Chapter Eleven: Entries 430-471

Entry Four Hundred Thirty—

"Sir, we've located Joey Wheeler."

Ah, what a crappy start to an even I-Am-Sensing-Using-My-Abilities-Which-Allow-Me-To-Distinguish-Crappiness crappier day.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-one—

So, Muto, we know where your little minion is, but guess what? I'm not going to tell you…

"And where is that, Kaiba?"

…until you duel me. Will you listen, FOR ONCE? Hell, just because you're the main freaking character…

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-two—

Oh, so you're getting tired of my so-called "Duel me, duel me" speech?

…

Well, I'm getting a wee bit tired of hearing you bitch about your friends. You sound like Gardner on permanent PMS—which, if I may add, seems to be on an almost daily basis, considering how much she hates me.

…

Which, if I may also add, I am totally one hundred percent okay with.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-three—

"Kaiba, why is it so hard for you to take 'no' as an answer? I'll duel you right after I secure the well-being of my friends."

Why, you ask?

…

Because I'm rich, so I've got the power. The word no isn't in my dictionary.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-four—

Unless when it's about having sex with Pegasus or something, you know? That's when I draw the line.

But that, of course, is a journey for another day.

…

AjourneythatIdon'tparticularlywanttomake.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-five—

Okay, here is where Wheeler is supposed to be. Happy?

"I don't see him."

You're never satisfied, are you?

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-six—

Listen, if you think something's wrong with MY satellite system, you're tripping.

Rly. Srsly.

"…"

STFU!

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-seven—

(insert throat clearing here)

Ahem…

Let's pretend that ordeal never happened, shall we?

"Agreed."

…

Yeah, that'll DEFINITELY be edited out in the dub.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-eight—

As I was saying, your friends are around here.

Somewhere.

Someplace.

Wherever.

…

Just take a look around, damn it.

Entry Four Hundred Thirty-nine—

OH GOOD.

The attention hog, left. I hope he gets kidnapped.

Entry Four Hundred Forty—

While I wait for possible cries of distress from Muto so I can point and laugh, I'm just going to casually lean against this pole.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-one—

WAIT.

WTFMFH?
(That's a mouthful.)

I shouldn't be leaning against this pole! It looks far too suggestive!

Entry Four Hundred Forty-two—

Especially with, you know, these leather pants.

…

'Makes me look like a boy toy.

…

Only Davey Havok can pull this off!

Entry Four Hundred Forty-three—

Omfg. This reminds me of those fan fictions where I am always the friggin' uke koi. I mean ME, Seto Kaiba, the pinnacle of manliness, the UKE KOI?

See, this is why I object to those ridiculous yaoi pairings that pair me up with like…Pegasus, that British kid Bakura's dark side, Pegasus…did I mention Pegasus?—

"…Kaiba, just who are you talking to?"

Oh, yeah, this bitch here, too. And he's like half my size!

…

In more than one way, if you catch my drift.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-four—

"Erm, Kaiba—?"

Don't get me WRONG, though. It's not like I support the pairings when I'm the flipping seme, either.

It's just…come on!

WHY ME?

Entry Four Hundred Forty-five—

By the way, that question isn't open for answering.

Sorry, girls/boys.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-six—

"Kaiba!"

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

"…I couldn't find my friends."

What do I look like, The Infamous Genie from Agrabah or something?

Entry Four Hundred Forty-seven—

"No, but this just proves your satellite system…sucks."

…

And this is where I pull off the trench coat and beat the living shit out of this mutated porcupine.

Hell yeah, bitch. Hell yeah.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-eight—

Snicker.

Heh. What's with the midget? He's shorter than Muto.

Entry Four Hundred Forty-nine—

Holy CRAP, did he just do this mega twirl/spin thing on the pole?

…

Why wasn't HE born female?

…

Off-Subject Note: No offense was to be meant by that. If it did offend, please except my sincerest apologies, and note that you will be getting a card in the mail with an autographed, photo-copied picture of yours truly.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty—

…

What's with all this WIND?

This isn't some cheap, crappy, crappy-ass music video! I was on the verge of putting the King of Games here out of his misery permanently until this miniature male pole dancer did some flashy move and landed in front of us!

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-one—

…

…

…

MOKUBA?

…

…

Oh, for the love of hell, did you get kidnapped AGAIN?

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-two—

"Big brother, save me!"

I'm getting reeeally tired of saving you, but for the sake of doing what big brother's do best:

Unhand my brother, fool, or I'll crush you with the entire weight of the Kaiba Corporation!

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-three—

"Pfft. Why don't you just crush him with your over-inflated ego?"

Screw off, Muto. You're just glad that I didn't get a chance to beat you to a pulp.

Next time you won't be so lucky.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-four—

…

So now I've gotta team up with my archrival to defeat these so-called Rare Hunters that have been dispatched via some psychopath named Marik to get my brother back?

…

Wow, this isn't predictable or unsurprising in the slightest.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-five—

Enough with the empty threats, Yugi. FYI, they aren't intimidating.

"And I suppose yours are?"

'Course they are. I've got money to back 'em up.

"…"

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-six—

OKAY, so we're here, on the glass roof of some skyscraper where we're completely at the mercy of these Rare Hunters.
…

This was such an obvious trap.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-seven—

I demand that you hand over the hostages!

"Like hell we will."

"Yeah, you'll have to duel us."

Damn.

"Kaiba, did you actually believe that was going to work?"

Listen, cliché plot lines call for cliché measures, Muto.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-eight—

"I am Lumis."

"And I am Umbra."

Right.

I am Seto Kaiba, and this midget standing on my right is called Yugi Muto. Enough with the small talk.

Entry Four Hundred Fifty-nine—

"These are the same men that we dueled before!"

"…we dueled before?"

Isn't something wrong with your choice of words there, dude? Sorry to burst your bubble, but I was the one that dueled them…

…andcrushedthemwithObelisk.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty—

And by the way:

WHO CARES.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-one—

"You should care, Kaiba."

Oh?

…

I suppose if I don't ask why, they're going to go on and tirade about why I should care even though I don't give a flying crap. So, might as well play along and keep Dumb and Dumber-er happy, right?

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-two—

SO, with that in mind…

Why should I care, oh Rare Hunters?

"This is going to be amusing."

For once, Muto, I agree with you.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-three—

Let me see if I can get the gist of what you're saying:

What we're actually standing on is not a roof, it's a fifty-story light shaft that reaches the ground—

"No, not exactly."

Then what the hell was it that you were bitching about like…2.58 seconds ago?

"Well, if you would just let us finish…"

Gladly, if you would just GET TO THE POINT.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-four—

Oh.

…

So this isn't a light shaft at all. If someone's life points reach zero, the explosive glass beneath the player will shatter, thus sending him plummeting down a vortex into the dreaded "Shadow Realm."

…

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-five—

In other words…

The usual crap, huh? Couldn't have gotten any more original? How about beheading us, putting our heads on a tree stump or somewhere else…woodsy…and then eating out our lifeless cheeks as they slowly grow more and more pale?

"…Kaiba, are you…well?"

Yes, Muto, I'm fine. I just watched Hannibal Rising last night, and well…you piece together the rest.

…

Emphasis on piece.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-six—

No, I really don't care if that was a lame punch line. Can't you tell by the expressionlessnessism on my face?

"You really need to get another facial expression."

Why dispose of something that works so well?

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-seven—

…

So, in essence, my life, the life of my brother AND my God Card are at stake?

That gives me all the more incentive to win. No one touches my God Card.

NO ONE.

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-eight—

"Don't you mean the life of your brother?"

—Huh?

Oh.

Him, too!

"…"

Entry Four Hundred Sixty-nine—

It's been only one turn and already Thelma & Louise have a monster on the field that has 2600 attack points?

…

But ha, they have to give up 1000 life points each turn—

…

Masked Doll? That card cancels out the cost of using the deformed mask thingy?

…

Oh, but Muto loses 500 life points?

…

Woo-hoo!

Entry Four Hundred Seventy—

"Kaiba, you do realize that me losing 500 life points also affects you, right?"

Why does it affect me? My life points are safe, sucker!

"Because this duel is two-on-two, you and I must work together and play off one another's strengths!"

If you weren't paying attention, the last time we dueled these bozos, I mopped the floor with 'em.

And I can do it again.

Entry Four Hundred Seventy-one—

"Keep in mind that I am the King of Games. Without me—"

What the hell are you bitching about? Aren't you supposed to be goody-goody two shoes because you were some alleged "pharaoh" in the past? What ever happened to chivalry and modesty?

Watch, the dub is gonna replace all that—replace that entire statement—with some stuff about the "fate of the world" depending upon his victory in this duel, and that he and I "have to work together."

…

How susceptible do they think we are?

weiveraevael!

Leaveareview!

(And three cheers to Davey and his tight pants. He rocks my polka-dotted socks off.)