A/N: Thanks for waiting while I posted a couple updates on Loyalty and decompressed a bit. This one's short but sweet, and those of you who love your fluff will be pleased. Enjoy :)
I don't know how I got so lucky. This tiny, beautiful girl is curled up in my arms and snoozing tranquilly, like it's the safest place in the world. I know from experience that that's the furthest thing from the truth, but feeling like I bring her at least some sense of security makes my heart soar. I woke up maybe ten minutes ago, but I haven't been able to bring myself to rouse Johanna yet. It's rather tempting, considering she's still naked. I've settled for tracing the fingers of my free hand over her ribs and up and down her arm. My right arm is stuck under her and I don't want to chance moving it while she's sleeping.
I lean back from dusting a few kisses on her shoulder and get an eyeful of bruising along with the disturbing scarring. When she first made me come – the second time, really – I evidently clamped down very close to where I did while Mom was disinfecting my hand wound. There are some more marks from our further endeavors, but those two stand out the most. Of course, I made sure to keep them all off the neck and out of plain sight, assuming that Johanna is wearing clothes. Which, to be fair, is a pretty big assumption. I only realize my fingers have stilled when she stirs and sleepily whines, "Don't stop."
My enthralled but serious features crack into a smile. "How long have you been awake?"
"I'm not awake," she grumbles.
"Oh, no?" I lean forward and lick a streak up from under her ear. "I can fix that," I breathe, flicking her earlobe with my tongue. She groans and squirms in my arms, but otherwise doesn't respond. I know I'm winning, though. I suck her earlobe into my mouth, making her head tip back and another groan escape her throat.
She shudders and whimpers, "Katniss," and I know I have her beat. She rolls her eyes and lets out a guttural sound of irritation, but she also rolls and shuffles in my embrace so she can bury her face in my neck. I almost think she's hoping to pass out again until I feel her tongue lazily massaging a patch of skin above my clavicle, but I still lose patience with her. I pinch some sprouts of hair over her forehead and yank on them, forcing her lips up and onto mine.
The little noises and puffs of breath Jo releases in the ensuing series of sluggish kisses make it feel passionate despite the fact that she's still half asleep. But then, Johanna Mason makes everything feel passionate. Perhaps that's why I am especially drawn to her these days, since the destruction of my home and the start of the war. I've had so little passion of my own since coming here, or at least until she whipped back my curtain that day, plunked down on my bed and made me feel something. Pain in my ribs, anger and guilt in my brain, stirring in my soul.
Johanna eventually pulls away and flops onto her back, yawning and stretching her limbs out as far as they will go. When her arms drop to her sides, her left shoulder is in plain view again and the stupidest grin crawls onto my face. Jo's eyes catch this and narrow. "What?" she demands.
"I left you another souvenir," I admit, scratching at the start of a blush on my neck.
She peeks over and spies the second bite mark, grins slyly. She turns on her side again and tips her head down toward the mattress, exposing the other shoulder to me. I lick my lips hungrily even before she purrs out her invitation. "Wanna give me a matching set?" My face and stomach suddenly drop as my mind flashes back to an even higher voice saying something very similar. To the faces of Darius and the redheaded avox girl. "What?" Jo asks with obvious concern.
"Nothing," I lie. My eyes flit away from hers, landing on her ribcage and a scar I haven't seen before. It's noticeable but not in the most conspicuous location, tucked under her arm.
Jo notices my stare and follows it, her eyes widening slightly as she realizes what I'm fixated on. "Oh," she mutters, lifting her arm to give us both a better view. She points to another one, only inches from the first, and explains, "Entry wounds." I feel my mouth slowly slipping open as I try to digest this. How can she even be alive? "Not bullets, brainless," she clarifies, interrupting my thought process. "Electrical current."
My stomach churns painfully. It feels like its full of rocks. But I guess I asked for this when I undressed her. Sucker for punishment I am, I lean in a little for a better look. They do sort of look like burn scars, upon closer examination. My stomach rumbles again, this time audibly.
"Hungry?" Johanna smiles with a mischievous glint in her eye.
"No," I immediately answer. That's not true at all, but I think I'm too sick to my stomach to eat. "I mean, yes, but…" Her salacious grin makes me trail off.
"I'll give you something to eat," she declares.
"What?" I ask, blinking dumbly.
Jo's expression transforms into that infuriating one where I know she's thinking about how cute and clueless I am. I want to kiss it right off her face. "So naïve," she chuckles, confirming my suspicion. "You know, eating out? Eating pussy?" She's not talking about cats, is she? "That thing you like doing with your mouth?" She flicks her tongue repeatedly over her front teeth at high speed, sending heat straight to my face. And other parts, too.
"Oh," I mumble, otherwise lost for words. I swallow and try to regain control over my own body, though that's quite frankly a rather useless endeavor in Johanna's presence. It betrays me again immediately as my stomach growls even louder than before, accompanied by pangs of physical hunger now in addition to the mental anguish. Jo grins and I chuckle sheepishly. "I'm fucking starving, honestly."
"Sex will do that to you," she informs me, like I hadn't figured that out for myself. Typical.
I let this this latest moment of condescension roll off my back and simply muse, "Too bad we can't claim it as extra physical activity to increase our food rations."
Johanna laughs. "We could try," she smirks conspiratorially. "Can you imagine?"
"I think so," I smirk devilishly. I roll onto my back and squeal in an obnoxiously high tone, "Excuse me, President Fuckface, but I'm fucking your precious mockingjay. Would you mind raising our fucking caloric allowances so we don't fuck ourselves into oblivion?" I turn my head a little so I can see the satisfying glare coming from Johanna.
"I do not sound like that," she asserts.
I grin and shrug, "If you say so."
"Fine, then. I'll be you." She drops her pitch to a deep baritone and rumbles, "Excuse me, Madame President, I demand yet another concession to your micromanaging regulations. I know it was such a pain to let my sister keep her squeaking little fleabag."
Straining to keep a straight face, I coldly rejoin, "We have strict rules. No pussy for you, Soldier Everdeen."
Johanna stares at me for a second, mouth steadily opening. "Did you just make a pussy joke?" I grin smugly, and she dissolves into incredulous giggles. "No pussy," she chokes out. "Fuck, Everdeen." I join in her mirth, breaking into throaty laughter. It feels wonderful. We may not be far away from District Thirteen or the war, but I could stand waking up like this for as long as we have left before the invasion. My hand starts mindlessly roaming Jo's arm again, and it takes me a moment to notice her stare. "I like your laugh," she tells me.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah," she confirms, running her eyes down to the top of the blanket and then back up to my face. "It's sexy."
"You're sexy," I counter, moving my hand under the blanket to land on her torso. I drag my fingers down her silky skin, pulling a whimper from her lips. Not that I could have resisted anyway, I take this as my cue to roll forward and push her flat onto her back. I give her a cheeky wink and lower my lips to her cleavage, leaving a line of kisses leading toward her stomach and beyond.
"That's no fair," Jo whines. I only understand that she means because she's naked and I'm not when I feel her hands caressing my back through my sleep shirt.
"You're the one who chose to sleep naked," I point out between pecks, steadily approaching her naval. I'm almost there when the lights come on. I continue my progress onto her lower abdomen anyway, happy to ignore it.
Johanna clears her throat and ventures, "Speaking of food…"
"No, no, no," I groan into her skin.
"You need to eat," she says firmly. I cock an eyebrow and she specifies, "Food." I pout theatrically, making her laugh and ruffle my hair affectionately. "Let's blow off training instead."
"No, we already blew off studying last night," I argue, propping myself up on my elbows. "And Soldier York has to recommend us for the exam, so we can't just not show up."
"Fuck Soldier York," she scoffs.
I snort. "No, thank you."
Johanna grins evilly and sits up, pulling my face up to hers and consequently forcing me into a kneeling position straddling her legs. "I thought you had a thing for older women," she teases into my mouth.
I peck her on the lips. "I just have a thing for you," I confess. I feel another blush coming on, so I shift my weight to exit the bed. "Come on, let's go." I don't get far before Jo grabs my shirt and pulls me back in for a deeper kiss. I guess me wearing clothes isn't so unfair to her after all. I respond enthusiastically for several seconds before pulling away slightly and reminding her, "I thought you wanted to go get breakfast."
"Mmm," she recalls, "so I did."
"Did I distract you?" I grin, trailing a finger down her spine.
"Maybe," she admits. She jerks her head to her left, into the room. "Come on, then." She smacks my butt as a prompt to get moving. I don't mind. I hop down from the bed and peel my shirt off. I'm standing up from picking my bra up off the floor when I feel her eyes burning into my flesh and automatically look up. She's sitting with her legs hanging off the bed, leering shamelessly. No surprise there.
I shake my head and chuckle. "Pervert."
***o***
I realized during training that there actually was a favor I could ask of our president that wouldn't involve disclosing my extracurricular activities. Johanna and I haven't talked about it, but we seem to be in silent accord that we don't want our involvement going public. It's also just not something I'm comfortable discussing with Alma Coin.
It was a difficult morning, standing so close to Johanna and not being able to show her any kind of affection, physical or otherwise. It wasn't even the secrecy thing; I just didn't want to embarrass myself. I've realized since that slip up at dinner last night that there's a huge glaring reason why Kearns and Foligno get on my nerves so much. I'm always most irritated by others when they echo behaviors of mine that I'm not proud of. That's admittedly one of the reasons Johanna rubbed me the wrong way early on. She, meanwhile, was not helping. She was giving me the eyes all morning, purposely driving me insane. The Block was a little better because we had more to think about to otherwise occupy ourselves, but the only thing that got me through the morning was all the physical exertion in the form of fitness drills. It took the edge off my sexual energy, at least. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that that would be something I'd have to worry about, not until she came along.
The meeting in Command I was slated for later this afternoon was not especially interesting, but it was kind of a welcome reprieve from all of that nonsense, and a good chance to refocus. When I could stubbornly keep my mind from lapsing back to last night's adventures, at least. I can't be jeopardizing my chance to go to the Capitol because of Johanna, so I need to pay attention and allot my time appropriately. However, I'm pretty sure we're both in good enough physical condition now that our morning workouts aren't necessary on the daily to keep us in shape for the physical part of the exam. But like I said to Jo, we can't just not show up when we have to impress Soldier York. That's why I'm lingering in Command while most of the higher ups file out. When Boggs is the only one left hovering over the president's shoulder, I approach. "President Coin?"
"What is it, Soldier?" Coin looks up from the papers they are poring over, wearing a warm expression by her standards. It relaxes me a little as I rehearse my calculated words one more time in my head.
"I know it's been awhile since I've used the hunting privileges I requested," I hazard, "but I want to confirm that they're still available to me."
The president's eyebrows jump, her mouth quirking wryly. "I think 'demanded' is more the operative word, Everdeen," she smirks, leaning back in her chair. "I wouldn't dream of taking them away for fear of having you abandon your mission."
"I wouldn't!" I snap. The implication that I don't care about the rebellion and would sabotage it over something trivial makes my cheeks and ears light up. "Even after Peeta warned us about the bombing, I'm still concerned he'd be tried as a traitor if I backed out," I retort pointedly.
A small smile crawls onto Coin's lips. "Fair point," she replies, seemingly impressed. "You are, of course, still free to take up to two hours a day out of your training time to hunt. But with your recent level of commitment to training, all the time and energy you've spent preparing for the Capitol invasion, this is quite a radical shift in priorities for you. I wouldn't want to see you waste your efforts." She actually sounds a little concerned. And she's not wrong, of course. That's my biggest worry when it comes to Johanna and me.
"I don't feel it would be a waste," I say to reassure myself as much as Coin. I'm not asking because I want to get busy with Johanna in the woods, though I'm not opposed to the idea. I mostly just want to sit in the sunlight with her, consort in the actual world and not just in this rabbit's warren, as she puts it, that doesn't really feel like reality. More importantly, I want to help her and increase her chances of being able to accompany me to the Capitol and get her revenge. I remember how restorative it was for me to be out in nature again, to sit on that rock in the ruins and just exist beside that rushing river. That part in particular might not restore Johanna's sanity so much, but as much as she complained about being associated with trees, I'm sure being among them would help.
"It's up to you, of course," Coin replies, "but I didn't think you still found the hunting necessary. It was primarily for your mental health, which seems to have improved, and we are no longer in short supply of meat, with District Ten in hand."
"It's Johanna's mental health I'm concerned about now," I explain. "I'm sure the two of you are well-informed about the things she went through in the Capitol and the problems she's been having since then."
The two of them share a look and a moment of uncertain silence before Boggs asks, "You want to bring Mason with you now?"
"Yes," I confirm. "That's the other thing I wanted to ask."
Coin only considers this for a few seconds before concluding, "I don't have a problem with that, so long as she also accepts that these outings can only take place during her allotted training time." She looks up at Boggs. "Do you?"
"No," he wavers, "not as long as they tell their instructors where they're going, so there's no confusion." He catches my eye. "I'm still concerned about Mason, but Katniss has taken good care of her so far." If only he knew just how good. I try to contain my smirk. "They haven't caused any trouble, yet," he adds with a loaded gaze. I guess that depends on one's definition of trouble.
Coin turns back my way and holds eye contact sternly. "Same rules. Tracker anklets, quarter-mile radius, kills to the kitchen. And without Hawthorne's company, one of you will have to wear a communicuff. I'll make a note for the soldiers in the armory to provide you with one."
I know all of this monitoring technology, as annoying and restricting as it is, is supposedly for my protection, but I still can't help but roll my eyes a little. Not just because I'm vexed by the implication that I need supervision, but also because I know it will have to be me wearing the damn communicuff. Assuming they let us take our specialty weapons, Jo's wrists will be occupied.
"Works for me," I shrug, not bothering to hide my mild annoyance.
Coin purses her lips and curtly replies, "Good. You are dismissed, Soldier."
***o***
Maybe I shouldn't have been worried about Johanna being too much of a distraction, because we do end up studying tonight. Naked, albeit, but it's progress. I'm resting supine on Jo's bed, her pillow and one arm tucked under my head to prop it up a little, and she's lying back against me, holding one of our books above her face. She's quizzing me on military terminology, but I may be more focused on the goose bumps rising on her skin as I ghost my fingers over her upper arm. But I already insisted we study during Reflection – because I had a feeling we wouldn't get much done once we got back from dinner and had longer than half an hour of uninterrupted alone time – so I figure we're doing pretty well.
Our time hasn't even been all that uninterrupted or alone, actually. Mom and Prim are both working this evening, and around the time we returned to our compartment, Buttercup started mewling loudly and incessantly from next door. Despite my objections, Johanna insisted on rescuing him from his loneliness. Maybe it's no problem for her, exhibitionist she is, but I found it a little more difficult to get off with a cat casting me judgmental glares from across the room. He's still sitting on my bed, flicking his tail and looking on distastefully.
"Katniss?" Johanna calls, snapping her fingers in front of my face.
"Huh?" I blink over to see her squinting at me over her shoulder.
"Where are you?"
I jerk my head over toward the cat and observe, "I don't think he enjoyed the show." As if on cue, his glower deepens and he emits a peeved growl and hiss.
"That's almost insulting," muses Johanna. She sends an exaggerated glare right back at him and points out, "You're the one who wanted company, big guy. Beggars can't be choosers." Buttercup drops his gaze to the bed and silently kneads the blankets under his front paws. Jo turns back to me with a huge grin, like she's thoroughly proud of herself for winning an argument with a cat, and asks, "What was that you said about no pussy?"
I snort and motion at the door. "If you wanna go out there and put him back in their compartment, be my guest." I know this is a mistake the instant I say it, even before Jo smirks at the challenge and starts to push herself up off the mattress. "No!" I protest, latching on to her arm and yanking her back down.
She lands facedown on me, more roughly than necessary, and smiles innocently. "You have a problem with that?" she teases. "I thought you liked it when I took my clothes off in public."
"That was back when that was my only opportunity to see you take them off," I argue. "And I don't want anyone else seeing you naked." I don't realize how insane this sounds until it's left my lips, but when I do, my cheeks immediately flare up. We'd barely even kissed before yesterday, let alone admit to any feelings for each other, and suddenly I'm demanding exclusive rights to someone as stunning and elusive as Johanna Mason, demanding she change her behavior for me? That hardly seems reasonable. I've always been told love is unreasonable, though.
Johanna's lips are parted in surprise at my outburst, but she doesn't look any more offended than usual, so that's a good sign. She eventually shuts her mouth and quirks it sassily. "My, my, so possessive," she drawls, her bedroom eyes back in full force. They lose their intensity a little bit as she drags them up and down my face, biting her lip. "That's actually kinda hot."
I exaggerate a smirk to cover my relief, and crane my neck to reach her relatively unmarked shoulder with my teeth. She growls viscerally at my touch, causing a rush of arousal to seep out onto my suddenly burning intimate area. I release her shoulder from my mouth in favor of attacking her lips. I claw at her flesh with my nails, pulling her even tighter to me than gravity dictates while she responds with equal vigor and moves her hands to molest the front and sides of my torso. She nudges the book off the bed in the process, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Buttercup startle dramatically at the sound of it hitting the floor. I guess he thinks he's the only one allowed to knock things to the ground for fun. He takes a look at us, huffs, and jumps to the floor. I can hear him padding down to the living area while our mouths get more aggressive and our hands more frantic.
Johanna's thigh starts grinding between mine within moments, and suddenly the cat is the furthest thing from my mind. I can't think at all, actually, but my right leg wraps around her thighs of its own volition and starts pulling in rhythm with her thrusting, rocking her harder and harder against me. My breathing and volume are both in the process of picking up when she suddenly stills her leg and lifts her head. My lips try to follow hers, but she moves out of reach, so I just drop my head to the pillow and glare impatiently.
The older victor swallows, her eyes briefly flickering. I narrow my eyes inquisitively, so she explains, "I wanna try something." I blink silently, not sure why she felt the need to stop over that. "I mean, I've done it before, but… I don't want to push you." Her concern makes me smile, but it's unnecessary. There's something she doesn't understand.
"I'll try just about anything, if it's with you," I declare, and then immediately wish I'd thought that through first, much like my earlier statement about her nudity. But before I have time to analyze that fear any further, Johanna's lips are on mine again and proving it unnecessary. Her breathing quickens and she rips her mouth away, pushing herself upright and starting to waddle up my body on her shins. When she moves her palms to the wall in front of her, making way for her knees, I understand what she wants.
My mouth is already watering, but despite my own eagerness, I take my time. I gently cup her backside and get an eyeful of her glistening folds, and I can't help but lick my lips while I lift my head a smidgen to make contact. I touch my tongue high on her leg and trace it up to her thigh crease, then drag it along the inside of her outer lip. Feeling her involuntary shudder, I look up playfully and pass my tongue just in front of her hood on the way to the other side. She moans deliciously in frustration. "Please," she whimpers. I don't answer, just start lacing kisses down her inner thigh.
I continue this tantalizing dance around the edge of her most sensitive parts for a few minutes, listening proudly to the growing desperation in her breaths as she subtly spreads her knees wider to lower herself closer to me. She doesn't beg again, but that's fine by me. I want to make her give in, but it's not her words I want, not this time. She eventually groans and moves a hand down to palm my cheek and nudge my face upward, but I swat it away. That's better, but not good enough. I'm almost the one to give in when I feel a dribble of liquid hit the hollow of my throat and I realize where it came from. My eyes roll back in their sockets, but I force my mouth to stay on the border despite the intoxicating scent enticing me to bury my face between her legs. I catch her eye instead and throw her a knowing wink.
"Fucking prick," Johanna growls, at long last grabbing my head and shoving my mouth onto her. I smile into her crotch and finally let my tongue trace its contours. I like making her give in, but I also like her using force to control me, as it turns out. I probably would like things rough after all. She's had enough waiting and is already rocking her hips a little to create more friction, and I don't resist. She threads her fingers into my hair and grasps one of the cavities in the wall to her left for support while I tighten my grip on her ass and speed up my tongue.
I have the most incredible view. Her heaving chest, the way her head tilts back as the pressure in her core mounts, the strain on her face as she struggles to hold in her exclamations of pleasure. I can't help it; I start to suck. I want to make her scream, and can only wish she could fully let the sound out. Even with our next-door neighbors gone, there are still plenty of other people nearby who could hear us if we weren't careful. But I am not one to let long-term consequences influence my impulses, as my ribs can attest to, so I tip my chin down a little to make some room and then slide three fingers inside her without warning.
Johanna lets out a howl of pleasure and starts grinding desperately on my face, smearing it with fragrant slickness. It sends shockwaves to my groin, and I unconsciously start rubbing my thighs together to get some kind of pressure there. The wait is killing me, and if I could reach myself with my arm looped over her thigh, I would. All the more reason to finish her off quickly. Breathing is becoming an issue, but I bear down and suck and rub and thrust with no regard for oxygen. It pays off just as my lungs are starting to scream at me, and I shoot my free hand up to clamp over Johanna's mouth just as she's about to scream too. She bucks violently for a few seconds and then collapses forward against the wall, sucking in air almost as needily as I am. My thumb only takes over for a few seconds before I catch my breath enough to put my tongue back to work, greedily licking her sex like it's the spoon Peeta uses to mix his cookie batter. Still not satisfied once she and my lips are clean, I slip my index finger into my mouth to suck off the sweet nectar.
I hear an aroused groan from above and flick my eyes up to see Jo gawking. "Do you have to do that?" she whines.
I let my finger pop free, brow furrowing. "Do what?" I ask genuinely. She groans again and lowers herself down to rest partially on me and partially on her right side, then surprises me by taking my ring finger in her mouth. My eyes pop open and my heartbeat suddenly finds its way between my legs at the suction of her lips and the circling of her tongue around the digit. Wow, if this feels this erotic on a finger, I can see why guys like it other places. Oh, gross, why am I even thinking about that? I want to taste more of Johanna, but I like the feeling so much that I let her suck my middle finger clean too, though when she's done I immediately pull her in for a kiss so she can share the wealth. It's mere seconds before I remember something and break away to tell her, "You missed a spot."
She eyes me quizzically, so I point to my neck. Her eyes drop to it and suddenly grow. "Oh," she mumbles, a rare blush invading her creamy skin. "That's embarrassing."
"No, it's hot," I argue immediately, my voice betraying more incredulity than I meant it to.
Johanna grins at that admission but doesn't comment on it, just makes a show of flicking her tongue down over my throat and then sucking gently. I groan quietly and involuntarily, moving my hand to her crown and obsessively petting the soft, short locks on her scalp back and forth. She applies more light suction in a few choice spots on her way back up, setting me squirming and squeezing my thighs together again. Jo releases my skin to lick a trail up to my jaw and jump back to my lips, which meet hers passionately. She interlocks our fingers to match our dueling tongues, and I squeeze them out of overwhelming arousal, probably tighter than I meant to. Jo nips my lip on the retreat and grins saucily. "How'd you get such strong fingers, Everdeen?"
I give her my best patronizing look and snark, "Archery, brainless," while sliding our linked hands down my stomach. She gets the message. And she must sense the extent of my need, because she doesn't play around any more. It's rather merciful of her, given how badly I teased her. With her pleasure fresh in my memory and Buttercup nowhere to be seen, it takes only a few moments of rubbing to get me there this time. I clutch her arm and relish the force and urgency in her muscles as she pushes me to the edge and over in a flurry of movement. She doesn't try to mute me, but I emit only a gasp and a quiet moan anyway. I let my head fall back while the waves of pleasure die down, breathing heavily and blinking myself back to my senses. When my eyes regain focus, I see Johanna looking on with a cocked eyebrow.
"That was fast," she comments.
"Getting you off turns me on," I shrug, unsure whether or not this is something to be embarrassed about.
"I should have guessed you'd be a giver," she remarks bluntly. I squint in reply, so she explains, "You get off on giving pleasure, I mean."
"And you said I was selfish," I mention with an exaggerated smirk, trying to play this off as something that didn't bother me.
Johanna chuckles and affectionately combs her fingers through my dark mane. "You're selfish in the sense that you only care about the well-being of a very select group of individuals, mostly people you've decided need your protection," she clarifies. "You'd do anything to keep those people safe, but if someone's not in your inner circle, they're shit outta luck." I think I can feel my heart sliding down into my stomach. She's right, of course, and so was Snow. I can't see past my narrowest concerns. Johanna tips my face back up to regain eye contact, her own brown orbs unexpectedly soft. "Loyalty is a good quality to have," she assures me, brushing a tendril from my cheek. "You just have a tendency to overlook the big picture. You're self-centered, not selfish. But no one can really blame you for that, either, because you've had to operate that way in order to survive." She holds my befuddled gaze relentlessly. "You're a good person, Katniss Everdeen." My eyes start to burn and blur, so I blink away again. "What? Don't believe me?"
I snuffle and shake my head. "I believe that you mean it," I tell her. I sigh, gathering my thoughts. "I'm sure all of my direct and indirect casualties would have something to say about that, though." I catch her eye again. "But they can't. They're dead."
"What do you think?" she probes.
"I don't know," I mumble. "How can I judge myself when I don't even know myself anymore? I haven't felt like myself since the reaping." I blink back more tears. "Actually, I haven't really felt like myself since my dad died, but I guess that's because I became someone else."
"You had to."
"I know," I nod. "But I think it's happened again. I'm not just selfish now, Jo. I'm a murderer. I had to become that too."
"Katniss–"
"The only time I feel like myself anymore is when I'm with you," I blurt, ignoring her attempt to interrupt. Oh, shit, I can add that to the list of things I didn't plan to say that made Johanna stare at me. My earnest eyes blink away shyly, and she sighs deeply.
"Come here, darling," she whispers, rolling onto her back and pulling me with her so my head ends up tucked under her chin. "Do you remember what I said about my ex not being able to handle the real me?" I nod into her neck. "Well, that wasn't really true, only sort of. I was upset when I said that. The truth is, part of me was still that same person underneath, still a bright-eyed, passionate girl with a lot of love to give." Her chest rises sharply and then rumbles as she clears her throat. I go to fist her shirt reassuringly only to remember that she's naked. I lay my palm flat on her ribcage instead. "But she didn't have the guts or the patience to find me," Jo continues. "I guess that's part of why I buried that part of myself so deep, because no one was looking for her and it broke her heart. Better to put her out of her misery. But I never could kill her, and believe me, I tried very hard."
I laugh once at this despite myself. "I'm sure you did," I tease her, glad to have the conversation turn away from me for the moment. Not that it lasts long. Johanna is almost immediately tilting my chin up, silently ordering me to make eye contact. I obey, not that I have much choice in the matter.
"You're right, we're never the same. The killers in us never leave once they come out. But that's not all we are," she declares. "You're still a loving sister, a champion of the helpless, and an arrogant little shithead who's a real pain in the ass." Her lips crack into a grin, and I don't even pretend to be offended before laughing, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
"I could be a bigger pain in your ass, if you'd like," I smirk, caught between trying to look sultry and threatening and likely accomplishing neither.
Johanna's face puckers and she responds, "Actually, I don't really like it up the butt. A bit around the rim feels nice, but the whole…" she trails off as she catches the same expression crawling into my face.
"I meant ass-slapping!" I exclaim in disbelief, pushing my weight up onto my forearm. "For fuck's sake, Mason. Do you have to make everything sexual?"
She lifts a suggestive eyebrow. "Was the ass-slapping not meant to be sexual?"
"Well, yes, but…" She cocks her head smugly. "Whatever, go fuck yourself."
"Mm, I would, but someone's insatiable and now I'm really sore," she drawls pointedly.
"Pussy," I mutter, though I can relate. The burn between my own legs is not entirely a pleasurable one anymore either.
"Yes, exactly. Isn't yours sore?"
"No," I lie.
"Bullshit," she scoffs.
I groan exasperatedly and sink down onto her body. "It's not my fault you're so sexy," I grumble. I catch her eye and try to glare. "You could at least try not to be irresistible, you know. It was very distracting this morning, you and your fucking bedroom eyes."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she smirks.
"Oh yeah?" I challenge, slithering forward. I stop when our lips are only inches apart. I drag my nails down her ribs and rasp, "So you have no idea why I almost had to sneak a hand into my pants a couple times during the workout?"
"Oh my god, chill out, Everdeen. Go take a cold shower or something." Jo reaches out to turn the clock on the dresser our way. It reads 21:54. "Oh, look. It's almost time, anyway. Get lost."
The topic of bathing time makes my stomach flip. The hunting wasn't the only idea I got during training. This one makes me kind of uncomfortable because, again, I'm not the exhibitionist, though I am getting more used to being leered at while vulnerable. Johanna feasting her eyes on me this morning was what gave me this idea, after all. I swallow my nerves and roll my eyes dramatically. "Fine," I draw out petulantly. "I'll go." I slide off the bed, never losing eye contact even once my feet hit the floor. I straighten up and smirk, "But I think I'll have a bath. Been too long, and now I don't have to worry about rushing to get out of the bathroom for you, right, Mason?" I wink. "You've already seen me naked, yeah?" I turn and start to slink away.
"I'm not getting in there with you, Everdeen," Jo calls after me, halting me in my tracks. "Don't even think about it." Either I'm a bad actor, or she knows me too well. Though she has her details wrong, I don't want to admit I'm plotting anything, so I wipe the guilt from my face before twisting and peeking over my shoulder.
"Well, now you're making me think about it," I purr with a salacious wink. Johanna is still eyeing me suspiciously, her posture guarded, so I take a couple of steps her way, softening my face so she can detect my honesty. "I wasn't planning on it, don't worry."
That seems to satisfy Johanna, so I head to the bathroom and start filling the tub. I sit on the edge and mindlessly swirl the rising water, mixing and testing the temperature, trying to convince myself that this is not a terrible idea. I've seen Jo drink water and wipe herself with the damp cloth, so small, non-threatening doses of water might be fine. It could just be getting soaked or sprayed that spooks her. But then again, entering a room that has a tub full of water might be enough to set her off. I find myself wishing yet again that I knew exactly what happened to her and what I'm dealing with. A chat with a certain handsome seaman may be in order.
I'd planned from the beginning to reenter the main compartment naked after drawing the bath, figuring it was probably the best way to lure Johanna into the room. I may have learned a thing or two from Gale about thinking like my prey. The nice thing about already being nude is that it makes the ploy a little less obvious. I pad back into the living area, resisting the urge to cover myself now that I'm thinking about it. Seeing Buttercup first doesn't help with that, with his relentless and disapproving stare from his perch atop the table. I make a hissing face at him and then try to channel that confidence as I walk into Johanna's line of sight, or what would be her line of sight if her nose weren't in the book she sent tumbling off the bed earlier. I'm sure she hears me approach, but she doesn't acknowledge me.
"Johanna?" I stop a foot from her bed and wait for her to make the next move. She slowly lowers the book, her tremulous expression revealing that she knows I intend to make her face her phobia. I offer her a firm hand and a steady gaze. "Come with me."
"I told you," she squirms, "I'm not getting in."
"That's not what I had in mind," I assure her. Still, she hesitates. "You told me you trust me, remember?" Her suspicious eyes flicker and she sucks her top lip between her teeth. "Prove it."
The girl exhales sharply through her nose and snaps the book closed. "Fine," she mutters, dropping it on the mattress. She slides to the ground, ignoring my hand, and exits the nook ahead of me. Hey shaky progress slows halfway through the main room, so I take her hand and lead her around the partition and into the bathroom. I turn around, bringing us face-to-face, and press my lips against hers. A surprised twitch later, she returns my kiss, though I notice her eyes straying past the left side of my face and to the tub behind me.
"I'm not going to hurt you," I promise in a low whisper. "I would never hurt you." She snorts out a scoff, so I specify, "I mean, not in the way they did. Whatever it was." Despite the slight tremor that my words bring on, Jo nods once. I guide us a few steps further in and then slowly rotate us clockwise, ensuring my body stays between her and the water. I press down on her shoulders lightly, prompting her to sit down on the toilet. "Is this okay?" I ask softly.
She nods again, though her eyes are nervously darting between my face and the tub. "Why am I here?" she inquires with a stoic face. I smile with affection. My girl, the actor.
"Remember how you said you wouldn't be able to enjoy being in a shower even if I was there?" She nods glumly. "Well, I figure this way you can at least enjoy the experience visually," I explain, stepping into the tub and starting to lower myself into the water. "I know you have 'a thing' for naked Katniss." She smirks at my use of her words.
With that, I suck in a breath and submerge myself. Truth be told, it's as much for steadying my nerves as it is for going under. I shake the water from my face when I surface, and once my hands push past my brow in an effort to wipe any excess into my hair, I catch Johanna's eye. The intensity of her gaze tempts me to break eye contact, much like when she looked at me in a very similar manner after removing the last of my clothes yesterday. Equal parts adoration and desire. I do blink away rather quickly because, despite our previous naked exploits, this is still pretty awkward for me. That, and it's sort of turning me on in a perverse way that I'm not used to. I'm not the best at putting on a show, unless it involves arrows, and that's especially true where my body is concerned. But I try anyway, soaping up my arms and front in my best imitation of how Johanna gaudily oiled up her skin at the Training Center – I must have watched her more closely than I like to admit to myself. I think I might be trying too hard, because this feels kind of ridiculous, and that suspicion is confirmed when I look up in the middle of scooping water over my collarbones and catch Jo smirking and barely suppressing a laugh. I harden my gaze.
"Call me adorable, and I'll kick your ass," I bark.
Jo bites her closed lips to hold back a smile. Once she has it under control, she remarks, "I never took you for an exhibitionist, Everdeen."
"I'm not," I argue. "I'm doing this for you." She closes one eye and squints doubtfully with the other. "Well, okay, it is kind of hot," I concede. "Kind of scary. Very weird." I'm not even done saying this before Johanna is on the floor and walking over on her knees.
"Hey, you have nothing to be scared of. Hm?" She leans forward and kisses me gently. It occurs to me as I'm responding that she has her face and neck over the tub now. She really does trust me. I cautiously lift a wet hand to her cheek to test her threshold. Surprisingly, it doesn't seem to bother her. A moment passes before she cups the back of my hand with one of hers and interlocks our fingers. "Look," she says, "you don't have to do this for me. If you're uncomfortable–"
"I'm sure I'm much less uncomfortable than you are," I point out. She doesn't argue that. I trace the corner of her mouth with my thumb and try to gather my courage. This is as good a time as any to offer her a chance to take the next step. I wasn't sure I was going to ask today, but she's already right here. She's just laying a kiss on my palm when I hazard, "Do you want to help?" Hey eyes warily flick my way. "No pressure," I add sincerely, analyzing her apprehensive features as her face turns back to mine. "But, I could use some help with my back."
"Of course you could," she retorts with a scowl that says she knows very well what I'm trying to do. Despite that, she grabs the bar of soap, dips it in the water, and begins gingerly lathering up her hands. "You know, you're really something else, Everdeen."
I smirk and pull my hair in front of my shoulder. "That's what they keep telling me."
A/N: Thanks to those readers that mentioned how the smut last chapter lined up with the rest of the story, because that was my intention and I'm glad to hear it worked as planned. I prefer to make my smut functional, and yeah, if I'd left that out, we would have missed a lot of progression in their dynamics. Ummm, and this chapter's smut was not supposed to be so dirty or long to serve its purpose, but then it kind of escalated. Hah. I hope no one minds. ;)
Thanks to D7P for the beta read.