to Loki. "Loki!" Her voice had an edge of fear to it. "Why is he angry at me?"
Thor frowned even more before realizing what she was saying and trying to smooth out his face. "I'm not-" he started.
"It's okay, sweetheart," Loki said, gladder than he should be that she looked to him for comfort. Of course she would. He was the one who'd brainwashed her. But still.
He knelt by her bed, ignoring Thor for the moment as he seemed to have no plans to attack Loki at the moment- and Thor was far from subtle, so this could be counted on- and he put a hand to her cheek. He was about to put her into a sleep again- he needed to sort this out quickly with Thor so that he could use that Scenthound to get rid of the Frost Giant- but she frowned at him, her eyes large and pleading.
"I'm tired of swimming," she said. "Don't make me swim more, Loki," she begged. "I thought I could float, but then it got harder. There's too many things strange to just float. I keep thinking things that haven't happened." She started crying silently. "Please don't make me swim," she begged him again.
Gods, she was breaking his heart. "Shh," he said, stroking her hair. "You don't have to swim. It's okay. You can come out of the water now."
"Oh," she said happily. "Good. My fingers are probably all pruney by now anyways," she whispered conspiratorially.
"Loki?" Thor asked. "I ask again, and know that my patience is small indeed- what have you done to Darcy?"
"I was trying to keep her from hurting herself," Loki said heavily. "I used my influence on her to keep her from harm."
"She was..." Thor struggled with the words, aghast. "Harming herself?"
Loki filled him in on his search for the Frost Giant, and on how Darcy had accidentally nearly died.
"I did what I had to," he said, of using his influence on her. "Though it sits heavily on me."
Thor studied his face and sighed hugely. "Brother you certainly know how to cause trouble for me. You have made father very angry. You know this?" Loki nodded. This was not news. Odin was rarely pleased with him. "I will lend you the use of the Scenthound to find this Frost Giant, and I will aid you. But Darcy must be returned to Midgard immediately. And in her right mind- not this...witchcraft of yours." Loki bristled but let it go. "Jane has missed her terribly, and she deserves this in any case. When the Frost Giant is dead you will return with me and face father's wrath. Are we clear?"
Still bossy as ever, Loki noted. No matter though, this was roughly what Loki had had in mind anyhow. "We are clear."
That had been rather painless, actually. It was a testament to how much Thor had grown since he'd been to Midgard. In the olden days they certainly would have come to blows over this kind of thing.
"Let us be off then, brother," Thor said, nodding to the hall where a beast could be heard pacing the floor. "Can she stand?" He asked of Darcy, who was laying disoriented on the bed still.
"I don't know," Loki said, feeling guilty. He had let his influence wear away, but it would take a few hours to be gone completely, and he'd been keeping her rather heavily under because she was so strong a fighter.
They both looked at her, lying on his bed.
I don't have to swim anymore! How nice of Loki. I'm trying to get to the shallows now, but every time I put my foot down on tippy-toes it's not quite touching. Ugh. I'm tired of being in the water now. It feels so heavy. I know when I finally get out I'll be so light that I'll be able to fly, and how inviting the sky is. There are probably birds in it. Bluejays and robins. Robin! Oh my goodness how exciting! What if I was to meet Batman's sidekick!
But now Loki's picking me up. He's saying something to Thor but I'm not listening because I'm still trying to find...the ground...argh! It's really close. I think I touched a rock with that last touch-down. Oh- touch-down! Football. Bah. Football. Bunch of people in shoulder pads looking like rectangles. But why would rectangles throw things at each other? I get confused.
Oh my! I feel dizzy all of a sudden. "I don't want to throw up," I tell Loki. He kisses my forehead. I feel very hot now. Why is it so hot? Thor is saying something. Something about...wait- Jane? Finally! My toes scrape against the bottom and I feel a little clearer headed. I want to see Jane very badly.
Where is Jane? I ask. They don't answer me. Did I ask out loud? I can't remember. I tug on Loki's sleeve and he looks down at me. "Give me Jane," I say.
He smiles painfully. "Yes," he says. "She'll be here very soon."
"But I want her now," I whine. "Please?"
"Soon, love," he says. "Soon."
He pets my hair, so I sigh. I suppose I'll wait. It feels nice when he strokes my hair. I like his fingers very much. I pick up one of his hands and make some of them curl. He lets me play with them. I make them into finger puppets now. This little piggy went to market. This little piggy met a wolf. This little piggy tripped over a basket. "And this little piggy became a well-known rock star who gave benefit concerts to the deaf."
Someone knocks on a door. Oh! I realize that I'm in my own house, on my couch. There's the nail polish stain that I've sighed over before. Mmm. It's a cushy couch. Cushy. Cushion. Oh. My. God. "Loki!" this is so exciting! "I figured out why they call it that!" I grin at him and he smiles back.
"Why they call what what?" he asks.
I laugh. That can't be a real sentence. Loki is so funny.
"Darcy?" It's Jane!
"Jane!" I cry ecstaticly. I try to sit up. I slide a little bit but Loki catches me. "This little pig wants to hug you!"
"What's wrong with her," Jane asks Thor. She looks concerned.
"Don't worry Jane," I say, ignoring whatever Thor's saying. "I'm five by five. I'm tip-top candyshop. Clipclop." Jane likes animals, I remember. "Janie, did you get a horse?"
"No," she says, kneeling down next to me. She puts her hand to my forehead. "Sweetie, you're burning up."
I gasp. No! "Loki!" I plead, looking up at him. "I don't want to burn up." It would be so hot. Too hot. I am too hot. Why is it so hot in here?
I don't feel very good.
"Why is she saying things like that?" Jane asked anxiously. Darcy was really hot. "It feels like she has a fever."
"She is taking things in a very literal sense at the moment, as my influence wears off," Loki said, scrubbing a hand over his face, his eyes shuttered.
Jane got a wet washcloth from the bathroom and laid it on Darcy's forehead, instructing Thor to bring in the fan that she knew was by Darcy's bed. She got her best friend as comfortable as possible.
Darcy was murmuring under her breath, unintelligible things.
Jane was still confused about what had even happened. The last time she'd seen Darcy had been at the bar, about a month ago. She'd heard from Thor that Darcy had then (probably) slept with Loki, and had (definitely) been stabbed by a Frost Giant, brought back to life by Loki, who'd gotten his powers back and then seemingly kidnapped her. And now after a month of hunting Loki down, Thor returned on speaking terms with him, and with a feverish Darcy in tow. Not to mention the fact that Loki was obviously quite attached to Darcy. He looked at her with anguish on his face, striking her as incredibly strange because she remembered his face as being very blank and cold. And Darcy clearly cared for him, as evidenced by her plea to him to not let her burn. Darcy would normally turn to Jane for something like that- them being practically sisters, and Jane being Darcy's most trusted confidant. So while Jane wanted to rail at Loki, she wasn't sure what to think.
"I need to go," Loki said, reluctantly standing from Darcy's side. He looked to Thor, who nodded.
"Are you okay here?" Thor asked. Since she'd become pregnant he'd been even more protective than usual. It was sweet, but annoying at times.
"I'm fine," she assured him. "But what are you two doing? And when are you coming back?"
"There is someone in need of slaying," Loki said, his face hard and cold, as she remembered it being. Christ! It made her shiver. But then his face morphed into regret. "And I will be back as soon as I can, but..." he sighed. "It may be a while."
Okay, that wasn't quite as specific as she'd been thinking, but Darcy grabbed her hand then and started mumbling about something to do with fairy-tales and she got distracted.
Loki touched Thor's arm and they disappeared, Loki saying something about hoping the hound was as good as legend said and Thor arguing that it was better. Between that and Darcy's babbling, Jane felt like the only sane person among them.
She made herself a cup of tea and put some music on quietly, taking a book to read from Darcy's shelves, and she settled herself down on the armchair next to the couch to wait for Darcy to wake up.