I had experienced heartbreak before. I had felt the pain of my heart crumbling to pieces and of my chest caving inwards at my hearts absence. But never had I felt my world crash around me. As if everything was tumbling down and all I could do was watch. Stand, watch, and not be able to do one single thing about what was going on.
Never have I felt like I had lost everything before I had even acquired it. Before I was even given a chance. Before I could even try. And I was certain that Kurt felt the same as he sat beside me, both of us staring at Ms. Pilsbury in shock and utter despair. "What…?" He whispers, the pain killing his voice to just above a whisper. It was a mistake, one silly piece of information that both Kurt and I overlooked upon grazing through colleges for our talent. One piece that was oh so crucial to our future. All I had hoped for was with NYU, every ounce of hard work had gone to that college and it's music program.
It was currently being thrown away and stomped on.
NYU doesn't have a musical theatre program.
It has nothing to do with my bright future and I was now once again years behind looking at another college. I wasn't prepared. The one thing I prided myself on being the entire high school career was prepared. I knew each step I was going to take five steps before I was going to take it. I was not one to be stuck in a rut because I knew everything. I knew what I wanted. But now…now I no longer knew where I was going in life. Over my college goals was a giant question mark.
Exiting the office I felt every inch of my body quiver, lost in the lack of guidance. Kurt's figure breezed past me, I only caught a glimpse of him racing off with a hand clasped over his mouth. He was devastated, and if shock hadn't consumed me, I'd be the same. I'd be falling over, curling in a ball, and forced to admit to everyone they were right. I was talented, but I simply wasn't good enough. I wasn't enough.
My stunned corpse made its way to my locker, wishing I could hide inside it for the remainder of the year. As foolish and childish as it sounded, it was all I could really think to do. Just last night I had panicked about Quinn and her future. Now I was there, without direction. Without a plan.
Tears began to burn their way to my ducts, threatening to fall harder than I'd ever cried at school. Even after doing all I could to prove everyone in this town wrong, even after taking every blow thrown my way, they were all right.
I wasn't good enough.
Pulling out my books, I have half the heart to toss my '5 Year Plan' binder in the trash. It was only a second copy, and with Quinn throwing me off already, it really seemed pointless.
Someone stops me though, clearing their throat softly to gain my attention. My mood only declines at the sight of Finn, his hands tucked deeply in his front pockets, eyes finding the ground. "Kurt just told me. I thought maybe…" his words trail off and ended with a small shrug, his entire demeanor different from what I'd grown so accustomed to.
"If you're here I an attempt to cheer me up then please save your breath. I brought this on myself, mostly for being foolish and not putting the amount of research I should have in this school." Closing my locker (along with my eyes) I step away from the tall boy, making my way down the hall as I fight off tears. I didn't want him to see me cry, I didn't want him to see me vulnerable. I wanted Quinn. Dear God if I could just have Quinn appear now. "If you still find it necessary to comfort someone I suggest you find Kurt, he's probably worse than me at the moment."
"But I'm worried about you."
My body freezes in sheer annoyance and anger, all at myself however it was lashing out in his direction. "You, you who blamed me for your actions against Santana. You who lied about your virginity, who has time and time again failed to defend me even when you knew it was the right thing to do. You are going to stand here and look me in the eye and tell me you're worried about me?" My voice rose with each accusation, and before he even has a chance to respond I'm turning on my heal and storming towards my next class.
My eyes stayed peeled for Quinn, chest tightening to fight the sobs I so desperately wanted to spill. I was losing everything, losing her just wasn't an option. It wasn't even fathomable, not after how whole she made my world.
The rational part of me knew Finn hadn't deserved the onslaught of words I'd thrown at him, but the part of me consumed in anger at myself made it near impossible to see that. It only made me see all he'd done wrong, everything he did that hurt me, everything that held me back and made me fall. It was all infuriating me and my classes weren't helping me much at all.
During each class I found myself looking to each student, remembering a remark they had made, a prank they had pulled, and I was unable to stop myself from thinking it were true, and that those pranks had a rightful place with me. I was shaping up to be a Lima Loser that swore she never would be. I couldn't stop berating myself for not being absolutely thorough. What would I tell my dads'? Or Quinn when I actually found her? I only wanted to find her to cry and not feel so alone. I wanted to be comforted by her without her having to know. Because if she heard how stupid I had been, if she heard that I had failed the way I had…I couldn't imagine what she'd say. I couldn't think about her reaction because I simply couldn't know what it was. Not this year, with such a different attitude. God, how was I going to explain the failure? Granted it wasn't true failure. It wasn't as if I'd been declined but to not have a musical theater program, for me to not focus on Broadway and Broadway alone?
Impossible.
Even just heading to glee felt like torment, a reminder of all that I'd lose. It was doubtful that NYU would approve of the number of showtunes I had in my arsenal. Not to mention they would not at all help advance my stage presence, stage dancing, or any of the key elements needed to be a phenomenal performer.
With a heavy sigh I sank in my seat all but too aware of how empty the room felt now. How cold it was. Finn was gone, ridding the club of a great male vocal lead. Santana had vanished, and well morale was probably worse than before.
My head fell to my hands, a long breath leaving my lips as I tried to settle my emotions. It was a twister of far too many things at once. Anger, depression, and need. Need for Quinn's grounding eyes, her healing touch. I hadn't ever needed Finn like this, never craved his touch this way before. And when I see not her but Kurt walk through the doors, face unchanged from the expression he held since leaving Ms. Pilsbury's office, I only feel worse. We share a common pain that neither of us can actually share. Both of us too stubborn for our own good. I could tell he wanted to get over this idiotic dance of arguing over nothing. I wanted the same, but he clearly wanted me to speak first, and I simply didn't have anything to say. When he apologized, then I'd speak, until then I'd sulk alone, waiting for my knight to walk in the doors.
Next to show are Mike and Mercedes, then Tina, Artie, and then Brittany. Behind her was Santana, her face stone cold without any expression, but Brittany held a smile that the club hadn't seen since Finn had outed the girl she was undoubtedly head over heels for. Despite everything they'd gone through together. My eyes stared to the door, listening slightly to the others greet Santana back. I noticed that her figure was beginning to loosen up, finding that no one here hated her or judged her.
When a blonde bob of hair comes into the room, I can't help but feel my heart flutter instantly. My body reacting before she even touches me. Her eyes find Santana first, then land on Kurt's sad smile, and finally find my own. Finally I can breathe. Finally I can just pull her to me and cry. As inappropriate as it may be considering Santana's current issues, I couldn't help but focus on everything I had learned today. On how it all blew away with the words of Ms. Pilsbury.
Her expression turns to worry within seconds, and her steps that were clearly headed towards Santana were moving my way. She chose me over her best friend. She chose me over everything else. And that's all it takes to finally get me to break. The moment she's sitting my hands grab her shirt and I pull her as close into me as I can possibly manage. Her scent filling me with a small sense of calm. It was so simple, such a small action but it made a world of difference. Just feeling her there, feeling the pieces click together and getting that sense of being whole again.
"What's wrong?" She whispers to me, her hand on my back rubbing small soft circles on it.
The inner battle that erupts in me is almost instant. Not sure what to tell her or if I even should at this point. "Ms. Pilsbury," I sigh out. "She told Kurt and I about NYU. Something I should have known long before she told us in the first place," the first set of tears begin to trail down my cheeks and she's right there to wipe them away. "NYU offers a lot, but it apparently does not have a musical theater program. That's the only school I've worked for, it's the one place I counted on and I didn't even think to triple check all of the details." My voice becomes more and more shrill even in our quiet corner bubble. It's much like the bubble at the beach, just us and the rest of the world has vanished. Everyone else has dropped off the face of the Earth. It's just us, and the comfort I find in that alone amazes me. Just by looking to those hazel eyes I can tell it amazes her as well, the gaze we share isn't one of despair but of understanding. Understanding that from this point on, we needed each other. There wouldn't be any going back to the way things were. It was all in or nothing. And I wasn't sure I'd survive if this ended in nothing.
"That doesn't mean anything, Rachel," She whispers to me, placing a discreet peck to my temple. "All that means is that you have a plan B before you have your plan A. If I know you, you won't stop until you've found your perfect college. You're a star, and you will never stop shining, no matter what the universe throws at you."
Her words are hypnotic, and I find myself actually believing them over all of the doubt that had filled my heart this entire day. The anger vanished long before now, but I had only just noticed.
With a long shaky sigh, I find myself leaning in to her, and she gladly accepts this position, shifting slightly to make us both more comfortable. We're given looks, but most people see my tears and don't say much on it. Kurt looks to me curiously though, and if he'd just apologize I might actually explain it all to him now. But he hadn't, and I wouldn't be the first to approach him.
And as far as the actual Glee lesson, I couldn't tell anyone what was being taught, too caught up in Quinn's heartbeat. In her breathing and scent as well. I was mesmerized as her fingers toyed with the tips of my fingers. This could only be described as heaven. As my own personal paradise. Couldn't I just stay here forever, lost in Quinn so deeply as I was?
Faintly I can hear that things at home are stiff but overall okay with Santana, which was good, great actually, though there was something about the way her smile didn't quite reach her eyes that worried me. Santana was wonderful at dodging emotions, but I doubted that she could hide how hurt she'd be if ever rejected by her family.
As Glee Club began to pack up, Quinn whispers to me that she'll be back in a moment, and it's now that I notice Santana is the only one left in the room with Quinn and I. I can't hear their words but I can see Santana's defensive eyes look harshly to Quinn's. Against my better judgment, I move to step in closer to the two, only catching the tail end of Quinn's sentence. "…It sucked, to have all these friends that were supposed to be there for you, abandon you out of nowhere. It hurt like hell to see you go off and play perfect when you saw me fall from the crown. But I understood why, I was horrible. I treated you and everyone else like complete shit, and if I did the same to you that you've done to me, after all of the good you're tried this year, I'd never forgive myself. So…" Quinn continued, turning to make sure I was still in the room. Her smile upon seeing me caused butterflies, but her finishing sentence sank my heart. "If you'd like it, you're welcome to stay at my place until things cool off."