The time I deliberately disobeyed Mistress occurred on a Saturday night in August the year Lilly and I were going to enter out senior year of high school. I decided not to take all those advance classes and graduate a year early. How could I? I wanted to graduate with Lilly! I wanted to share that special day with her!
I was getting ready for a "date" with Mistress and she told me to dress nice since we were going out for dinner to celebrate a promotion she got at her work. I chose a simple black cocktail dress (newly purchased for this occasion), black thigh highs, new sexy laced black panties, and black heels. As I admired how cute I was in the mirror I heard our door bell ring. I ignored it since the only person who would come visit me was Lilly and she had a date with the much hated Gabe. They were back on to dating hot and heavy the last month. As I lightly applied some new perfume, a gift from Mistress, I heard a knock on my door and then looked up and saw Lilly standing in the doorway. She looked as if she had been crying…no she was still crying. I dropped my perfume bottle and ran to her and took her in my arms.
"Lils, what is it? Did…did Gabe hurt you? Did he break up with you?" I said as she hugged me back tight.
Her crying scared me. She never cried…this was the first time since I had met her that I had ever seen her cry. Even when she broke her collar bone sophomore year playing soccer she did not cry…oh she cussed like a sailor but she did not cry. If Gabe broke her heart and broke up with her I would be happy….don't think I wouldn't. I was so selfish of her love but I would also have words with him. No one hurt my Lilly! She sobbed in my arms for a while as I stroked her lovely blonde hair.
Lilly pulled back, "No…I…sorry, Miley, I did not know you had a date with your mystery girl. I'll…I'll just leave." She knew I was dating of course but she did not understand the dynamics of my relationship and I knew I could never tell her. It made her mad at times that I hid my "girlfriend" from her but what choice did I have? I could never let her know. I could not live with the idea of her finding me disgusting.
I pulled her closer to a hug again, "Hush…you are more important than anything to me…you know that." And that was true. As much as I love Mistress and of all the things I willingly did for Mistress and no matter how important Mistress was in my life…Lilly came first. Lilly always came first with me.
She led me to the bed and sat down and gave me a weak smile, "I…I just needed someone to talk to and I knew I could count on you." I nodded and she started crying again and that mad me cry because I was scared now. She gripped my hand tight. "Miles, I…I think I'm pregnant." She said and started sobbing.
I hugged her again. "Ohhh, Lils, Ohhh God…shhh…its ok, baby, shhh…does…does Gabe now yet?" Lilly just shook her head as she hugged me tighter. I then got mad…mad at Gabe. "How could he? That stupid jerk! How could he do this to you?" She came to me first! She came to me over the detested Gabe! Oh she loves me so much! I thought and felt honored she would come to me before anyone else.
Lilly pulled back, "Miley, I know you hate him…why I don't know…but we were both there, baby. It is not solely his fault. The…well…the condom broke and…I…I told him to keep going." Oh how I hated to hear about them having sex. "I…I did not think…Oh God I was so stupid!" She started sobbing again.
"Shh…ok…we need to…" At that time my cell phone alerted me to a text message and of course I knew who it was. Lilly nodded for me to get it. I look at the phone and all it read was You are late! I quickly sent one back – please forgive me Mistress…I can't make it tonight. I hit send and actually cringed when I did. I knew she was going to be angry with me. I few seconds later I got her reply. Call me…NOW! I glance at Lilly crying on the bed and thought how could I abandon her? This girl I loved so much and who has been there for me and protected me…how could I abandon my goddess in her moment of need. I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door and called Mistress.
"This had better be fucking good, Miley!" She answered.
I explained what had happened as fear gripped me and I started crying. After I finally got it out she calmly told me to take care for my friend but to be at her house in the morning at ten and don't be late. She said I was to pay for my actions of the night. With a fearful yes, M'am, I hug up the phone but she did not hear me. She had already hung up. I walked back into my bedroom knowing I was going to be punished like I had never been before but seeing Lilly on the bed crying and her coming to me for comfort…I knew I would do it again and face what ever consequences over and over to give my Lilly the comfort she needed.
Lilly and I laid in my bed and she cried some more which made me cry…I hated seeing her hurt. After a long time of her crying and us discussing her options and me promising to help and support her in any choice she made we turned the conversation to more lighter things and soon we were giggling and laughing as we always did…trying to put the bad behind us. Our happy moment ended when Lilly asked me a question I dreaded.
"So…when do I get to meet this girlfriend of yours?" She asked me as I had my head on her chest and she was stroking my hair. God I loved when she did that. It was nothing sexual it just felt so nice and so right.
I move to my side of the bed. "I can't, Lilly. Hell nobody but you even knows I like girls that way. Dad would freak and Jackson…there would be no end to the torment from him." That was not really a lie…right? I mean no one but Lilly and of course Mistress new I was bi or gay or whatever label you want to put on it. I hated labels…still do. So I like both sexes…why do I have to be classified a certain way? Although I did prefer girls over guys and had not dated a guy since Johnny.
"I know, Miley, but I am not asking for her to meet the whole family…just me. I should met her." She said with finality.
I was getting defensive so it sounded like I was getting mad, "Why? Why do you have to meet her? Why can't you respect her privacy if not mine? Maybe she does not want to meet anyone! Maybe she wants to keep her liking girls a secret to!" I sat up on the bed and crossed my arms over my chest.
I hated getting upset with Lilly and worse I hated lying to her but I had not choice. She could never find out about the type of relationship I was in…and one that I loved to be in. One that gave me such satisfaction not just sexual but emotional as well. A relationship where I found my true self and was extremely happy to be in. I glanced over at Lilly as she stared at me…giving me her hard look that made me cringe.
"I know, Miley." She said soflty.
"You know what, Lillian?" I used her full name; something she hated.
"Don't play dumb, Miley. We both know you are not stupid. I've seen the bruises and the times we go to the beach and you don't even wear a swimsuit. I know she hurts you, Miles and I don't like it!" God I loved how she protected me but it was all wrong right now. I did not want her protection with this…I did not need her protection this time since I loved what Mistress did to me.
I got off the bed and walked over to my vanity and pulled two pair of pajamas out and tossed her one. "I…I have no idea what you are talking about." I say as I walk to the bathroom to change.
"Fine…then change in here. Let me see you, Miley." Lilly smirked as she got off the bed holding the pajamas I gave her.
I give her a seductive smile, "Why, Lilly, I did not think you liked girls like that?" I teased trying to avoid what she asked. Yes I had some marks on me that if I stripped she would see. That were not serious since Mistress had not played with me very hard lately or took me to that edge I so desperately wanted to go to, but I had some slight bruises and almost faded welts on my butt.
"Stop it, Miley, and show me!" Lilly said sternly.
"Just leave me alone, Lilly." I yell and run to the bathroom but don't make it before she grabs my wrist. "Let go, Lilly! You're hurting me!" And she was. She was gripping my wrist tight. She let go but moved so I could not get into the bathroom.
"I'm sorry, Miley…but…I…I don't want you to get involved with another Johnny. Remember how that ended? Four stitches in your lip. I…I can't stand to know someone abuses you, Miles. To know they hurt you." She is almost in tears again and my heart melts.
"Lils…I…it is not like that. I swear…I…I love her and she does not abuse me. I promise." Ok that was a half lie right? Yes Mistress did things to me that hurt me but I enjoyed it and it was not abuse.
"Promise me and let me meet her."
"I…I promise she does not abuse me, Lils. But…but I can't let you met her. She…well…she is older than me." I tell her as I step closer to her hoping for a hug.
"So that is the reason? She is older? How much older?" Lilly steps back continuing to question me.
I sigh, "She is twenty two and in college…ok…happy? That is why her and I hide it." I lie. Mistress is older than twenty two and already finished college.
Lilly nods, "And she does not hurt you?"
"No." I lie again…God I hated lying to her! "You know how clumsy I am and…well…sometimes I don't like wearing a bikini because I am not as pretty as you and I get self conscious." That part was so true. Lilly was so beautiful and I am just me.
"Oh, come on, Miles, you are very pretty and so adorable."
I smile at her, "Yeah, right…now can I go pee." I really did not have to but it was an excuse for me to change without her seeing me.
She laughed and stepped aside. When I came out of the bathroom, now in my pajamas, she was already in bed with her back turned. I slid under the covers and wanted to hold her but I couldn't. How could I snuggle with her now with all the lies I told her. I felt so ashamed. I rolled onto my side in the other direction and I heard Lilly sniffle.
"Lils, you ok, baby?" I ask as I turn around.
"Miley, hold me…please. Like you always do. I…I need you to hold me, Miley." She whimpered out and it scared me so I started crying as I wrap my arm around her and snuggle close. I hated seeing her like this…so broken and weak. This scared me and broke my heart.
"Shh…it's going to be ok, Lilly. We'll get through this…you and me. I promise."
I felt her bring my hand up to her lips and kiss it. "I…you are the only one I can trust, Miley. You now that? I could never tell anyone but you."
Wow…I felt wonderful at that. She trusted me above everyone even that terrible Gabe. I then felt so much guilt in lying to her. Worse than when I refused to tell her I was Hannah. "Miley, I…I love you. I know I don't tell you like you tell me…but you are the best friend I have and I couldn't ask for anyone better."
I start crying now at her confession and held her tight. "I love you to, Lilly. We'll be ok…we'll do what has to be done and whatever you decide I will be right there for you."
"I know you will." She said and kissed my hand again and we went to sleep.
She got up early the next morning and woke me up and told me she had to leave. She kissed my lips gently and chastely, made a comment about morning breath, and left telling me I should go back to bed. I just grinned at her and after she left I looked at the clock and saw it was a little after seven. I decided to get up and get ready. I had an appointment with pain and punishment this morning and I was going to look my damn cutest for Mistress hoping my adorability her and Lilly seemed to think I have would help ease what I knew was to come.
Lilly's pregnancy? I will not mention it anymore in my journal. That was her secret to me and I promised I would never tell. She never even told Gabe. Her and I never mentioned it again after that night except one other time. It was gone…she was never pregnant let's say and leave it at that. It was all bad dream.
I drove to Mistress's house and I had to admit I looked darn cute. I was dressed in the red sundress she liked to see me in, a pair of vintage Lucky Brand burgundy ankle high cowboy boots, and my hair and makeup was fixed to perfection. I knew she was going to be pleased with my looks but I was still scared. Looking cute or not…she was going to punish me. I was just hoping it was not the rice…I hated the rice…or the palms being hit…I hated that…or…oh hell I hated everyway she punished me but I knew I deserved it and regardless of how bad it was going to be I would have done it again. Even after I looked back at the punishment I got I would have done it again for Lilly. I walk to Mistress back door, kneel, and knock. She added a new rule that when I came over I had to be kneeling at her doorstep before I knocked.
I must have waited thirty minutes before she answered the door as I knelt there knowing she was home and not daring to leave. My knees started to get sore from the concrete of her small back entrance porch. Funny how at first I did not notice that she removed her doormat until the pain started to settle in. I sighed and knew I was not in for a good day. Mistress finally opened the door.
"Oh, Miley, I am so sorry, dear. You should have knocked harder." She said in a light humorous tone. So it begins…her mind games start the punishment.
"Yes, M'am." I say and get up and start to walk into her house after she motioned me in.
"NO! You crawl in my house, Miley! You do not deserve to walk into my house today!" Mistress shouted. I drop to my knees and crawl into her kitchen. Yeah maybe me being cute was not going to work today. I should have slept another hour.
Once I was in the center of the kitchen I knelt with my head down not daring to look at her. I did hear her sit down in one of the chairs and then heard paper rustling and thought she must be reading the newspaper. "Well, what the hell are you waiting for, Miley! I am hungry and you need to cook us breakfast!" She yelled and I flinched.
"Yes, M'am…M'am about last night…Miley is very sorry…" I started to apologize.
"Shut up, Miley! Not another word from you all day unless I give you permission to speak! I allowed you to spend time with Lilly because she needed you as a friend but you knew the consequences of breaking our date and for that you will be punished. No apologies for something I allowed you to do! Now shut the fuck up and fix our breakfast!"
I did not even reply with a yes m'am. I knew better…she said not another word and I would obey to the letter. I knew what she liked for breakfast so I did not have to ask her. Hell I did ninety percent of her grocery shopping anyway so I knew what to fix. Bacon slightly crispy, eggs with American cheese softly scrambled, lightly toasted bread with apple butter, and coffee black. I cooked this breakfast hundreds of times and the only time she ever deviated was when she would occasionally tell me to cook her French Toast. I cooked awesome French Toast. My breakfast…the same as hers of course…except I liked cream and sugar in my coffee. I was kind of hungry even if I was scared. I did not eat dinner last night.
As the bacon was frying I set the table for Mistress, who ignored me, and gave her a cup of coffee. I then went and pulled the little red kiddies table from the corner and set my table. "No, Miley. You eat off the floor the floor this morning." I heard Mistress say and I glanced at her and she was still reading the paper not looking at me. I move the table back to the corner and place my fork and spoon and knife on top of a napkin on the floor. The tension was driving me crazy but I was going to behave and not make matters worse.
"When I say something to you, Miley, you are to answer me yes or no…you know better than to ignore me!" Mistress yelled still not looking at me.
"Yes, m'am." I muttered and went back to cooking the bacon
With breakfast done I serve Mistress her plate and then fix mine and place it on the floor and kneel down to eat. Just as I was about to take a bite Mistress's harsh voice interrupted me.
"What the fuck do you think you are doing, you stupid cunt?" She yelled and I cringe at that word. She knew I hated it and only called me that name during severe punishment. "I said you eat off the floor not on the floor. Empty your plate on the floor, Miley!"
"Y…yes, Mistress." I whimpered out and emptied the eggs, bacon, and toast on the floor. I start picking through the top layer of the eggs…the part not touching the floor. It was clean…the floor…I knew that, heck I kept it clean and mopped but still I did not like the idea of eating off the floor.
"And you will eat every bite, Miley!" Mistress yelled.
"Yes, M'am." I responded and started eating. I put my fork down and start to take a sip of my coffee.
"Are you that fucking stupid, Miley?" Mistress asked harshly.
I look up at her, "M'am…Miley…Miley does not understand?" I was doing what she told me…I was eating off the floor. What did I do wrong this time?
"The coffee, you stupid girl! Poor it on the floor and lap it up like the disobedient bitch you are!" She yelled.
"Y…yes, Mistress." I pour my coffee on the floor and start to lap it up like a cat. My eyes were watery and I knew any moment I was going to start crying. I was no longer hungry but I dare not disobey her. She said I was to eat so I was going to eat.
I ate my breakfast…all of it…and lapped up my coffee and kneeled as I waited for Mistress to tell me she was done and I would clean the table and then do the dishes. She was finished I saw but I knew better than to move without her telling me to. She got up and carried her own plate to the sink, which surprised me, and as she was about to place it in the sink it feel from her hand and shattered on the tile floor. I flinched at the sound.
"Oh…how clumsy of me. I am sorry, Miley, that just gives you something else to clean up." She then picked up the frying pan full of bacon grease and dropped it on the floor splattering the grease everywhere. "Oh dear, I am such a klutz this morning. I am sure if I would have gone to a nice dinner last night with my pet and celebrated my promotion at work I would not be so clumsy." She said with mocking humor. She then turned to me. "But that did not fucking happen did it, Miley!" She yelled. "I sat here all fucking alone last night after I made reservations at a very nice expensive restaurant and the person I was going to have fun with and play with had the audacity to cancel on me!" She screamed louder.
I was crying now at her words and felt terrible. "But….but Mistress told Miley she…she could be with her friend…she….she…" Mistress walked to me and slapped my face hard.
"Shut the fuck up! I told you no talking but yes or no! I fucking know what I told you! Now clean my fucking kitchen and come to my room when you are done!" She yelled and walked from the kitchen.
I cleaned the kitchen and mopped up the grease on the floor and took a deep breath and walked to Mistress's room. I knew this was where the real punishment was going to take place. The ordeal in the kitchen was just a small preview of what was to come. Once I walked through her bedroom door I was at her mercy and this morning she had no mercy. Safewords would not protect me now. This was punishment and not pleasure. I noticed I was unconsciously rubbing my palms together as if they had already been beaten and in pain. I knew that was coming as well as other painful things but I would obey her. I would not run…I did not want to run. I did not want to be punished that was for sure but I knew I deserved it. She was gracious enough to allow my time with Lilly last night and I knew I would have to pay the consequences of my actions. I knelt at her bedroom door and knocked.