A/N I'm sorry it's taken this long, but I had to re-write this one a couple of times untill I was happy with it. Thank you all for the reviews and support. I've hit 100 reviews for the first time! You're all amazing. Once again a warning for those who've missed it the first time: this will 99% sure be Ziva/Tony.

"DiNozzo came by," Gibbs mentioned once Ziva had calmed down. They were sitting on the porch, bathing in the light of the old lamp.

Ziva looked up from her shoes. "What did he say?" she wondered out loud. Her hand clenched around the letter.

"Told me you were in danger," he said casually. The look he threw her way was the opposite, though. He wanted an explanation.

Ziva sighed, resigned. With everything that was happening, she owed him the truth. "Do you want the long version, or the short one?" she asked. His gaze told her all she needed to know.

"I was going to resign from Mossad." She looked back at her shoes. "Not because I hated killing or the life. I am a soldier, I was raised to like it," Ziva began. Gibss raised an eyebrow at the confession.

"I wanted a family," her eyes spaced out, as if she was miles away, "To settle down and find someone who I wanted to spent the rest of my life with. A little boy or girl, and a cat, I always wanted a cat." She grinned at the idea, then sighed.

"But when you're the daughter of the director you don't just hand in your resignation. So I took all I could get. I went overseas to establish contacts and find out what freedom was like. I explored the cities I was sent to and made allies. It paid off in the end when I got to Cairo."

Gibbs had a feeling where this was going and has to ask. "Jenny?" He alredy knew he was right before she confirmed it.

"Yes," Ziva smiled. "I saved her life and she became my friend. I did not have many, so she was very special."

That she was. Gibbs knew that Jenny had changed and that he had treated her unfairly as director. When she was still a probie she had the curiosity and instinct of a good agent.

Jen just didn't do well with power. The chair upsairs had engorged her ego to the point where that instinct and curiosity had been overpowered and useless. Nevertheless, she had been special.

"That was when the kill-order on Ari was activated." That brought up memories for the both of them. A shot going off, Ari bleeding, Ziva softly singing.

"I took the job. I needed to know if it was true, If he was truly a traitor, but I waited too long, and Kate died because of it."

Gibbs wanted to correct her. He wanted to say that it wasn't her fault, but the words died on his tongue. He did blame her on a level. The alcohol had made him say it out loud in her presence, something he never would've done while sober.

If Ziva hadn't accepted the job, but let someone else take the terrorist out, Kate would have survived that day. Any other assassin would've killed Ari as soon as their plane touched down in DC, but Ziva had waited. She had wanted proof, and had let Ari kill Kate. He couldn't make himself forgive her.

She had done a lot to earn his forgiveness, but something like that just couldn't be forgiven or forgotten. He had killed Shannon's murderer, but not Kate's. Ziva was just too important, too precious to him.

But had he known that everything she did had been an order, he would've been tempted to do the same to her. He knew her to well now, loved her just as much as he'd once loved Kelly, but back then he didn't know her, and he had been able to do anything to get revenge for Kate.

He knew that the logic was twisted, but he couldn't let it go. If Ziva had taken the shot back then, Ari would be dead and Kate would be alive.

Ziva knew that no forgiveness was forthcoming, so she moved on. "Jenny, knowing that I wanted out, offered me a liason position at NCIS, working with you. I grabbed my chance." Ziva stood and leant again the wood. Restless.

"I got away and I had a home again. I was no longer a nomad, moving around the world following my targets. I was safe." Her smile was dark and her laugh hollow.

"But everything comes with a price. I had to play loyalty's game." Gibbs shot her a look that told her to explain. She did.

"My father always had to know that I was loyal to him. That was no problem at first, and I never thought it would become one. I had not gotten to know you yet."

A look passed between them. Trust, loyalty.

"Rivkin was his insurance policy," Gibbs concluded.

"He was. I had to choose him over NCIS, but I knew my father. I figured out what his plan was very soon." She looked proud of herself. It had been the skills Gibbs taught her that enabled her to figure it out in time.

"I kept Michael close and everything was going according to plan until Tony showed up." She rolled her eyes, obviously still not over it.

"I made a mistake and fell for Michael like Tony fell for Jeanne. Tony recognized what I had done and came to warn me before I left with Michael. Not that I was planning to."

Gibbs, who hadn't even considered that kept silent.

"It was too late, though." She paused, considering not telling the complete truth, but discarded the thought. "I was pregnant, Gibbs."

The man watched as her already red eyes watered again.

"My father asked for my loyalty when we got to Israel. He asked me directly." She looked at him again, trying to bring the severity of the situation to his attention. "I couldn't risk the baby."

Her eyes asked him to understand. He did. There was nothing in the world he wouldn't do for his own child. His choice to leave Ziva there may have saved her life.

NCIS and Mossad had a tentative truce at best. If Ziva was loyal to NCIS, armed with many of Mossad's secrets, she couldn't be allowed to live. That was what Tony meant.

"And the kid?" he asked as he looked at her flat stomach.

"I could not tell him. I do not know why not, but he could not know about her." She touched her stomach, as if the baby she was talking about was still protected in her womb.

"When I was captured I told Saleem and he left me alone. He made sure I was fed and had enough water, but three days before you arrived I lost her anyway. They started torturing me again."

Her knees gave out, losing the strenght to hold her up as she did everything she could to avoid letting the tears fall. She allowed Gibbs to catch her and keep her close in his protective embrace.

"I wanted to die, Gibbs. You were gone, my father no longer considered me his daughter, and I never held my baby."

Gibbs' stomach flipped over and he swallowed to keep himself from throwing up. He could imagine Ziva as she came home after they killed Saleem, defeated and insecure. She had been through all of that alone.

Her breathing got steadier as she leaned on his shoulder, drawing the arm wrapped around her shoulder closer. "All of you tried so hard to get me back, and being around you helped a lot. It was so easy to hide it all and never speak about it again."

He hadn't even noticed. She'd looked so healthy and energetic when she came back to work, as if nothing had changed, but she'd been pretending.

"I just needed everything to be normal, but then Tony left because of me."

Gibbs frowned and looked at her. She leaned away, unused to hugs and back in control of her actions. He was pretty sure that Ziva wasn't responsible for DiNozzo's resignation.

She waved the letter Tony had written in front of her and Gibbs, already knowing the thing by heart.

I have known that I was going to leave for a very long time, but I just needed one thing, and that was an apology. It didn't matter from whom, I just wanted someone to recognize that I have always been there every step of the way. And you did.

A/N Still not happy, but it is better than the previous versions. I sill can't believe that I got a hundred reviews and alerts, Wow!