Sorry it's a little late; had a big night last night and only just got home so here is the new chapter.

I am so glad you are all on board with this and now that Antonio is around but please, please trust me about Matt. I know you want him to know and to find out but please, trust me

Enjoy!

Chapter 11 – Gabby Loved the Sun on her Skin

"Antonio…" Voight sighed, trying to calm him down a little, knowing that he was going to start going off before he had a chance to understand the situation. "Look I understand you are frustrated but you need to listen to me ok…I need you to calm down aright…"

But Antonio wasn't having any of it, "I will not calm down Voight! I have been through every scenario and I just don't understand what the hell is going on! I went past Gabby's apartment again…she hasn't been in over a week. What the hell is going on?" He had taken a step into the house, fronting up to Voight, trying to get some answers.

"I already told you-"

"I don't care what you already told me! You are going to tell me the truth right now!" He was exploding, his voice echoing through the otherwise silent house. His cries caused Gabby, who was still on the couch, to cry out in fear, the sudden loud noises bringing back feelings of fear for her.

Along with Gabby's cries of fear was the soft call for him, begging him to calm down and letting him know she was there all in one. She had had enough of hearing him yell, he was scaring her and she could hear the fear and worry and anger in his own voice at not knowing where she was. Antonio stopped, his whole body freezing at the sound of her voice, the realisation that she was there, in Voight's house and he didn't even know it, taking over.

Antonio's anger flared when he heard Gabby's soft whimper attempt to call for him. He stopped for a moment as he heard her voice again; his eyes connecting to Voight's before he stormed passed Voight towards the living room or just where he knew Gabby was, his shoulder harshly brushing against Voight's, he stomped towards the Gabby, Voight on his tail, "Antonio…Antonio," Voight reached for him, trying to pull him back.

Voight was able to get ahead of Antonio as he made his way into the living room, his hands on his chest, holding him back. Antonio was like a pit-bull pulling on his lead, Voight had to almost fight to hold him back. "Tonio…" But Antonio wasn't listening, his eyes focussed solely on Gabby curled up in the corner of the couch, the bruising over her eye had deepened, it still had spread down her cheek towards her jaw bone but it was now much darker, a deep black lined by deep blue.

Her lip was still red, mostly from her unconscious running of he tongue across it, a habit she had gotten into, something of a reminder that what had happened was real, a reminded she wished she didn't have. Antonio could see the fear in his sister's eyes, but he couldn't take his focus off the bruising that filtered over her beck and down under the hoodie she was wearing, they were still red and angry, he didn't want to see what was under the top. "Antonio, she is alright." Voight moved away from Antonio, his hand still on his chest but there was no fight left in him.

Silently, Voight took another step away from Antonio, his hand dropping for his chest slowly, making sure that he wouldn't charge at Gabby just yet. He moved towards Gabby, sitting on the coffee table in front of her, "Hey…it's alright…You sure you want to do this?" He was making sure Gabby was ready for this conversation with Antonio. He watched her shake, her hands sliding under the blanket to hide it but she nodded, she still hadn't looked up at Voight or Antonio.

Slowly, Voight turned to Antonio, nodding slowly, motioning for Antonio to come to where he was sitting. Which he did, looking right at her, Antonio's detective knowledge kicked in, telling him he had to be slow and careful, even though the brother in him wanted to run to her, pull her into his arms and hold her tightly. He knew he couldn't do that, the look in her eyes and the fear on her face screaming at him that he needed to be careful.

Antonio hesitated for a minute, he wanted to reach out for her, wanted to reach out for her, wanted to hold her hand by she was essentially pushing herself as far away from him as possible into the back of the couch, her eyes downcast, refusing to look at her. Swallowing a couple of times, Antonio glanced up to Voight, who was now leaning against the side wall near the fireplace, arms crossed, making sure that Gabby was alright, he stayed close. He felt sick, this was his little sister, who could anyone have done this to her, he had no idea but it was making him feel sick.

His eyes turning back to Gabby, Antonio thought for a moment, wondering how to even begin to speak to speak to her, "H-how are you?" It was a vague question, something that told them both that Antonio was lost, not sure what to do or how to even approach her. Usually in this situation with a victim, he would be professional and focussed but it was his baby sister sitting there, hurt and fearful, how could he hold that up with his imagination running wild?

Gabby shrugged, swallowing heavily, "I'm alright, I guess. Tired more than anything at the moment." It was true, she hadn't been sleeping well at all and when she did, she would either wake up in a fit or shakes or in a cold sweat, crying out with Voight by her side, trying to calm her down. "I don't remember much, some of it has come back to me...I was at home, I thought it was Matt at my door, but it wasn't. I remember trying to push the door closed but I fell backwards. I think I ran, I remember fighting, screaming," Voight knew all this, she had told him all of this before.

Occasionally she would come to him and tell him that she remembered something but most of the time it wasn't anything specific, still just fragments, flashes or memories that sparked in her mind like a scratched DVD, skipping from scene to scene. "He spoke..." This caught Voight's attention, she had never told him that before. "I remember his saying 'this is what you get' when he was—When he was on top of me…" she swallowed deeply not really wanting to say it out loud, she hoped Antonio got the idea.

This was the first time she had said it out loud though, that he had been on top of her…an extension of 'inside of me' but she wouldn't say those words. She couldn't say those words.

Voight moved forward, "You remember that he spoke? Do you remember anything else?" He didn't mean to be forceful or scare her but he needed to know if she remembered anything, he had been struggling to investigate just because there hadn't been much information. Gabby thought for a moment before just shaking her head, she had been trying to remember but she either couldn't because she didn't want or because she couldn't physically remember anything yet.

"No, nothing else. I don't even know if I passed out though or if I just can't remember. He was stronger than me, I fought back, I know I did. I hit him, he fell...I ran... It's all still a blur." She had been getting bit and pieces; flashes of rooms or movement but nothing concrete, she had an idea of what he had done to her, she didn't need to remember that, didn't want to remember that. Antonio swallowed deeply, he hadn't really moved from where he was, staring at Gabby, his hands shaking with anger, fear and the desire to reach out to her.

"Gabby..." He really didn't know what to say, his eyes were shining with anger. He just shook his head, watching as she slowly and for the first time, raised her eyes to him. The full force of what had happened to her moving between them, their sibling silence speaking more than what she could. How could someone have done this to his sister? How could he have not known something had happened to her? He should have known, he should have known something had happened to her, that she wasn't right…he should have been the first one she came to for help.

"I don't look that bad do I?" She laughed a dry, drawn out laugh, nothing numerous about her statement. Antonio just smiled; it was tight, showing that he was trying to go along with her, but not really finding any amusement in her statement. "It doesn't hurt to much anymore really. I mean my ribs still hurt but mostly it's alright now." Although she would never tell him that she still hurt when she went to the toilet or when she moved her legs too quickly.

She would never tell him that.

Antonio nodded slowly, wondering what to say next, what do you say? Instead he moved slowly to take Voight's place on the coffee table across from her, hoping that he would be able to get as close to her as he possibly could without freaking her out too much. He watched as she shook a little, her eyes downcast but she didn't protest at having him close to her, she was fighting the urge to cry out but she held it back, tears brimming her eyes as she realised that he now knew what had happened to her.

Gabby couldn't bring herself to look at him; she didn't want to see that look in his eyes, the same look that Voight was trying to hide every time he looked at her. It was the same look she knew that Antonio wouldn't be able to hold back, the look of sadness and of pity.

They sat in silence, just trying to understand what was happening, what was going on and how this could have happened. Although it wasn't like that was going to happen but they just all felt that talking was not needed, what could you really say? After a while, Gabby slipped into a thankfully dreamless sleep, her tiredness taking over, her eyes slipping closed and her breath evening out in little puffs from her open mouth. She was still curled into the corner of the couch, her head resting on her hand, the blanket wrapped around her body.

Voight placed his hand on Antonio's shoulder, motioning with his head to follow him to the other room, wanting to speak to him and let Gabby rest while she had the chance. His whole body was shaking at the thought of what had happened to her, he just didn't know what to do, the anger and terror running through his body was unbearable.

Antonio stood in the kitchen, Gabby had long since fallen asleep on the couch, the mental exhaustion taking over after her conversation with him, he sat at the breakfast bar, his hands clasped in front of him, Voight leaning against the counter, just watching him. "So…she has been here ever since?" He was still trying to get his head around what Gabby had told him, everything she had told him. Voight just nodded. "How? What? I don't…I don't even know what to think right now."

Antonio was lost, he felt like a child, not able to help those around him, feeling as though he failed his sister some how. "She called me during the night about a week ago, I found her sitting on her couch, the place was a mess; she didn't need to tell me what happened, I could tell." Voight sighed, "She begged me not to tell you Tonio, I have been trying to get her to tell you and Matt but she wont. It's going to take a while Antonio. She needs you to be strong for her though, even if she tries to push you away." It was now Antonio's turn to nod.

Matt? Oh Matt, he was going to be devastated if she told him, he loves her so much that it is killing him knowing that something is happening and he doesn't know what. Seeing him at the firehouse was enough to tell him that Matt was not coping very well at all without Gabby being there. But was something else entirely, "This is what has had you so distracted recently? What you've been investigating?"

"Yes. I have been trying to work out what happened but it's been hard. The DNA I got from Gabby doesn't match anyone in the system and she doesn't really remember much. I mean, she remembers certain things but not enough to get a full description just yet, I am hoping though that she will remember something soon, at least something little that might give me what I need." Voight had been working every single angle he could with the little information he had to try and work out who it was that had attacked Gabby in her apartment.

"Do you have any ideas?" Voight just shook his head; he hated not being able to give Antonio, or Gabby for that matter, any new information about how the investigation was going. He wanted to be able to give her some good news, that he had found the person who had attacked her and bringing him to justice, but he couldn't and he left like he was failing her.

"I followed up on some leads but nothing panned out really. A couple of people have harassed her while she was on shift, just getting too close or friendly but they all had solid alibies and no real reason to have done something like this." It was like Voight was chasing his tail but he wouldn't stop, she would remember something…as horrible as it would be…and it would give him what he needed to get a break.

Antonio thought for a moment, it couldn't have been random; it just felt to organised to be random. "What about Jeremy? Our sister's abusive ex. Gabby did help her leave him." It had to be him…who else would have a problem with Gabby, although he never thought anyone would go to those extremes but at the same time he never really understood what went through people's minds.

Voight sighed, "I asked her that, she said that he had approached her at the firehouse a few weeks before she was attacked, asking where Anna was but she also said the last time she heard of him, he was in New York. I am following that up as well though, he is at the top of the list but I haven't found anything yet, so far he is clean…other than the abuse of Anna. Don't worry Antonio, I will find this son of a bitch and I will make him wish he had never even given Gabby a second thought."

He moved over to Antonio's side, seeing that his best detective was fighting the urge to break something, the thought of someone hurting his sister was tearing him apart, his hands were shaking, his face red with anger, he was ready to kill someone.

Antonio hadn't moved from his spot at the bar, elbows resting on the bench, breathing even and very specific, his hands resting over his nose and mouth almost in a prayer motion, his eyes trained only on the floor in front of him. He waited, wanting to ask the question that was running around in his mind since seeing Gabby, something that he really didn't need to know the answer to but he felt as though he needed it to be said. "How bad is it?"

Voight rubbed his hand over his face, "Bad. She had has a couple of fractured ribs, a sprained wrist, the cut on her cheek, lip and her forehead which you can see. The black eye and bruising on her face. She also has lots of bruising on her body, her stomach, legs, back and arms. It was violent Tonio…he raped her. There was significant trauma from that as well. I had Kendra come and see her after she called me, she has been checked out."

Antonio just nodded; he felt the pain inside of him growing with each word that Voight said, each injury that he explained, he honestly didn't know how to handle this, didn't know how to handle the knowledge that his baby sister was going through something no one should ever have to go through…and he couldn't even help her because he didn't know how.

"Have you been sleeping more?" The councillor watched as Gabby paced back and forward in the office, finding a comfortable place by the window, her arms crossed over her chest, she shook her head. Today hadn't been a great session, she hadn't really said much about anything really, her lack of sleep and flashback were affecting her attitudes, "Ok, well we have been doing this for over a week now Gabby, you ask me after every session why I haven't asked you about what happened…what do you say we talk about what happened?"

It was true, each session she asked him about why he hadn't asked her about the attack and each time he just said she wasn't ready or that he wanted to give her more time but she was pulling back from him, finding the sessions pointless so he would have to approach things a little differently. "Look, everything I was taught tells me that I should let you open up to me slowly, that pushing you after an ordeal as you have been through…"

She turned to him, wondering where he was going with this, she knew that most people shied away from asking about what happened, they had been tiptoeing around her, not that she really spent time with many people but those she did see, she could tell that they were staring at the bruising and the cuts, feeling awkward around her.

"Look…people who have gone through unfair, horrific things, they have this will, when they have support and a chance, they not only survive, they thrive. Usually I wouldn't push but I know as a first responder you deal with more things than most people, I know how you all try to push back the emotions you feel because you have to move on and get back to work but this isn't work Gabby; you don't have to fight against your feelings, even if you don't remember…it can help to accept the feelings."

The councillor watched as Gabby thought for a moment, debating what to say or do next, she knew that talk about things like this helped, she wasn't stupid, she had been through all the classes and the sexual assault sessions through the CFD, she knew she should talk, that it would help. She had been thinking about it over the last few days, thinking about talking to him about what had happened.

Nodding she moved back to the couch, sitting down slowly, instinctively in the corner of the couch, her legs pulled underneath her. She swallowed deeply, "Ok…" She had always prided herself on being strong and holding herself high but she had been struggling for the last two weeks, she had shut herself off from the world, too scared to look in the mirror or sleep with the light off, she didn't like the person she was becoming but she didn't know how to stop it from happening.

She felt it easier to hide away then to face it all.

"Can you tell me what you do remember?" he sat back, being patient with her.

Closing her eyes, Gabby thought for a moment, "I remember going to bed, there was a knock at the door, I thought it was Matt…when I looked through the hole; it looked like Matt so I opened the door…" She scrunched up her face, trying to remember what happened next, she had tried in the past but this was the first time she felt comfortable enough to really, really try. "He ah… I remember falling backwards, I hit the floor, he must have pushed his way through the door…" With her eyes still closed, Gabby shuddered, remembering the terror that filled her as she pushed herself up from the ground, struggling to move over the carpet under her feat as she tried to get to the bedroom.

"He grabbed me, pushed me against the wall. He had his chest against my back, I tried to push him off me but I was against the wall, he had his arm against my neck, he…" She blinked, she remembering how much she struggled to breathe, how she fought. "I must have hit him, I'm not too sure really, but I was off the wall and I was…I think I was in the bedroom, he had me by the ankle, I think I hit my head against the dresser as he grabbed me."

Slowly she brushed her hand over her forehead, gently touching the gash on her forehead, caused by the dresser that she crashed into. The councillor nodded, he could tell there was so much in between that she still didn't remember. "Has the bruising gone down?" Gabby's eyes shot up to look at him, blinking away the tears.

Gabby looked down at her legs as she rested on the hospital bed, the nurse sitting by her bedside, an act of kindness that Gabby was sure was more so she wouldn't break down in tears more than anything. She had started picking at the short material of her hospital gown, trying to pull it down over her thighs, her face scrunching at the sight of the large, angry, purple and black bruising on both of her thighs. "How…"

Looking at them, she honestly couldn't think how those bruises were made, she wanted to have an understanding of what he did to her, most of her injuries she would work out herself but these bruises she couldn't. The nurse leaned forward, her voice soft, "Those are from where he knelt on your legs…to hold you down, to make sure you couldn't move." The nurse that was there, Gabby couldn't tell you her name to save her life, had been in this situation before, she had had experience being in the room with victims of sexual abuse, that was why she had been asked to stay.

She knew what sorts of things to say to the person, knew when to just sooth or to let them cry or when to answer the questions that they were asking or what they were really asking, even if they didn't know it. Gabby just nodded swallowing as that image came into her mind, not that she remembered at all but those words were enough to filter images through her mind.

"I've seen those injuries before…" the nurse spoke again; causing Gabby to look up confused, not sure what she was talking about. The nurse nodded down at her hands, turning them palm up to see the cuts and bruises and then palms down to see the broken nails and bloody residue on them. "You fought back love. Put up a hell of a fight by the look of it." She was calming Gabby down, telling her that she had fought, but Gabby didn't remember it, she didn't feel like she had fought at all.

Gabby snapped out of her memory, blinking away the tears and the memory of being in that hospital. "Ah yea…the ones on my legs have faded, mostly yellow, the ones on my wrists are still there…my ribs as well as my face obviously are still there. Doc said some will take longer to disappear." She shrugged; Gabby was putting on the brave Dawson face she had learned to wear. "Doc said my ribs are healing well as well, that I should be ready to get back to work…physically at least…next week."

Ah work. That was something that they had not discussed, not even with Voight had Gabby talked about work. This caught the attention of the councillor, "Oh yeah? Is work something you want to get back to?" She had never even mentioned the firehouse recently.

"I guess, I mean…I need something to help me take my mind off it all. I need to do something, I feel like I'm going crazy in the house all day. My brother has come past almost everyday since he found out something had happened to me, I just feel like I need to start doing something again, ya know?" She shrugged, she had been thinking about going back to work, wondering how long she could be off before she got too closed off from everyone.

It wasn't even that she felt ready to go back to work or that she felt ready to be around other people, it was just that all the time she spent sitting in the closed up bedroom or the living room, being in her own mind was becoming too much for her. She needed the distraction.

"Ok, well I guess that is something we can discuss next session if you like…right now I want to talk about your brother." Gabby nodded, "How was it telling him about what happened? Last time we spoke about your brother you refused to even speak to him, let alone tell him." Gabby had flat out refused to even entertain the idea of Antonio finding out when she was asked it the first time around, he was curious about what had changed.

Gabby laughed a little, "I didn't really have a choice, I mean he turned up at Voight's house, looking to start a fight with him, I had to tell him, had to tell him something at least."

The counsellor nodded again, "He looked at me like everyone else had though, with pity and sadness…I think that's what made it so much harder." Gabby had mentioned once before that she didn't want people to look at her with pity because that meant they saw her differently, that what happened to her had somehow changed her, so far, she was right.

"You have to understand, these people care about you Gabby, and it's going to be hard for them not to look at you like that. It's just what people know and what they do. You feel sadness and pity for someone who has been hurt, who has suffered as you have but the that would be better than them not caring at all, right?" Reasoning…a typical counselling move to try and get the person to understand that what they are feeling isn't as bad as it seems.

"I would rather them not care than look at me and only see the pain. It was the same after the accident, when I was in hospital and my sister had left. People looked at me and only saw pain." She was getting frustrated now, she wanted to hate the counsellor, wanted to yell and scream, she knew how she was feeling, she didn't need him to tell her otherwise.

"Ok…ok. I do understand Gabby. What about your sister…have you spoken to her?" he could tell she was getting angry, wanting to move on from that line of questioning or else he would run the risk of getting pushed away completely, although it was something he would be coming back to when he felt she was ready.

"No, I haven't. I mean, she has called me, just like my brother had but she has other things to deal with right now, she wouldn't understand." Always thinking of someone else, ever thinking of herself, Gabby had always been that way.

"Alright, alright. Tell me about your brother? How was it having him find out what happened?"

Gabby shrugged again, she hadn't given much thought into what she was feeling now that Antonio knew, she was choosing to ignore it really, not wanting to focus on it too much because she honestly couldn't bare the any thought about what he was thinking or feeling. "I dunno really. He has been around almost every day but never really said anything about it." She was trying to get him to move past the questioning about Antonio, she was getting frustrated, wanting to change the subject but not too sure she wanted to be asked anything else.

The councillor thought for a moment, trying to gauge where to take this session, she was road blocking, this session wasn't going to get very far if he didn't change his approach. "Tell me…what have you been doing while at home?" She wasn't giving him much, so he was fishing now, trying to get her to open up in some way.

"Not much really, I've been spending most of it watching TV, although I don't really watch much, I like it when it's quiet. I miss the sun though. I don't go outside anymore." She let it slip, she knew he would attach himself onto that statement but she couldn't help but let it slip. She knew he was trying to help, that without him she wouldn't be going back to work but she was still hesitant about telling him anything.

"Why not?" He wanted to hear her reasoning behind not going outside anymore, he knew reasons as to why, he just wanted to get her thoughts on it.

"I can't bring myself to even go in the sun, in the daylight. I remember when I was a kid, the first thing I would do when I got home from school would be get changed and go outside, sit in the sun with a book and a nice cold drink. Even when I was at the firehouse, if there was sun outside, I would take my chair and my food and just sit there. I loved feeling the sun on my face…" She shook her head again, remembering not too long ago when she was sitting outside in the sun at the front of the firehouse, Matt at her side laughing happily.

She remembered watching the guys playing basketball and Matt sitting next to her, feeling his body next to hers, the warmth of having him so close, laughing, smiling—

"Gabby, when something like this happens, it's important to try and take back the things that you feel have been taken from you. I know that it's hard and it feels like that is one of the most impossible things in the world but from what I can tell you are no the sort of person who doesn't sit back and let things take over her life, you strike me like the sort of person who likes to be strong, who is strong."

The councillor watched as she sighed, dropping her head, he really was getting nowhere with her today, she was having a bad day, and that was ok, she was allowed to have a bad day, she had been stronger than he thought throughout all this, she had put up such a strong front but she was bound to break, he expected it happen, it was just a question as to when.

"I don't even know where to start. I can't even look at my life and see what is worth taking back! I can't look at myself in the mirror, I sleep with the lights on, shower with the lights off, I can barely talk to anyone other than Voight and when I do, it's about what happened! I can't look at my brother in the eyes and even the thought of seeing Matt again makes me feel sick!"

Gabby was angry now, her whole body shaking as she exploded, this wasn't what he was waiting for, this wasn't even the worst of what was to come, but he would take what he could get because it meant that she was feeling something other than emptiness.

"I know you are angry Gabby but-"

She snapped, "You are damn right I am angry!"

"I have nightmares even when I am awake, the memory of his hands, his smell, his voice, him inside of me is the only thing that I can think of! How the hell am I supposed to take my life back when I don't even know what was worth getting back in the first place? Damn it!" She huffed, dropping her head into her hands, shaking. He was making it sound like it was so simple; that she felt like it should be so simple.

"I'm not saying it's easy Gabby and I'm not saying it's going to be alright straight away, I just want you to realise that you can do it, you have been doing it. It doesn't feel like it but you have, you come here every couple of days, you have been spending time with Voight, who has told me that you have been letting him get close to you. It's all baby steps; it's never a huge leap. Everything you have been doing is a baby step, even if you don't see it. It will get worse before it gets better."

She didn't see it, she didn't believe it at all, how could she be taking baby steps forward when she all she did was lay in the silence, fear taking over her, what things she did remember constantly come back to her, little bits adding, filling in the gaps. She huffed; rolling her eyes, there was no way she was making progress.

"Ok, this will be it for today but I just want you to say tell me something…I know you've never said it and I want you to. Tell me what he did to you that night…" He felt that if she said it out loud she could start to heal.

She knew what he wanted from her, she knew that she hadn't said it, she just felt as though that if she did it would make it more real, it would make the pain that she felt real.

Swallowing deeply, she looked up her mouth opening and closing gently a few times. It was now or never, she had to take that leap and deal with the fallout rather than hold onto the false hope that what happened wasn't real. "I was raped."

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