Session Eleven: Amatory Accordance

Sunlight poured in through the window, filling every corner of the bedroom. I blinked at it, then squinted once I finally realised it was too bright to look at directly. Where was I? Was I really in my room, or- of course I was, there was my John Mayer poster. Good, good, I'd made it home. Snuggling in close to my teddy bear, I rolled over to go back to slumberland.

But how had I made it home? I was outside, soaked to the bone, talking to-

"Harley!"

I sat bolt upright, making my brain bounce around inside my head. Ouch; looks like champagne and swimming do not mix. But I wasn't in a wet ballgown - instead, I was wearing a violet nightie I remembered buying on sale at Macy's and never wearing. Woobie, my aged bear, rolled to a stop across the floor. What happened last night?

As I swung my legs out of bed, I also noticed I was wearing fuzzy socks. Feeling under my nightie, I did have panties on. Okay, those were the ones I was wearing under my dress; I could feel the lace. At least I knew now that I hadn't dreamt it all.

"H-" I coughed. Ew, I also had morning breath; into the bathroom I went. A quick gargle, rinse and Bayer later, I was staring into the mirror at my frizzy hair. Great. It probably smelled like mildew. Yawning, I padded out into the living room to check for the paper-

And found myself sprawled on top of Harley.

"AAAGH!" she screamed, thrashing around violently. Blinking, I tried to push myself away and disentangle our limbs, but I only ended up nose to nose with her.

"Oh!"

"Babsy!" she gasped, trying to catch her breath. "I, oh, you- that is, good mornin', 'cause it's mornin', and- what are you doing?!"

"Harley!" I said at last, a little slow on the uptake. The sofa sleeper was out; that's where we were. I stared down; she was wearing one of my oversized nightshirts, the one with a big whale plastered across it. "Is- is that-"

"Oh, yeah, it is!" She blushed, smiling uncertainly. "I... I didn't think you'd mind, I j-just- I'm sorry, I'll take it off, hang on-"

"No, no, no!" I protested, pinning her arms above her head to stop her from stripping for me. "Just keep those clothes on, it's fine, I-"

The redness was not receding from her cheeks; as I watched, her eyelashes fluttered, and that's when it dawned on me that I was lying on top of her, pinning her arms to the bed and talking about taking off clothes. This was not good, and I was about to make it worse.

"What did we do last night?"

"Huh? Why'd you ask?"

"I... I woke up wearing this purple thingy," I said nervously. "Did... you..."

"No!" she gasped, eyes wide. "Oh, Babsy, don't worry about that, I- I would never take advantage like that! D-don't say things like that, okay?!"

My eyebrows knitted themselves together. "Then-"

"You were gettin' water all over the place," she laughed nervously. "I... I dunno, I didn't think I should leave you like that, so I... I changed you while you were asleep."

"You what?!"

"I'm really sorry!" She was so red - I couldn't believe this! "I mean, I know that's kinda forward of me, but... but I couldn't let ya get sick, could I?"

I took a few deep breaths; I was aware of her wriggling beneath me, and it was a disquieting sensation, but I ignored that for the moment. "Did you... look at me, at all?"

Guilt was all over her face. "How could I not? You're so perfect."

Now my complexion matched my hair, I was sure of it. I'd been feeling slightly embarrassed before, but a comment like that... all the sensations I'd been trying to ignore hit me with devastating force, surging through my veins, and I understood the full implications of Harley having a thing for me. "I- I- Harley, I-"

"Well Christ, I'd like to see you change somebody's wet clothes without looking!" she protested, now trying very hard to avoid my eyes. "Just because I didn't hate it to death doesn't mean I was tryin' to-"

"That's not the-" I stopped myself, bit my lip for a moment, then let out a shaky breath. "Okay. Okay, I get it; you peeled my dress off, and you did see me n-n-n-"

"Not all the way," she insisted. "I- I couldn't let myself take off your-"

"I noticed." Then I looked back into her eyes, simultaneously relieved and offended (offended?!). "Why not?"

"That's..." Her breath had to be at least two hundred degrees. "Babsy, I couldn't. That's... that's too private, I didn't have any right."

"Oh." Then I got past the awkwardness of the idea of Harley undressing me - not an easy feat - and came to the other half of the coin. "Oh! Thank you, I'm sorry, I should have said that already. Thanks for cleaning me up and getting me home."

She nodded, still breathing heavily. We stayed that way for several seconds before she cleared her throat and said, "Unless you're planning on takin' this any further, you should probably get offa me."

"Right!" I leaped backwards so enthusiastically I almost ended up with my butt inside the television. "Harley, I'm sorry, I- I didn't know you were in here, I didn't even know how I got home in the first place!"

But she didn't say anything. I watched her sit up slowly, hands on her upper biceps, trying not to look at me. My heart started to feel like it was caught in quicksand. Finally, when I couldn't stand it anymore, I said, "So..."

"I'll get outta your way," she said weakly. "Just... just gimme a few minutes."

"No, stay!" I responded too quickly. "I mean, I wouldn't m-mind if you hung around a while."

"This ain't my house anymore, Babs. I should go." She looked up at me for a brief second, smiled, then padded off to the bathroom.

What was I supposed to do now? This whole thing had made last night's proclamation of love all too real. Though I didn't want to make myself go there, I could tell she didn't object in the slightest to me being on top of her; it was kind of creepy, and flattering, and sad all at the same time. I was also kind of irked that she felt that way when it was an accident - how dare she! Then again, if Brad Pitt or George Clooney walked into my room and fell on top of me, I'd probably get a little hot under the collar no matter what the reason. Not that it was much comfort.

By the time she came back from the bathroom, still wearing my sleep shirt, I'd folded up the couch. "Oh - didn't waste any time, huh?"

"Yeah," I gusted. "Um... I put on a pot of coffee. Want some?"

"Thanks, but I better split," she laughed. "I just... can I borrow some clothes? I don't wanna wear my prom dress home, y'know - let all the kids from school know what happened in the hotel room."

"Sure," I laughed. "Help yourself."

"And I won't get into your underwear drawer, I promise," she told my floor.

"I- I wasn't even thinking that, don't-"

"I was tryin' to be funny," she said miserably. "Kind of a crappy joke, though."

We stood there for a moment like wax replicas of good friends. Even though I wanted to talk, I felt a very strong wish in my heart that she would just go get a pair of slacks and be on her way, and maybe if we put this on hold for a day or two we could more calmly figure out what we-

"D'you hate me for all this? You should hate me, I- I changed the game, or the rules or somethin', and I'm such a big dumbbell!"

"Oh, don't start with this," I sighed. "If I haven't been able to hate you before, why would I pick this as the reason?"

She shrugged, still not looking at me. "I... I'm not a lesbo, y'know."

I blinked. "Wh-what? But no, y- you said-"

"I know, but-" She scratched behind one ear. "Well, I guess maybe I am, but... but I never liked girls before. This is a new thing."

"Oh." Now I felt really strange. "So it's just... me?"

A slight nod. "Yeah."

The pressure mounted. It's true, her words were that she was in love with me - not merely crushing on me, not that she thought I was one of a thousand girls she might bang. My mind went back to my earlier thought that I was the one putting out the vibe; maybe that was true. "Really?"

"No, I just been pullin' yer leg for, y'know, months."

"Stop it," I said meekly. "I... I don't know what to say. Nobody's ever... and you're a girl!"

"I know I am," she grunted, finally looking at me. "Some detective. Didn'tcha figure that one out before now?"

"Well, yeah, but... I'm sorry, I'm taking this really bad, I know." The bridge of my nose needed another pinch. "I don't really have any gay friends, or- or anything, and I've just never had to deal with this kind of situation."

"I have," she said quietly. "Once or twice. But... okay, trust me, it's a whole 'nother ball game when you're personally involved."

"I am personally involved!"

Her eyes rolled, but I knew she didn't mean to suggest I was being dense (not this time, anyway). "Yeah, you are, but I mean- I mean before, it was somethin' I could theorise about, or decide if I thought I agreed with it or whatever you like, but... but now I gotta deal with it, 'cause it's me. I'm the one who's..."

"Yeah, I'm finding that out." Even though she had dressed me and left my panties alone, I felt very exposed. "I just mean... why me? I've got to be the most undesirab-"

"Don't do that," she said very suddenly. "If you start trying to tell me why you ain't a good catch, I'll hafta start in on why you are, and that could get kinda sticky. Trust me, I got reasons."

My heart was pounding. Nothing we were saying was helping; I continued to feel horribly nervous around her, like I was being stalked and I couldn't call for help, though I knew that was absurd. I was beginning to understand a little, but that only made me feel more uncomfortable.

"I really, really wanna go," she pleaded. "Y... ya got any clean jeans?"

"Just answer me one thing," I said, fighting down the lump in my throat. "Is there any way we could just be friends like this? I mean, I know that's kind of horrendous of me to ask, but- but you moving to Suicide Slums or wherever doesn't sit well with me."

"We've tried, Babs. We tried it, for a long while, and... and we kept comin' back to this."

"But was it so bad? I mean, I know it wasn't exactly easy, but we still had fun, and- and we-"

"I know," she wailed, running a hand through her hair. I noticed her French braids were still there, albeit a little messier than the night previous. "And... um, I guess if I'm really gonna be up front, here, I'm not sure I could take never seeing you again at all. But I dunno if I can stay just friends with you, I want to, but that's..."

I was about to cry again. Too much crying going on lately. Because I didn't know what else to do, I did the only thing I could: threw my arms around her neck and held her like I was trying to crack open a walnut. "I'll do anything, okay? I- I know I've been kinda hard to deal with, and I'm kinda anal retentive, but now I- I think I kinda need you around, because you're- you're kinda my best friend!"

"Babs, please, don't do this," she choked. I noticed her hands weren't touching me. "I'm tryin' so hard to keep my head, but the m-more this happens over and over, one of these times I'm not gonna be-"

"Let it happen!"

Now she pushed me away from her, gaping at my tear-streaked face, starting to redden a touch at the mere notion. "Wh-wh-wh-wha-wha-"

"If- if you need me in that way, I- I want you to have me!" What in God's name was I SAYING?! I couldn't mean ANY of this! "M-maybe I'm making some kind of big mistake here, maybe I'm losing it, b-but every time I think about you being gone, I- I can't breathe! And I c-can't ask you to keep forcing yourself to act like nothing's wrong, so- so you can do whatever you want, just d-don't shut me out of your life, I can't handle it, I-"

SMACK.

That stung. In all my years, prowling the back alleys of Gotham, I'd scarcely experienced a pain that ran so deep. My hand moved to my face, feeling the raw skin where her hand ran into it. "H-Harley?"

"That's disgusting," she whispered, lip quivering. "D-do you really think I'd up and- God, just do it to take care of myself, even if you didn't want me to? Babsy, I- I could never do that, I won't!"

"But it- I don't know if I want you to!" Everything I said was scaring me so badly that I started to shake; the hand not on my cheek snatched at the air for a chair, and seconds before I headed for yet another tumble, Harley helped me onto the couch. "And I w-won't know until we try, right? So- so if we-"

"No!" she shouted, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Babs, y-you can't know what you're saying, so- so I'm gonna go!"

"Don't go, please!" I sobbed, latching onto her arm. "I... I need you to stay with me, I can't-"

"No, I'm- I'm going before I do something we'll both regret," she croaked; her voice was so hoarse. She hesitated, as if she was going to say something else to me, then pulled out of my grip, strode to the door and left my apartment.

My fingers reached up to where her open hand had struck the side of my face. The room was spinning again. I needed to get that looked at. Actually, what I really needed to examine was the fact that I almost forced Harley to have sex with me. What was that?! Did I want to convert, just because my friend did? I could hear my father now: "If that Quinn woman jumped off a bridge..."

But I did know why, in some way. For whatever bizarre, alternate-universe reason, Harley really was my best friend, and I didn't want a crush to get in the way of that. If I couldn't make it go away, the option remained that I could embrace it. Was it wise? Maybe not. Fair to myself? Most assuredly not. Would it work?

Yes. If I did this, if I let her do whatever she wanted to with me, convinced her I was okay with it, she'd stay. Maybe it wasn't pleasant, but it would work. The more I thought about it, the more it felt like my only shot.

The door opened, and I nearly wet myself. "WH-WHA-?!"

"Sorry," Harley whispered. "I, uh... forgot I wasn't wearin' anything."

I laughed in spite of myself, noticing her bare legs and lack of footwear. "Yeah... yeah, the police might not let you get away with that."

"Why give them a reason to throw me back in Arkham, right?"

We both laughed, smiling warmly. I jumped to my feet. "So, about that coffee-"

"Babs, can you give it a rest?"

"No, I can't, I don't want to. We really need..."

Harley was there, her hand on my cheek, her eyelashes inches from mine. "I'm... I'm sorry for hitting you."

"That's..." If only there was a way to make your heart quit beating without dying! Harley was staring into me, blue halos around dilated pupils. Her breath was sweet on my chin.

"Tell me you love me."

"I- I-" My throat couldn't handle this one, it was too dry. My mouth formed the words, but I couldn't give them any sound.

"What?" she yelped, half daring me to say it out loud, half shocked I'd tried to at all.

"I l-love you," I whimpered.

Once we'd passed that point, only then could I tell she'd been trying to fluster me, to make me admit that I was bluffing. But she could still see through my bluff, anyway. "Oh, Babsy, you- I never, ever had a friend before that'd do somethin' like that for me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry you gotta go through all this messy-"

"I love you!" I said more strongly, moving my hands up her back.

"You can stop now," she giggled nervously.

"Harley, I-"

Ruby lips were so close, and deep, hypnotic eyes closed for a moment. Then they flung themselves open again, and she half-squeaked, "Okay, ya better cut it out if ya don't want me to take you seriously, 'cos if you keep going-"

"Harley, I- I can't stop!"

Actually, the really funny thing is, me saying that aloud made both of us stop. She drew back so as to take in my whole face, and I found myself positively gasping for breath, tingling all over. "Babs?"

"Wh... what did you do to me?" I panted. "I... I was... oh my God, what's going on, here?"

"No," she said firmly. "No, you- I don't want this now, I can't turn you into one o' me. That's... that ain't fair."

"I'm sorry," I gusted, staring at the floor. "But I really can't tell if I just got caught up in the moment, or... or something else. Harley, what if-"

"About that coffee, yeah!" she said brightly, visibly unravelling. "How much sugar ya got? 'Cos I take it really, really syrupy, y'know, and-"

"Yes, coffee," I said, clearing my throat. "I... I want nothing more than to drink coffee."

"Coffee is the best."

We both looked at each other, caught the serious looks on our faces, and burst out laughing. We were acting ridiculous; what was the big deal? There wasn't anything that couldn't be discussed calmly and rationally.

But as Harley poured some of my murky brew into a mug, she asked, "So... are you switching teams already?"

"What?!"

"Sorry about that," she said through gritted teeth, a pained look on her face. "I... well, I wanted to ease into it, but I couldn't think of a good way. But I think we gotta hash this out, and pronto."

"I agree," I said miserably, crossing my legs under the kitchen chair I was perched in. "No point delaying the hard stuff."

"I won't force you." She started spooning sugar in, concentrating very hard on this task. "I... I can't do that to you, I respect ya too much. Hell, I'm not all that comfortable with the physical part yet, myself!"

A weak laugh came out, even though I wasn't in a humourous mood. "Yeah, I'd say that's the aspect that scares me most, too, but-"

"And listen - I don't want you actin' all brave and 'taking one for the team', 'cos if that's the only way I can have you, well, forget it! That just ain't worth it!"

"Harley-"

"And we can be friends again! I know we can, I- I just hafta drink this coffee to settle my nerves, and we, um... won't fall in any more fountains, and everything'll be-"

"Harley, I don't care if we sleep together."

CLANG. Coffee ran down off the counter, spreading across my linoleum. "Oops! Clumsy me! Hang on, are the rags still in-"

"I don't care!" I was on my feet, chest heaving. "I'm gonna be as honest as I can be right now, knowing that I have no idea what I'm talking about because all rational thought just blew out the window! As long as you promise we can talk, and shop, and watch movies and- and do all that stuff we always do, then I don't care whether or not we're sharing a bedroom, because- because I care too damn much about the rest of you!"

"Well, I care!" She turned to me, looking as if she was trying not to scratch my eyes out. She was scary when she was angry, and I backed up a step, causing my chair to scrape across the floor noisily. "I care, because I can't stop thinking about you! Tell me you want me, tell me you don't, but don't sit there and say it doesn't matter 'cos I- it matters to me!"

My heart was thumping in my chest again; didn't take much lately. "But... but I don't think about you that way, Harley," I whispered. "I- I guess it just never occurred to me before, I-"

"Because you're straight. I know, okay? Must be nice. I thought I was too before I started having those special kinda dreams about you."

My face had to be darker than my nightie. "D-dreams? About me?"

"Oh, I am so not talkin' about this," she laughed harshly. "That's embarrassment for its own sake."

"Tell me."

Silence. She opened a cabinet, took out a rag and began sopping up the coffee that was slowly staining the countertop. "You ever been to the Lotus Gardens?"

"The what? Oh, right... that restaurant on Johnson Road. What about it?"

"Ever have any desire to dress up in a kimono?"

Were my features ever going to be their normal hue again? "Oh, r-r-really? Huh, m-me in a kimono, im-im-imagine that."

"Kinda have already." She threw the rag in the sink, putting a hand on her hip. "See? If that's enough to make you all squeamish, what were you gonna do when we hopped in the sack?"

"Wing it?"

She smiled slightly, then frowned. "Babs, I- you are my best friend. Ya gotta be, 'cause any other girl woulda bolted by now. This is some heavy stuff, here."

"You're worth it to me."

Her head tilted slightly, examining me as if a mildly intriguing painting at an art exhibition. "You sure you're not in love with me, too? That was some Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn type stuff ya just spewed out."

"I don't know," I said. That made her eyebrows shoot skyward, so I quickly followed up with, "I'm not ruling anything out, that's all. I know you're probably the closest friend I've ever had in my life, and, uh... but love? I've had such precious little experience with it..."

Now that I checked again, Harley was staring straight down into the garbage disposal. "Gosh."

"What?"

"Sorry, I- I'm sorry, only... guess I didn't picture you actually returning my feelings. I mean, I still don't think you are, but I hadn't bothered to entertain that thought at all before."

"Hey," I soothed, standing up and placing a hand on hers. "You know, it's not because you're not a great person, you are! I just... I'm not sure that kind of thing is for me."

"What, gettin' laid?"

"Hey!"

"Kidding, kiddo," she giggled, finally really looking at me like she used to before this stress. "And I get that, it makes sense. I freaked, too."

"Can you... wait for me?"

"Hmm?"

Fuzzy socks were soaking up coffee as I stood in the middle of a brown puddle, fidgeting with my thumbnail. "You said we can be friends. You also said you love me, and that I could love you back if I actually was in love and not faking it."

"W-well, I didn't exactly say-"

"So... so I don't know yet. Can you wait until I figure it out?"

Veins were popping out on her head. "Babsy, I- I don't- you shouldn't even be in this position. You should be marrying your dream beau by now, being hauled over the threshold and gearin' up to pop out a few babies."

"Babies?!" I gasped, reeling at the idea. Harley laughed. "No, no, maybe I should hook up with you to avoid that idea."

"What?" She blinked at me. "Y... you don't want any kids?"

"Not really." I scratched at my arm. "Or maybe someday, a little further down the road when I'm in a more mothering state of mind, but... but not anytime soon, that's for sure. Why, do you?"

"You know I do," she said shyly, looking down into her coffee mug. "Kinda tried to adopt a Robin once upon a time."

"Oh, yeah," I muttered. "Been trying to forget about that."

"But it sounds nice, I think... pitter-patter of li'l feet. Changing diapers is no picnic, but I practically did that to you last n-"

"Stop it, that's not funny!" She was still laughing when I restated my proposition. "So... can you wait?"

"I..." Teeth sank into her bottom lip. "Yeah, okay. I... I'm gonna have to apologise in advance if I kind of accidentally... go too far, or say somethin' weird or lesbo-ish once in a while, but- but I can. I'll wait."

"Thank you." A lump worked its way into my throat. "Also, is it still permissible to hug you, because all this is more than a little painful and I'm starting to-"

Her arms were already around me, moving up and down my back. It was a real bear hug, her knuckles pressing into my flesh, trying to shatter me to pieces. "Babsy, no matter what, you can always ask for one o' these. I owe you my life and all."

"Well, I th-think we're even, now," I blubbered into her shoulder. "I helped you keep it moving forward, and now I'm asking you to hit pause. Even trade, right?"

"Don't be dumb; I'm not keepin' score."

"That's good news for me, because from where I'm sitting, you'd have all the points. God, Harley, I'm so lucky to know you, I can't believe you're willing to do this for me!"

The waver in her voice was very slight, but I caught it. "Anything for you, mi amiga."

END SESSION