HELLO GORGEOUS! I know I know, I should be beaten over a rock for how long it's been. I'm not even going to bore you all with my excuses. Just know I'm back. FOR real. I actually just hope somebody out there still reads this. So anyways, I'm sure I'm a little rusty but just like any old fling, after the first few awkward backseat rendezvous', the fires heat up and things get smooth. Especially when we're talking about my sassy little piece of man meat. Anyways…back to business.
:: As always, Mrs. Meyer…you are the chef in this 5 star kitchen. I'm the just the pastry che…scratch that. I'm the guy who washes the dishes. Please don't hate a playa just trying to cover your werewolf in chocolate and penutbutter. He's a filthy boy. He needed a little peanutbutter.
******************8*****************************Solitaire*****************************************************
I waited till she was completely focused on the road. Good and distracted. My assault needed to be a surprise. With no attempt to defend herself. Like a wolf-ninja stalking his prey.
I crept my hand onto her thigh. That's right sweetie. Just think I'm caressing your leg with affection. Absolutely no hint of sneekyness. She shifted her weight on the wheel, like she thought she could just ignore her way out of it. Oh no baby. The hand snuck a little closer to her heat and she giggled and slapped it away.
"Nooo" she smiled and mouthed to me while adding a "w" sound to the end. I wasn't taking no for an answer right now. I snuck in again and put my face a little closer to her neck.
"Baby, not now"
"Come on…I can do it quick." Even if it's her pleasure, I was begging more for myself than trying to convince her. Just feeling her do that almost does it for me.
"I don't wanna…ya know, in my panties. I have to wear these all day."
"No problem babe. We'll just finish this…" I nuzzled my face into her neck and then put my fingers back up her shorts." And then we'll just pop these puppies off. I'll even take them for safe keeping. Don't worry about it."
No she finally giggled with her mouth but her eyes were just begging me to disagree. I retreated for now. Alright little vixen. We'll play your way for now. Just wait till later. You'll be no match for the ninja.
I helped her carry this big box of stuff inside. So prepared, my little girl scout. Who knows what stuff she's brought with her to entertain the 7; yes I say 7 hellions of the Abram's clan. My girl was a trooper. After she was greeted at the door by the girls, (already wearing tutus over their clothes) I followed her inside. Out of nowhere, Colin shoved his oversized, homosexual tendencied arm across the door frame to stop my advance.
"Pay the toll, asswipe." It's really a mystery why women don't regularly throw their underwear at him. I rolled my eyes and took my parcel out of the back of my pants, where I'd been hiding it from Kimmy. I unrolled it and displayed it in front of my chest.
"November. 2005. Special edition…In bed with the girls next door." Porn meant nothing to me now. But this wasn't just porn. This was practically an antique. A piece of priceless Playboy history. Something I would have passed down to my many, many sons someday. But easily worth trading in exchange for Collin to keep is wide open pie hole closed about our little joint-sitting venture. His mom being besties with Hannah and the info no doubt finding its way back to her. He tried not to look as pleased as he really was and retreated back to his room to do God knows,… well actually everyone knows what.
My Kimby was super responsible about her duties. There wasn't nearly as much Jared loving as I was hoping for. But any time with my precious was the best time I always had. Everyone had a snack of peanut butter apples and popcorn. Everyone except Alex (the second youngest) who insisted on fruit snacks shaped like dinosaurs. We played red light green light for a straight fucking hour and then Kim suggested watching something along the Disney route while playing Old maid with the older ones. She was so great with kids. My mind always seemed to wander to what she would look like with ours. And then it would wander to what she would look like when we made ours. AHH not here, not here. Ok. The dentist. Dead puppies. Come on little Jared anything, anything. And then, voila. Collin, and his almost identical brother Briston, playing what looks like a one on one game of dodgeball. Unable to decide which one looks like a bigger douche, I became perfect and deflated. Just in time for Kimmy of course, to sneak over and tell me it was the time I told her to remind me of when it was now.
Fowled again! Even though it was only late afternoon, in my fantasy of this day all the children would be tucked into bed and I would be getting her naked on the kitchen counter, telling her what a naughty babysitter she was. In real life though, I had patrol in an hour. She walked me to the door and I pouted a little as she kissed me goodbye. Then, like a birthday surprise, she grabbed hold of my dick and whispered "tonight" in my ear. I was in such pleasant shock I couldn't say anything to her as she scurried back into the family room just in time for Aladdin to do something I don't care about right now. I was half way down the driveway before I could formulate words again. I extended my hands and looked at the sky.
Thank you Jesus.
I decided to jog over to Paul's place. We had patrol in an hour and I wanted some Oreos. His cousin's truck was gone and I didn't see the kids anywhere. He must be home alone. We don't knock at each others houses so when I walked in I could smell how not alone he was. I knew from the rattling around of furniture that he was in his grandma's room. It wouldn't be the first time I caught him plugging in there. Sometimes he has sex in his grandma's room if she's not there because his bed is the size of stick of gum. I peeked around the corner and just saw him standing at her dresser, obviously looking for something. He knew I was there and said hey to me over his shoulder.
"Risky isn't it? Not putting away your toys right after you've played with them?"
"Gramps is gone all day. Lucas took her to Walla. They won't be back till tonight." Ah, every second Sunday of the month, his grandma took cookies to his dad in prison. Yup, there are layers to this kid that you have no idea. Normally nothing more than different colored condoms, but layers none the less. And then I saw Amy, or at least an ugly blow doll that looked like her, sleeping and tangled in the fitted sheet that had probably been ripped off the mattress during their last round. By the smell of things, I'd say she'd org'ed about 15 minutes ago. To think I'd barely missed out on her screaming Paul's name and begging him to "cum hard the way she likes it". Poor me. And then I realized he had a towel wrapped around his waste like he just got out of the shower. He was having regular sex with this girl and the thought of even having her sweat linger on him disgusted him enough to bath directly after. But I still couldn't get over the sprawled out, slutty bag of trash that was face down and half snoring in the middle of the room as he riffled through his grandma's sock drawer. He noticed me cocking an eyebrow at her and then looked where I was looking. He turned back around like he expected something more interesting to take my attention.
"Same hole, different day." He shrugged, nonchalantly.
After getting over the absurdity of the scene before me, I took a seat in the folding chair sitting next to the night stand with all the pills. I rested my hands behind my head, propped my feet up on the end of the bed, and genuinely giggled at the sight of Paul going about his business as if the passed out naked girl was just another piece of furniture.
"So I guess this (pointing up and down her body) is still chugging away?" He looked up from the drawer he was currently rummaging through and rolled his eyes at me in the reflection of the mirror. He closed the drawer and started tossing another one around.
It was a few minutes before we spoke to each other again. He had moved on to the shoeboxes at the top of the closet. I had found a deck of cards wedged under an economy bottle of osteoporosis supplements. At first I just shuffled them back and forth in my hands, but then laid them out in front of me on a spot of mattress a few inches away from her face. Even if I wasn't in love with the most perfect girl in the world, I just don't understand how this prostitute creature was supposed to be appealing. Here she was on her stomach. Hair tangled and face smashed into the bed. What was once probably a pound and a half of caked on-Dollar store eye makeup, is now nothing but crusty crack whore raccoon eyes, making her look like the black-eyed battered wife she aspires to be. I swear that if she's still asleep by the time I finish this game of solitaire, slut is getting sharpie dick'd right on the forehead. Then Paul picked up a box under a pile of clothes and looked defeated.
"Oh ….sweet twat of a virgin!" He brought the box over to the end of the bed and dumped out hundreds of receipts, envelopes, photocopy's, notes on napkins, etc. He slumped his shoulders so that his arms hung down and leaned his head back in agony. He started sifting through the mess as I hit a tough spot in my game of Solitaire. Sleeping Butt-Ugly stirred a little and groaned. We both looked over like we had forgotten she was in the room. Mostly annoyed that she couldn't just pack up and leave as soon as Paul was finished like a good lil' roll in the hey. Already willing to forget she existed, both in the room and in general, we went back to our tasks.
"So what's the big fucking Easter egg hunt for." I asked as I pulled the fourth Queen from the pile.
"Got a call. Said we're late on the electricity. I think the midgets' child support check is in here somewhere."
Oh my little Pauly-wally. His grandmother's declining health was the main reason we kept her in the dark. She was starting to forget things. Just small things and doing crazy old people stuff. A few weeks ago, Paul got off patrol and found her stir-frying a pair of Betsy's socks. Once she even leaned over the table to me and told me that Kim had kind eyes. Eyes that can take pain away she said. His grandma then very seriously smiled and told me that she was the most precious thing I'd ever have. I couldn't agree more with the old bag. Of course, a few minutes later she started getting ready for a date that she claimed she had with Cary Grant that night. Crazy she may be, but the bitch knows her shit. The kind of old lady that sometimes accidentally cleans the windows with mouthwash, but during her lucid moments can cure scarlet fever with a homemade remedy of onions and yard weeds. Besides, she's still right. There's nothing more perfect in the world than my Kimberley. Props to the sweet old nut case.
Paul put on some boxers. I pulled another card . A fucking Jack? Where the Hell am I suppose to put this?
"So this party, what did Sam finally decide?" I settled for laying the useless card on top of WeWillyHerpe's left eye, like a patch. Making the internal joke that she now truly looked like a dirty pirate hooker.
"Oh?…" He looked up from a legal looking document and then looked instantly bored. "Ya know Jake." He made a jerking off motion with his hands. "Willing to go into the belly of the fucking beast just for a little spank bank material." He rifled a little more and then started skimming another envelope for the check he was looking for. "Sam hasn't decided yet. But Embry's against it all the way. Sam's on the fence…for now." I hadn't had a shift with Jacob since before he got bitch slapped. But apparently he wanted to go to this Cullen gay-rave now. Wanted to stroll right up to their haunted house and eat fucking cheese puffs with deer blood dip. We just couldn't seem to talk him out of it.
"Geez Jake, what a pussy punching bag." Paul nodded his agreement with me but we were both so bored with this subject. We were, undoubtedly, thinking the same thing. We probably wanted him to go more than not, just so he could start the fight we would get to assist in and then finish once and for all. If Jake wants to waltz into the fucking Deathstar and do the electric slide, then by all means. As long as the result is us getting to tear apart some bloodbags that's fine by me. But new subject. If we talked about this anymore I might kill myself. We both got up and started looking through the living room.
"So…Natalie then, your battle plan?"
He stopped what he was doing at the mention of little miss ladyBrady. Then he closed his eyes in prayer and held his hands out like he was holding two imaginary watermelons.
Still with his eyes closed. "Mmmm…the things I would lick off her ass."
"I figured."
"I'll definitely get around to it. Those tits are just screaming to be fucked. I give it 8 min before you hear her calling me daddy on all fours."
"She's a little young to be butt fucking dude."
"Ehh, you know what I always say. If there's grass on the field,… play with my balls."
…"You really are gunna rot in some kinda sluty hell you know."
"As long as the chicks are hot."
I'd moved on to a stack of messy magazines and reader's digests next to the recliner. He started looking through some scattered papers on top of the microwave.
"All this is chop talk anyway. I know something's going on with Kim. You only think about Nickelodeon shows on patrol when you're trying to hide something from me."
"Oh, you're full of shit"
"Please! I listened to you think about 6 consecutive episodes of Are you afraid of the Dark last night. Which means its something wet and juicy isn't it?" I wasn't going to be able to hide this from him forever. We are bromantically involved.
"A gentleman doesn't cum and tell."
"Oh man. You finally baked the sausage didn't you? I knew you were too fucking smug. So what's the deal? Does she fuck dirty? I bet she fucks dirty." I gave him the stink eye out of automatic reaction. It's just his nature to be filthy. But BF or not, I don't like anybody talking about my princess with a mouth full of shitjizz. I took a minute to calm down and smooth my face out.
"Well no….but her and little Jared came to an understanding. And by understanding, I mean her mouth around him."
"Nice."
"Yea. It was all her. And completely fantastic."
"But you'd say that even if she'd hoovered."
"Well she didn't. But you're right. It's just ….different. It was the best times a million. I can't even explain how good it felt. You'll know someday. And when you're licking up that hairy old lady pussy that was meant for you, you'll think it's the best too."
"Pffff. The day this dick goes monogamous is the same day I fangbang a Cullen." I took a break from searching and headed into the kitchenette.
"Well at least you're keeping your options open." I took a swig from the milk carton I'd gotten out of the fridge. "But do you think you'd have to be the bear cub in this situation? Cause the big black haired one's kinda beefy." I smiled. He sucker punched me in the gut. Then he reached behind him to the counter he was leaning on for the cookies.
"Oh right, pretend you wouldn't be on your knees sucking a big dead corpse cock if…Kimby asked you to. Because you would in a sec…." He looked surprised and then turned around and yelled "Hey-Oh!" the way people shout when they've sunk an impossible free throw. Then, ever so slowly, he pulled a folded envelope out of the ceramic lighthouse cookie jar.
"Well punt a cunt!" His grandma really was off her rocker.
"Thank God. Last time we had candles for three days and Nicky set the end of the couch on fire with a burning marshmallow."
That was it for a while. We both had a cookie and stood pleased with ourselves in silence. Most of the time we didn't have to say anything. That's why we got along so well. I would never let him see it in my thoughts, but you had to feel sorry for the guy. I mean nobody around here had money. But Paul's little thrown together family had shit. My mom always found ways to accidentally make extra meatloaf or lasagna that was just going to go to waste because we couldn't possibly eat it all ourselves. Even Mr. Casados would trade Betsy and Nicky an ice cream cone for interesting rocks they'd find on the ground. He was a dick, sure. But when you've been kicked around your whole life like Paul has, you'd be quick to furplode the first time some vamp-loving bitch punches you in the face too.
He went to the closet sized room he shared with Lucas on the other side of the trailer, probably to get some pants. I finished the carton of milk and washed my hands. Just like every time I'd been to his house, the mug with a picture of 4 year old Paul and his dad sitting on the back of a truck was looking at me. She had it sitting on the window sill next to a kitchen timer, so she could look at it everyday when she did the dishes. It was the same way people proudly displayed the ugly glazed ashtrays their kids brought home from art class. And sadly, it was the only evidence of his dad Paul let openly exist. All the other photographs, baseball gloves, and reminders, he'd packed away long ago. Through the stages of loss, blame, and currently; apathy. It had been two years since he'd even gone to visit him. Lucas had to take his grandmother every month now. There was a pain only visible in the far depths of his mind that he would never actually let anyone know about . But since we were all privy to it regardless, no one ever brought it up. As he grew up and knew that people like my dad and Billy Black existed, I guess it's easy to realize how much you don't need someone that isn't any good for you. So this was all that was left of a father that was never there. A box of hidden away birthday cards and old flannel shirts….and a fucking homemade coffee mug.
He came back out with cut off shorts on, and looked puzzled and disgusted towards his grandma's room.
"What are you gunna do about that?" I asked and nodded towards her room like I was talking about a bag of unwanted clothes."
"Hell if I care. Probably just wrap her up like dishes in a table cloth and fling her out in the yard." I chuckled. Because I was only 35% sure he was kidding.
And that's when we heard it. A whispery and pathetic kitten like voice, scratchy and horse from still half sleeping. Trickling out of the bedroom from a naked, face down, pirate whore. It was like a formal, notarized letter of resignation. In those few little words she had solidified the giant "GAME OVER" sign flashing across Paul's horrified face.
"Pauly? Are you there? Come back and cuddle baby."
I hope you enjoyed the ride little lady. Because this is a non-stop, non-return flight to FUCKING ANYWHERE BUT HERE. All passengers take your seats and never expect to be called or even acknowledged ever again. Please enjoy the complimentary peanuts while we burn all the sheets you've ever touched. And make sure your tray tables are in their upright and locked position so we can roll you out of the house and lock the door behind you. On behalf of your entire flight crew, we thank you for flying United because in two weeks he won't even remember your name.
Bon voyage, Amy the SuperSkank.
*** Come on fellow Jared lovers. Let me know you still care***