Author's Notes: Still don't own BTR. Sob Sob.

James was surprised at himself. Christmas had never been his happiest time of the year, especially when his mom was absent, of course, he had loved the gifts, but it wasn't the same, just seeing his mom for a brief moment and then having to spend the day alone.

When he was 13, Mrs. Knight had taken him in and he had spent every Christmas since with the Knights, it wasn't perfect, but it was a nice time, and he loved how much the woman seemed to care for her children, even the ones who weren't actually he own. He had a lot of good memories from his Christmases with the Knights, but he still wished his mom had made more effort to be around for him.

This year though, he was spending it alone, and in the dark. He just couldn't bring himself to celebrate a feeling of togetherness on this day. He was alone, and Christmas only reminded him of that fact. He sighed and clicked over to his Pandora on his laptop, jumping slightly when it started playing Christmas music.

He debated throwing the computer across the room in anger, but just resigned himself to it and shoved it to his right, getting up to go to his kitchen and fix himself something to eat. He sighed as he made a sandwich, pausing and swallowing thickly and banging his hand against the counter and letting the knife he was holding clatter to the floor.

He gasped shallowly and leaned against the counter, swallowing again and blinking around his watering eyes. "I won't cry. I won't cry." He said out loud too himself, bending to pick up his knife and forcing some semblance of composure onto his face as he finished making the sandwich.

He went back into the living room with his plate and sat back down on his couch, biting into the sandwich slowly, looking distraught. His apartment was bare of any decoration, and he liked it that way, somehow, sitting alone in the dark was making him feel a little better.

He gasped a second later as a song he instantly recognized came on.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away

This year to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy

I keep my distance but you still catch my eye

Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?

Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

Merry Christmas, I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying, "I love you", I meant it

Now I know what a fool I've been

But if you kissed me now I know you'd fool me again

This time he couldn't hold the tears back, and he dropped his plate roughly, the ceramic barely surviving the impact with hardwood flooring.

The sandwich was not so lucky, but James was past the point of noticing, much less caring. He whimpered a little as his tears fell, rolling himself into a ball and sobbing against his knees on the expensive leather couch.

"F-fuck..." He gasped out, remembering this day last year, where he had thought it was all so perfect. The song continued to play, and he practically screamed about how ironic it was that the song fit so well.

"K-Kendall." He didn't even realize he was speaking out loud, but his thoughts were heading southward to his blonde boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend. They had gotten together with little to do, but James had fallen hard and fast for the other boy. He had told Kendall that he loved him, and in fact bought him a sophisticated (manly even) promise ring. "I loved you so much..." He was still talking out loud to himself, but not really aware of it.

Kendall had accepted the gift graciously, he was even happy about it. Or so James had thought. He must have done something wrong though, because Kendall had broken up with him, nearly violently, the next day.

He took a shuddering breath and felt more tears falling.

Ending Notes: My brain is made of angst. Lololol