Chapter 10
Anastasia
"Just stop calling me" I glare at the phone in my hands when I reject another phone call from Carla. Checking my phone, I see that my mother has been calling me nonstop. The last thing I want to do now is to talk to her.
My mind keeps going back to the conversation I just had with Christian. And now everything makes sense. His protectiveness of Fee and his fear that someone will take her away from him. The undeniable urge to prove that he is capable of raising her and his harsh words towards me.
Alarm bells were going off in the back of my head when he admitted that he took Fee without alerting the authorities. I believe without a doubt that he fell in love with her the moment he looked into her blue eyes, I also believe him when he admitted that he felt a strong connection. He wanted to save her, just like Grace saved him from a world of pain. She took him in and loved him unconditionally.
Nevertheless, there isn't a reset button. He can't undo what he did, all of his actions will have consequences because I can't stop thinking about Fee and how she is going to react to all of this when she is old enough to understand. This, I am sure, will have a lasting impact on her life. She will always wonder why and she will always wonder if there isn't a relative out there. I hope Christian is prepared for this.
I trust his decision, simply because I love him. And even though I have known him for a very short time, I know that every decision he makes, both in business and personal life, are very carefully and consciously thought out.
I get a tiny smile on my face as I think back at the moment he told me he loved me. He accepts me for me and loves me the way I am. Granted, he doesn't really know the real me yet. He doesn't know how utterly broken I am still inside. But I plan to tell him as soon as possible. It isn't fair to him to keep this away from him. Besides, Phoebe is a part of me and she should be part of him too.
I feel selfish because I should have told him at that moment, only for the reason that I have this fear deep inside me that tells me that one day he is going to discover that I am not as great as he thinks I am. In some way, I can't seem to get those words past my lips. How do you tell the man you love that you lost the one thing you loved most? At this point in our relationship, it is easier to pretend as if I am not irrevocably broken.
Pain, that is what I felt when he shared how it was when he looked at Fee for the first time. Unbearable deep-rooted pain. Then there is this deep-rooted guilt too. No matter what everyone told me, I feel as losing Phoebe was my responsibility. I have thought back at that moment when I slipped from the stairs a million times. Maybe I should have worn shoes, maybe I should have held on to the banister more tightly. Maybe…maybe…maybe. Because I am her mother, I was supposed to protect her, and I failed.
I growl when I hear my phone buzzing again. Curiosity wins and I actually squeal when I see that it is my dad calling.
"Dad!"
"Annie!" He chuckles. "You sound happy!"
I smile while sitting on the edge of my bed. "I am happy, dad. But tell me how was Florida?"
"Hands-down the best saltwater fly-fishing destination in the States! But I don't want to discuss my trip, I want to know who that guy is who had my daughter pressed against his fancy car, and was almost swallowing her face!" I wince at the harshness of his voice and I hope he won't give me the same reaction as my mother did. Deep down inside, I know he won't. He is probably worried and he has always been fiercely protective.
"That's Christian. I am sorry dad, no I am actually not sorry, I love him and he is great. I am sorry about not telling you, though."
"Tell me more about him," He says gruffly.
"Well, like I said, his name is Christian Grey, he is 32 years old. He is the founder of Grey Enterprise Holdings and he has a daughter." I hold my breath and squeeze my eyes tightly.
"Does he treat you well?"
"Yes, he does. He is so sweet dad, and I really wish you could meet him and his daughter. Her name is Fee, and I promise you are going to love her the minute you see her."
"He has a daughter?"
"Yes! And she is the most beautiful girl you've ever seen! It's funny because she has a head full of brown crazy curls! And she is so smart dad!"
"And you love him?"
"Yes, I do. Dad, please he is pretty amazing. Just give him a chance"
He huffs. "You are my little girl. No man is ever going to be pretty amazing in my eyes, with that said, I trust you." Thank God.
"So, when will you be able to come down here and meet him?"
We talk a little while longer and we agree that my dad is coming to visit next week. I can't wait to introduce him to Christian and Fee.
What do wear? What to fucking wear when you are going to meet your boyfriend's parents for the first time? We are talking about Carrick and Grace Grey. I can only imagine what Grace must think of me, so this is my second and last chance to make a good impression. Only dressed in black lace lingerie, I slump on the chair surveying the chaos in my walk-in closet.
My phone starts buzzing on my bed and I quickly jump to my feet and take the call without even looking at the caller-ID.
"Hello"
"Ana?"
"Christian, what's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, but I need you to open the door"
"Wh..what?"
"I said open the door."
"You are standing in front of my door? But you are too early" I whine.
"Baby, open the door" Baby. Every time he calls me baby, this silly collywobbles take residence in my stomach and I get this goofy grin on my face. Squealing I make my way downstairs and run towards the front door still holding the phone tightly against my ear. I feel like an idiot because I haven't even been home for one hour.
"Ana! Don't run" He yells. I roll my eyes and giggle. When I finally reach the hallway I disconnect the call, open the door and for just a few seconds I am speechless when I look into Christian's smiling face. My eyes rake over his body and I have to admit that even though I know what's underneath those clothes, there is something even more enticing about a hot, sexy Christian in a beautifully tailored suit, sunglasses and one day worth of stubble covering his face. He is perfection.
I look behind him searching for Fee and then he wiggles his eyebrows and shakes his head.
"My sister picked Fee up. You probably missed her by seconds. Something about picking out the perfect dress or some girly shit like that"
Squealing, I jump into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist. "I'm glad you're here" I whisper in his ear.
"Fuck, Ana!" He breathes against my neck. "I fucking missed you"
I nod while tightening my hold on his neck. "I missed you too"
"You did?" I nod again and then I feel him walking into the hallway and closing the door.
"Don't want to give Taylor a show" He growls as he looks down at my body. I let him go, reluctantly, when he places me back on the floor. Gently he takes my face in his hands and stares into my eyes.
Taking a deep breath he lowers his face until his lips are brushing against mine. "I love you, Ana."
It is only brief, but I do feel a pang of guilt for not being completely honest with him. Somehow it never seems to be the right time.
"I love you too, Christian" His smile is blinding.
"Okay, so I forgot to tell you that this is a Sparkle themed party" His brow furrows. Say what?
"And you forgot to mention me that little detail?"
"It seems my sister told me, but I tend to filter a lot of stuff she tells me. You see she chatters non-stop, and at some point, I just give up"
"And why aren't you wearing sparkles?"
He grins. "Because it's my party"
"Okay, help me pick out an outfit then? Because I have no clue what to wear."
"If you promise to keep this one on" He brushes his finger over the lace of my black bra. "I want to peel this off tonight"
Entwining my fingers with his I guide him through the house. "You never gave me a tour" He mutters looking up the stairs.
"You've only been here once," I say and tug his hand. "I'll give you a tour another day, okay? I hate to keep your parents waiting"
Christian hums something unintelligible but continues to tag along with me.
"So this is the first floor," I say, waving my hand around with a flourish. "Nothing exciting here, my bedroom is at the end of the hall and the rest are guestrooms"
I tense slightly when we pass Phoebe's bedroom with the heart ornaments hanging from her door. He doesn't comment on it and before I know it we have reached my bedroom.
"What happened here?" He says when we enter my bedroom.
"I told you" I sigh raising my arms in the air. "I didn't know what to wear. What is your sister wearing?" His brow furrows in confusion. Cocking his head to the side he looks at me as if I have grown three heads.
"A green dress? Fuck, Ana, I don't know"
"A green dress….could you be more specific, maybe?"
Chuckling he walks to where I am standing. "My parents are going to love you, Anastasia. It doesn't matter what you wear" He kisses my forehead, turns around on his heels and walks to my bed where he graciously sits down.
"I love your bedroom" He mutters. "It is very elegant, very you," He says locking his eyes with mine.
"Thank you."
"Do you have something to wear with sparkles?" He says spitting out the last word.
"Yes, I believe I have two dresses," I say disappearing into the walk-in closet.
"Okay, I have actually three dresses that I could wear." Walking back from the walk-in closet, I hold them all up and watch Christian's face morph into something I have never seen before.
"That one doesn't have arms" He huffs.
I giggle and look at the strapless dress. "It is called strapless, Christian"
"Not funny and no." He waves his hand in the air dismissing the strapless gown. "Next"
"Okay, then we only have these two"
"They are short" He mutters. "And the black one, they forgot the fabric on the back…wear that silver one"
"Sir," I say rolling my eyes.
"What's this?" Walking towards a chest of drawers her picks up a gift Kate gave me three years ago.
"Every beautiful thing is damaged," I whisper, while I stare at the object in Christian's hands. "Kate gave it to me" I force myself to smile up at him.
"Can you help me with my zipper?" I briskly turn around and I hear Christian placing the heart back on the chest of drawers.
"You don't have to talk about it, Ana. I can see that it makes you sad" He closes my zipper, brushes my hair to the side and kisses the side of my neck. It sends pleasurable shivers down my spine.
"It's called Kintsugi. The Japanese mend a broken object with gold or silver lacquer. They believe that when something suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful" I still have my back turned towards him and I sigh with relief when I feel his arms wrapping around my waist.
"I'm here for you" Turning me around, I press my head against his chest and focus on the steady beating of his heart. "And I am not going anywhere" God, I really hope not, I think and tighten my hold on him. Kissing the top of my head he lets go of me and gives me that perfect, shy smile. Secretly I hope that's the one he keeps reserved for me.
Christian is patiently waiting for me to finish dressing. His eyes scanning my bedroom.
"What's that?" He points to a framed photograph that is half hidden behind the chest of drawers.
"A photograph"
"Can I look?"
"Of course" I shrug and try to get my hair to cooperate.
"Fuck Ana! This is beautiful" He holds the photograph in front of him. His eyes darting from me to picture.
"Why is it here? Why isn't it hanging on one of your walls?"
I snort. "I don't like looking at myself"
"Can I have it?"
"Why?"
His eyes briefly dart to mine before returning to the frame in his hands. "Because I love looking at you. I am going to hang it in my office" Looking at Christian I can't help the smile on my face. So this is how it feels to be truly happy. It is the best feeling ever. To love, and to be loved in return.
"So tell me about your best friend, Kate"
I take a deep breath thinking about the best way to describe my best friend. "Kate is loyal, sweet and caring. People judge her differently, though." He looks at me shortly before returning his eyes back on the road.
"Kate can come across as aloof and cold, but she truly is the opposite."
"I can talk about anything and everything with her. She can look at my facial expression and know exactly what I am thinking. Kate has been with me through thick and thin. She is the best friend I could ever wish for" My eyes linger on his hands gripping the steering wheel.
"I think I should warn you, though. She is probably going to threaten you with cutting off your balls if you hurt me. But she means well."
"I think I can deal with her," He says very matter of fact. Looking out of the window I try to concentrate on the passing scenery, trying to suppress the nerves fluttering around in my belly.
"Don't be nervous," He says placing his hand on my knee. "I promise, my parents are going to love you, Ana" My phone starts buzzing in my hands and I let out a soft groan when I see my mother's name on the screen.
"Shouldn't you pick that up? She has called you…"
"Twenty times," I say rudely cutting him off, desperation clinging to my voice.
"Maybe there is something wrong with her." I roll my eyes and huff. Without answering the phone I put it back in my clutch and lean my head against the leather seat.
"My mother isn't a very pleasant person, Christian. And the last time I spoke to her the conversation was horrible. She is always trying to manipulate me."
"That was when you were in LA, right?"
Closing my eyes tightly I nod. "She told me it was a mistake to date you, she had seen those pictures on the internet. She told me I was being crazy and that I shouldn't get involved with a man who already had a daughter. She told me Fee was a nuisance, that I should focus on my career because it would be over before I knew it."
"You know, I'm amazed she kept me. I've always felt like a burden to her, I just wish that when she married that horrible Morton guy, she would have left me with Ray."
"You were still living with Ray when she hooked up with Morton? They were divorced?"
I snort but feel enormously embarrassed. "No they weren't divorced, my mother cheated on my dad…more than once. He threw her out when he found out about Morton, and the only reason she took me with her was to probably spite my dad. I believe she was always jealous of the close bond we shared."
"Jesus Christ"
I place my hand on Christian's and entwine my fingers with his. "I remember sitting on that plane to Vegas and hoping that maybe being apart from Ray would bring my mother and me closer together, but it only got worse. Every time I did something that I thought would make her proud, she would dismiss it. My mother is very controlling, but that doesn't mean she acknowledged me. When I started modeling she would micromanage everything. She refused to acknowledge my choices, which through the years created a sense of insecurity and helplessness. I believed her for the longest time because she always said that she was doing it for my "own good" because I was simply to inadequate, couldn't be trusted on my judgment and ultimately would fail without her guidance. And I believed her."
When I open my eyes again, I see that Christian has stopped the car. Stepping out he closes the door behind him, rounds the car and opens my door. Unbuckling my seatbelt he lifts me out of the car and holds me against his body, cradling my head.
"You know, I stayed in a relationship because she loved him. She thought he was the perfect guy, even though I knew he was toxic, I basically wanted to make her proud. For once I wanted her to tell me how proud she was of me. The funny thing was, she never did. She gave him attention, loved him…even when he…" I shake my head and take a deep sigh.
"Even when he what, Ana…" Christian's voice sounds terse and hoarse. Slowly I lift my head from his chest to see if he is mad at me.
"Thomas, he was an alcoholic, and he only used me for his career. He had started his modeling career when I met him, but he wanted to become a singer for the longest time, however, he didn't know the right people…" I'm rambling. Why the hell am I thinking telling Christian this?
"Did he hit you, Ana?" His hands are gripping onto my arms and he only let's go when I wince.
"Fuck! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but tell me, did that fucker hit you"
"He did" I whisper.
"Goddamnit!" He grits his teeth and rakes his hands through his hair.
"Please tell me you went to the police, please…"
I silence him by placing my fingers on his lips. "My dad found out and paid him a visit…I never heard from him again. It only happened once…"
"And you think that makes it less important?"
"No, I know that now, but please, it is in the past…"
"What's his name last name?"
"No"
"What's this fucker's last name, Anastasia? Because if you don't tell me I can find out, I will find out…"
"No, please. I don't want to see him, I don't even want to be reminded of him. I don't want to talk about him. I want you and Fee and to focus on our future. I want to go to this party, meet your parents and your siblings. I want you to meet my best friend. And when we get home tonight I want to give you your birthday gift. Please. Promise me you won't contact him, even if you find out his name."
His jaw is still ticking and his eyes are searching my face. The only comforting thing and the fact I know he isn't mad at me is because he is soothingly rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles.
"Please, Christian." Brushing my hand against his cheek he smiles and leans his head into my touch.
"Our future?" He says softly. Swiftly the tension has left his face and replaced by that shy smile.
"Yeah, our future."
"Come let's get this over with then, so I can get my present" He winks playfully.
"Relax" He squeezes my hand softly while we are waiting at his parent's front door. I can see he is suppressing a smile. Yeah, let's see how much he smiles when he gets to meet my dad.
"Hello, darling congratulations" Christian's mother greets us at the door, he eyes filled with love and warmth as she hugs Christian. She really loves him. He is incredibly lucky to have a mother like Grace.
"Welcome, Anastasia." She engulfs me in a warm embrace and kisses my cheek. "You look absolutely beautiful"
"Thank you, Mrs. Grey"
"It's Grace and wait until you see Fee," Her eyes linger on my hair and she takes a strand between her fingers, a small frown on her face. "I love your hair"
A tall, distinguished and very handsome looking gentleman joins us in the hallway.
"Congratulations, Christian" He shakes Christian's hand, claps him playfully on his shoulder and pulls him in for a hug.
"Thank you. Dad, this is Anastasia Steele, my girlfriend. Ana, this is my father Carrick Grey"
"Mr. Grey, it is a pleasure to meet you"
"Anastasia, a beautiful name for a beautiful girl," He says taking my hand in his and kissing my knuckles. He winks at me. "And please call me Carrick"
Christian
Ana immediately relaxes when she hears Fee. "Daddy! Ana! Look what I got!"
"Wow, that's a big octopus" Ana sits down on her haunches as she takes Fee's hand in hers.
"Yes! Her name is Ms. Ink and Grandpa bought it for me!"
"I think Ms. Ink is a very appropriate name for an octopus." Fee nods her head, but then her eyes fall on Ana's dress.
"Look at your dress! We look like twins!" Running around the octopus she stands before Ana and lifts her dress.
"Your dress is absolutely amazing! Ana says. "You look so pretty, Fee"
"I have lots and lots of things to tell you" Fee places her hands on Ana's face, forcing her to look at her.
"I can't wait to hear everything you have to tell me" Ana kisses Fee's cheek and tugs a wayward curl behind her ear.
"Where is my idiot brother?" I whisper to my mother who can't keep her eyes off Ana and Fee.
"He is showing Kate the grounds," She says her eyes still strained on Ana. I am barely able to suppress a snort. Showing her the grounds, yeah sure, he is probably 'showing' her the boathouse. As if on cue there is a commotion coming from the living room. I roll my eyes. There is only one person who is able to make that much noise and get away with it. My brother.
"Oh my god! A giant octopus invaded this house! Oh no!" He yells and pulls Fee to his chest and starts jumping around with her in his arms.
Fee is bouncing up and down and her smile and laughter are infectious as she clings on to my brother.
Elliot suddenly stops and stares at Ana. His eyes grow wide and then a mischievous grin forms on his face. With Fee still in his arms, he pulls Ana into an embrace. "I'm Elliot" he winks when he finally lets her go. "And you must be the very lovely Ana. I've heard so much about you."
"It is lovely to meet you, Elliot" Ana giggles which make me roll my eyes. I pull her towards me and kiss the top of her head.
"I have so many stories to tell you about my idiot brother here growing up. You know what, I think now is the best time to tell you about the litter box…"
"No!" Elliot behave!" My mother says firmly.
"Yes, mother" He kisses my mother's cheek.
"I'll tell you later, it is hilarious" With that, he turns around and starts screaming about giant octopuses invading the house.
After all the introductions have been done and I see Ana talking with my brother and dad, with Fee holding tightly on her hands, my mouth automatically pulls into a smile. They love her like I knew they would.
I watch as Kate makes her way towards me. Smiling she raises her champagne glass to me. "Happy birthday"
"Thank you, Kate"
"Ana is not a very open person," She says pinning me down with her green eyes. "She is usually quiet and doesn't like attention, and that's weird considering her job." She takes a slow sip of her champagne, her eyes never leaving mine. It is in that moment I realize that I like Kate, simply because she has Ana's best interest at heart. She is a true friend. "So if she likes you enough to show you the real her, open her heart to you, you must be pretty special. And that makes me like you. But don't make me not like you" Her eyes dart off to Ana and Fee.
"I love her," I say looking down at the champagne glass in my hand. "I want to make her happy. What I have with Anastasia is real." I don't know why I feel the need to impress this woman, but I do. Normally I could give two fucks about what she thinks of me, or what anyone else thinks of me, but knowing that Kate is a very important aspect in Ana's life, makes her important to me too.
"Good, because if you hurt her, I promise you will be eating through a straw for the rest of your life."
"Duly noted, but I have no itentiont to hurt her" I tell her firmly.
Anastasia
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" The moment I nod my head, Kate is pulling me away to the backyard. We pass a huge kitchen where a girl with blonde hair and pigtails is stirring into a pan.
"What's wrong?"
"Ana…did you take a good look at Fee?"
"Of course I have…" Her hold on the champagne glass tightens.
"Kate, what's wrong?"
"Ana, Fee looks exactly like you" She breathes. She eyes me carefully, probably afraid that I will lose my shit.
"How much have you been drinking, Kate," I say playfully and point with my chin to the glass in her hand.
Rolling her eyes, she empties her glass. "This is my first one" Carefully she places the now empty glass on a table and takes a deep breath. Oh shit. This is not good.
"You have to listen to me, sweetie. Because I don't want to hurt you, but the moment I saw Fee, Ana it was if I was looking into your eyes." I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this moment. But this all-consuming pain has taken hold of my chest. As I look into my best friends eyes, I feel like all the air is leaving my longs, as if someone is pressing me against my throat and slowly sucking the life out of me.
"Kate, please…"
"Ana, I have been looking at her, her facial expression, the way she crinkles her nose, her eyes…Jesus Ana, the way her eyes lit up when she smiles…"
"Shut up…"
"Ana…"
"I said shut the fuck up, Kate. My Phoebe is dead. She is gone. She is never, ever coming back again."
She takes a step forward and I see the tears pooling in her eyes. "I don't want to hurt you, Ana…"
"But you are. Kate, you were there, Phoebe is dead."
"But I wasn't there, Ana. And you were unconscious…where is her birth certificate, where is her death certificate…"
"SHUT UP!" I yell. I push her away when she steps closer and shake my head. "Don't come closer. Do not speak about Phoebe again. Fee is Christian's…"
"Fee is adopted" She rushes to say. "Elliot told me. Elliot also told me that she was a foundling. Ana, your mother…"
"I know that Carla isn't the best mother in the world, but she wouldn't do something so cruel…"
"Carla is the most toxic person I've ever met. Everything she does…"
"I don't want to discuss my mother, and I don't want to talk about Phoebe. And you know why, Kate?"
She nods her head, the tears freely falling over her cheeks. "Because it hurts. It hurts to think about the fact that I will never be able to hold her. I will never be able to kiss her soft cheeks. I will never be able to count all her little fingers and toes and tell her how much she is loved. It fucking hurts, Kate"
"I know. God Ana, I know…but can't you see the resemblance. Your dad…he has that huge picture in the living room…Ana, when I walked in this afternoon and she saw Elliot and gave him that big bright smile, it was if I was looking at that pictures at your dad's…"
"I want you to fucking stop talking, Kate. For once in three years, I can truly say that I am happy. Christian makes me so happy. Being around Fee makes me happy too."
"Call your mother, ask her what happened. Ask her why there aren't any pictures of your little girl…" The anger, the hurt, and the pain are indescribable and before I know what I am doing my hand is stinging. I did what I never imagined doing. I slapped my best friend across her face.
Shocked we both look into each other's eyes. Seconds turn into minutes and I watch how she slowly raises her hand to her cheek.
"Kate..."
She silences me with a single shake of her head. "I…I deserved that…It was never my intention to hurt you." She sobs and wipes the tears from her face. "I love you, Ana…you are like the sister I never had, and that is the reason why I needed to tell you."
"I'm sorry, Kate" I look down in shame.
"I'm happy you are happy. You deserve to be happy" She says silently. When I look back up Kate has taken a few steps back and is looking into the house.
"Please, tell Elliot I got a call from work. Tell him I had to leave." She turns around on her heels and I watch my best friend walking away. Somehow I am incapable of doing anything. It feels like my body has shut down. I keep staring into the distance and I can say with complete honesty that I hate this feeling. I feel so empty. I am not happy, I am not sad. My mind is spinning, but I am unable to feel anything. I am numb.
Author's note: I can't thank you enough for the positive feedback on this story. You have no idea what that means to me.
I know you are very eager for Ana to tell Christian about her Phoebe, but I am asking you to have patience.
There probably won't be an update next week since I will be out of town.
Thank you all for reading!
XOX