It should go without saying but just in case, the words in italics are what's going on with Olivia. I felt that the line breaks made the chapter too choppy. Anyway, enjoy.
Cragen pushed the button on the tape recorder and Olivia's palms immediately began sweating. She opened her mouth but it ran dry.
"I don't even know where to start." Olivia clasped her hands together and placed them in her lap, looking down at them as she spoke. "I've done this so many times before and yet I have no idea what to say."
Cragen straightened in his chair and nodded his head once. "Just start with what you remember."
Elliot was pacing back and forth, unable to sit still with Haung in the room.
"I don't even know where to start." He shook his head at the floor; a nervous habit he always had. "I've done this so many times before and yet I have no idea what to say."
Haung nodded and placed his pen and pad down on the table before him in hopes it would make Elliot more comfortable if he knew this was off the record. "Just start with what you remember."
"After he shot Elliot, I tried to rush to his side but Bushido caught me and he threw me on the bed." She drew her bottom lip in-between her teeth and contemplated her next words. "He ripped my pants."
"I always wondered what I would do if my partner was raped. When Cragen first introduced Olivia as my new partner, the first thing I thought was: great, every perp we see is going to come after her."
Haung raised an eyebrow. "That was the first thing you thought of when you saw her?"
Elliot closed his eyes, a little embarrassed of what he was about to say. "No. No, the first thing I noticed about her was how beautiful she was, is." He shrugged. "I am only a man. It never occurred to me how capable she would be. Ya know, with all the shit we see everyday, it gets kinda hard to handle. But she always got through it; she always found a way to get me through it."
"And now?"
He sighed. "Now I don't even know how to handle this. I don't know how to help her. Nothing is how I imagined it to be."
"You've thought about this often." It was not a question.
Elliot nodded and continued his pacing. "Its hard not to. Every time I talk to a child, I wonder what I would do if it was my kid that had been hurt. Whenever I speak with a victim, I always think about what I would if it was somebody I love."
Huang held his stoic expression and wondered if Elliot had even registered his own silent confession.
He waited, and watched Elliot's eyes widen as his words hit home.
"You love her." The statement brought on a whole new light.
Elliot just nodded. "I think that's why this is so hard."
"Elliot", Huang began, "this isn't supposed to be easy. You of all people should know that its going to take time for her to heal. And in the mean time you just need to be there for her as a friend; not as a cop."
"Its not that simple." Elliot's demeanor had completely changed with his last words and his softened, more fragile, appearance did not go unnoticed.
"Explain it to me."
Elliot's throat constricted as he neared the painful memories that he wanted so desperately to forget. "I can't."
"Elliot." Huang's tone was firm but gentle. "Isn't that why you called me here; you wanted to get help? You're doing the right thing, Elliot. How can you help her if you are in no condition yourself."
Huang waited until Elliot had his bearings back under control before he continued.
"Tell me what happened."
Elliot drew in a shaky breath and he knew Huang had noticed.
Fuck.
He couldn't do this, could he?
Could he sit there and tell Huang what happened? Could he relay every sick detail?
Would it even help?
"Bushido." His name tasted vile as it left Elliot's lips. "He found out about Olivia; he had her gun."
It was all he could say and Huang knew Elliot would need more encouragement before he could continue.
"That must have been terrifying."
Elliot nodded and choked back a sob.
Huang examined the sight before him. He couldn't remember a time where Elliot was so broken. He couldn't even remember a time he thought it was possible.
That was it, the first clue that gave him insight as to how horribly wrong things had gone that night.
"Elliot", he chose his words carefully, "Whatever happened that night, you can't let it build up inside you. It will destroy you." He could see that Elliot was at his end. He knew that once the seal was ripped off, he wouldn't be able to hold back on whatever it was that he had been forced to suffer. "You need to talk about it in order to move past this."
Elliot's eyes held more anguish than he ever thought possible. He shouldn't have called Huang. This was a mistake.
He couldn't do this.
He couldn't breathe.
He spoke.
"I thought he was going to shoot us but then he moved towards Olivia." It was as if he never left that room as the memories poured forth. "He ripped her pants."
"He climbed on top of me. I just remember trying to push him off, not just to protect myself, but because Elliot was dying on the floor and he needed me. It was no use; Bushido was too strong. He had a gun to my head."
"He had a gun to her head. His hands were all over her and I couldn't move. I couldn't risk him getting angry and shooting her."
"But Olivia was shot."
Elliot nodded. "He touched between her legs and she started crying. I couldn't let it go any further; I had to stop it. The second I moved over to her he pulled the trigger and shot her shoulder." He closed his eyes as he remembered the heart pounding sound of the gun as it fired. "It wasn't bad but it scared me enough to know that he was serious, that I had to listen to him." Elliot swallowed hard and his eyes began to water. "He told me to get on top of her."
"He was so heavy. I couldn't breathe; he had his hand over my mouth." Her eyes started to water. "That's when I heard him take off his belt."
"He unzipped his pants. He said that if I didn't do it, he would." Elliot let out a heart wrenching sob, hating himself for what he was about to say and hating himself even more for not being able to stop it.
"I couldn't", he cried. "I couldn't let him hurt her like that. She just kept saying, 'please, Elliot, don't let him hurt me.' I didn't know what else to do." Elliot's voice was drawn and tired as the shame of his next words truly sunk in. "I couldn't do it." He paused. "I though of everything I could to arouse myself but my body just would respond."
"Elliot, that doesn't mean anything. You were being held at gunpoint and forced into a sex act. The fact that you couldn't achieve an erection says nothing about your masculinity. If anything, it attends to your outstanding moral qualities."
He nodded but not in agreement. "She kissed me and it was only when I felt the moisture on her cheeks that I was even aware that I was crying." Huang raised an eyebrow at his words. "My tears had fallen on her", he clarified, "and the realization that I was over her, on top of her, it was too much. It shouldn't have been that way."
His last words were barely a whisper and Haung had to strain to hear him.
"How should it have been?"
"In safety", he didn't miss a beat. "In comfort. It should have been an intimate moment where I could hold her and make love to her." Elliot sighed and looked down at his hands. His knuckled were white from the fists he had been holding. "I tried to think about that. But then I felt the gun on the back of my head."
"He pushed into me. I just screamed into his hand. I didn't care about anything anymore. It didn't even matter that he had a gun or that Elliot had been shot. He was inside me and it was all that I could think about."
"I didn't know if I should touch her or not. I knew that she wasn't ready, her body wasn't ready, but I didn't know if touching her would make the situation better or worse. I didn't want to hurt her. I was frozen and Olivia was crying and I heard the gun cock and she said it was okay so I just . . . I slipped into her."
"It seemed to go one forever. I begged him to stop. I fought him; I swear I did but there was nothing I could do. My fighting only excited him. The pain was unbearable and I couldn't stop crying; even though I knew if I didn't I would suffocate. I didn't care."
"She started crying. I swear I was gentle. I did everything I could to avoid hurting her. But she didn't want me. I didn't want it to be like that. I would have never done anything at all if she hadn't said it was okay. Even if it meant he would shoot me, I didn't care. I would never hurt her like that." Elliot put his hand over his mouth in an attempt to silence his cries." But I did. She didn't want me and I was inside her and there was a gun to my head and she was crying."
Huang was astonished, though he didn't show it, of the man before him.
Elliot Stabler was strong, he was confident, he was fearless.
He was broken.
"I lost my erection."
"I must have blacked out because I don't remember what happened after that. The last thing I remember was the rush of air into my lungs when he was finally pulled off of me."
"I got off her. I told Bushido that I couldn't do it; that I'd rather die than hurt her. He must have agreed because the next thing I knew, I was on the floor. He shot me and threw Olivia back on the bed."
Elliot sat in the cribs for a while after his talk with Huang. He had seen Olivia in one of the interview rooms with Cragen but he couldn't bring himself to listen in on her statement.
He didn't want to listen as she relayed to Cragen the same story he had given to Huang.
He felt relieved, despite everything. Therapy wasn't something he would ordinarily volunteer to but he couldn't deny the enormous weight that was lifted off his chest.
He hoped talking to Cragen would do the same for Olivia.
Elliot sighed as got off the cot he had been laying on and made his way down into the squad room. He saw Cragen in his office and Olivia heading out towards the elevators.
He followed her, though he wasn't sure what he would say when he caught up to her. His mind had been reeling with questions ever since Fin told him Cragen was taking her statement.
He wondered what it was that set her off, why she suddenly changed her mind.
The elevator doors opened and he watched her step in. It was then that he saw the moisture glistening on her cheeks and he knew she'd been crying.
The doors were closing. He could still catch them if he hurried. A quick few steps and an outstretched arm and he would be in that elevator.
She caught his eye from a few feet away and reached towards the control buttons.
He smiled, knowing she would hold the door for him.
He walked forward and the smile soon left his face.
The door closed.
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