Letter # 11

Hi there Jackie. I've got some great news I'd like to share! I got in to Tisch School for the Arts at NYU! (Cue the applause and the fireworks and the confetti cannons and the We Are the Champions background music!).

But just to clarify, I just made it as a finalist. I still need to pass the audition process before I become an official student at Tisch but I think I'll nail this one! Wes did it last year and I have every intention of following him there. Thad also got in his Dentistry program and because of that, he's out celebrating with Erika tonight. Erika still hasn't received any letter of confirmation which is scary but we're being optimistic for her. It'll be devastating though if she didn't make it and I'd hate to imagine what drama those two would face if they're forced to have a long distance relationship… To brighten up the mood again, Kurt also became a finalist for his school of choice, NYADA. I hope he gets in so that we can all be New York bound! And just to add to the pool of good news, Blaine is now on recovery in his house and I'm pretty sure he'll be fully recovered by next week; which would be a very nice Valentine's Day present for Kurt.

Anyway, I think that's enough happiness for the entire letter. Hahaha. It's time to plunge again to the depressing part of my past. So let's cue that magical harp sound that signals a flashback and let the storytelling of the 'Month without Jeff' begin.

So the last thing I told you was that I started ignoring Jeff ever since he forgot about our little meeting at Coffee Way. And when he realized it, he started plaguing me with apologies. Seriously, if you think cockroaches or locusts or rats are worse plagues; try having a cute blond boy, whom you also love, follow you around and mutter an arsenal of apologies and give you these barely resistible sad puppy-dog eyes just so you'd speak to him again. I've lost count of how many times I almost turned that month into a day or two because Jeff was that persistent.

If it wasn't for Johnny (yes, ever the Good Guy Johnny), I'd probably have given in to his apologies before the sun set on day two. As much as Johnny was against this little plan of mine, he still agreed with my request to stop Jeff's 'apology plague'. He felt slightly responsible for the fallout anyway that's why he tried to help me with this one.

When Jeff finally got the message that his incessant apologizing wouldn't work, he finally calmed down and gave me the space that I needed. Now what exactly did I need space for? Well for starters, I needed some Jeff-free time to think of what my next move would be. I still held that bargain I gave him before by my car. If he just says to my face that I have no chance with him, then I would immediately stop pursuing him. But due to what happened, I started rethinking that. A part of me wanted to really just cut the fantasy loose but I really couldn't do that. A part of me also wanted to cut not just the fantasy loose, but the entire relationship with Jeff as well, but that's something that I really couldn't do. Even if I tried my hardest, I could never simply forget about Jeffers like some irrelevant historical fact. I really just needed the time out to do the 'find myself again' cliché.

I started avoiding him, which proved difficult since we shared the same lunch time, but I still sort of succeeded in doing it. Whenever we did have those moments where we crossed paths in the hallways or cafeteria, we just casually avoid one another (well at least, that was what I did). Only a handful of Warblers actually knew what had happened so there wasn't much tension whenever we shared the same table during lunch time or the same room during Warbler meetings.

In fact, after a week of doing that awkward dance of evasion, I started getting used to the idea. Not enough to verify that I can lose Jeff in my life, but enough to make me see that my life shouldn't revolve around him.

One Warbler's meeting came (around the third week) and Wesley announced something that blew the mind out of each of us. Since we lost our Regionals, some of us got a bit bummed by it. I'd probably be along those ranks myself if I didn't have something bigger on my plate to deal with. So to boost some morale for the Warblers, Wes told everyone that each member will perform a solo just to remind us all how talented each one of us is. He took the stage first to lead an example and he started belting out a lovely rendition of "Home" from The Wiz. I can't remember if it was Flint or Logan who took a video of his performance but I know that it's still up in Youtube somewhere. Try searching for it, it's gorgeous!

When Wes was done, Blaine proudly stood up next but Wes and pretty much everyone in the room (including Kurt) shot him a look that said "you are not singing today". Blaine awkwardly sat back on the couch as Trent took the floor. He sang Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away" and it really proved how much he deserved the title 'Sassiest Warbler' in the group. His performance was absolutely breathtaking and some of us were darting our eyes back and forth to check if Trent was singing this to someone specifically. It turned out to be a false alarm but it was still fun to see how much of a gossip our whole group was, so much that we could communicate with just simple facial gestures. Throughout that 'exchange of information', I briefly saw Jeff sporting this dumbfounded look directed to Logan and it reminded me how adorakable the guy was. But yeah, that wasn't enough to shake my resolve that quickly.

David came next, then Andrew and to our surprise, Johnny, who sang "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls. We backed him up as he sang it and it just sounded so amazing that we considered it as a potential number for our future performances. Though as of today, we still haven't used it.

After a few more performances (one of which was Thad who sang "Fireflies" by Owl City), Wes stood up once more and told us that we would continue this activity tomorrow since it was getting late. That was fine by me since I wanted to practice the song I wanted to sing; which is the one I told you last time, Simple Plan's "Addicted". The song instantly popped into my mind when Wes announced that we were all singing. It was probably my brain's way of communicating my feelings through a proper song. I mean, just look at the lyrics, it was perfect!

Thad and I went back to our dorm room and I immediately hooked up my iPod to the speakers and played "Addicted" so I could practice. Thad immediately understood why I picked that song and he just watched me sing without comment, but it was written on his face that he didn't approve of my decision. I sang it a couple more times just to make sure that I hit every note properly, especially the "Heartbreaker" parts.

When I was done, Thad asked me why I wanted to sing that song. I just answered him truthfully since there was no use hiding it. I wanted to sing that song since it could empathize and channel the pain I felt. And maybe if he heard it, then he'd understand how much pain he inflicted to me, directly or indirectly. Thad stood up from his bed and enveloped me in a hug. It was comforting and after singing that song three times with pure unadulterated emotions, I really felt that I was on the verge of tears.

Thad saw this and he just told me to let it out. And I did. It was the first time I cried after what Jeff did. I cried for a while but Thad never let go of me. When I was finally done crying, Thad told me that things might get better from that point on. And you know what he was sort of right. Just sort of.

The next day, after all of our classes, the Warblers met again for Wes' little team building activity. When Wesley asked who would like to start us off, Jeff and I stood up at the same time. And to add to that awkward/funny tension, we started doing that cliché where two people say things at the same time like "you go first", "no you go, first" and "okay, I'll go first". It seriously happened, I kid you not! The Warblers were actually laughing at us because of that little display but I have to admit, it really was funny.

Wes decided that I should go first because of seniority so I took the floor and started explaining what I was going to sing. When Wevid (that's Wes and David) asked me why I chose that particular song, I just said that I like Simple Plan, which was true so I wasn't really lying. When the inquisitions were done for my weird song choice, I finally started singing the song.

I heard you're doin' okay but I want you to know. I'm addict-, I'm addicted to you.

I can't pretend I don't care when you don't think about me. Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway.

I sang each line with pure emotions. All that angst I was feeling was carefully placed in every note and syllable I sang. I was actually tempted to look directly at Jeff as I sang it but that would have been too mean and well, too obvious. The fewer Warblers that knew about this, the better.

I'm tryin' to forget that I'm addicted to you.

But I want it and I need it. I'm addicted to you.

Now it's over! Can't forget what you said. And I never wanna do this again. Heartbreaker! Heartbreaker!

Before I could stop myself, I took a quick glance at Jeff as I sang the chorus (specifically the 'Heartbreaker' part) and he looked sad. Actually sad was the understatement of the year. He looked guilty and miserable and dare I say it, a bit heartbroken. It bugged me but I still kept singing.

How long will I be waiting? Until the end of time

I don't know why I'm still waiting. I can't make you mine.

Instead of continuing to the last choruses of the song, I stopped the song when I reached those lines. I didn't plan on doing that but it turned out great. The change in tempo and volume as I sang those parts made the ending more emotional and vulnerable. And suddenly, everyone was on their feet clapping at my performance. It was my first standing ovation from the Warblers and it felt great. Even Jeff was clapping along and he had a smile on his face which made my knees wobble. Yes, such a cliché thing to say but I really felt that… Wow, I really used the word cliché quite a lot today.

When they were done applauding, Wes asked Jeff to take the floor. I said a brief "good luck" to him as we crossed paths and I saw him smile as I returned to the couch. Jeff made his little introduction about the song he chose. He chose Elliott Yamin's "Wait For You", which shocked pretty much all the Warblers, including yours truly. See, us Warblers tend to have a certain genre or niche that we always tend to perform or suggest to the council. Kurt had his Show tunes, Blaine was a Top 40 guy, and Jeff had upbeat dance songs. That's why it was sort of a shock that he chose a ballad to perform for his solo. But that wasn't the only reason why I was shocked of his song choice. To explain it better, here's the first verse of the song.

I never felt nothing in the world like this before. Now I'm missing you, and I'm wishing you would come back through my door.

Oh, why did you have to go? You could have let me know. So now I'm all alone.

Girl, you could have stayed but you wouldn't give me a chance. With you not around, it's a little bit more than I can stand.

Oh, and all my tears, they keep runnin' down my face. Why did you turn away?

So… you could make a pretty safe assumption as to whom Jeff was referring to in that song. Apparently, I'm not the only one who thought of communicating through song…

So why does your pride make you run and hide? Are you that afraid of me?

But I know it's a lie what you keep inside. This is not how you want it to be.

He sang that part while stealing glances at me. But he stole glances so frequently that he might as well have just stared me down. But those words, those song lyrics, they really made me think. Was I really just hiding from him? A part of me said yes but I still believed I wasn't. I'm not hiding from him. I just needed some time away. But I did agree that it was not how I wanted things to be. I mean, it's fairly obvious what I wanted to happen and clearly, this was far from the goal. But I dunno, I just felt like it was something that needed to be done…

See? This is one of those skills Jeff has over me. He could make me second guess, heck, even triple guess everything. He makes me doubt myself and the decisions I make. It's annoying… He broke into the chorus and it was beautiful, so fucking annoyingly beautiful.

So, baby, I will wait for you. 'Cause I don't know what else I can do.

Don't tell me I ran out of time. If it takes the rest of my life

Baby, I will wait for you. If you think I'm fine it just ain't true.

I really need you in my life. No matter what I have to do, I'll wait for you

That's another thing that annoys me about Jeff. Does he really need to sing a freaking love song? It's just sending so much mixed signals that my mind just explodes on thinking about things. Why couldn't he have just answered my ultimatum? Then everything would have been much easier for us…

I'm no longer going to write the whole lyrics down, just go search for it yourself. But yeah, it was nailing me in all the right places. Oh God that did not sound right…

When Jeff finally finished singing, I felt pretty hollow inside. It's like this huge emotional void opened up inside me and it took away all the foundations I had. The powers of this human called Joseph Sterling… With all these powers and skills he has, I could have easily made him out to be a superhero (or villain…).

Jeff looked pretty emotionally exhausted as he sat back down on the other couch. I couldn't blame him, singing songs like those really take a toll on people.

Next up was Kurt who made some sort of speech for the Warblers. And yes, if you can still recall from my previous letters, Kurt transferred back to his old school and that was the day that he announced it to us. He told us how much staying in Dalton changed his life. How he felt safe and accepted here and how no one ever tried to bully him or single him out for being different, for being gay. But he had to go back to McKinley because he missed his life there. He also told us that he needed to face the real world in all its harshness if he wanted to grow up and evolve. And yes, those were his actual words. I freaking imagined Kurt as a Pokémon because of that. He probably sports a move set of Double Slap, Mean Look, Leer and Hi Jump Kick.

He wanted to dedicate that performance of his to the Warblers and since Blaine couldn't perform a solo due to public demand, he incorporated Blaine in his number, turning it into a duet. He sang the song without even mentioning either the title or the artist but I immediately recognized the lyrics. It was "Say Goodbye" by S Club.

In the years to come, will you think about these moments that we shared?

In the years to come, are you gonna think it over and how we lived each day with no regret.

Kurt nailed Rachel and Jo's part in the song. His countertenor voice soothed the lyrics as easily as the soprano's. Blaine then came in with Jon Lee's part.

Nothing lasts forever though you want it to. The road ahead holds different dreams for me and you.

They reached the chorus and their voices blended well together, it was almost magical. If only they sang that good when they performed Candles then maybe we would have won that year's Regionals.

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny.

Sometimes goodbye though it hurts is the only way now for you and me.

Though it's the hardest thing to say, I'll miss your love in every way.

So say goodbye, oh don't you cry, 'cause true love never dies

We harmonized along with them as they entered the second verse, kinda like what we did for Kurt in Blackbird and it sounded amazing. But when I looked around across the room, not everyone was participating and some of them even wore these bitter, grim faces.

When Klaine was done singing, some applause was shared but there were a few people who looked pissed off and it didn't take much time for one of them to speak up, that person being Stephen. Remember him? He's one of Sebastian's lackeys nowadays and he was the bastard that suggested the rock salt for the slushie… Just to refresh your brain so that his treachery will not be forgotten.

Anyway, he started saying things like Kurt really just used us Warblers. That he just transferred here since he thought we were a winning team. And now that we lost Regionals, he was going back to his old washout glee club. His words, not mine. Jeff's anger got the best of him and he told Stephen to take back what he said to Kurt. And then chaos enveloped the Warbler's room. Wes was trying to restore order but Stephen just wouldn't stop. Then things got physical when Blaine lashed out and pushed Stephen to a wall. Rodney, a new member who was close to Stephen, pushed Blaine away. Blaine tried to punch Rodney but he missed. And a lot more happened after that…

Long story short, a lot of shoving happened which resorted to a lot of furniture being disarrayed (which caused the janitor in charge of that room to quit since he's had enough of our antics… musical sheets being thrown all over the floor, shoe prints on the couches etc…) two blazer sleeves being torn and a Warbler membership suspension for Stephen. But yeah, as you already know, he returned to wreck havoc once more…

I avoided the actual fighting, so did Johnny, and we were the ones who rushed towards Kurt and took him out of the room. He was crying terribly but we tried our best to comfort him. But both Johnny and I knew that only Blaine could stop the Niagara Falls of tears.

The day after that, Kurt didn't show up for his classes. Though he texted me that he was just finalizing his school transfer that day. I asked him if he was alright and he replied with a quick no. But he said that it was probably for the best.

Things were pretty tense at our lunch table that day, so tense that I didn't even fret that I sat beside Jeff. There was an obvious chasm that separated the occupants' table. Wes and David sat in the middle trying to fix things but the problem was still too fresh to be fixed.

After classes, Blaine texted all of us who were on Kurt's side to meet up in the Warbler's room. When we were complete (roughly three-fourths of our usual number), Blaine announced his plan to serenade Kurt back at McKinley for his first day back. Wes was kinda reluctant since that involved cutting classes but due to what happened the day before, we decided that Kurt needed the support of the Warblers that really took him in as a comrade.

We tried to think of the perfect song to serenade with and we ended up with "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane. And the one who suggested it? You've guessed it, it's Jeff (O darn, I did the Dora thing again, I mean the Blue's Clues thing….). Anyway, we plotted a schedule for our secret practices since we really wanted to send Kurt off with style.

Now why did I just jabber away all this Klaine related information? Well aside from it being entirely interesting (well at least I hoped it sparked your interest), the song that was born because of that drama (the one that Jeff suggested) actually played a big part as to how Jeff and I patched things up and stuff…

But yeah, I'll tell you all about it in my next later because I think I have dragged this letter far too long now. Just one last thing to tease you, as we departed from the choir room after we adjourned the meeting, Jeff got near me and whispered to me that he actually didn't think of that song for Kurt. Translation: It was for me. So yeah, something to look forward to, don't you think?

Anyway, thanks for reading again Jackie, especially this lengthy chunk of text. Hope you still enjoy the letters I've been sending to you and I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day (I know I will!).

Signed, Nicholas James Duval