"Okay then, can you just show me your certification?" Luckily (unluckily in Sorano's opinion) he hadn't gotten close enough to Kurusu to start throttling him before the officer asked that question. Inwardly Sorano started doing his happy dance. Then Smith seemingly teleported to their location, arriving completely out of left field without any warning. That could only mean one thing. Sorano was screwed. "No problem, I've got that right here."
Sorano only had one response to that. "Objection!" He pointed his finger accusingly at Smith. Her sunglasses slipped down to her nose, revealing her perplexed expression. "Excuse me?" "There's no way you could possibly have gotten that so quickly." A smug grin plastered itself on Sorano's face. Somehow still noticeable despite being covered by bandages. He crossed his arms confidently. Checkmate biatch. When Smith pulled the card out Sorano almost collapsed in shock. He managed to resist though, instead scowling deeply at the object in her hand.
The ride back home was uncomfortable. The seemingly autistic harpy was way too excited. Because of this his she was spazzing out the whole ride back, constantly elbowing the person next to her. Sorano was unfortunately that person. He'd insisted on it. Muttering something along the lines of "Can't let a pedophile sit next to the retard. Don't know what would happen." It took Kurusu a few seconds to realize he was the one being labeled a pedophile. That didn't help his self-esteem any.
The entire trip was awkward. Kurusu looked quite ashamed. Sorano looked constipated. Miia looked like she was going to flip out. Smith looked like she wanted something stronger to drink than coffee. All were deathly quiet. Except the blue harpy apparently named Papi. She was ecstatic and made no attempt at hiding it.
Sorano eventually decided it was best to have grown-up talk. "I will now begin to list my demands." A smile grew on Smith's face. "Demands?" Sorano looked at her in the backseat mirror. He appeared to have gotten serious. "I want a raise." Smith couldn't help herself, she laughed. The harpy joined in without knowing why she was laughing. She quickly shut up when Sorano looked at her with a copy of the look he'd given Miia after the coffee incident. Smith continued, ignoring the possibility of a homicide occurring in the backseat. "You haven't even gotten your first paycheck?!"
Sorano put on his poker face. It was a rather good one too. "Raise, or bonus. One or the other." Smith couldn't help but question him. "Do you even know how much you're going to be paid?" Crickets chirped in the backseat. No, Sorano had no idea how much he was going to be paid. He hadn't really paid attention to it. Now it was biting him in the ass. Smith had to continue. She needed to slaughter him. Metaphorically of course. There was a limit to what she'd put up with. Sorano was getting dangerously close to pushing that limit.
"What makes you think you deserve one?" Smith's tone was equal parts condescending and curious. It seemed to her that Sorano was simply doing this out of spite. She wasn't exactly incorrect with that assumption. The look Sorano gave her in the mirror spoke volumes. His answer was wordless, but that didn't take any weight away from it. You don't know what kind of shit I deal with. My 'job' is to give this kid blue balls. "You're adding more on my plate. That means you pay me more."
Smith snickered at this. "Or? I could deport you." A frown formed on Sorano's face at the not-so-subtle threat. "You didn't deport the harpy." Smith tutted at him. "Believe it or not she's been less of a pain than you." Miia couldn't help but chuckle at that. She once again was granted the Look. She too shut up, sitting next to Papi, both of them perfectly still.
"Also, I want a pipe. A Peterson. Briar wood, obviously." He said this as if it were common knowledge that briar wood was most often used for making pipes. It wasn't. No one in the car even knew what the hell a Peterson was. "I would appreciate it if you could acquire some tobacco for me as well." Kurusu was the one who replied. "You smoke?" Sorano turned to look at him, his expression unreadable. "I quit several years ago." Well, 'several decades ago' would be more accurate.
"It's not a good habit to pick up again." Smith frowned at Sorano from the mirror. She spoke as if she had experience with such a thing. He grunted in response. "With all the shit I'm dealing with, I'll need something to give me a buzz." Smith scoffed at him. "I guess you'd be an alcoholic if you had my job then." Sorano just shrugged. "Probably would." His tone was completely honest, something that threw off everyone in the car.
There was a momentary pause, and then Smith replied, her tone unsure. "As much as I don't want to, I can probably get you a pipe." She couldn't help but sigh, she felt like she was enabling the man. He still had those periods of coughing that uneased her. Starting up smoking again wouldn't do him any good. There was no arguing with him though. He was dead set on this. For some reason.
"And tobacco?" Another sigh from the front seat. "Sure." "How 'bout a lighter too? A Zippo." Smith merely grunted at this. At this point everyone else in the car had gotten bored with Sorano's list of demands. Papi had already nodded off. "Gold-plated please. Oh and stick some diamonds on it, Sorano likes his bling bling."
Smith slammed on the brakes. The car skidded to a complete stop, right in the middle of the road. More than a few cars honked their horns in protest. Smith ignored them all, and instead of moving she was violently tapping her index finger against the steering wheel. This entire car ride he had been teetering dangerously close to the edge. For years he had played with her mental health. He enjoyed tormenting her, but he'd always show some semblance of compassion and earnestness at the last second, just before she snapped.
That was Sorano's way. He played with people. Skipping over their boundaries. Swapping back and forth between hated and loved. Social norms meant nothing to him. Bluntness and apathy were his greatest weapons. He was a master at the art of annoyance. But he usually was capable of holding back. Of knowing when to stop, when enough was enough and his target was beginning to break. Now however, Sorano had made an egregious error. He had pushed the joke too far.
"So, uh, is that a no on the bling bling?" Of all the times to speak, for some reason Sorano had deemed it fit to comment at that moment. Smith's head slowly turned to face the backseat. The angle at which it turned caused a different reaction for each of her passengers.
Miia was currently wondering why they couldn't just drive home in peace, instead of having this ridiculous conversation.
Papi was just starting to wake up from the sudden stop. And what a sight to wake up to. A woman wrenching her neck at an odd angle, glaring daggers, and frowning deeply.
Kurusu had started worrying Smith was going to end up having a pain in her neck. Turning one's head that suddenly couldn't be healthy. Sadly Smith already did have such a pain. It even had a name. Sorano.
Said neck pain was wondering if Smith had become possessed. The way in which her neck twisted reminded him of the Exorcist. She can't seriously be pissed with me over this? This is nothing compared to when I called her a failed abortion of a Matrix reference. Sorano made one mistake. He was thinking back to a time when Smith was simply a government worker. She was no longer just a simple government worker. Now she was an overworked government official.
"You'll get whatever's at the convenience store." Sorano raised his hand in the air. As if he were in kindergarten asking the teacher a question. "Can I have lighter fluid too?" Smith's frown grew in intensity. "I'll fill it up for you. I'm not giving you excess flammable liquid without supervision." Sorano just grunted at her. "Like I don't know how to fill a lighter on my own. I was smoking when you were just a sperm cell in your father's balls, human."
If he hadn't said this, the car might have started to move again. Instead Smith put it in park. Then she unbuckled and turned completely around in her seat. In this position she had a clear view on the bandaged man. He was pouting like a child, or at least she assumed he was judging from the contours of his mouth. Oh, and he was holding Kurusu in front of him like a shield.
Obviously Miia had something negative to say about this. So did Papi for that matter. Though she was taking it as more of a game. How did Sorano respond to Miia's complaints? He grabs her by her left breast (as it was the largest and closest object in his general proximity). For some reason grabbing her boob caused it to squeak like a dog's chew toy. Odd. Miia couldn't help but utter a startled squeal at the unwanted physical contact. Thankfully the squeal Miia let loose wasn't one of delight. That would have been awkward. However, that wasn't the end of her discomfort. Sorano had grabbed her for a reason besides mere sexual assault. He needed a projectile.
Had Miia not unbuckled in order to lay the whoop down on Sorano she might have been completely fine. Instead she was launched at Smith's with a surprising amount of force. She collided head first into Smith's forehead. This in itself would have been infuriating for both participants, however the situation was exacerbated when a fellow motorist started pounding on the driver's side window.
Apparently the man had gotten tired of honking and had decided to actually confront the idiot who parked in the middle of the road. A ballsy move indeed, the vehicle was clearly a government one, and yet the man still had the courage to criticize Smith's stupidity. If the windows weren't tinted he would have had a clear image of what was going on inside. And what was going on?
Well Miia was currently pressed firmly against Smith, they're lips practically touching. Smith was trying desperately to move Miia away from her. Something that was easier said than done when you consider that not only did Miia weigh a ton, but they were in a vehicle. Which didn't exactly allow for Smith to wiggle herself out from under the dazed lamia.
Papi was trying to playfully peck at Sorano's hand. Albeit without a beak she wasn't really doing much in the way of pecking. Regardless, her feathers were definitely ruffled. Kurusu was suffocating in Sorano's chokehold, just like Smith he was stuck in a predicament he couldn't really escape from.
And Sorano? Well he was laughing. Very much so. He was also coughing. Very much so. "Oh, and give the kid a raise too. He deserves it!"
Upon arriving home everyone silently rushed to depart the vehicle. Smith didn't even wait for a farewell, instead immediately going into reverse and gunning the car back out of the driveway. Sorano just had enough time to blow her a kiss goodbye.
"Well, that was fun." "Speak for yourself." Miia's exhausted sigh hinted at the mental state she was in. Kurusu tried his best to stay optimistic. His best was a forced grin. Only Papi was capable of being cheery, completely forgetting the disaster that was the ride home. The girl was practically jumping in excitement.
She was also cheering like the most fanatic of football fans. Sorano had long since stuffed gauze into his ears to mute the screaming banshee. Correction. Screaming harpy. She's definitely got a few screws lose. Then again don't all harpies? Sorano couldn't help but shudder when he remembered the last time he'd encountered a harpy. And that is why I will never go skydiving again.
The group filed into the house one by one, Papi charging ahead of them. "Smith never even confirmed this was her new home." Miia couldn't help but sigh again. Things were going to get even more hectic. "I'm sure that's what Smith had intended. She wouldn't have left her with us if she didn't." Sorano couldn't help but metaphorically raise an eyebrow at Kurusu's reply.
One question was in his mind. Why is he allowing this? To anyone else, the answer would be simple. Kurusu was just that kind. But to Sorano, Kurusu's words rekindled an old suspicion. He's slowly building a harem! Yes. That was his first conclusion. Unfortunately it was actually the reality of the situation. This was an unforeseen consequence of Kurusu's kindness. He was the dreaded harem protagonist. Girls clinging to him constantly, but perpetually oblivious to their feelings. The man was in limbo.
"I'm going to be able to be with my husband! All the time!" A choking sound came from Sorano. Papi was clinging to Kurusu, nuzzling her chin into his shoulder. Kurusu, bless his poor soul, was completely dumbfounded. The sap didn't know how to respond, so he just awkwardly scratched his head. "Let's take a bath, husband! We can continue from where we left off earlier!" Sorano practically fainted. Things were escalating far too quickly.
There was a sudden silence in the room when both Papi and Kurusu realized Miia was probably going to harshly object to this. Yes, Miia, lay your husbando straight! Sorano's hopes were dashed when Miia responded. "Sure, go ahead! Have fun with Papi, Darling!" A dazzling smile adorned her face. "SHE GAVE CONSENT?!" Sorano's anguished cry shattered any pleasant mood the room might have been in.
The bandaged liminal marched right up to Kurusu. "Call this number!" He handed his requisitioned cell phone and a slip of paper to the stunned human. "Ok?" Kurusu couldn't help but glance at the number in his confusion. "Wait… isn't this child protective services?!"
"You're damn right it is, you kiddy fiddler!" Sorano was upset. Really upset. So upset, that wasn't even going to give Kurusu the benefit of the doubt. The entire thing was one huge misunderstanding. For one crucial reason. One that was going to become known.
The phone started vibrating. Kurusu hadn't made a move to call anyone. Sorano didn't even know it was on. The number was familiar. It was the one they had called when consulting Smith over who should enter the lingerie store. Kurusu took it from Sorano's grasp and placed it to his ear, answering it as he did so. "Smith?" There was an audible sigh of relief from the other end of the phone, even though it wasn't on speakerphone. Then a single, loudly declared sentence. "Thank God you're not Sorano."
Before he could even comment on that insult, Sorano was shushed. Miia and Papi had grouped up around the phone, and the lamia really felt that whatever Smith was saying was probably going to be more important than any verbal diarrhea Sorano might spew forth. She was so very right. Kurusu listened to what Smith said. The others, being unable to hear her, merely looked on in curiosity.
Finally Kurusu nodded, and he handed the phone to Papi. Papi immediately started chattering into the phone, but she too was hushed by Miia. She spent all of two seconds listening to Smith before she dropped the phone and started cheering in joy. She grabbed Kurusu by the elbow and led him to the bathroom. The next person to pick up the phone was Miia. Smith talked to her for less than ten seconds. All she did was utter one sentence and Miia had rushed at the harpy who had stolen her beloved.
Sorano bent down and gingerly touched the phone. By chance he managed to put it on speakerphone. "Miia? Where'd you go?" Sorano just scratched his head. He briefly considered ignoring Smith and following Miia to stop any child abuse from happening. The next two sentences from Smith stopped him cold in his tracks. "Did you hear me? I said Papi's the same age as you."
Sorano couldn't help but let his jaw drop. "She has a petite body, but that's for the sake of flying. She's a lot older than she looks." Sorano simply walked away from the phone as Smith continued to babble about useless things like harpy biology. "Legal lolis?" He then proceeded to fall to his knees. "Isn't that an oxymoron?" Sorano started pounding his head on the ground in frustration. "What kind of sick twisted fetish porn am I in?!" If Kurusu was in limbo, it could be said that Sorano was in hell. At least in his opinion he was. "I better at least get my bling bling!"
AN: Wow this story almost has as many follows as my older one. That's kind of amazing when you consider that this story isn't exactly that long and the updates are so infrequent. Thanks for all the support, guys, it means a lot. I have to once again thank all the reviewers for their kind words. Oh, and to answer Overtale's question, well Sorano's age is kind of up to speculation. Like I said in a previous chapter, if he were visible he'd look to be about fifty. In human years he's probably at least a hundred (hence his familiarity with gramophones and whatnot), though I've been humoring the idea of making him even older. I'll leave it up to you guys as to how old Sorano is.
His species is also highly debatable. He could be an alien, or a ghost, or even some weird chameleon man relative of Miia's. Heck, he could even be some weird variation of a Shapeshifter. He's an Invisible Man, that's it. (Or a 'Cloaker' in the records of the Cultural Exchange.) I was thinking about implying his species was responsible for the gremlin myth (hence his failure to use electronics) but lo and behold there are gremlin monster girls. Apparently Monster Musume has an online game that's entirely in Japanese. It's got everything from ghosts to freaking Easter bunnies. They even made a waifu Mothman. What the hell. Regardless, I rather like the idea of Sorano's species being this unknown imposter that's secretly been pretending to be other species throughout history. It fits Sorano being a slight kleptomaniac, he's even stolen the feats of other species. Let me know what you all think.
Oh, and one last thing before I end this atrociously long AN. I'm running out of old horror/slasher/monster movies to use as titles! Suggestions would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading!