Chapter Eleven: Confusion Amass
It was a couple hours later when the door opened and Four came striding in. I hadn't moved, I still sat, staring at nothing. He paced in front of me, before finding a place against the wall next to me. He turned his torso and gently touched my cheek with his thumb.
"I'm fine." I told him, taking his hand away from my face.
"Why?" He asked.
"I don't know."
"He didn't say anything?"
"He basically told me not to speak to him. At least that's what I got out of it."
"Why?"
"I don't know, Tobias." I shot at him angrily. "I don't know what I did. I don't know what I said. I just don't know! I don't know why! All I did was try to talk to him! All I wanted was to show him that someone actually cares about him! I just – I wanted to – and now –"
"I know." He nodded putting his arm around me.
"I know who he is. I know that this is for the best, but you just don't understand, Four. This is so confusing."
"I know." He repeated.
"You don't though." I frowned at him.
He pressed a kiss against my forehead, "It's going to be okay."
"Sure." I said resting my head against his shoulder.
With only a few hours left to sleep, Four went to his apartment, telling me that I needed some rest. He was right, but it wasn't going to happen. My mind was still alive and my cheek and eye throbbed every time I moved. Slowly getting to my feet, my body ached from being in the same position all night. Showering, I made my way to the Dining Hall, finding Claude sitting with Henry and a much happier looking Terra.
"I am so sorry." She told me as soon as I sat next to Claude.
"Stop." I smiled.
"What happened to your face?" Claude asked, gripping my chin and turning my face so she could see it better.
It had bruised a good portion of my eye and temple, creeping down across my cheek. It was a dark bruise too. Not like when I got punched out by the creep in the infirmary. It was obvious. The hit had been completely intentional. To cause me pain and to make sure I remembered the lesson that was associated with it. Good thing I was a member of Dauntless and bruises were common.
"Nothing, it's fine." I told her.
"You look like hell." Henry stated.
Attempting not to let my temper start to rise, I nodded at him, "Yeah, I know."
"She didn't sleep last night." Four interrupted. "Come on; let's get to the training room before the initiates arrive."
Standing, I grabbed a muffin before walking away from the others. Nibbling on it as we walked, I could see Four's worried look out of the corner of my eye. It was a very clear and obvious expression. Sighing, I glared at him, not wanting to talk about it or dwell on the fact that my non-boyfriend-ex-lover hit me harder than I'd been hit in a long time. On purpose anyway.
"Can we not dwell on it?" I asked.
He nodded, putting his arm around me. Sighing, I did the same, smiling at him as we stepped into the training room. Then my heart fell, seeing Eric standing in front of the chalkboard, writing the names of who would fight who today.
"Isn't that my job?" Four asked.
"Yeah." Eric replied. "But my pairing is more interesting."
He turned his head and did a double-take when he saw me. I could see him tense and I couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing. Part of me thought he was going to come after me, but then I realized that that was completely ridiculous. Despite the past couple days; I still didn't think that he would seriously hurt me. Then I mentally kicked myself since he had hurt me. I was just trying to see something that wasn't there.
"Are you going to be here all day?" Four asked.
"I plan to. Unless something more interesting happens." He replied.
"Like beating women?" I shot at him, meeting his eyes. He clenched his jaw. "Like mind games? Because watching initiates beat the shit out of each other is way more interesting than both of those things."
Four stepped up to me. "Opie, calm down."
"Why?" I shot at him. "Why should I calm down when I'm not the one with the fucking problem?! He's the one who has something going on! He's the one who needs to look in the fucking mirror so he can finally place the blame where it belongs! And stop putting it on those who are just trying to help him!"
Pushing against Four, he held me back, "Take a walk."
Meeting his eyes, I nodded, moving toward the door. Stopping, I looked back at Eric. He gave nothing away. "I was never asking for anything, Eric." I told him, taking a line out of his book. "Only for you to talk to me."
Leaving, I could hear the initiates coming. Turning down a hall, I hid in the shadows as they passed me by. I didn't want them to see me upset. I didn't want to be upset. Taking a deep breath, I moved to the control room, going inside and looking for Claude. Finding her monitoring the screens, I rushed to her side.
"I need to talk to you." I told her.
"Pen, what is it?" She frowned.
"Pen." Max's voice said from behind me.
Straightening, I looked at him. "I'm sorry. I just need a few minutes of her time." He nodded. "Thank you." Gripping her wrist, I pulled her from the room and out into the hall. Pacing in front of her, I nodded, trying to decide why I was even here. "It was Eric." I told her.
"Your face?" She frowned.
"I don't know what is going on, Claude. I don't know if he's being put up to this or if he's really been playing me all along. I thought it was just a onetime thing, and it's only been a couple days but he's not supposed to be like this. Not with me."
"Keep your voice down." Claude told me.
"I know." I nodded. "Sorry. I'm just gonna go." I told her and walked away.
"Pen." She called after me. "Pen!"
"It's fine." I told her over my shoulder.
"Where are you going?" She asked.
"I have initiates to help train." I replied still walking away.
"I don't think that's a good idea!" She yelled after me.
I just waved my hand over my shoulder before I was out of sight. Going back to the training room, I was just in time to see Molly peeling herself off the floor, Edward standing at the opposite end of the arena. I watched Eric circle Edward's name on the board.
"Hey." I said to Four as I stepped next to him as he leaned against the doorframe.
"You pull yourself together?" He asked softly.
"About as together as I am gonna get today."
"What the hell?" He asked.
"I lost my temper. It happens. You of all people should know." I told him.
He nodded, gently nudging me, his subtle way of comforting me. Forcing a smile for him, we both looked at the arena. Tris is up next. She's set to fight Peter. Some cruel joke on Eric's part. Tris looked absolutely terrified and I couldn't blame her. Peter was going to wipe the floor with her, more than likely sweeping her own blood along with it. She was doomed. There was no way in hell she was going to be able to beat him.
She walked to the center of the arena just as Peter does, smiling at her. "You okay there, Stiff? You look like you're about to cry. I might go easy on you if you cry."
I clenched my jaw and for a moment met Four's eyes. Tris is looking at us, not sure if she's expecting us to tell them to start or what. Four and I are anxious while Eric stood tapping his foot with boredom as he waited for them to start. Peter seemed to sense it, bringing his hands up by his face, his elbows bent. Bending his knees, getting ready to spring.
"Come on, Stiff." He taunted, his eyes glinting. "Just one little tear. Maybe some begging."
His goading works, she attempted to kick him in the side only he caught her foot and yanked it forward, knocking her off-balance. She fell onto her back, pulling her foot free, scrambling to her feet.
"Stop playing with her." Eric snapped. "I don't have all day."
Peter loses his mischievous look and he quickly punched her in the face. Hard too, since Tris looked dazed. He kicks her hard in the stomach as she attempted to move away from him. She didn't have enough time to recover. I can imagine the air leaving her lungs before she falls to the floor. She attempted to pick herself up but Peter gripped her hair with one hand, punching her in the nose with the other. She slapped at his arms, fear taking her over, and he punched her again, this time in the ribs. This was brutal and hard to watch. Blood is running from her nose but I don't think she really gets what's happening. After those hits her vision is probably swimming and we'd be lucky if she knew where she was.
Peter shoved her down, her hands audibly scrapping on the ground. She coughed and dragged herself to her feet. She's trying so hard to put effort into it but she had lost the second she had faced him. He hits her again in the side and she nearly fell again. Shaking my head, I looked at Four. He's tense, the muscles in his arm flexed as if he wants to act. Rocking side to side, I look back at the initiates. Tris is on her feet, facing Peter, but I'm almost certain she's not seeing him anymore. She punches as hard as she can; hitting his arm but it was pointless. He smacks her ear with the flat of his palm, laughing under his breath.
Blood is covering her face now. "This needs to end." I told Four.
"I know."
"Then do something."
"What do you want me to do?" He shot at me.
"I don't know." I replied. He turned, pushing the door open and walking out. "But that wasn't what I meant." I watched Tris fall to her knees before she's on her stomach. Peter kicks her in her side. I couldn't take any more. "Enough!" I shouted as I rushed into the arena. "Back off." I said shoving Peter hard in the chest. He just grinned at me but did what he was told. "Al." I said motioning to him. "Get her to the infirmary. I won't be far behind you."
"Okay." He nodded and gently picked her up off the ground. She was out cold.
"Everyone, take a break." I told the other initiates. As soon as they were out of earshot, I stepped up to Eric. "Are you happy now? Two days in a row an initiate has gone to the infirmary. That isn't learning, Eric. It's torture."
"They'll learn just fine." He replied with a raised brow.
Looking at him sadly, I shook my head at him, "All I wanted was to see some good in you. I thought I had. But I was clearly mistaken."
"Clearly." He shot back.
"You're such a disappointment." I told him sadly, seeing just the slightest of flickers in his eyes.
Walking away from him, I caught up to Al, having him put Tris on the far bed for more privacy. I didn't need members coming to see how beat up the initiates were. They were already watching, a few lingering by the door. Pulling the curtain to make it as private as possible, I sent Al back to the training room. I was sure the fighting would continue, but I wasn't going to leave her. This was ridiculous, I was supposed to be helping train them but instead all I was doing was treating the wounds that they were forced to inflict on each other. I remembered the fighting, but this seemed far more brutal for some reason.
Wiping the blood from her face, bruising was already starting to seep across it and her ribs and abdomen. She was going to hurt like hell tomorrow. I could only imagine what she was going to have to endure. Though by the days end, Terra had also joined us, though she was conscious. Myra wasn't much of a fighter but anyone could beat Terra. She wasn't going to last long. Not unless she managed to turn it around somehow. Something that I thought would be nearly impossible. It still boggled my mind why she chose Dauntless.
"How you doing?" Henry asked, handing me a plate from dinner.
"I'm exhausted." I smiled.
"They've kept you busy." He stated as he leaned against the nursing station.
Claude was here as well, but she was busy flirting with Terra. It was adorable but I worried for her since Terra was not going to make it. But how was I going to tell Claude that? She wasn't going to listen to me.
"Hey." Henry said running his hand down my hair.
"I'm sorry." I told him. "I just really could use some sleep."
"Then go get some." He demanded. "You've done all you can."
Nodding, I stood, waving at Claude and kissing Henry's cheek before I left. Slowly making my way to my apartment, I passed Eric in the hall. It was as if we were both moving in slow motion, our eyes meeting, staring as we passed, our heads turning to make it last longer. My fingers unconsciously moved toward his hand. But his didn't reach for mine. As soon as he was out of sight, I let out the breath I had been holding, wanting my bed more than ever. Stepping through the door, Four was standing at the balcony, looking out over the city.
"You're home." He smiled.
"Busy day. You weren't around for much of it." I replied.
"I couldn't watch any more of it."
"You could have stopped it."
"How? Eric wasn't going to let me stop it."
Sighing, I nodded, "I know."
"Has he talked to you?"
"Nope."
"Do you want him to?"
"Not so much anymore." I replied honestly.
He smiled, taking my head in his hands and kissed my forehead. "Get some sleep. Take tomorrow off. We're just going to the fence and you don't need to go there." Nodding, I put my hand over his. "It's always harder when you see people you know."
"I think I'll take you up on that."
"Good." He said with raised brows. "And stay away from Eric."
Laughing lightly, I nodded, "No problem there."
Come morning, I didn't feel much like getting up. Four and the initiates were probably already gone and Dauntless seemed quiet. Sighing, I showered and made my way to the Parlor; if anything I could occupy myself with art. Veering off, I decided to check the infirmary to see if anyone had lingered. Tris nor Terra was there, no one else for that matter. I was about to leave when a half dozen of our soldiers appeared carrying three men. Turning to follow them, one more appeared. Eric. He was massaging his hand, blood covering it. There was a small cut to the side of his forehead, a slow drop of blood making its way down his temple. Frowning, I unconsciously reached my hand up, but stopped and turned away from him.
"What happened?" I asked the soldiers.
"There was a confrontation." One replied.
"Too bad we don't have any peace serum." I smirked at them.
They gave a short laugh and nodded. "Will you need us for anything?" Another asked.
"Is there any breaks or heavy bleeding? Any hits that might cause bleeding internally?"
"I don't think so." She replied. "Pretty sure it's all superficial."
"Then I should be good." I replied. "As long as they don't pitch a fit."
"We won't." One of the injured replied.
Getting to work, the soldier had been right. Their injuries only needed cleaning and a bandage or two. They'd be fine. When I asked what the confrontation was about they all told me it was nothing. Just a misunderstanding that got out of hand. Though I caught one or more of them shooting quick glances at Eric. It wasn't hard to figure out that all of this was done by his hands. He just couldn't help himself. He had to cause trouble. Why the hell couldn't he just learn that if he showed everyone his kinder side than his life would get better? If he could learn to just stop fighting it. I don't care what they want him to do, if he would just show a little kindness than things could be different. Dauntless are known for their vivaciousness and their ability to have fun. But Eric just showed us how hard and malicious we could be. Why couldn't he lighten up? More than that why couldn't he just be that way with me? This hardness was torture, especially after the gentleness and kindness he'd shown me already. To have him become the opposite was more painful that I ever thought it would be.
When all the others were tended to, Eric still lingered, blood still covering his hand and now his face. He was just standing there, watching me. Sighing, I motioned to a bed. He sat down, looking at his hand. Holding mine out to him, he met my eyes before slowly putting his into it. The touch of his skin made a shiver run through me. Sighing again, I started to gently clean the blood from his hand. Taking it in both of mine, I looked at the cuts, they were superficial and nothing that he wasn't used to. Moving to his face, I cleaned the trail of blood, dabbing at the cut. It had already stopped bleeding. He'd be fine, as usual.
Feeling a wave of disappointment when I was done, I met his eyes as I took his head in my hands. I could feel him tense. Looking at him sadly, I placed a long kiss against his forehead. "All better." I told him and walked away.
Taking a deep breath as soon as he was out of sight, I nodded to myself. It wasn't much but it was enough. Even if he didn't care anymore, I wanted him to know that I still did. Even though I knew that I shouldn't. But I wasn't going to let anyone make decisions for me. And if it was a mistake then it was mine to make and I would live with the consequences. Me. Not anyone else.
"Hey, no fieldtrip today?" Tori asked.
"No." I replied. "Four offered the opportunity to stay behind, so I did."
"Too close to home?"
I nodded, "And I needed the break. This group is different. The training procedure is different. I know we had to fight but I don't remember it being this brutal." I told her as I lounged in a chair. "Was it always this brutal?"
"No." She smiled. "It's been a slow day. I'm not sure what you wanna do. Is that blood?" She frowned seeing my hand.
"Right." I said washing them. "I was at the infirmary and a few people showed up."
"A few people?" She asked. "And you left with blood on our hands?"
"Eric was one of them."
"He okay?" She asked for my benefit.
"He's fine." I replied.
"Did he finally say something?"
"Not a word."
"Did you?"
"Nothing important."
"Pen."
"Tori." I frowned. "Nothing happened. I didn't jump him on a bed and have my way with him. I'm just as angry with him today as I was yesterday."
"And you're hurting because of it." She stated.
"That's none of your business." I shot at her. "You didn't want me involved as it is and now I'm not. You should be happy. I think I'd prefer you be honest about the situation instead of this fake empathy you've got going on. I'm fine. I'll be fine." I told her. "Without him."
"Why is it that you won't let anyone look out for you?" She frowned back. "I know that you care about him and that this is hard for you, but we're just trying to keep the damage to a minimum."
"Sorry." I told her, though she didn't look like she believed me. "I am, Tori. I am sorry. It's just – I've never felt like this about anyone and to have him dismiss me without cause is leaving me feeling sad and confused."
"It's not just sex anymore, is it?" She asked gently.
"No." I told her.
"Find Claude and Henry, go try and relax." She told me.
Nodding at her, I took a deep breath, "That would be nice but Henry is on the fieldtrip and Claude is busy in the control room."
"Go see her."
"Eric will be there." I stated.
"Maybe it's time you talk to him."
"I can't." I frowned. "If I try to all the feelings I have for him will rush back and I will want to be with him. Even if he hits me. And that's not normal. That's not right. He doesn't even seem sorry about what he did. He doesn't care what I think or what he's doing to me. But I want him, Tori. That's wrong and I know that but – it's even more than want – Tori, I need him."
"Stop it." She said holding up her hands. "Just stop, I don't want to hear it. I get that you have feelings for him but it's over, it's done, let him go. Pen, you just have to let him go."
Nodding, I turned and left, not feeling like I needed to take a beating for being honest with her. She was one of the few people I was completely and totally honest with and all I wanted to do was talk to her. Why won't anyone talk to me? Feeling like I needed to breakdown, I went to the training room and started to punch the shit out of the bag, feeling my knuckles start to break open, my blood smearing across it. When the pain was enough that my fingers were starting to feel numb, I stopped, shaking them out, droplets of blood flying from them.
"Shit." I said making my way to the infirmary. Cleaning my hands, wrapping them, I sat on a bed, contemplating my life. "I don't care about him. I don't care about him. I don't, I don't, I don't. He's not worth it. He's not worth it. He's not, he's not, he's not."
"Hey." Tori said coming in.
"Are you going to argue with me again?" I shot at her. "Because I'm really not in the mood. I don't need you to tell me how stupid I am and how much better off I am without him. It's not up to you and I'm not stupid. I know better. I do. But you don't spend months with someone and then just forget them because some shit goes down. You do not get to judge me or look down on me or tell me something you think I need to hear. I don't need to hear it. I'm done hearing it."
"Don't be stubborn about this. And don't lose your temper. You wanted to talk to me and I blew you off. But I'm here to listen."
"I have nothing more to say to you." I told her. "I love you, Tori. You're family and you always will be, but I cannot keep going rounds with you. Not on this subject."
"That's why I brought back up." She said and Eric appeared behind her.
"What the hell, Tori?!" I yelled at her. "I'm confused enough and now you think you can just bring him to me and everything will be okay?! Both of you can go screw yourselves!"
"Stop." Eric frowned stepping toward me.
"No!" I shot at him. "You don't just get to come in here and tell me to stop! You have no power over me."
"Clearly." He frowned down at me. "Just like you have none over me."
"I'm yelling at you! Why the hell aren't you yelling back?!" I shot at him.
"I deserve to be yelled at." He nodded. "You don't."
"Damn right I don't!" I yelled and started to pace. "I didn't do a damn thing and then you fucking hit me! Treating me like I'm nothing! Making me feel like nothing!" Pausing, I took a deep steadying breath, lowering my voice. "I don't deserve it, Eric. So why are you standing in front of me? I've been asking you to speak to me and you keep pushing me away. Are you going to speak to me now?"
"I hurt you." He nodded. "I get that. But you don't understand."
"You're right! I don't understand! You once called me confusing but you are the confusing one!" I told him, yelling again.
"Stop yelling at me!" He finally yelled back. "I have a lot I want to say."
Nodding, for a moment excitement filled me. I wanted to know what he had to say. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted him to touch me. But then there was an overwhelming sense of anger. He shows up here and expected me to listen to him, fall into his arms, and go right back to being happy with him. Well, I wasn't going to do it. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.
"You know what?" I smiled, throwing up my hands. "I don't even care anymore. I'm not going to feel like shit about myself because the guy I care about treats me that way. You hit me, Eric. And it wasn't a hit to teach me a lesson. It was a hit to cause me pain and it hurts. It hurts, Eric. And that's your fault. Everyone wanted me to see you for who you really are and I defended you. I defended you until I couldn't anymore. The moment I couldn't was when you hit me. How can I defend a man who hits me for just trying to be close to him?"
"Pen –"
"No, Eric!" I said stopping him. "I'm done. I don't want to beat myself up for wanting to be with you. You've done enough of that for the both of us." I told him and left.
"Pen!" Tori said following me. "I thought you wanted him to talk to you? It took a lot of talking to get him to come here. He thinks you despise him."
"Let him." I shot at her. "He's no longer my problem."
"So what was all that shit you were spewing earlier?" She shot at me. "You need him and yet now you won't talk to him."
Turning, I got into her face. "I need to work shit out and I wanted to talk to you about it. I needed to work it out, Tori. Not have him thrust into my face. I needed your help and you basically betrayed my trust by going to him."
"How did I betray you?" She frowned.
Shaking my head, "I don't know. But it feels like it all the same. You wanted me to let him go and then you brought him to me. Why?"
"For you." She told me sadly. "To work it through and to see where you both stand."
"I didn't say that I needed to see him to work it through. I needed you." I stated and turned away from her.
"Pen, you're being stupid if you just walk away." She shot at me.
Shooting her a glare, I was beginning to hate my world, "Then let me be."
Going to my apartment, I paced the length of it over and over and over again. My mind was reeling and felt like I needed to cry. Felt like crying would make me feel better. But the moment I decided to let them fall was the moment I realized that I had none to shed. My eyes were dry which made me feel worse. Just because I was strong enough to yell at him and tell him that I'm done…didn't make me want him any less. Thinking that I may have just ruined my chance to be with him, the tears finally started to brim. I wanted to feel better. I just wanted to feel better.